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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband who won't work!

65 replies

BoundlessEnergy · 11/03/2013 17:28

Hello everyone, this is not a forum I normally end up on but I?ve seen some good, honest advice here before and I?m hoping for more of the same.

I have been married for 7 years and we have two boys aged 7 and 2. It?s fair to say we?ve had a bumpy time and sometimes I?m not sure whether I?m coming or going.
I?ve supported my husband for the whole of our marriage. In the time we?ve been together he has never worked and his only form of employment has been things I have arranged on a ?casual? basis for him ? a day here or there. The discussion has always been on the delaying tactic kind and he?s told me ?he?s looking? or ?there?s not jobs? or basically anything that will get me to change the subject. He swings between proper victim behaviour ?it?s not my fault that?? and complete rage. I suspect somewhere that he might be bipolar as his anger is so quick to flair with me and the children that even our 7 year old asks why Daddy isn?t every very happy with other people.

I?ve worked full time since we were married and started work again when my oldest was only about 4 months. I?ve just changed jobs and have a demanding job that pays okay but still doesn?t get us out of the woods each month. For a long time my husband appointed himself as stay at home carer for the boys and I?m not denying that this saved us money but as I used to go out the house 12 hours a day 5 days a week I did get upset as I felt I had no balance in my lfie and my children needed me more.

My husband has a wealthy widowed mother and she?s very happy to hand him over money (quite large sums) for whatever it is that he?s needed to have or wanted. This in the past has included £10k for a flying course, £3000 for a ski race course for 6 weeks (I let him go for 6 weeks as he was ?desperate? to be allowed to do this as this was his whole life that he says I took him away from) and now he?s doing a photography course which isn?t cheap but MIL has again paid for. He does have a lot of creative talent for this but when I have broached him working part-time and doing his course (really doe-able I think and would so help us) he flies off into a massive blame rage and says that how can I expect him to succeed when I don?t support him. He?s such a tricky character and often it?s never his fault when he hasn?t managed to do something. Basically between his Mum and I we fully fund him. The flat we live in is technically his Mum?s and we don?t pay rent so she kind of has a hold over him too and not in a good way. I?ve had a 2 really horrible arguments with her over this. I?m not into arguguements but they come from a very highly charged background and it was very upsetting. Now my relationship is better but I still feel wary around her. They can be a joint force but often they seem to argue amongst each other badly as well so it?s highly confusing. They can also be killing each other (or me) one minute and fine the next. He?s never off the phone to her and he wants her to sell some property to he can use this to fund other property purchases and renovations so that?s another big sticking point in our relationship. I think he needs to leave her and her money alone and start to stand on his own two feet.

He also flies at the children as well for very minor things so family time is never something we all look forward to.

About 18 months ago I decided enough was enough and told him I wanted to end this. He kept saying he didn?t want to and we attended counselling. I don?t feel it got to the root problems as and it was more about how to treat each other in a relationship. Without being big headed I do feel I can approach a relationship with a lot of love and compassion but I do feel that I can?t keep standing by why he keeps saying he?ll work and every month we are left struggling. Will his attitude to work ever change or from an outsiders perspective am I just a deluded wife? I want to hope that he will succeed at this but while he has him Mum and Me paying for his life ? why would he change?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 12/03/2013 20:51

He's not bipolar

He is simply a nasty twat, who is a terrible role model for your children

I don't blame his mother...I blame him

LadyLapsang · 12/03/2013 23:41

Well, lots of mothers with two children don't work outside the home. Personally, I would not like your set up but if you are to give him his marching orders I suggest checking out the situation re: childcare / maintenance first. If he is good at being a stay at home parent and you are in agreement with the set up fine. Remember if you go you will have to fund somewhere to live & childcare - not easy.

SolidGoldBrass · 13/03/2013 00:35

Another one saying, get legal advice first, because if he is the SAHD then it might be tricky. However, does he look after the DC, or does he dump them on his mum? It isn't necessarily wrong for a man to be the SAHP rather than taking paid work, but it doesn't sound like your H is doing this if he's fucking off on self-indulgent vanity courses all the time, and if he's nasty and short-tempered with the DC then you undoubtedly won't want to leave them with him.

