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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

the silent treatment

28 replies

deeplybaffled · 10/03/2013 22:19

Hi.
Would be grateful for any advice people can offer on dealing with dh semi frequent fits of silence.
We have been together nearly 4 years, lived together for 2.5 but only recently married.
He's always had quiet fits but infrequently, every few months or so. Recently, it has become most weeks.
This weekend, I have barely had a word out of him. He responds - ish -if I say something needing an answer but the conversation stops there. He is notinitiating conversation - or physical contact - of any sort, at all.
I've repeatedly asked what's wrong, not just this weekend, but when it's hsppened before.
I either get "nothing, I'm fine' or if something specific is raised and discussed, it just leads to a long shut down thereafter so nothing changes.
I've also tried leaving him to it but that doesnt shorten the shut down either.

Does anyone have similar experiences and can offer advice? At the moment, I just want to cry and / or beat him to death with a plant pot or something!

Btw, I'm certain I'm not yhe easiest to live with, myself, but at least I try to communicate and apologise if I think I'm in the wrong.

Help?.

OP posts:
YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue · 10/03/2013 22:23

This is unacceptable and unfair, it is cruel to withdraw and not explain.

Do you have children? I would rethink my relationship if this was happening to me, sorry t be blunt.

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue · 10/03/2013 22:24

This is not to do with whether you are easy or not easy to live with, this is his problem.

pregnantpause · 10/03/2013 22:24

Is it random? After a fight? Or a perceived wrong doing?
If he's just ignorant with no reason, perhaps that is part of who he is. Without reason or rhyme i'm not sure that we can offer advice. Sounds awful thoughSad

Original poster
deeplybaffled · 10/03/2013 23:05

No children.

As far as I can tell, it can be for 3 reasons - tiredness ( he works nasty hours ), illness or a perceived wrondoing. It's hard to know which on any given occasion.

OP posts:
YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue · 10/03/2013 23:14

I think it sounds pretty grim. I couldn't deal with it really. It's ok to say 'I'm shattered so I'm going to keep myself to myself' but it is cruel not to communicate, because it means you have to worry and tiptoe about.

How do you feel about it, is it affecting your moods, happiness etc?

ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 10/03/2013 23:15

How rude of him. Really, I would wait until a normal time, when he isn't going all silent, and then explain what you have explained to us - what he does, how what he does makes you feel and, actually, that what he is doing isn't acceptable to you and is actually very rude and disrespectful, to say the least.

OR

Don't wait until a normal time, ask him when he is quiet and when he gives you the stock answer of 'nothing' or 'I'm fine', push him further and demand a better answer...

I can only say what I would do, and I'd be making a hell of a fuss. The three reasons you are imagining do not excuse his poor treatment of you and if I were you, I would tell him that.

yellowbrickrd · 10/03/2013 23:38

It's a form of control I suppose, perhaps it makes him feel secure/powerful in some way. It is also a form of Emotional Abuse - 'stonewalling' you to shut you out and punish you for, well, whatever it is he thinks you've done (perceived wrongdoing, as you said) or to just to punish you for the things that aren't right in his life because you are nearest.

Whatever it is, it is not your fault and it is very wrong for you to have to live with it. I can see how it would make you really ill with stress if it goes on and on and from the sounds of it it's getting worse. Does he care at all about the effect it has on you - does he ever apologise when he finally comes out of these silences?

Forget about whatever his problem is for the moment and really think about your future - if this is going to be the norm for your relationship do you want to stay in it, yes or no? Weigh up the pros and cons. Do you want to have children with him? Could you face bringing them up assuming he will continue to behave the same way around them?

Ginebra · 10/03/2013 23:39

It's like a really petty way of punishing you for some small misdemeanour, and he probably knows that if he were to verbalise his objection it wouldn't be reasonable, or you could argue back and explain or defend, but this petty protest robs you of the chance to 'clear yourself'.

TomArchersSausage · 10/03/2013 23:57

My father has always done this. After any sort of argument between my parents the silences would be awful for days and days but he'd give the most terrible glaring furious looks that could turn you to stone. It's passive aggression on a grand scale.

I grew up with it and as an only child was keenly aware of it. He's done it to me fairly often too. He didn't speak to me for most of a year because he didn't like the course I wanted to do at college.

I do love my dad very much but his complete emotional withdrawal at times has caused more damage than he can know esp when I was a child/teenSad. I remember being very scared by it. Even now in my late 40's I can tell if he's starting to do it although now he's older (70's) it happens a little less.

