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Original poster

Struggling to deal with DH and OW

33 replies

Whatsthefuture · 10/03/2013 19:06

DH and I are going through divorce at he moment, we are still living in the same house. He wants to end the marriage. He started seeing the OW 5 months ago. I found out at Christmas when he said it was just a flirtation. They are still seeing each other. he says they aren't. But he keeps his phone close and he always makes sure he looks good when he goes out. So I'm convinced he's still seeing her and he's lying to me. We're getting divorced so why doesn't he come clean? It's tearing me apart. It's crazy because I no longer desire him and I no longer want to have a relationship with him. So why is this bothering me so much. Explanations and coping strategies would be very much appreciated.

OP posts:
AnAirOfHope · 10/03/2013 19:09

Move out, sell the house and use the money to rent your own place, put your name on council housing list and contact ha in your area.

You need not to live with him to help you cope.

nkf · 10/03/2013 19:10

Hi there. I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. I think there are probably loads of reasons why it is tearing you apart. It's horrible to be lied to. It's horrible not to know exactly what is going on regarding the end of your marriage. There is a weird intimacy about being in an ending relationship with a man who is in a relationship with someone else. That's what I found anyway. It will pass. It really will. And it's worse for them. It really is. Because they are the liars and the cheats and however much they dress up their relationship, they can't really admit its true beginnings. The reason he can't come clean is because it's dirty.

Original poster
Whatsthefuture · 10/03/2013 19:17

nkf you are so right and your message is reassuring in a weird way. It was my little DS birthday party today. My friends commented to me that he was looking awful. So perhaps his guilt is taking its toll. What a shit. We've been married for 18 years and this woman has broken up a previous marriage. I just can't understand why he's getting mixed up with a woman like that. It's so insulting.

I can't move out. I have no money and no family. The house isn't in my name.

OP posts:
Bossybritches22 · 10/03/2013 19:21

Why is he still in the house? Could he not get digs until the divorce comes through?

Such a strain for you.

AnAirOfHope · 10/03/2013 19:21

Do you have children?

littleblackno · 10/03/2013 19:24

I would assume he's going to move out soon.
That aside it's bound to bother you. No matter what your relationship or feeling for him are now, him being there is still a reminder of how things have turned out and the fact that you think he's still seeing the other woman is a reminder of why it didn't work out. Is it possible that him denying it is his way of trying to protect your feelings?
my exh and I had to live together for months after splittng up, we both tried to spend as much time as possible out or just not together - which was hard. Until one of you does go it's like being in limbo and you can't really come to terms with it all or move on.

I would just make sure you agree asap on what the living arrangements are. Accept he's going to deny that he's seeing OW (not worth arguing about). Spend time with friends if you can. If you have kids then make sure he has to stay in to look after them (you may as well make use of him while he's there).
Take care of yourself. I think you'll find it'll all hit you when he does finally go.

AnAirOfHope · 10/03/2013 19:25

You have money for a divorce but not to move out?

littleblackno · 10/03/2013 19:27

sorry realised my last bit sounded really negative, just that it all hit me but then i was able to put it all into perspective and deal with it properly once he'd moved out.
The fact that the house isn't in your name shouldn't matter if you have a child. Hope you are getting proper legal advice.

Original poster
Whatsthefuture · 10/03/2013 19:33

If I move out I lose the right to keep the house and he is paying the divorce fees. We have 4 children.
littleblackno I really hope that when he moves out I'll breathe a sigh of relief. I can't take any more 'hits'
We've just started alternating weekends. I stay with friends, he stays at his mother's house. I must say I'm happier when he's not around and I don't think about what he's up to much.
I do feel very lonely even tho I have lots of lovely, supportive friends and my DC are great.

My problem is, I've never been single since I was 18! I think that's why I feel so alone.It's all so new to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatsthefuture · 10/03/2013 19:39

One thing I didn't mention. A male friend of mine offered me some ahem.. physical help. Should I go for it? or will that make me feel worse?

OP posts:
Bossybritches22 · 10/03/2013 19:40

Is the house mortgaged or rented?

YOU should be able to stay in the marital home, HE should be the one to move out.

littleblackno · 10/03/2013 19:44

Oh, thats a tough one! Depends how good a friend he is? I had a 'fling' when i 1st split with ex but not with a friend. Made me feel really good. It didn't last and i'm seeing someone else now. But for my confidence it did wonders at the time.
It will always change a friendship though so you need to think about how you feel about that. Could be fun though and a distraction if nothing else!

Original poster
Whatsthefuture · 10/03/2013 20:16

I will have to think seriously about that one. if it made you feel good then perhaps it's what I need to regain my self esteem. I also think that perhaps I should be single for once in my life and get to know me.
Eitherway, I still want to smash the nearest object over my DH head when I'm forced to be in a room with him, like PTA meetings for example. I cannot look at him either. I avoid eye contact and I keep my back turned if I can. if I look at him or even have to talk to him I just have this uncontrollable urge ....

