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Living together in silence

(101 Posts)
gingerbreadshoes Wed 20-Feb-13 21:18:44

I have nc for this as DP has been known to lurk and I don't want him to find this.

For some reason at the moment DP is not speaking to me, when I ask him if he is ok he doesn't answer and if I ask him a question about his day for example I just get one word answers back.

This has been going on for a while but it has gradually got worse to the point now where he didn't even speak to my family when they were here tonight.

He has said that he has had stressful days at work but I really don't think it is this that is causing his silence and if it is it seems a bit unfair to take it out on me.

We have a young DS together and he is fine with him, talking and playing normally but just no interaction with me.

I know I can be grumpy and short tempered at times but it is when I am tired as I have mobility problems which I think he tends to forget about because they are not obvious but do wear me out especially if DS has been having a clingy day.

I have tried to speak to him about this before as it's not the first time he has been like this but he just says he feels like he is missing out on something but doesn't know what and he has always believed this so is never truly happy with what he has, whereas I am the opposite and perfectly happy with what I have/achieved.

He is out at the moment and I will be in bed by the time he gets back so I won't get a chance to talk to him about it tonight but I would like some ideas on how to tackle this please.

AddictedtoCrunchies Wed 20-Feb-13 21:36:33

Hmmm I think if it was me I'd demand to know what was happening. If he's that unhappy with his lot then he needs to do something about it and not make your life a misery. And being rude to your family would be a deal breaker for me too.
Not much use but I'm sure someone with better advice will be along soon. thanks

gingerbreadshoes Wed 20-Feb-13 21:44:09

I have tried demanding in the past because I get so fed up with it but he just clams up even further (if that is even possible). I have also said that if he is unhappy with us then he should leave but he says he can't imagine not seeing DS everyday so that then to me sounds as though we are only together still because of him.

We very rarely do things together anymore and if I suggest something such as the park it is a real struggle to get him to agree but he is quite happy to take DS out on his own.

Seeing this all written down it doesn't sound as though we have much going for us but I don't want it to be this way sad

yellowbrickrd Wed 20-Feb-13 21:49:39

Horrible behaviour this and very hard to deal with when you're getting the silent treatment as often when the person is confronted directly they pretend they're not doing it - they want to make you feel bad but probably know they're on shaky ground and wouldn't be able to give a valid reason.

Have you ever suggested relationship counselling or do you think he wouldn't go? At least then you would have someone there to guide him into articulating his problems properly and getting him to accept some responsibility instead of putting all the weight on you.

gingerbreadshoes Wed 20-Feb-13 21:58:24

I haven't suggested counselling but maybe this time I should - it might even be enough to make him stop and think about what he is doing and why if he thinks he might have to tell a stranger about it.

On the other hand I can't imagine for one moment he would agree to go but it's worth a try.

ThereGoesTheYear Wed 20-Feb-13 22:04:17

This sounds utterly soul-destroying. Stonewalling is emotional abuse. How long do these silent bouts last, and can you trace it back to him 'punishing' you for something?

yellowbrickrd Wed 20-Feb-13 22:06:02

Well if he won't agree to go I think he should be able to justify why not - clearly he's not happy and doesn't value the relationship - you deserve better than that. Tbh even if you mentioning counselling jolts him into stopping the silent treatment I doubt he will get much further than that and in a while you will find yourself back in the same cycle - you need some positive action from him.

From your description the relationship certainly sounds as if it's dying - do you feel you want him to stay or are you also thinking more in terms of your ds? Sorry you're having a crap time sad

suburbophobe Wed 20-Feb-13 22:18:06


Why waste your life on someone who doesn't love you?!

Footface Wed 20-Feb-13 22:18:57

I just wanted to say your not alone. I don't have any answers but my dp can do this at times and its very cruel and controlling

AnyFucker Wed 20-Feb-13 22:20:31

Ask him to leave until he deigns to treat you like a human being

Who the fuck does he think he is ?

Say to him that you are not prepared to put up with living like this, and if he doesn't show any interest in resolving the problem then you will dump him. Because at the moment he's got you running round trying to make him happy and he's putting no effort into the marriage at all. It's worth reminding him that you have choices and options and that he's not the only one who can decide that the marriage is over.

gingerbreadshoes Thu 21-Feb-13 05:37:34

Thanks everyone you have helped me to see that it isn't ok to live like this.

I don't know if I want him to leave it seems a bit scary to be on my own with DS.

I think that I find understanding his behaviour difficult because I am the complete opposite in that if I have a problem with something I say it there and then and although I might get angry and shout it is all over and done with quickly. Whereas he could drag this out for days.

Nobody in rl knows about this because I don't have anyone I can speak to plus he is such a nice person to others I doubt I would be taken seriously. He has been known to twist events that are happening so that he looks as though he is very hard done by and when I've told his friends the facts about the situations they have admitted that he hasn't told them the truth.

I also find his idea that he is missing out on something but not knowing what very confusing and have told him it must be a very tiring way of living. I don't know why he can't just enjoy what he has got, there are alot of people worse off than him.

I'm dreading the morning as I can see it still dragging on sad .

yellowbrickrd Thu 21-Feb-13 12:29:48

He isn't always nice to others tho because he was giving your family the treatment as well. Do you ever talk to them about the relationship or is that difficult? They must have noticed things aren't right.

