Struggling to deal with DH and OW

[Whatsthefuture]

DH and I are going through divorce at he moment, we are still living in the same house. He wants to end the marriage. He started seeing the OW 5 months ago. I found out at Christmas when he said it was just a flirtation. They are still seeing each other. he says they aren't. But he keeps his phone close and he always makes sure he looks good when he goes out. So I'm convinced he's still seeing her and he's lying to me. We're getting divorced so why doesn't he come clean? It's tearing me apart. It's crazy because I no longer desire him and I no longer want to have a relationship with him. So why is this bothering me so much. Explanations and coping strategies would be very much appreciated.

Just found out through snooping that DH took OW to a gorgeous hotel for a weekend break. when I asked him about it he laughed and said I was mad and deluded. I lied and told him that I had hired a PI at great expense and had all the evidence. that shut him up. so now I know and it does feel better to know. No more snooping, no more fags and no more too many glasses of wine for me.

why is he lying to me? What's the point. I told him to move out of the house and move in with her. I really don't want him around, he's a dead weight. it's stressful for me and the DC's living with a liar. The divorce could take a year with all the things he wants to fight about. he won't leave and I am stuck with this hell.

I can hear him downstairs laughing about something on TV. it makes me feel homicidal. I would leave if I could.

Why is he lying? Does it matter? Believe me, there will come a time when you are so happy not to have to worry about his lies. He will say something and you will think, "Oh there goes that lying liar, lying again."

Go and see a lawyer. Just do it. I don't know why you need to be stuck with the hell. Go out. I used to go out a lot when I was going through the break up.

You've given yourself the name, Whatsthefuture. Start planning it now. And if he is argumentative, better paid and a liar, you need a lawyer.

He is lying to you so that he can end the marriage without being The Bad Guy.

He wants to end the marriage but in a way that is blameless. It is uncomfortable and awkward to be judged. Much easier to retain as much moral highground as possible.

that's so true ShrOedinger He has had that hangdog look about him and all his friends and family think I'm the bad guy. I spoke to a friend of his the other day because I was desperate and needed his input.. His friend got really angry with me and told ME I was the one who was lying about DH's affair. I was stunned. How many other people has he managed to so convincingly fool! This is such a learning curve for me at how much deceiving partners can spread their web of lies.

he's wound me up so much. I tend to be the one who reacts and then he'll tell his lawyer and his friends. He retains the moral high ground.

what can I do about it I feel as though I'm on eggshells.

do you think it's a power and control thing? Now I know he is definitely still seeing her, has the power shifted or has it dissolved?

I am now going to do something I never do and that is write in capital letters.

YOU GET A LAWYER AND YOU DEAL WITH THE DIVORCE IN A BUSINESSLIKE WAY. BECAUSE HE HAS A LAWYER AND HE WILL FUCK YOU AND YOUR KIDS OVER UNLESS YOU SPEAK TO A LAWYER AND GET PROPER LEGAL REPRESENTATION.

There. The other woman and his friends are no longer part of your life.

Please don't waste any time on OW or what DH is doing. Please make sure you put ALL your effort to doing things to secure your new future. Please doing your crying away from him. Get all professional advice you can and don't talk to any of his friends and family about him. You will start to look desperate if you keep on about him. Find someone you can confide in to unload all you need (maybe here?) and leave it there. PLEASE PLEASE no more of your time wasted on 'their' life. Get on with yours.xxx

I saw a guy for a while and his xw did this. She had an affair but she woudln't just admit it. He found so much proof! and if fact years later he found another bit of proof, but the whole 'script' of their breakup was his jealousy and his paranoia. She really came out of the divorce well. He couldn't understand why she lied so much. But she had (outwardly) dignity and support, and nobody judged her or questioned her or blamed her for that thing that all women feel guilty about - breaking up a family. NOT my place to tell him that but I gave him my views anyway!!!!!

But, as the previous two PPs say, don't concern yourself with what his script is. The truth has a way of coming out. But in the meantime, long before people who matter realise, and they will, you need to LAWYER UP.

i find that these people begin to believe their own lies so completely that they forget exactly, they actually do genuinely forget which bit is a lie and which bit is a truth because they spend so much time remodelling the truth in their own heads, and then they re-tell it with a great spin... but they catch themselves out at some poinntn. but don't worry about THAT. do not worry about what other people, particularly his friends, might think when you need legal advice and representation.

wow what good advice. dignity, yes. Up to now I admit I've been very emotional and confrontational with STBXH. Now that I know for sure he's been seeing this woman I actually feel so much better. All the doubt and mind games have gone. I feel I can move on now.

Hes told so many lies about me to our friends as well and that makes me furious. I wasn't the one who broke up the marriage or behaved badly in any way. he just sees the grass as being greener and is using his dissatisfaction with me as his excuse to leave. perhaps this woman is his get out. I would honestly be fine if he hooked up with someone else. this woman has a record of being a gold digger and marriage breaker.

I will try to have dignity around him at home. but I can't help telling him to fuck off and leave us alone.

I have a lawyer and we're getting ready to have our first round of 'round table' meetings. This I am dreading.