Marriage in trouble

[Bendytoes]

I've been married for 17yrs, i turned 40 last year, husband is 43. We have a teen who is 14.
I've felt that my husband hasn't been right for about 6 months, not touching me or showing affection and he's had some problems with his erections (soft or non-existent).
I spoke to him a few weeks ago to explain how I felt and he said he felt like we were just friend and that we didn't do anything together anymore.
He said I wasn't making an effort anymore as I like to wear lounge clothing in the evening, also that we needed to be spontaneous and he said that 99% of the time our sex life was the same.
I went out the following day and bought some evening clothing to show my figure off, I also tried to be spontaneous when our daughter was out and he said I was pressuring him.
I have left it to him to come to me for sex as I don't want to be ejected again and he's not touched me.
I spoke to him again the other night and he said it had only been 3 weeks and things didn't change that quickly!
I told him he should go to the doctors and reluctantly has agreed, he's going tomorrow.
He said that he's felt things haven't been right for over a year but had not said anything and the he wouldn't have done if I hadn't raised it!
I have suggested date night, but he said its too planned, I've suggested marriage counselling and he says he doesn't want to pay for someone to tell us what we already know (not sure what that is yet).
I asked him about the things we did together and he said that he only did them because its what I wanted and he doesn't want to fake it now. Clearly he loved me enough to make an effort before, now he obviously doesn't. I feel like he has given up and is not willing to try anything.
I've asked to go to the doctors with him but he says no and I'm worried he won't tell the doctor the full story.
I can't live like this, we have a house and my parents own half and live in an annex next door so I can't sell it as they'll have nowhere to go. Not sure where to go next with all this.

Tricky one - my only advice really is to talk about his habit of lying and how secrets are really damaging to a relationship. Then look at ways of being more transparent e,g no passwords, access to phone/laptop etc and improving communication.

So.... We went for our relate meeting. I explained how I felt about him keeping things from me and that there had been a number of things over the years that he had only admitted to when I pushed him into a corner. I said that a year of feeling things had changed was an age and he should have told me.
He said the the councillor that I should let the past go and move on! That my issues with the past were not relevant!
Then on the way home he admitted that he had debt on his credit card..again and kept it from me, because its his card and he pays it.
I have stewed all night and today at work getting more and more pissed off.
He came home from work tonight like nothing had happened and apologised. I have tried to make him see things from my point of view but he thinks I'm not moving on and not willing to try to sort things out, even though I have initiated all of these talks and counselling.
I feel sick with all this, even my daughter is asks questions today and I'm not sure what to say, aargh.

You are in a no win situation he will do everything to turn things round so that its your fault.

These issues keep recurring so can't be kept in the past and it sounds like he isn't prepared to change.

^He came home from work tonight like nothing had happened and apologised. I have tried to make him see things from my point of view but he thinks I'm not moving on and not willing to try to sort things out, even though I have initiated all of these talks and counselling.
I feel sick with all this, even my daughter is asks questions today and I'm not sure what to say, aargh^

He's the one who has fucked up. He doesn't get to dictate the pace at which you 'move on' or even if you want to move on. He is way too cocky. Tell him he needs to start with taking responsibility, stop trying to manipulate and disrespect your intelligence and you will think about it and take it from there....do you still want to be with him after this impatient/half-arsed performance?

I agree a cant leave things in the past if he keeps fucking up! But he doesn't see it.
I don't know how I feel to be honest, we have such a shared history and some truly wonderful years. At the moment I feel being on my own may be better for my head.

Sadly he is a deceiver and is stuck in that pattern. People who get into debt can be very devious and they also worry about getting caught and the reaction that their partner will have.

When I met my XH he had just taken out a £15K loan in his mothers name to clear his debts , with her knowledge and permission. He then ran up debt on his card again. In six months he ran up over £2K. I then put that onto a 0% credit card in my name to help him out, then he ran up another £2K in the next couple of months..... He could not help himself. We nearly split up over it because he had deceived me. He then deceived me again after ten years over contact with OW.

I divorced my XH asap after he walked out as I just had a feeling that he would get into debt once he was away from me. I have been proved right as he built up £20K of debt in less than a year........

My XH would never discuss things with me as he did not want to upset me. Bizarrely it seems it is better to suddenly end the marriage than to have a sensible coversation about stuff.

I suppose the long winded point that I am trying to make is, if he is that way with money, then he will never change. He will feel guilty for letting you down, then will turn against you rather than have to face your disappointment.

The whole point of counselling is so that you can discuss things to be able to put them in the past..... it sounds like he doesnt actually want to face up to anything and like my XH would rather walk away.