The behaviour you describe, as theregoestheyear says, is definitely emotional abuse and not just some personality quirk. He shuts you down by refusing to talk, he twists things to paint himself as the victim, he blames you for the fact he is 'missing out' on something without making any attempt to help himself.

I actually think you are focusing too much on him, wondering about his problems and his personality and not enough on yourself. You can't really do anything about his behaviour, only he could do that. You don't have to go to Relate as a couple, you can go on your own and that would give you someone impartial to discuss things with if you lack support in RL.

I also think you are underestimating the damaging effect this is having on your life if you are scared of being without him. Whatever you might have to cope with would surely be better without being undermined by someone who treats you as if you don't exist.

My Ex was like this at the beginning of our relationship.
I am not a school child in a playground and when he gave me the full silent treatment (for what I do not know) I packed my bags and left while he was at work.
He had no idea what had happened.
He called round to talk to me. At last!!!
I told him in no uncertain terms that we are adults. We are both educated and very capable of communicating via speach. And if he ever did it again I would leave for good.
We did talk about things and the issue for him was, he didn't see anything really wrong with his behaviour. It was something his mum used to do a lot so he thought it was a normal way to behave.
We lasted many years after that and he never ignored me again.
I think he needs to leave to be honest. Even if it's just a temporary measure to allow both of you a bit of space out of this toxic environment!
Set a time limit. So he leaves at the weekend and you have some time apart for 4 days and you have a meeting to discuss thing on Wednesday.
I think you will both benefit from some time apart.
Good luck!

Liltzero Thu 21-Feb-13 12:53:22

The title of your thread caught my eye because I have experienced exactly the same. DH first became withdrawn and quiet, then only spoke to me if I asked him a question and then replied with one word answers. After months of this shit he finally he admitted that he is in love with a friend of ours angry [hmmm]

Two months later we are still together (just) whilst he tries to decide whether to risk all on the OW or stay with the DW. This is hard work on me but my pride dictates that I will do nothing to precipitate the end of marriage if that is want he wants he's going to have to get the balls up to do his own dirty work!

I was interested in the comments on emotional abuse. I might use that expression next time we talk!!

Liltzero Thu 21-Feb-13 12:54:00

Best of luck ginger!

gingerbreadshoes Thu 21-Feb-13 22:29:51

Thanks everyone!

Well after a still not being spoken to this morning as he was getting ready for work I asked him if he was planning on speaking to me today, his reply - I might do!!!

At that I told him that I didn't want to live like this and if he wasn't happy he should leave because I don't want DS growing up with parents that don't speak to one another.

I also asked him why he was in a mood and hadn't spoken to my family and all he coukd come up with was that the living room was full of stuff and he didn't expect to come home to it. The 'stuff' was DS's clothes I was sorting out to sell so yes they were all over the sofa but they were packed away today.

I must admit I did tell him he was pathetic for this as he knew it wasn't going to stay a mess.

He has sort of resumed speaking but it's still not quite right. I think I will see how tonight/tomorrow goes and then maybe suggest a break.

Thank you for your replies they have really helped me, I have tried to talk to my DM but she doesn't offer any help or guidance so I don't tend to bother anymore.

yellowbrickrd Fri 22-Feb-13 10:59:06

Shame about your DM ginger, is she the type who just expects to put up with things?

You were right - his excuse about the clothes is really pathetic and clearly you caught him out by asking - he was probably counting on just keeping you shut down so he could continue to make you suffer in silence so well done for fronting up to him.

You're also quite right to highlight to him the damage this will do to your ds. It's horrible to imagine growing up that kind of atmosphere for years on end.

What was his answer when you said he should leave? You mentioned upthread that his response to that before has been that he can't face not seeing ds everyday. This is weak because there's nothing to stop him coming round every day and doing his share of parenting. More likely he doesn't want to go because he has his comfortable niche there where he can take his frustrations out on you and never has to face the truth about himself.

the living room was full of stuff and he didn't expect to come home to it

You have got to be kidding me!? He actually said this?
And you just accepted it???
I would have gone mental at a comment like this.
So what? You stay at home, do nothing other than cook and clean up after him all day long? Does he really think you don't do anything all day?
What decade does he think he is living in?
Seriously OP, this is not right!

gingerbreadshoes Fri 22-Feb-13 18:11:00

yellowbrickrd I think she just isn't interested and you are right she probably does think I should put up with it. She has been on her own for quite a while and I don't really want to end up going down the same route.

hellsbellsmelons I do think he believes I don't do anything all day but if he looks after ds it is only for a couple of hours at a time as I'm still bf. He doesn't get to experience not being able to shower etc unless you get up at 6am or wait for a potential nap which may or may not happen - the alternative is washing whilst ds screams. He does do a lot around the house but sometimes I just don't want to do it because the atmosphere is so bad.

I have told him tonight that I'd like him to leave because it hasn't improved enough for me and I've just realised that the last time we went out together as a family for more than an hour was December even though I have suggested things.

I hope we can talk tonight but I can't see it going well or making a difference.

