Hello everyone, this is not a forum I normally end up on but I?ve seen some good, honest advice here before and I?m hoping for more of the same.
I have been married for 7 years and we have two boys aged 7 and 2. It?s fair to say we?ve had a bumpy time and sometimes I?m not sure whether I?m coming or going.
I?ve supported my husband for the whole of our marriage. In the time we?ve been together he has never worked and his only form of employment has been things I have arranged on a ?casual? basis for him ? a day here or there. The discussion has always been on the delaying tactic kind and he?s told me ?he?s looking? or ?there?s not jobs? or basically anything that will get me to change the subject. He swings between proper victim behaviour ?it?s not my fault that?? and complete rage. I suspect somewhere that he might be bipolar as his anger is so quick to flair with me and the children that even our 7 year old asks why Daddy isn?t every very happy with other people.
I?ve worked full time since we were married and started work again when my oldest was only about 4 months. I?ve just changed jobs and have a demanding job that pays okay but still doesn?t get us out of the woods each month. For a long time my husband appointed himself as stay at home carer for the boys and I?m not denying that this saved us money but as I used to go out the house 12 hours a day 5 days a week I did get upset as I felt I had no balance in my lfie and my children needed me more.
My husband has a wealthy widowed mother and she?s very happy to hand him over money (quite large sums) for whatever it is that he?s needed to have or wanted. This in the past has included £10k for a flying course, £3000 for a ski race course for 6 weeks (I let him go for 6 weeks as he was ?desperate? to be allowed to do this as this was his whole life that he says I took him away from) and now he?s doing a photography course which isn?t cheap but MIL has again paid for. He does have a lot of creative talent for this but when I have broached him working part-time and doing his course (really doe-able I think and would so help us) he flies off into a massive blame rage and says that how can I expect him to succeed when I don?t support him. He?s such a tricky character and often it?s never his fault when he hasn?t managed to do something. Basically between his Mum and I we fully fund him. The flat we live in is technically his Mum?s and we don?t pay rent so she kind of has a hold over him too and not in a good way. I?ve had a 2 really horrible arguments with her over this. I?m not into arguguements but they come from a very highly charged background and it was very upsetting. Now my relationship is better but I still feel wary around her. They can be a joint force but often they seem to argue amongst each other badly as well so it?s highly confusing. They can also be killing each other (or me) one minute and fine the next. He?s never off the phone to her and he wants her to sell some property to he can use this to fund other property purchases and renovations so that?s another big sticking point in our relationship. I think he needs to leave her and her money alone and start to stand on his own two feet.
He also flies at the children as well for very minor things so family time is never something we all look forward to.
About 18 months ago I decided enough was enough and told him I wanted to end this. He kept saying he didn?t want to and we attended counselling. I don?t feel it got to the root problems as and it was more about how to treat each other in a relationship. Without being big headed I do feel I can approach a relationship with a lot of love and compassion but I do feel that I can?t keep standing by why he keeps saying he?ll work and every month we are left struggling. Will his attitude to work ever change or from an outsiders perspective am I just a deluded wife? I want to hope that he will succeed at this but while he has him Mum and Me paying for his life ? why would he change?