Original poster
BoundlessEnergy · 13/03/2013 17:32

Thank you ladies for all your honest opinions. Mine has been clouded for so long that i have really believed that I am the one that has needed to try harder. I've not been sure whether to believe that I am behaving like an indulged princess or if I was going a bit mad.

For informations DH isn't stay at home dad - we actually have an au-pair that I have employed so he could 'focus' on his course. I've also been thinking that if I do leave at some point then he's not the main care giver - athought he is defo the one that kicks around the house the most....

Funny enough when I complained about finances the other day he said we maybe needed to move house so it would be cheaper. Strangely the solution didn't come up that he should find a job. That would have been my first plan if the situation was reversed but I think that DH has been bailed out by MIL for a long time and has no incentive. A third child for sure.........

My family and friends are amazing but they have long been too involved so to hear from 29 of you who have all told me the same thing has been a total eye opener but really invaludable.

Thanks ladies for the advice - I totally appreciate your opinions x

OP posts:
purplewithred · 13/03/2013 17:37

Good grief. LTB. And I've never said that before.

onefewernow · 13/03/2013 17:46

Please count me in the chuck him out brigade.

I dont think I could even look at him, if I were you.

He is just a big baby.

GoSuckEggs · 13/03/2013 18:27

sod BoundlessEnergy, i think BoundlessPatience would be more appropirate!

expatinscotland · 13/03/2013 18:35

Good grief! Get rid of him. He's a lazy bastard.

NicknameTaken · 14/03/2013 09:35

Great news that you have an au pair - that should help to counteract any claims that he's a SAHD. I don't think you're behaving like an indulged princess at all. Good luck!

TheSilveryPussycat · 15/03/2013 13:28

Mine was like this. I kept thinking he was going to "fulfil his potential". In our divorce settlement papers, he claimed I was too mentally ill for him to work - hah! not true, and he did no houswork, mostly played on computer. I had 2 kids, tried my hardest to work, and we lived on capital (a little from his DM but mostly from MY DF) which I eked out frugally as thought he was going to earn eventually.

It's true I was depressed - but he was the main reason. As soon as I filed for divorce (after decades Blush ) my depression lifted. Thanks be to MN and for the Emotional Abuse thread for my awakening and for empowering me to finally take action.

Earlybird · 18/03/2013 15:46

OP - any news?

I keep thinking about this issue, as i have a friend who is in a similar situation with a dh she married 10 years ago. About 4 years ago, he was made redundant and hasn't worked since - hasn't even looked for a job as he wanted some time off, and since then has been 'thinking about what he'd like to do next'. She owns their house (free and clear), and they are living off her savings.

As her friend, it is very difficult to watch the strain she is under - especially as she insists she is happy in the relationship. In the meantime, she is shopping at charity stores, cutting back/going without, and buying value priced groceries (nothing wrong with any of that, but very different from the life she led previously).

Her friends who have income for essentials (and some extras) receive regular pointed comments about our 'extravagance' and how 'lucky' we are. I think she is deeply unhappy, but doesn't know how to deal with the situation. Any suggestion that her dh should get out and work/earn to ease their predicament is met with 'I couldn't be responsible for forcing him to do anything that would make him miserable. He'd resent me'. Like the OP's dh, he takes courses that, in theory, should help him move in a new professional direction - though neither my friend or her dh know how this will translate practically.

It is almost as if she has been brainwashed. And in the meantime, the strategy seems to be stretching savings until they are old enough to claim her generous pension (which is many years away).

Lueji · 18/03/2013 16:20

My ex stopped working because of MH issues, but at some point, and as he was getting better, any suggestions of getting back to work were just met with negativity and no action at all. Even suggestions of setting up his own business.

Eventually, it completely felt as lack of want to work, although he claimed he'd rather be at work than at home taking care of DS, who was at school by then.

His efforts were more on how to get benefits and at some point he insisted that we should declare ourselves homeless and get a council home, when I had a good salary, we had savings, and could afford to buy.

Thankfully, my salary meant we didn't struggle financially.

MN has a good term for these men. Cocklodgers.

Mumsyblouse · 18/03/2013 16:31

So, you have an au pair to do the childcare (should she really be doing it all day anyway?) and this guy gets to swan around on courses and gets very angry if you ask him to get a job.

You have been had big time here, going back to work at 4 months. Honestly, this is terrible and I bet all your friends and family think so too.