Lucyellensmum95 Fri 22-Feb-13 18:28:46

You know what - just LTB seriously, who the hell does he think he is? I am going through a bad patch wiht my DP just now and its not great but if he refused to speak to me it would fry my head. OF course people go quiet and uncommunicative after a row, my DP goes "into himself" but never ignores and refuses to speak - terrible behaviour. It will affect your children, just leave him.

this is not a good way to live.

good luck with talking to him ginger. counselling does sound like a good idea. i do think he needs to understand the seriousness of this.

emess Fri 22-Feb-13 23:39:11

I know this behaviour too. My DH tends to do this when he's feeling particularly depressed. (he's been on meds for it for 5 years, I'm not just using the word casually). He's fine for days on end then he just gets withdrawn and - as tonight - just takes to his bed after we've eaten, sometimes without a word to me. Just wondered if your DH could be depressed? If he is then he needs to seek help for it.

jynier Sat 23-Feb-13 03:34:32

"Silent treatment" is the least recognized but severest form of mental abuse. It is cruel and unacceptable OP.

So sorry for you and your DS; it must be having an effect on him.

Be strong! Best wishes.

Littleturkish Sat 23-Feb-13 03:53:16

I had a friend whose DP did this every time she had been out the night before. Silence over the weekend. Ridiculous.

If it is 'mid row' sometimes I am too angry or upset to compose sentences, and go silent (or withdraw) whilst I think what to say...usually trying to think of the right balance of emotion/logic...but to not speak for days?! It is emotional abuse.

I'm glad you called him on it, he is entirely unreasonable and you don't have to put up with it. I would tell him YOU find his behaviour intolerable and wish him to leave- regardless of his feelings. Of course he doesn't want to- he has a great life sulking and attention seeking with you doing all the hard work and caring!

gingerbreadshoes Sat 23-Feb-13 04:30:49

Well we haven't managed to talk and he is still giving me the silent treatment but hopefully we will wake up before ds and I can speak to him then.

What gets me is how long he can drag something out, if he was a shouty person it would be all over and done with by now and we would be getting on with our lives.

I think he knows it upsets me and thats why he carries it on because there isn't much else he can do that will.

Bedtime1 Sat 23-Feb-13 05:28:38

That would drive me crazy. How annoying! If he is giving you the silent treatment to annoy you then you ask him what's up he will be silent even more. Has he always been like this?
I think if he's told you that there's something missing then you have your answer really as to hows he is thinking but for him to come out and say this out of the blue! Could there be someone else?

He said he's not happy! I can only think you need to be strong and go ahead with telling him to go. Then you will know what happens after that and wether he genuinely cares. I'm sorry though men can be real shits. They should just be honest.

corblimeymadam Sat 23-Feb-13 05:43:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheFallenNinja Sat 23-Feb-13 05:47:00

I despise the silent treatment. It is arguably one if the cruelest none violent forms of abuse.

I'd pack his stuff, bolt all the doors and fuck him off. He'll soon start talking then.

Bedtime1 Sat 23-Feb-13 06:13:31

Yes ninja your way sounds good to me

jynier Sat 23-Feb-13 06:27:48

Agree with ninja - think that this sort of behaviour is also called hostile disengagement. Sorry that you are going through this, OP

Izpie Sat 23-Feb-13 06:34:55

My dh went through a time similar to this, not quite as silent as yours but very disengaged and felt like I was living with a flatmate with whom I was on polite speaking terms rather than dh. I ended up turning to him on the sofa one night and told him I was really unhappy with the way things were, that although I didn't want the relationship to end I was at make or break point. I stayed calm and reasonable and told him how I felt and what I wanted, I gave him space to say the same. It wasn't an easy conversation and at times he was pithy and sarcastic but in the end we both agreed to make some changes. Things got a bit better then a couple of weeks later I had a real rant at him telling him I had had enough and have him the bottom line. We're 2 months down the line from that now and things are not perfect but loads better and we're both happy.

I think rather than making the conversation about him and why he's doing it, let him know how you feel and why you're not happy, what you want to change and what you will do if it doesn't.

gingerbreadshoes Sat 23-Feb-13 19:23:33

I have sort of spoken to him tonight and he has said he loves me but isn't in love with me and possibly hasn't been for the last year.

He did have problems adjusting to ds being here with me all of the time as before I worked 15 hours a day 3-4 days a week so this meant he had a lot of time to himself. I worked like this for both our benefits so was only ever at home 2 evenings and at the weekend.

He says he can't tell me why he is unhappy and I told him that we can't do anything if I don't know his thoughts/reasons.

He still says about missing ds and I told him he could still see him and he also admitted that he has no where to go, I did tell him on both counts it was his own fault though maybe I shouldn't have.

I am pretending so very hard to appear calm and factual on the outside and am giving him a chance to tell me what he would want changed but inside I want to cry my eyes out because I don't want ds to grow up without us being a family. I know this can work well but having lived like it myself I don't want it to be like that.

What do I do next I am stuck as he won't talk to me about things?

Lucyellensmum95 Sat 23-Feb-13 19:31:19

It is far better for your DS to grow up with this man out of the house than be a "family" where the parents are constantly battling and not talking to each other. I kow it seems hard but i just coudlnt live like this.

yellowbrickrd Sat 23-Feb-13 23:34:07

I think you are a bit stuck ginger in that the decision is going to rest with you but it is hard for you to be firm about it while you are so mixed-up. If you can't face being without him you can at least continue to be very up-front with him - don't feel bad about telling him it's his own fault, you are only speaking the truth.

If he's not going then the best option right now is to insist he goes to counselling/therapy where he can at least learn how to express his emotions normally and discuss problems like an adult. It won't be the most loving environment but at least it won't be a battleground for your ds.

THrow him out. Honestly, you really need to throw him out, because otherwise he will just carry on sulking and stropping and performing and you will spend the rest of your life focussed on managing his moods.
Remember this: he is not a good person. Because good, reasonable people don't behave like this. He thinks he's the one in charge of the relationship, with the power to punish and control you, so really the only thing to do is get rid of him.

