Feel I will never be able to Trust a Man ever again and this makes me sad

[Honeysucklerose]

I have had a few dates online nothing major one quite recently and posted already about him , but my main issue is have been hurt badly in the past and dont think I can ever trust another man again, dont get me wrong I would like to have a reltationship and all that goes with it I just dont seem to be able to do that I am now thinking it is impossible to ever get over my past , any tips would be gratefully recieved , I am not a young thign a mature woman and independent sometimes I think this makes it worse as everyone sees me as gettingon with my life as a singleton.

[Amberz]

Good on you girl!

[peteypiranha]

Its not about being fortunate amber. I went out with plenty of men before dh. I just wouldnt put up with poor behaviour. Ive dumped men for cheating etc. I admit I find it extremely frustrating that so many people I know do or that they either waste their time analysing their partners every move or not being allowed to do completely normal things.

[Amberz]

Ditto! , you have been fortunate in your life partner , not everyone is that lucky.

[peteypiranha]

I lived 400 miles from home when I met dh. I didnt go back to live in my home town for nearly 4 years. I still didnt make him my life I found friends and hobbies where I was. We moved all around including abroad but he has never been 100% of all I had, even if we arrived in the new place just me and him. I sought out friends, hobbies etc.

[Amberz]

I was very young at the time and he worked abroad so we travelled alot together or spent 6 months apart ....................so it was difficult to see my friends if we were away ..................please dont judge what you dont know, Peteypiranha,

[peteypiranha]

Amberz - Where does it get you though worrying about it? These friends I have arent happy ever they are always worrying what the other one will think of them doing anything like the women wearing a short skirt, the man going to a nightclub etc. All I hear is its because he loves me, its because he wants no one else to have me, its because he thinks Im pretty and worries others will want me, its so sweet' No its not its stifling and quite creepy. I know men that arent allowed on work nights out, arent allowed in clubs, arent allowed any girls at all on facebook etc. Its no way to live.

[Amberz]

You Petey are one very lucky woman to have a man whom you can trust so much..............................., shame us mere mortals were not all so fortunate to err is human I think!

[peteypiranha]

Also a man should never be your life 100% ever, even if you go together very young. You should always have your own life.

[peteypiranha]

I married at 20 and I trust dh in the sense that I would never stop him going out or doing what he wants to do, same as he wouldnt for me. I dont second guess everything like ringing and checking on him or constantly worrying about what hes up to when hes not with me. He wants to be with me so I trust him, I am not going to waste a minute of my life worrying about 'what ifs'.

On the other hand I would never for a second allow any bad behaviour because he said he loved me. That isnt being cynical that is having low self esteem or boundaries. He knows if he ever talked disrepectfully to me, hit me, swore at me or cheated on me then he would be out immediately.

On the other hand I have friends who dont trust each other they arent allowed to go certain places, get drunk, ring certain people, have certain people on facebook, are constantly getting calls/texts on where are they, always arguing about it. Its equally men and women that do this ime, and is pointless as often there has been nothing that has caused this except the own persons insecurities. Those people are the ones that say 'he/she only does this because he loves me, he/she wants to protect me etc' Its not something I would personally put up with even the one time.

[Amberz]

Well said Cogito, you have obviously been where I have along time ago, youth is wasted on the young springs to mind, when one has literally invested in there soulmate and they are your life 100%, it kind of blinds you to their, manipulating and controling ways,maybe I thought I just did not want to see the truth...................as you say it can turn so ugly.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

But you were saying that 'jealous, nagging, mistrustful' were the qualities of your friends who were cynical about their relationships.

I married young, someone who I would have said was my soul-mate, who I trusted implicitly etc. There wasn't a cynical bone in my body in those days. I trusted him so much I didn't even see that he was emotionally abusive and manipulating me subtly. ('He was only that way because he loved me....' and that kind of rubbish.) I still trusted him right up to the point where he left me for someone else, 12 years later. A relationship without trust may be holed below the water-line, but a relationship between 'soul-mates' with unquestioning implicit trust is easily abused and then becomes a very nasty business.

