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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How do you deal with people who 'power trip' you?

38 replies

wrongsideoftheroad · 11/03/2013 18:04

My sister in law is a bit of a tricky customer. She comes across as very friendly and nice, and we generally get on well and do things as friends. I would call her a friend as well as a SIL.

However, I've come to realise over time that she tends to sometimes have expectations of me that, on their own, amount to nothing. As part of a bigger picture though I wonder if she is trying to assert herself over me.

Some little examples....when I leaver her house she will often ask me to post a letter for her, even though the post box isn't actually on my way home from her house. This sounds like a really insignificant thing - but she often does things like this, asks me to go out of my way for her, even though she could just complete the task herself.

Other things - because I live near the shops she will always ask me to pop in and get something for me on my way over to her. Again - she knows that she shops are not actually on my way. But it's almost like she has to test whether I'll put myself out for her?

I've started to say no to the post box/shop things or just say I forgot or am walking another way home.

The other things that she is difficult over is that she won't ever commit to making firm plans about anything. If I ask her if she's coming to something the answer is always "maybe" or "probably". She answers like this to everything from me asking if she wants to walk up to school in the morning, or if she is coming to my DC birthday party. She will not commit. But she does expect me to hang around just waiting for her to make up my mind.

Yesterday I asked her if she wanted to walk up to school together today and she said "hopefully" and as it was absolutely freezing today I didn't hang around on the corner waiting for her as I usually would and she was really stroppy about it!

Long, sorry, I'll stop now.

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BalloonSlayer · 11/03/2013 18:09

I remember my old Psychology teacher saying that the way to get people to like you is not to run around after them but to get them to do things for you.

That way they end up subconsciously wondering why the heck they are doing whatever it is for you, and they subconsciously come to the conclusion that they must be doing it because they like you.

I wonder if your SIL is trying this but it ain't working. Grin

wrongsideoftheroad · 11/03/2013 18:13

BalloonSlayer..that's actually really interesting. She is really quite an insecure person - I'm not bitching when I say that, I know that because she often complains about being left out by people and worrying all the time what others think of her and I know my brother gets exasperated with her obsession about whether people like her..

Sometimes I feel like it's a test, like setting me tasks to test whether I really like her or not. I like her just fine apart from this stuff! That's the ironic thing!

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kerstina · 11/03/2013 18:20

Think thats a load of rubbish! I certainly would not like anyone who kept asking me to do stuff. It is cheeky and I would start feeling resentful.

Crinkle77 · 11/03/2013 18:24

I would not wait until she gets back to you to make your plans. You just make them and if she wants to join you after then she will have to fit in to them. If she will not give give you a deinate answer to a b'day invitation give her a date tha you need your RSVP by then if she has not let you know by then just assume she is not coming

StephaniePowers · 11/03/2013 18:30

BalloonSlayer I've heard that too: cognitive dissonance.
You do someone a favour. She screws you over.
You continue to believe she's a good person, because to realise she's a bad person means that you have to admit that you were weak in doing a favour for a bad person. In order to preserve your own self image, you gloss over the bad behaviour and allow it to continue.

wrongsideoftheroad · 11/03/2013 18:42

Thanks..some interesting points.

The school thing really annoyed me today, as she knows my DC and I both have bad chests at the moment and I had said I wouldn't be waiting around this morning. BUt instead of saying "you go ahead then without me" or "I'll definitely be there on time she just said she "should be" there on time to meet me.

I sort of don't care whether we go together or not - I mind her leaving me hanging without any thought to my convenience. And then she walked off home from school today without waiting for me or saying a word presumably to teach me a lesson! At least i had warned her up front that I wouldn't be hanging around. She just walked off!

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sarahseashell · 11/03/2013 19:10

get more assertive and just do things on your own terms - for example if she asks to pick things up on the way and you can't just say 'I won't be passing a shop' or 'I'm not passing the postbox' then Smile and carry on as normal

wrongsideoftheroad · 11/03/2013 19:15

THankyou sarahseashell, that's good advice and I intend to follow it.

It's just strange the way she seems so affronted when I treat her with the same level of consideration she shows me. Interesting..

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mistressploppy · 11/03/2013 19:23

I think this is really interesting and I want to know what happens please Grin

Walkacrossthesand · 11/03/2013 19:26

I wonder how she would react if you became more assertive in your invitations as a result of her inconsiderate behaviour eg 'we're walking to school tomorrow, do you want to join us? 'Maybe'? Well, we'll be @ the corner @ 0815, we'll walk on if you're not there, hope to see you then Smile. Plus the shop/post office responses as above. All very polite & quite appropriate.

wrongsideoftheroad · 11/03/2013 19:48

Walkacross...thanks, I think it will be met with frostiness..I've always been surprised at how quickly she will express displeasure at behaviour she demonstrates herself Confused

Think I need to start giving her a wider berth tbh.