Charbon Sun 24-Feb-13 01:07:10

Just read this thread all in one go and even before coming to the update about your chat, I thought 'affair'. The 'I love you but I'm not in love with you and haven't been for about a year' is the classic announcement from a man who's having an affair and has backdated the lost feelings to before his affair started.

In reality, it doesn't matter because what you're experiencing is emotional abuse and he needs to leave. I expect the reason he doesn't want to has got very little to do with anything more than he's got nowhere to go because the OW hasn't got free accommodation at the moment.

He's an abusive, nasty, controlling little shit and he's making me very angry because you, OP, have tried everything and he's still making you cry.

You deserve better and you won't get it from him, I'm sorry.

gingerbreadshoes Sun 24-Feb-13 10:18:21

We have had a proper chat now and have decided to give it a go once more for a month and see how we feel after that.

He admits that doesn't know what is making him unhappy and he thinks that if he left he would stay on his own (doubtful though). He also said that he knows going quiet isn't very nice for me but at least he knows that he has found a way to upset me so that I know he is annoyed with me which is why he does it.

He has also told me this morning that he doesn't think I realise just how much he does at home and he doesn't think I would be able to manage on my own. He quite clearly underestimates me because I would make sure I coped just so he couldn't have the satisfaction of saying I told you so!

I don't know if things will improve but at least this way I can say I tried and if it doesn't work out then that is it.

yellowbrickrd Sun 24-Feb-13 10:31:08

I like your answer about making sure you coped without him - you sound much stronger today all round. Good luck with everything ginger.

AnyFucker Sun 24-Feb-13 10:38:07

See you in a month then sad

I agree with charbon. There is another woman so all this trying is a waste of time

dilemmanc Sun 24-Feb-13 10:44:05

ginger I'm in this situation as well. He occasionally gives and excuse for his behaviour and I step up and change and he doesn't change anything. I'm miserable, but I know what I need to do now. I'm not going to say here though because he's found one of my posts on here before. He talks to me now, but it's as though I'm a colleague or a sibling. He gives no affection, he doesn't help with the kids or round the house. He's like a useless moody fucking teenager sitting upstairs playing computer games and jacking off over teen porn. I talked to him about the porn and the fact I don't like it and he just said 'what do you expect when we only have sex once a month'. I really should have said 'what do YOU expect when you contribute nothing to our family and take everything important out of our relationship?'

I know what I need to do. And I'm going to do it. I've had enough of carrying everything while he does nothing.

Sorry for hijack, your story just rang some bells for me. He's also done the silent treatment thing as well and I know how much it sucks.

AnyFucker Sun 24-Feb-13 11:12:34

Dilemmanc, your partner sounds like a waste of fucking space

Teen porn ?

Get him out of your house, fgs

AnyFucker Sun 24-Feb-13 11:23:43

That sounds very bossy blush

What I really meant is that I agree you should end your relationship

Xales Sun 24-Feb-13 11:45:23

Sorry you are going through this.

What do you realistically think you can achieve in 4 short weeks?

Your H has told you he doesn't love you, has been unhappy for over a year and deliberately does this to upset you rather than talking to you like a normal human being.

I am going to say that again.

He admitted he deliberately does this to upset you so you know he is annoyed with you.

He has spouted vague crap about work stress, extended this silence to your family as he was punishing you. Your H has admitted he did this to punish you. Punish you for what for having clothes out to sort? Seriously?!?!!?

So what are you going to do? Are you going to bend over backwards and attempt to be the perfect stepford wife in an attempt to make this man happier?

What is he going to do?

I am not going with the others and saying see you in a month. Please post here over the next month as a sounding board and in the hopes that you will wake up and see how shoddily this man is really treating you beyond just the 'silence'.

Trying over the next month means him trying also not just you running yourself ragged in the hopes of winning the prize he thinks he is.

Hi stuff would be in black bags on the front lawn. Fuck someone who I am in a relationship ignoring me. I wouldn't expect a stranger in the street to ignore me let alone someone I am in a relationship with!

Charbon Sun 24-Feb-13 13:06:33

I think that's a mistake OP. He's told you that he deliberately tries to upset you. What more do you need to know?

Since I think it's very likely he's having an affair but she can't accommodate him just yet, at least if you end this now you can control the timing of his departure. If you wait this out until he's ready to go, he will up sticks and leave you at the worst possible time for you.

gingerbreadshoes Sun 24-Feb-13 14:11:29

Tbh I don't actually think we will last a month as today hasn't exactly been great so far.

I suggested going out but as I had previously said I wanted to tidy ds's room he said we wouldn't be going out as I'd mentioned the tidying first. He does like to have a tidy house but I'm sure it could have waited.

Littleturkish Sun 24-Feb-13 14:15:14


is he helping you tidy?!

Xales Sun 24-Feb-13 14:18:46

Can you take the kids and go out without him?

Hissy Sun 24-Feb-13 14:20:57

He needs to leave.

Stonewalling is the worst kind of abuse.

He has to go.

Think of your DS, you want him doing this to you when he gets in a strop? He will, cos he'll learn off this dreadful angry man.

Dump him now.