We've never spoken about it either. Its too late to bring it all up now and remains one of those family things of which We Do Not Speak. But I would be extremely wary of staying with anyone that does this. It's very very upsetting. I'm so sorrySad

Lucyellensmum95 · 11/03/2013 00:00

a percieved wrong doing? leave, seriously

TomArchersSausage · 11/03/2013 00:30

Meant to say yes it is all about control. Also punishment. Instead of getting things said and sorted it all just gets locked away unsaid. You tread on eggshells doing anything to avoid this reaction, even though you may not even know what you've done.

I'm so tuned into it now that I can hear the smallest voice intonation or notice the merest look to know he's not ok about something and is annoyed and might shut off.

Its def left me with problems regarding arguments or differences of opinion. I don't do well under any sort of conflict at all.

yellowbrickrd · 11/03/2013 09:41

recent thread might be interesting to you baffled

whimsicalmess · 11/03/2013 12:48

I had this problem with my DP the last time it happened I kept on at him and basically tell me whats wrong , you' are being very off with me, if you don't its over, told him to get out and made it very clear if he ever did it again it was over.
Its never happened again and we are much happier, bare in mind I was only 20 when I did that dependent with a young baby.
for lack of a better phrase you need to man up,the outside looking in there is nothing more pathetic than someone tiptoeing round someone like that, god I must have looked so pathetic.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/03/2013 18:00

It's a form of bullying. Emotional abuse if you like. Ignore or ask him to leave until he's decided whether he's still on the team or not....

Original poster
deeplybaffled · 11/03/2013 21:20

Right! Manning up it is. Not giving up this marriage without a fight.....
Thanks for the support - part of me was wondering if I was overreacting, but seems not. I had actually been thinking inphrases like "emotional abuse" but thought I was being a bit dramatic.
Had a fairly long and tearful - on my side and maybe him too, it was dark -talk about it last night and seemed to get somewhere in that he acknowledged that it was a problem.
Right. Onwards and upwards......and thanks, including for link yo previous thread. X

OP posts:
yellowbrickrd · 11/03/2013 21:23

Good luck - nice you hear you sounding so positive! Smile

littleblackno · 11/03/2013 21:33

Is he depressed? Just a thought, I understand all the responses saying that his behaviour is unreasonable - and it is. But maybe there is something else going on. Maybe try and get him to see his gp.

AverageJoe40 · 11/03/2013 22:27

Here's my point of view as a man who used to do this towards the end of a 5 yr relationship with my ExGF.

I used to do the 'minimal speech' thing either when I had nothing nice to say and I didn't want to upset her by saying something not nice or, when I was being eaten up inside by thoughts of escape!

Not proud of it at all but I guess certain situations make us certain people.

All I'd say is talk and talk and talk some more very openly and honestly to try and work out what both of you really really want...

Shr0edinger · 11/03/2013 22:38

I used to do it too. But only because I'd spent hours trying to be heard and that hadn't worked. he just didn't care, and wouldn't alter his perspective one tiny bit. There would be no compromise, no concessions, ever. So, while I digested this and figured otu that it was as simple as stay and accept it, or tell him to fuck himself and leave, I did do the silent treatment. (that didn't work either.) I think he found it less irritating than me talking.

OPs experience doesn't suggest this.

Showtime · 11/03/2013 23:20

My DB (treated for depression) is presently doing this, and I can remember which parent used to do it too, but I know I'd not be able to live with it. My system now is to ask what's the problem, then say I'm sorry he's thinking this way (feelings hurt for whatever reason) then ignore him until I can speak to him again without feeling angry, and just get on with my life, knowing some people are unreasonable. Not something I'd volunteer to live with though, and not someone I'd choose as a parent.

jynier · 12/03/2013 02:23

Have said this before on other threads; the "silent treatment" is the least recognised severest form of mental abuse.

Good luck, OP!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/03/2013 07:17

Whatever you do don't cry about it in front of him. Bullies always like to know they've upset you and, if you cry, then they know their tactics are working. Stay very strong about this. Be angry rather than upset and, if you have to cry, do it after you've ticked him off... not during.

whimsicalmess · 12/03/2013 10:37

Is he better today op?

TheMagicToyshop · 12/03/2013 11:03

My ex used to do this to, it is so horrible, agree it is emotional abuse. Things started to get better when I stopped getting upset, crying and pleading, and started getting angry and calmly offering ultimatums, giving a clear message it was totally unacceptable behaviour. Hope things start to improve for you.

Original poster
deeplybaffled · 12/03/2013 23:18

Thanks for all the support and tips. Things seem better, yesterday was quiet but not unnaturally so and this evening was ok as far as I could tell but only saw him for an hour before I went out with a friend for dinner. Fingers crossed that he's snapped out of it but will remember your helpful suggestions if it arises again. X

OP posts:
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