[Amberz]

Good Peteypiranha, and when someone has majorly ones trust in every concievable way it is hard hard to trust again, why?,................because t leaves scars ..............that is something I would not wish on anyone .

[peteypiranha]

Sorry that was in response to this 'Cynical doesn't mean acting in a jealous, nagging, mistrustful way... it's just means going into things with your eyes open for problems and, rather than thinking you have to stick around tolerating bad behaviour or gathering mountains of evidence, cutting the other person loose straight away'.

To me that isnt cynical that is normal and means a person has healthy boundaries and self respect, and to me that has nothing to do with not trusting someone or being cynical.

I agree with you amber without trust a person has nothing in a relationship.

[Amberz]

petey , yes sure Cognito is meaning all of this but if you do not have TRUST n a relationship then what else is there?, but thanks for your thoughts.

[peteypiranha]

I understand it must hurt amber, but just cause one man hurt you doesnt mean they all will.

I think cogito is talking about boundaries and self respect as opposedd to trust. Everyone should have that in relationships. I would hope no one would put uo with poor behaviour or ignore problems in gheir relationship, but that doesnt mean not trusting your partner.

[Amberz]

PAIN!!

[Amberz]

Thanks Nicholas I will remember these wise words!

Petey, -sorry I was shellshocked 20 years ago, and it has taken along time to forgive , it takes time we as individuals can not see the others pan, so I never like to judge ANYONES circumstances when t comes to the affairs of the heart , but I get you!

[peteypiranha]

I was thinking different to what you described I thought it was taking for a given you wouldnt want anyone 100% worthy or that doesnt treat you right. I would of said that thats how normal people always have thought op so maybe you were just having dysfunctional relationships before. Well done on realising.

[peteypiranha]

You should never be shell shocked if it falls apart. If you know inside your a decent person then their loss its not meant to be. Nobody needs a man if they dont appreciate you or respect you then just be single just dont spend your life worrying about what might never happen.

[NicholasTeakozy]

So embrace it as an asset rather than a handicap. Your trust is a very precious and very fragile thing. Don't waste it on anyone that isn't 100% worthy and doesn't go all out to earn it. Keep your guard up.

Wise words from Cogito. Not all of us are unfeeling bastards you know.

[Amberz]

Thanks Cogito , I see your point and have experienced friends who married young and now are splitting up after 20-30 years together and as you say shell shocked is the word!,seems to be quite common these days in the more mature age bracket , where as I have been single for 20 years raised my girl alone , so my experiences are very different to the couples view that have been fortunate enough to last the course of time, ho hum the webs we weave!

[peteypiranha]

Its not really the way I think cogito if it messes up then my marriage messes up. I am not going to curtail my life for anyone, and neither do I expect my husband to. If he cheats its nothing to do with me so whats the point in not trusting him. I think though that it comes from us both having high self esteem rather than whether your old or young though.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

You see, I think your attitude Amberz is mature and thoughtful. Cynical only in the sense of being realistic and wanting to protect yourself. I'm a little worried for petypiranah tbh because IME the couples that get together very young, trust each other implicitly and simply don't have the experience of various pitfalls are the ones that, if/when it falls apart (and I'm not wishing anyone ill), are utterly shell-shocked.

[Amberz]

I agree Cognito, I would and have been single for a long time after letting go of the relationship, rather than cling on to it , I am very independent somtimes too much I think , and yea I hopefully have my wits and eyes open to see the pitfalls and warning signs before entering into a new relationship , but feel wary, but willing to have another go!...................

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

" Most people I know are more cynical and thats why their marriages/relationships are messed up...."

I think you've got that the wrong way around actually. If their relationships are messed up it's because they are hanging on to something that is fundamentally wrong and desperately trying to make it work. Cynical doesn't mean acting in a jealous, nagging, mistrustful way... it's just means going into things with your eyes open for problems and, rather than thinking you have to stick around tolerating bad behaviour or gathering mountains of evidence, cutting the other person loose straight away.