Remember that he is neither your boss or your owner and you don't have to obey him about tidying up. Take DS and go out, tell Sulkybollocks that if the mess bothers him, he can tidy it up himself.
And if this means he goes all silent again, just ignore it like you would a toddler tantrum. He's a waste of space.

gingerbreadshoes Sun 24-Feb-13 14:32:42

dilemmanc feel free to hijack there are many helpful people here and it has helped me to get advice from the outside.

Funnily enough he too has been recently looking at porn but I don't know for how long (not trying to dripfeed but I didn't know how to drop it into the thread before)

I'm having too much fun atm watching ds learning to walk so won't be going out or tidying for a while grin .

Please don't think I am ignoring peoples advice I am just storing it up and it is making me realise that a month won't make a difference we are who we are and that can't be easily changed. If I tried to be a stepford wife it wouldn't last because it's not who I am.

AnyFucker Sun 24-Feb-13 15:10:32

We don't think you are ignoring us, love

CarnivorousPanda Sun 24-Feb-13 16:42:59

He's told you he's not happy with what he has.

So his response is to make you unhappy?

Agree with others -you don't want your DS growing up thinking this is normal.
I think he's biding his time, maybe he wants you to throw him out so he can play the aggrieved innocent party.

Hissy Sun 24-Feb-13 16:45:00

You have to come to the realisation in your own time. 4 weeks won't make any difference.

Let me tell you, even if you WERE a stepford wife, it wouldn't be good enough, there would still be some heinous crime you'd be guilty of.

OK, so you know what the outcome of this will be, and you know that the end is coming, you just need to understand it, get your head around it and manage it.

You are frightened of the future, scared his brainwashing 'you can't make it out there' is true.

Let me tell you that it SO is NOT true. I was much more crushed than you, scared of leaving the house, terrified of looking people/men in the face for fear of repercussions, but I made it!

2 years on I'm happier and stronger than I've ever been in my life. MN helped enormously, as did my very few remaining friends.

I can tell you that getting out of this will be the making of you and your DS. Please don't worry about the future without this guy, it can't be any worse than it is now. Not really. this treatment is worse and more damaging than being battered tbh. You can't get police intervention when someone is ignoring you, you can't get rescued then. But you need it just as much, you do need to get away from this horrible angry man.

Remember that you didn't do this, HE DID. He is choosing to use heavyweight tactics to manipulate and undermine you. Because he can, because he wants to, and because it makes HIM happy to see you squirm/suffer. He told you that in plain words.

None of this will ever get any better, only when you leave.

Charbon Sun 24-Feb-13 18:02:16

The porn is no surprise. It's usually a big factor in infidelity.

If you didn't go out today then you're just playing into his hands. I can't see the point of playing for time, because he's working to his timescale here, not yours or his son's. When it suits him, he'll leave without a backward glance - and that might cause havoc at that point whereas if it's your decision, you can put things in place to ameliorate the loss and disruption.

Hissy Sun 24-Feb-13 18:23:28

These monumental twats get a hard on by inflicting pain and terror. He's enjoying his work here, making the OP beg for conversation, but only getting it when he deems her 'good enough'

He won't leave, not when he's enjoying this.

gingerbreadshoes Mon 25-Feb-13 09:53:46

Well today I have found out that he has been texting a woman he met about a month ago! He met her as a stranger then realised they knew a couple of the same people and have been in touch ever since. He has told her about his unhappiness because he didn't feel that he could speak to me. I have told him how hurt and upset I am and that I don't feel I can trust him now but he says shes already in a relationship and there is nothing going on she was just someone who could give him impartial advice.

I do feel hypocritical because I have been posting on here about us but I'm not sure if it the same or not?

Am just so upset that he didn't even try to speak to me as far as I was aware up until last week we were fine, I told him I can't fix something if I don't know its broken.

Don't know whether to keep this to myself or speak to my mum when she comes over am a mixture of sad and angry right now.

AnyFucker Mon 25-Feb-13 10:12:34

Of course it's not the same !

We are a bunch of anonymous internet sprites you will never meet

He is building an emotional connection with an Ow he has contact with

Not surprised at all to see there is a 3rd person in your relationship

Boy, these "monumental twats" really do follow a predictable script, don't they?

gingerbreadshoes Mon 25-Feb-13 10:25:06

I have to say anyfucker I'm a little suprised grin !

He admits that he can see how it looks but says there is nothing going on between them as he wouldn't do that to me.

I have told him to leave and said that it's his own fault that he won't get to see ds wake up every morning, he begged me not to do this but it's the only way I can make him see the seriousness of what he has done.

AnyFucker Mon 25-Feb-13 10:51:01

Good on you. Is he going then, or is he going to hang around with a hangdog expression like a bad smell?

Personally, I think the best course of action is to end your relationship permanently for what you originally posted about. But a man who pushes you out, stonewalls you, abuses you emotionally whilst pursuing an emotional connection with another woman deserves his arse showing to him for good.

I appreciate you may not (yet) be at that point. But certainly, giving him the unequivocal message that you will not tolerate this shoddy treatment is the only thing you can do at this point. Unless you go and have a frontal lobotomy, that is.

What will be very telling, is if he continues to contact this OW.

Op, he isn't saying anything that gives you a reason to let him stay. He is not apologising, he is not behaving in a loving way at all. He is only saying don't do this, because he can't imagine life without seeing ds in the mornings! He hasn't said, he can't imagine waking and not seeing you there in the mornings. He does not seem to be saying he loves being with you, and would miss you, and wants to do everything he can to try to make things better.