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wrongsideoftheroad · 11/03/2013 19:49

mistressploppy I will try to remember to PM you if there are any developments!

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BalloonSlayer · 11/03/2013 20:01

Think thats a load of rubbish! I certainly would not like anyone who kept asking me to do stuff. It is cheeky and I would start feeling resentful.

That's because you are a confident, well-rounded person kerstina, like the OP. It doesn't work on you.

Thing is, a lot of people are not confident, and are very anxious to please and have people like them.

It works in reverse too.

The SIL may have low confidence and feel very good when she sees someone doing something for her that she KNOWS inconveniences them. Hence her discomfort when they do not. "Oh no, they don't like me after all!" panic panic.

The SIL might not be doing this consciously of course. She may well be just copying behaviour she has seen in the past, in school for example she may have witnessed a Queen Bee type lording it over others and generally taking the piss yet inexplicably remaining popular. She has then later in life gone on to mirror that behaviour subconsciously as she thinks it will get her the same effect.

Bonsoir · 11/03/2013 20:04

It sounds as if the OP's SIL is the kind of person who thinks/assumes the world revolves around her.

G1nebra · 11/03/2013 20:10

I think you need to work on your no. I can find it really hard to say no too. A blunt NO is really hard, so think of ways to stretch it out

eg

"ordinarily I would manage to fit that in but today I can't"

"em, let me think about that. . . . Do you mind awfully if I say NO!?"

"I know you will completely understand if on this occasion I have to say no! :-/ "

ThreeBeeOneGee · 11/03/2013 20:12

People like this need firm boundaries until they learn to grow up a bit.

When you are making plans with her, phrase it in the following way: "If you want to do [activity/event] then let me know by [date/time]. If she doesn't definitively commit before the deadline then you're off the hook as she has effectively RSVPed 'no' by default.

When she asks you to pop to the shop or postbox, the mature reaction would be to say "I'm afraid it isn't convenient". However, part of me would be tempted to say I might be able to do the errand without actually committing either way e.g. "I'll do it if I have time". Then don't actually get around to doing it. Thereby giving her a taste of how annoying this is. Also ensures she'll stop asking you.

Don't let her make you feel guilty. She is responsible for her feelings and you are responsible for yours. If she acts all peed off with you, that's her problem, not yours.

PoppyWearer · 11/03/2013 20:16

Wow, this is very interesting. I have a "friend" who does this to me but also to other friends.

Hmmm...

kerstina · 11/03/2013 20:17

Yes that is what I was thinking slightly narsistic in that it is all about her
Actually I am a bit of a people pleaser but I like my friends to treat me how I treat them . I tend to distance myself if I suspect I am being asked too much of rather than being assertive about it but it would make me like the person less iyswm.anyway sorry don't want to high jack and was very pleased to be described as well roundedGrin

sassyandsixty · 11/03/2013 20:22

She can dish it out but she can't take it. This reminds me of a cousin I was once close to. She had me running around for her all the time - on one occasion I found myself doing loads of errands for her, even though I didn't have the time and she could have easily done the jobs herself. I never found out what it was all about. She eventually pushed me too far one day and I just said 'no'. I never saw her again. Mysterious. I think it may have been about her having power and control over me. I was a willing victim, I'm a people-pleaser and I also valued her friendship a lot, but ended up being hurt and feeling used. Plus I'm very self-sufficient and always do everything for myself - so I sort of assumed she couldn't cope and needed my help... My advice? Stand up to her and say no to the annoying little errands - if necessary make an excuse. Stop running around after her - it's insulting. Risk her wrath and see what happens.

wrongsideoftheroad · 11/03/2013 20:59

Thank you, you're alright.

It's ok for me not to dance to her tune and if she doesn't like it then that's really her problem.

Kerstina - me too Grin

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wrongsideoftheroad · 11/03/2013 21:00

Sorry, I meant, you're all right!

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wrongsideoftheroad · 11/03/2013 21:02

Ooooh, balloonslayer...just re-read the queen bee bit. I know she went to boarding school, you could be onto something..

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Bonsoir · 11/03/2013 21:06

It's normally a trait passed from mother to daughter - either the mother did it and the daughter copied, or else the mother waited on the daughter hand and foot and stepped in to do everything the daughter needed doing but didn't feel like doing for herself...

PoppyWearer · 11/03/2013 21:06

My one was also a boarding schoolgirl .

Disclaimer: I also know plenty of boarders who don't behave like this!

wrongsideoftheroad · 11/03/2013 21:09

Oooh, poppywearer, that is interesting. I have to say, I don't know anyone else who went to boarding school so could be totally random. Was just thinking that exposure to queen bee types is likely to be higher when you have to live with them too, though?

What kind of thing does your friend do, poppywearer, just out of interest comparing notes

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