The good thing is that once you break free, you won't notice any difference because you work hard, and have an au pair anyway and so your finances (bar rent) will be pretty much the same.

lunamoon01 · 05/07/2016 13:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

FastWindow · 05/07/2016 13:14

ZOOOOMBIEEEEEEE

PerpendicularVincent · 05/07/2016 13:55

I know it's a zombie, but what on earth is a shadow form?

Formeonly · 22/07/2021 22:58

Thank you so much for having the courage to post your story. Reading it and all of the comments has made me realise that I have been struggling for 9 years while I waited for my husband to step up and get back to work. I have tried to be supportive and understanding. I've helped him prepare a cv, brought ideas of new career options and set up interviews for him. If I try and have a reasonable conversation with him he flies off the handle, says he ran his own business for 10 years and he worked hard. He did, but aged 46 he simply decided he wasn't working again and without any discussion, he stopped. I have a demanding job, but I can barely make ends meet and drowning in debt that he helped cause, because we were living a lifestyle based on him returning to work as promised. When I try to talk to him about how we should restructure our finances, he pays no interest whatsoever. I try and remind him he's another 12 years before he's at retirement age, but again he just walks off.

Reading these comments I have realised that even if I love him, he obviously doesn't love me, or he wouldn't sit back and watch me really struggling and refuse to lift a finger to help.
After 30 years of marriage it breaks my heart, but I think I've reached the end of the road.

tiredanddangerous · 22/07/2021 23:15

This thread is 7 years old Hmm

willowmelangell · 23/07/2021 06:41

Noooooo! Zombie thread. @BoundlessEnergy what happened?

Original poster
BoundlessEnergy · 24/07/2021 10:03

Okay so this was a big jolt for me to read your post and I'm sorry you are in this situation. I thought it might help you a little bit for me to post the rest of my journey or at least a snapshot. So in 2015 I managed to get enough money together to move out and rent a place. It wasn't easy but breaking that hurdle was absolutely massive for me as I think he thought that I'd never do it. He did go wild for a few years though and wouldn't reach any financial arrangements for our boys and instead decided to go through the courts to try and get a ridiculous child care schedule put in place. He didn't manage this and they found in favour of the more normal schedule I had in place. It cost a fortune I don't have with solicitor and court fees. I think he did this purely out of spite at me. He'd always made threats that as I worked and he didn't that he would be the children's main carer. This was rubbish and over the years the boys now live with me 100 per cent of the time. So this is how it is now. We are still apart (much more amicably though). He still does not work. He pays nothing for the boys in terms of maintenance. Anytime I bring it up it's like a red flag to a bull. He does acknowledge he should probably pay 'something' but still does nothing. I still work full time but over the years have boosted my income up a lot more and it's made me soooo much more capable and resilient. You could choose to wait and see what happens as I get how paralysing it is to take those steps and send a clear message. It's deeply unfair that it's being left to you to work but in my experience this won't change so you are the only one who can do something about it and my advice would be to get together as much money as you can and get out sooner rather than later. Good luck and I'm wishing you well on your journey. You are strong, be brave xxx

OP posts:
OliveToboogie · 24/07/2021 13:39

He is the king of cocklodgers. He has no intention of working. Why should he when he has 2 women to fund his lifestyle. Cut your losses and LTB. Your children and yourself deserve better than this.

I was in same position my DH was a househusband while I worked. No problem only he lay in bed all day while kids at school and drank at weekends. The loss of respect and resentment became to much and I left. He now works!!! Surprise no one to fund his lifestyle.

OliveToboogie · 24/07/2021 13:40

Zombie Thread grrr

Northernsoullover · 24/07/2021 13:45

@OliveToboogie

Zombie Thread grrr
Yes but unusually the OP updated. Well done on your escape OP. I'm very proud of you.
secretskillrelationships · 24/07/2021 13:49

Lovely to see the update and know you've made a good life for yourself out of very challenging circumstances. Taking that first step can seem insurmountable and it sounds as if he's thrown everything at you too, which is often the fear that stops us acting, but you've done it!

ElspethFlashman · 24/07/2021 13:51

Well done OP, you are a warrior to go through all that.

Your boys will figure him out, that's for sure. If they haven't already.