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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How do you deal with people who 'power trip' you?

38 replies

wrongsideoftheroad · 11/03/2013 18:04

My sister in law is a bit of a tricky customer. She comes across as very friendly and nice, and we generally get on well and do things as friends. I would call her a friend as well as a SIL.

However, I've come to realise over time that she tends to sometimes have expectations of me that, on their own, amount to nothing. As part of a bigger picture though I wonder if she is trying to assert herself over me.

Some little examples....when I leaver her house she will often ask me to post a letter for her, even though the post box isn't actually on my way home from her house. This sounds like a really insignificant thing - but she often does things like this, asks me to go out of my way for her, even though she could just complete the task herself.

Other things - because I live near the shops she will always ask me to pop in and get something for me on my way over to her. Again - she knows that she shops are not actually on my way. But it's almost like she has to test whether I'll put myself out for her?

I've started to say no to the post box/shop things or just say I forgot or am walking another way home.

The other things that she is difficult over is that she won't ever commit to making firm plans about anything. If I ask her if she's coming to something the answer is always "maybe" or "probably". She answers like this to everything from me asking if she wants to walk up to school in the morning, or if she is coming to my DC birthday party. She will not commit. But she does expect me to hang around just waiting for her to make up my mind.

Yesterday I asked her if she wanted to walk up to school together today and she said "hopefully" and as it was absolutely freezing today I didn't hang around on the corner waiting for her as I usually would and she was really stroppy about it!

Long, sorry, I'll stop now.

OP posts:
PoppyWearer · 11/03/2013 21:43

Stuff like asking me to pick up milk or something she's run out of (she lives nearby) and then getting me to take it over to her. The school run when in fact our DCs are the same age and we both have two of them, so it is no easier for me to do it.

Socially, saying "we should do this" and then mentioning it ad infinitum and making it clear that I need to be the one organising it. I did the organising once and was given very clear direction on how she wanted it all done. I didn't do it her way and was made to feel bad.

No more. The worm has turned!

PoppyWearer · 11/03/2013 21:44

Oh, and during bad weather a couple of months back, I witnessed her making phone calls to other people and convincing them to run around collecting her DCs for her so that she did not have to set foot outside nor care for her DCs that day. I was Shock

sassyandsixty · 11/03/2013 21:50

Err - I went to boarding school too - it's not all bad either! Another story...

wrongsideoftheroad · 11/03/2013 21:53

Sassy - apologies, I really wasn't trying to say that boarding school produces socially strange people!

It was more the reference to seeing Queen Bees behave in a certain way, and I just thought that if you were living with a Queen Bee there would be even more exposure to that kind of thing. Could equally be true if you lived with an entitled parent or sibling though :)

OP posts:
wrongsideoftheroad · 11/03/2013 21:54

Poppy...that's interesting.

To be fair to her, SIL does do favours for me sometimes too, though I tend not to ask unless really necessary (rare)

OP posts:
PoppyWearer · 11/03/2013 22:03

I am also not the kind of person to ask someone for favours unless I am completely stuck and need help. I was brought up to be independent! So if I run out of milk....as I did today...I go to the shop and buy some. I don't think "oh, Poppy might be going out today, I'll ask her to bring me some."

My SIL is also a bit entitled and can be like this.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/03/2013 07:14

The most manipulative person I ever met (female) was an old uni housemate that had everyone dancing attendance on her like some kind of mediaeval princess. Youngest in her family so I think she was used to being spoiled. She would bat her eyes or shed a tear and others (male and female alike) would run around cooking her suppers, fetching things, lending her money... it was quite an art. Refused to kow-tow so she didn't like me much... ganged up on me with her cronies, in fact. Very childish.

Just remember that 'no' is a complete sentence... and then watch out for any backlash.

Bonsoir · 12/03/2013 07:47

LOL. There was a girl I studied with whose "nickname" was "Why do it yourself when you can get some boy to do it for you." She used to trail young naïve boys behind her (she was very pretty) but was in fact engaged all the while to an older banker...

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/03/2013 07:59

The uni housemate in my story (and her name was Hazel... brr... it's all coming back to me) got women running around for her as well as boys. One girl was so subservient that she actually nicknamed her 'Nanny'... Confused

wrongsideoftheroad · 12/03/2013 09:23

Cogito, that's interesting, thank you.

Bonsoir - I have definitely met that type before!

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UseHerName · 12/03/2013 09:32

my mum does this

'but it's easier for you to do X, Y or Z for me because you drive' or 'but it'll only take you 5 mins' when actually, it will take 30-45 minutes and £2 or £3 of petrol

when actually, they're giving you extra work, travel to do, whilst wasting your time and petrol. Yes it means the person asking doesn't have to do it and so it's easier for them, but if you (me) didn't do it I wouldn't have anything to do - if you see what I mean Confused

UseHerName · 12/03/2013 09:32

i.e. it would be easier for me not to have to do X, Y and Z at all!

BalloonSlayer · 12/03/2013 12:46

you could always say, when she gives you a letter to post "Oh OK but I won't be passing a post box for a couple of days," or just not post the letter and let her see it in your bag/on dashboard of your car - "oh well you know the post box isn't on my way home, so I assumed it'd be ok to wait till I was actually passing one."

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