I wouldn't want to be with a man who wasn't wholeheartedly wanting to be with me. But was just there for his ds.

What an absolute insult!

You are on MN, trying to get help because your 'D'P has inexplicably stopped talking to you.

He is texting another woman, trying to seek solace with her, and presumably telling her he feels he is missing out on something etc. or perhaps she is telling him he is missing out on something....

Two different things entirely.

If it were me, I'd get him out now.

Littleturkish Mon 25-Feb-13 11:37:09

Totally not surprising. No wonder it was so easy to ignore you when he was in contact with this other woman.

He has to go. Twat.

OneMoreGo Mon 25-Feb-13 11:49:40

The Script! UNBELIEVABLE. So, so sad for you, you deserve about a million times better than this bloke.

gingerbreadshoes Mon 25-Feb-13 12:11:07

I have text the mutal friend and she just said they had got to know each other on fb and found they got on well as friends.

I have told my mum so am getting some rl support although she keeps changing the subject and then going back to it.

You are right he hasn't said he would miss me once its all about ds, his biggest fear is that I will stop him from seeing ds but I would never do that as its not fair on ds.

He hasnt contacted me so far today and he was asking what time I will be at home this afternoon.but I wouldnt give an exact time.

I am just so disapointed that he has behaved so predictably, my dad has done the same and says he regrets leaving so the grass is not greener.

AnyFucker Mon 25-Feb-13 12:20:47

Stupid man.

Charbon Mon 25-Feb-13 12:42:40

Well of course they are both lying to you and are having an affair, because they've both got an investment in lying as they are both in relationships. If it was innocent, he would have told you.

It's irrelevant really because he is abusive regardless of the affair. How ridiculous to say 'he wouldn't do that to you' when he is quite prepared to emotionally abuse you, say he doesn't love you any more and that he likes to upset you. As if having an affair is any different or worse than that.

CarnivorousPanda Mon 25-Feb-13 13:50:10

He has checked out emotionally from your relationship. Now he's contacting other women. I'm sorry, but i think that says it all.

gingerbreadshoes Mon 25-Feb-13 20:36:08

Ok so we have been talking again and I told him how hurt I feel that a complete stranger knows more about our relationship than I do. I also said how can I believe that he hasn't been meeting up with her even though he denies this. I asked to read the texts which he did let me after a while but said there were only ones on there since saturday.

Reading them it doesn't seem as though they have met up but he told her that I know about her so she said it might make me buck my ideas up, nice!

He keeps saying that he doesn't know why he is unhappy so I told him that even if he left and met someone else he wouldn't be guaranteed happiness because he can't say what will make him happy.

I am so confused because while he has had time to chat to a few different people I have only had a couple of days. I don't want him to leave because I do love him and I have told him this.

I'm also not sure how I can face all the people he has been telling because they know personal stuff about me and I will always feel as though they are judging my every move.

Charbon Mon 25-Feb-13 20:48:00

You saw only the texts from the last few days after he'd been found out and even then he was grudging about showing you them. Since you found out, he has deleted the more incriminating ones of course.

He has obviously been bad-mouthing you to this woman and goodness knows who else. This blatant disloyalty, together with the abusive behaviour, is disgraceful.

And yet after all that you don't want him to leave and you love him?


Xales Mon 25-Feb-13 20:51:37

How do you see this working if you stay with him?

He carries on chatting to his new friend? Bitching to her plus all your other friends?

Treats you with contemptuous silence whenever he feels he wants to upset you for some real or imagined reason rather than discuss it like an adult.

Sleeps beside you every night after treating you this way with no love for you? Or will you move to separate rooms?

Finally forms a strong enough attachment to this other woman over his bitching about you and how hard his life is to leave you.

How long do you want to live like that?

gingerbreadshoes Mon 25-Feb-13 21:02:14

Because I don't want to be on my own sad .

I told him that if we were to stay together then he would have to cut off all contact with her as she is not a long term friend that he needs in his life and he agreed.

He says he had to talk to other people to gain the confidence to talk to me. I did say that he hadn't tried before so he had no way of knowing how I would react he was just second guessing me.

He doesn't know if we could ever work things out with him being the way he is - unsure of what he wants from life/unable to find happiness in what he does have.

I know that it all points to us splitting up but he did say earlier it was his house too so why should he leave and I don't know how I could make him.

This ow is worried that I will cause trouble for her in her relationship so clearly she knows what they have been doing is wrong.

This seems so easy written down but I don't want to be the one who tells him to leave as then he becomes the injured party although I know this isn't the time for point scoring.

Charbon Mon 25-Feb-13 21:12:25

Being single is infinitely preferable than a relationship like this. What do you fear so much from being single?

Of course the OW is worried. She's been having an affair with your partner and cheating on her own. She'll possibly drop him like a stone now, so don't believe their relationship will cease for your benefit.

Asking an abusive, ambivalent, unfaithful man to leave does not make him the injured party and you shouldn't give a damn if that's what he chooses to tell people. Ending a relationship for these reasons is the only sensible, sane course of action.

He's lying to you. He didn't have to strike up a new relationship with a stranger to give him the courage to talk to you. He did that in order to embark on an affair. His use of silent punishment and callous treatment of you was because he's abusive, not scared of discussion.

yellowbrickrd Mon 25-Feb-13 21:16:40

I might have known he would refuse to go, the git. Your updates have made me so angry ginger and you really need to start feeling some of that.