OP posts:
littleblackno · 10/03/2013 20:32

Can you take up a sport? I found running (aka fast walking) got rid of alot of my energy and frustration (I was often found crying in the local park too).
Being single is probably a really good idea. Doesn't mean you can't have your 'needs' met. Just make sure its on your terms if you know what i mean. Not to encourage secrets but you don't HAVE to let anyone know. Only a few of my close friends knew about the guy i was sleeping with. I knew it wasn't going to be anything else, he didn't meet the kids, made it easier when i decided that he's served his purpose. BTW - He was well aware of this too and we both knew it was just some fun.

clam · 10/03/2013 20:34

Offered you "physical help" on what terms? Is he looking for a quick shag and thinks you might be up for it? To be honest, I'd let it pass, as I reckon your self-esteem might not be up to the risk of taking a possible battering. But then, I don't know him, so may be wrong.

cjel · 10/03/2013 20:53

I wouldn't go for the fling, Its been a year since me and DH split and I've not had 'afling'!! I got to the lonliness and beyond but now feel good about myself. For me a fling wouldn't make me feel better. Only more lonely as with 4 dcs you couldn't replace dh and you would notice the empty space more.

Ginebra · 10/03/2013 20:58

I wouldn't go for the fling either. You need to remind yourself that you don't need a man's approval or attentions. I think if the fling went pear-shaped when you were still dealing with the divorce it would be double rejection, double confusion.

I'm not surprised your husand's lies upset you. It's just so humiliating to be lied to, that he thinks you believe his lies, that he has so little respect for you, that he thinks he can just coast through life, making awkward situations less problematic with a few more lies... I'm cross on your behalf now after typing that!

Ginebra · 10/03/2013 21:03

cjel, I think you are very astute there realising that even a healthy fling could just make you feel the absence of a husband in your family. I had first real fling four years after leaving my x, and to be honest, although he was lovely, it actually made me realise how impossibly hard it would be to incorporate somebody else in to my life. I found myself missing him when I was doing daytime things with the kids, and I realised that what I wanted was a happy family. YES he was a very nice man and it did boost my self esteem and I've no regrets at all but that person who can slot right into your life easily is going to be a rare bird indeed, and that man was not that rare bird for me. We parted on good terms, but I think that a compulsion to get out there and 'fix' your singleness brings a lot of women extra hassle when they can least afford the time and energy to be dealihg with it.

Original poster
Whatsthefuture · 10/03/2013 21:27

Lol Ginebra thank you. littleblacknoGrin and I'm getting into yoga.

You are all right. I think I should wait until the divorce is over and things have calmed down a bit. I'm told it takes about 2 years to feel 'normal ' again.

All I want is a happy family and it makes my blood boil that he threw it away for this serial homewrecker. Another man in the mix will be so tricky and the family chemistry will never be there again.

Now. Do you think I should hire a private investigator (depending on cost) or am I just prolonging my pain? I do really want to know what's going on.

OP posts:
cjel · 10/03/2013 21:32

Mine kept things from me to 'protect me' from more hurt!!! If its over anyway, forget what hes doing and start sorting out what you want from your life and go for that. What he does is a waste of your energy. What you do is where your focus must be.xx

Ginebra · 10/03/2013 21:56

I don't know. The not knowing can drive you crazy. Finding out can be like a ton of salt in a wound that had begun to heal... but then, once you do finally know the actual truth, you see things clearly in an instant. It might be like a punch in the gut though. But the upside would be that you could fast forward through 6 of those 24 months that it takes to feel normal. You literally skip through denial. I don't know though!!

nkf · 11/03/2013 06:28

My advice would be to spend any money you have on ensuring your children's future welfare. I think you need legal advice. The fling? To my mind, that is is so irrelevant compared with sorting out where you and your children will be living. Do you have the headspace for it? Also, if I had a male friend, I'd keep him. There is also something (but I appreciate this may be my issues) to my mind, a bit yucky about male friend making a move when you are feeling vulnerable. Good luck.

Original poster
Whatsthefuture · 11/03/2013 08:17

You're right about the male friend. I must admit when he did offer his services my first reaction was to feel alarmed. that's why I've done nothing about it. I could have given him the wrong messages without knowing.
I'm going to find out about the PI. My head is full of thoughts of DH and OW. I need answers otherwise I can't y move on. I don't like living with lies.

OP posts:
G1nebra · 11/03/2013 17:31

I doubt you were giving him come on messages by mistake. he was chancing his arm, at best, and was preying on your vulnerability at worst.

G1nebra · 11/03/2013 17:32

I doubt you were giving him come on messages by mistake. he was chancing his arm, at best, and was preying on your vulnerability at worst.