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Original poster

Feel I will never be able to Trust a Man ever again and this makes me sad

39 replies

Honeysucklerose · 11/03/2013 16:17

I have had a few dates online nothing major one quite recently and posted already about him , but my main issue is have been hurt badly in the past and dont think I can ever trust another man again, dont get me wrong I would like to have a reltationship and all that goes with it I just dont seem to be able to do that I am now thinking it is impossible to ever get over my past , any tips would be gratefully recieved , I am not a young thign a mature woman and independent sometimes I think this makes it worse as everyone sees me as gettingon with my life as a singleton.

OP posts:
CatelynStark · 11/03/2013 16:18

Watching with interest as I feel the same :(

Original poster
Honeysucklerose · 11/03/2013 16:20

Sorry to hear that Catelyn maybe some kind MN will show us the way!

OP posts:
CatelynStark · 11/03/2013 16:22

I hope so. It's been nearly three years since my divorce and I'm still no nearer to even thinking that I could have a relationship again. I'm happy though - I love being single so it's probably for the best :)

patienceisvirtuous · 11/03/2013 16:25

You will be able to trust again. It will just take time and the right person. Once you meet someone who gives you no reason not to trust them you will start to build your trust.

This happened to me, after having been let down terribly in the past (exP lead a double life). I am with someone now who I trust; my past experiences haven't had the impact I was expecting.

It's a risk we all take with new relationships - will you get hurt all over again? You might.... but you might not :)

Original poster
Honeysucklerose · 11/03/2013 16:26

Glad to hear it yea singleness has its up side to!

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/03/2013 16:30

All men? All however-many billion there are on the planet? That's quite a generalisation.... :) Seriously, trust can be highly problematic if it's actually naivety. The older you get, the more experiences you have of life, the more knocks and scraps, the more cynical you get... I think that that's not only natural but essential. There would be something badly wrong with a person that hadn't learned anything along the way and was still very trusting and wearing their heart on their sleeve like a goggly-eyed teen, just starting out. I actually roll my eyes at the type of ikky couples that tell me 'we've never had a cross word'.... 'I trust him implicitly'... 'we're soul-mates'... 'he would never have an affair'.... because I don't think they're living in the same world the rest of us are most of the time.

So embrace it as an asset rather than a handicap. Your trust is a very precious and very fragile thing. Don't waste it on anyone that isn't 100% worthy and doesn't go all out to earn it. Keep your guard up.

Original poster
Honeysucklerose · 11/03/2013 16:31

That is interesting patienceisvirtous, I am so happy for you and wish you all the best thanks for sharing your experiences I really do appreciate it .

OP posts:
Original poster
Honeysucklerose · 11/03/2013 16:35

As always Cogito wise words from you and I have to agree that is the way I feel HENCE my guard is constantly up ,and I know I need to trust someone totally before letting them into my life , I will try to see this as a positive thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
Honeysucklerose · 11/03/2013 16:36

I meant trust as in a relationship with a man I do have men friends who I trust sorry to confuse !

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/03/2013 16:41

There is an element of having to take a chance occasionally, of course. A calculated risk possibly but you can't make yourself completely emotionally bomb-proof unless you retire to an offshore hermitage. 'Nothing ventured nothing gained' and all that.

Amberz · 24/05/2013 23:02

Have meet someone quite recently we hit it off but I am takng it slowly , he s so keen to please me t s very touchng and sexy!, fingers crossed that it might just stand a chance to work out this time!

peteypiranha · 25/05/2013 07:16

I trust dh totally, and vice versa. Most people I know are more cynical and thats why their marriages/relationships are messed up as they get jealous, put lots of restrictions on each other, and are constantly nagging each other.

Its the killer in relationshipss in my eyes. We never got like that as we got together young. You have to overcome the lack of trust or you will never be happy.

glastocat · 25/05/2013 07:25

They are all wrong'uns until you meet the right one.

Amberz · 25/05/2013 09:43

Petey, well sad I am now working on trust issues and have had a good long think about how I have to overcome trust issues within myself , this guy s lovely and really know I have to see it as a fresh start and try and relax and learn to trust him , otherwise I will never find happiness with someone , only hope I can trust myself enough to let go ........................

CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/05/2013 10:12

" Most people I know are more cynical and thats why their marriages/relationships are messed up...."

I think you've got that the wrong way around actually. If their relationships are messed up it's because they are hanging on to something that is fundamentally wrong and desperately trying to make it work. Cynical doesn't mean acting in a jealous, nagging, mistrustful way... it's just means going into things with your eyes open for problems and, rather than thinking you have to stick around tolerating bad behaviour or gathering mountains of evidence, cutting the other person loose straight away.

Amberz · 25/05/2013 10:20

I agree Cognito, I would and have been single for a long time after letting go of the relationship, rather than cling on to it , I am very independent somtimes too much I think , and yea I hopefully have my wits and eyes open to see the pitfalls and warning signs before entering into a new relationship , but feel wary, but willing to have another go!...................

CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/05/2013 10:45

You see, I think your attitude Amberz is mature and thoughtful. Cynical only in the sense of being realistic and wanting to protect yourself. I'm a little worried for petypiranah tbh because IME the couples that get together very young, trust each other implicitly and simply don't have the experience of various pitfalls are the ones that, if/when it falls apart (and I'm not wishing anyone ill), are utterly shell-shocked.

peteypiranha · 25/05/2013 11:01

Its not really the way I think cogito if it messes up then my marriage messes up. I am not going to curtail my life for anyone, and neither do I expect my husband to. If he cheats its nothing to do with me so whats the point in not trusting him. I think though that it comes from us both having high self esteem rather than whether your old or young though.

Amberz · 25/05/2013 11:02

Thanks Cogito , I see your point and have experienced friends who married young and now are splitting up after 20-30 years together and as you say shell shocked is the word!,seems to be quite common these days in the more mature age bracket , where as I have been single for 20 years raised my girl alone , so my experiences are very different to the couples view that have been fortunate enough to last the course of time, ho hum the webs we weave!

NicholasTeakozy · 25/05/2013 11:02

So embrace it as an asset rather than a handicap. Your trust is a very precious and very fragile thing. Don't waste it on anyone that isn't 100% worthy and doesn't go all out to earn it. Keep your guard up.

Wise words from Cogito. Not all of us are unfeeling bastards you know. Wink

peteypiranha · 25/05/2013 11:08

You should never be shell shocked if it falls apart. If you know inside your a decent person then their loss its not meant to be. Nobody needs a man if they dont appreciate you or respect you then just be single just dont spend your life worrying about what might never happen.

peteypiranha · 25/05/2013 11:16

I was thinking different to what you described I thought it was taking for a given you wouldnt want anyone 100% worthy or that doesnt treat you right. I would of said that thats how normal people always have thought op so maybe you were just having dysfunctional relationships before. Well done on realising.

Amberz · 25/05/2013 11:24

Thanks Nicholas I will remember these wise words!

Petey, -sorry I was shellshocked 20 years ago, and it has taken along time to forgive , it takes time we as individuals can not see the others pan, so I never like to judge ANYONES circumstances when t comes to the affairs of the heart , but I get you!

Amberz · 25/05/2013 11:25

PAIN!!

peteypiranha · 26/05/2013 07:08

I understand it must hurt amber, but just cause one man hurt you doesnt mean they all will.

I think cogito is talking about boundaries and self respect as opposedd to trust. Everyone should have that in relationships. I would hope no one would put uo with poor behaviour or ignore problems in gheir relationship, but that doesnt mean not trusting your partner.