Fact is, living with those punishing silences, his betrayal (whatever he has or hasn't done he has clearly betrayed you) and his arrogance - you already are living alone because he is no support to you.

Telling this person that you love him will only make him despise you more and encourage him to abuse his hold over you. Please believe you are worth more than that.

Xales Mon 25-Feb-13 21:19:47

He told you that he deliberately gave you the silent treatment as he got off on knowing it upset you.

He told you he doesn't want to leave because of your child. Not you.

One person's love and trying will not fix a relationship if the other half has already left.

Charbon Mon 25-Feb-13 21:21:49

I think you need some therapy to find out why you love and want to stay with someone who has treated you this badly. What happened to make you feel this is all you are worth?

ApplyYourself Mon 25-Feb-13 21:22:27

You might not want to be on your own but SURELY that is preferable to being with a man who has actually TOLD YOU that he does not love you. He has told you this... he doesn't love you, he is texting another woman and he doesn't speak to you unless he has to.

Think about that. Don't you deserve more than the pathetic scraps he is throwing you?

AnyFucker Mon 25-Feb-13 21:44:45

This thread is so sad. That women will settle for so little.

Look love, as well as this man making a fool of are doing it to yourself. You are handing your self respect to him, on a plate, with a bow on top.

Not too long ago, you were adamant he had to go

More info has come to light that makes that even more imperative

And now you are convincing yourself he has to stay so you don't look like the bad guy

Will you listen to yourself as if you were your own best friend? What would you say to you ?

gingerbreadshoes Mon 25-Feb-13 21:55:14

I have managed to keep.myself together until I just read the latest posts and now I am sobbing my heart out on my own upstairs because I know what you are all saying is true but I just don't want it to be.

I have given him plenty of opportunities to say he would miss being with me as a person and he hasn't said it.

He has also at the last count told 5 people about his unhappiness but doesn't understand why this has upset me so much.

I don't really have anyone I can call a real friend in rl which makes me feel even worse, I haven't got anyone else to talk this through with as my mum must have so many splinters in her bum from sitting on the fence so much today.

I don't want him to stay because he feels sorry for me or because he doesn't think I will cope on my own all I want is someone who loves me for me like other people have.

AnyFucker Mon 25-Feb-13 22:00:03

I am so sorry, love. It is so hard to see it in black and white. You can't fool yourself for very long though, it is going to make you ill

he is going to make you ill.

No man is worth this. No single, solitary man ever put on this planet is worth this.

Think back to a time when you were free and single and thought you had the world at your feet. What happened to that woman ? Well, he did, and he will continue to chip away at your self confidence while you let him.

She is still in there !

Tbh, your mum is too close to the situation to be completely impartial. She doesn't want to be the one to advise you to end your marriage. No one does. But this isn't a marriage, is it ?

Charbon Mon 25-Feb-13 22:06:16

If you get out of this relationship it is extremely likely that you will make new friends. I can honestly assure you that I've met countless women who on exiting an abusive relationship realised how much an odious partner was putting people off making friends with them.

If your mum is of the type who thinks that relationships should be saved at all costs, she is not the best person to advise. If you were my daughter I would be encouraging you to see how much happier your life could be without this horrible man.

He's not staying put because he feels sorry for you. He's staying put because the OW is in a relationship that she won't leave and he's got nowhere else to go. If he cared even tuppence for you he wouldn't be throwing his weight around that he has rights as it's his house too. He would acknowledge that it's too painful and soul destoying to live with a partner who does not love you.

I assure you, if the OW would house him he would be gone and would be sending you solicitors' letters for his share of the house so that you would be homeless.

Xales Mon 25-Feb-13 22:07:12

You need to learn to be happy alone. To value yourself for your worth and not how you are treated by others.

It will not be easy and will hurt like hell however the sooner you start the process of separation and mourning for the end of this relationship, the sooner you start on the path to healing.

Eventually there will be someone else. Someone who treats you right. That won't happen while you are stuck in this mess though.

dilemmanc Mon 25-Feb-13 22:08:02

One person's love and trying will not fix a relationship if the other half has already left

This is what I'm telling myself about my relationship. He's left our relationship emotionally although he says he's holding on hoping things will turn around and end up good. he's doing nothing to make it better though. I also suspect that there is/has been someone else but I haven't been able to find a single thing that backs this up. Just a gut feeling. he says I have issues trusting men but the reality is that I have a problem trusting him because he's lying about something and keeping secrets but he's too damned good at covering his trail.

yellowbrickrd Mon 25-Feb-13 23:09:48

Did you do anything about Relate ginger? Doesn't have to be them of course, but someone professional that you could talk to could be a big help at this stage. It's also a good idea to see a solicitor and find out where you stand re the house and finances. Being practical in this way gives you more strength.

Btw, I reckon you do have someone who loves you for yourself and that's your ds.

gingerbreadshoes Mon 25-Feb-13 23:23:43

No he suggested counselling but as I read on another thread it doesn't mean he will be honest.

He is going to stay with his parents from tomorrow and he says he will tell the ow not to contact him again.

When I questioned the fact that he hasn't said he wants to stay for me he said he meant me when he said he didn't want to be alone. For me this is too vague and only given as an answer after the event because he knows now that is what I wanted to hear.

I have told him he is arogant for putting his own happiness and exciting texts above us but he doesn't see it that way.

I hope a break will do us both good and maybe I will realise I can do it on my own.

Charbon Tue 26-Feb-13 01:34:01

It's likely to be far more positive an experience than the ability to 'do it on your own'.

It's likely that it will be much easier and better doing it on your own. You said earlier that you have some mobility problems. Could the CAB advise on any additional help you could access as a single parent?

He's telling the truth about not wanting to be on his own fending for himself, but I suspect it's a lie about calling off the relationship with the OW. He probably hasn't seen her for dust after she dumped him for fear of her partner finding out.

Try to imagine what your new life could be like. No brooding silences, no fear about someone coming home and complaining about a few toys out of place, being able to invite your family round without fearing your partner's rudeness and hostility towards them, being able to meet new people and make new friends and only feeling responsible for your self and not someone else's behaviour towards them. Being able to meet trustworthy new men when BF is over and your son goes to stay with dad for the weekend. That's got to be better than this hasn't it?

yellowbrickrd Tue 26-Feb-13 14:41:39

Hope you are feeling ok today ginger. When I mentioned Relate/counselling I actually meant for you not him - someone in rl you can talk to about this without being judged or ignored. Good luck, I think you've come a long way in a week smile

I'm sorry you are going through this.
It's a good move that he is now not there. I think the break will do you both the world of good.
You will realise what a relief it is not to have him around.
You do everything anyway so think of that.
You will be better off without him there and you will see that quite soon.
There is someone out there who will love, cherish and respect you as you deserve!
Keep us posted - hope all is going well today with you and DC!

AgathaF Tue 26-Feb-13 16:08:09

What a horrible, cowardly man he is.

I hope he did actually go to his parents, and I hope you are coping ok.

You shouldn't have to be on the receiving end of his bad behaviour - not his emotional affair, nor his abusive behaviour prior to you knowing about the EA.

You son shouldn't have to grow up in a home where one of his parents ignores the other for kicks. He might not be aware of it now, but he definitely will as he gets older.

gingerbreadshoes Tue 26-Feb-13 18:56:16

He hasn't gone to his parents now as he went to theirs and they told him he had to sort this out by being at home so he is here.

He has told me that there is fault on both sides which I know and accept and he does want to work things out.

He has broken off contact with the ow and I have said that if she is socialising at the same time as us with mutual friend (hasn't happened before) that this would be too much for me.

In a way I am glad he is here because I want him to understand just how hurt I am by his behaviour.

In the meantime I am going to speak to cab because I do not want to be in a position of not knowing where I stand legally.

I know this isn't the outcome that you thought should happen but I want to be able to tell ds that I tried if it doesn't work out. This thread has helped me so much I know have far lower tolerance levels for his behaviour as I can see that it is not ok and I thank you all for that thanks

AgathaF Tue 26-Feb-13 19:06:37

This thread is about you and your situation. You have to do what's right for you and no-one else can tell you what that is.
I think speaking to cab is a good move though.

AnyFucker Tue 26-Feb-13 19:14:38

Good luck, and take care of yourself. You are worth taking good care of.

Charbon Tue 26-Feb-13 19:58:38

I don't like the sound of this 'there is fault on both sides' that you're accepting.

You didn't have an affair and subject him to the silent treatment until your nasty secret was out, did you?

You sound so passive about this. His parents won't have him, so he came home? He's there because he's got nowhere else to go.

Do get some legal advice and see your GP about some counselling for why you think this is all you're due in a relationship. I wish you luck and greater strength and confidence.

Xales Tue 26-Feb-13 20:26:01

This is so sad. That you are willing to settle for this. He has only come back because he was told to. Not because he wanted you. Deep down you know that sad

You want him to stay so he can see how much he hurt you? Have you already forgotten that he deliberately treated you to silence because he knew just how much it hurt you. He understands. He really does. He just doesn't care.

I hope you realise that being on your own is far better than being lonely in a relationship.

Good luck.

AnyFucker Tue 26-Feb-13 20:28:42

OP has made her choice, I think.

We will still be here whenever you need us

AnyFucker Tue 26-Feb-13 21:13:03

As always smile

gingerbreadshoes Tue 26-Feb-13 21:26:36

Thank you all for your comments and support. This is by no means over and forgotten and once I have heard my faults from him i believe that i in a better place to either deal with them or tell him to accept them or not.

I'm not going to put up with the silent treatment anymore and if any of his friends make remarks about our relationship I will.not put up with that either and he knows this.

I am grateful that there is support on here that I can access at any time. It may not seem as though I am being strong but I am because I know that once I have found out the legal side of things I will feel in control again rather than upset and in shock.

ApplyYourself Tue 26-Feb-13 23:38:33

You have to do what is right for you, not what you think is expected from you by a bunch of internet idiots smile

But do think very very carefully. I think if a man says that he does not love you and also acts like he doesn't love you and says he is only staying for his child... this is not the ideal foundation for you to build a future on. Because you will always feel insecure. He has not reassured you of his love for you and indeed has done the opposite - managed to get you to accept some blame for what are effectively his actions.

I'm really sorry but we will probably see you back here in a few months. And maybe then you can work up to getting rid of this idiot of a man who is ruining your self esteem with his pathetic and cowardly behaviour.

ApplyYourself Tue 26-Feb-13 23:40:43

PS For God sake don't let him give you a little list of YOUR faults! And i have just noticed that you say his parents wouldn't accept him at home. Try really really hard to develop some courage up and boot him out. He doesn't want you - his words and actions are screaming that at you.

You are worth more and i promise you, in time, you'll see this.

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