Maybe you should ask him to move out to give you the time to work out what you actually want to do yourself

It seems that he has been spending his money on himself (from what I can tell) he still doesn't see how his debt effects us as a family! I've told him I need to think about what I want and that he has a very serious problem, again I don't think he can see it.
He still says he will try to be different, but I've told him I don't think he can be after 20years of the same behaviour. He hasn't told me how he is going to pay this money back/cut back on things.
Our Easter holiday is now ruined as he was meant to be saving the spending money, clearly he has spent that on other things.
He said he is still the man I fell in love with, but after finding out he feels differently about me and being in debt again I told him I really don't like him anymore.

I told H tonight I thought we should separate and that he should move out. He said fine and called our 14yr old in to tell her.
He then insisted we tell my parents we went next door and told them, he cried and told them he wanted to try, cut up his cards and accused me of being a hard nosed bitch. I said its only because I'm not letting it go this time.
He laid it on, guilt trip and all by saying if I go I'll have nowhere to live, hardly see his daughter and would have nothing to live for! My parents have taken his side offering to bale him out, I am furious!
I feel bullied by all of them, I'm seething and he's still here. He says he'll see a councillor, then tells me he's been and spent £100 today on his tattoo. I said he should have cancelled it, he said he's budgeted for it! Just amazing!

Oh flaming Nora.

No Advice sorry but a hand and an assurance someone is listening.

Yes I'm listening too. He sounds like a right man child and you sound rightly very pd off with him!

This is a manipulative, deceitful man.

You are being bullied by everyone to roll over and not press ahead with what you want to do.

Don't give into it.

Stick to your guns. If he doesn't see his daughter that will be his fault, not yours.

OP ive only just seen this thread and i am seething at his manipulation and emotional abuse. And your parents siding with him.
because you are the one that should put up and shut up if you happen to wear a bra. My parents are the same. I had an affair after 7 yrs of no sex or affection from DH.
I made the incredibly stupid mistake of confiding in my mum (DH didnt know i told her and still doesnt. this was ten years ago.) and she began crying and told me i was acting like a whore then started screaming and waving her hands about and crawling on the floor begging me not to leave him because of what other people might think.
I didnt end things with OM because of it It ended for different reasons but even now ten years later i have a lot of resentment towards my mum because the neighbours and other people were more important than me having happiness in my life.

She also tried to gaslight saying that dh didnt want sex or affection with me because of my affair.
But my affair happened AFTER 7 yrs of no affection not before.
And ive seen other posts on here where the parents of women side with the son in law. If i were you id be asking yr parents why they are acting like your in laws instead of your parents.
Our mysogynistic society in action!

And your parents have offered to bail him out? WTF is the matter with them FFS.

I hope his bullying tactics had cemented your decision to separate. Ugh - who wants to stay with a man like this??

What kind of father would do that to his daughter?

Sorry about your parents.

His actions continue to damage you so the sooner he's gone the better. Once he has left, make sure that you only have contact relating to child access. Ignore any other contact.

*have

I told him I feel bullied an have told my parent under no circumstances are they to pay it off for him.
He says this ad made him realise that he does want to be with me and he will change. I'm not so sure, I'm left with a husband that loves me as a friend and hides debt and other things from me.
He told be this morning he couldn't afford to move out and clearly feels that he should be entitled to half of my parents share of our house, even though they are still alive! Not sure my mum and dad would be so sympathetic if they knew he would have them homeless to ensure he gets his money. He says he didn't mean it like that but says my parents did give 'us' the money. Greedy fuck!
Conversation is stilted and uncomfortable, he keeps asking me his I feel like my feelings will change.
I said I think he only wants things to work so he's not Got to cope on his own, he denies this.
Grrrrr......it's all horrible! I want a husband that I can trust and that wants me as a wife, sexually too.

Stick to your guns. Do not be manipulated.

He's an adult who can look after himself. He's only staying because he sees it as a soft landing and launchpad to be selfish on your time, using your money.

Ask him to go.

regarding the house - legally who owns it? If your parents own half of it, then he can only claim half of your half, it all depends on what the deeds say and how the house is owned on paper as to what he can claim on. If the deeds dont have your parents name on, then they need legal advice and fast.

and if he has realised that he does want to be with you, then why is he saying that he cant afford to move out? he is obviously staying with you because he cant afford to move out.

Have some self respect and kick him out. Let him make his decisions , while you make yours

Bendy you deserve more You really do. Hes saying hes changed or will change 24 hours after spending 100 pounds on a tattoo Purleeeeaase.

What a huge fucking user. And if your parents want to build resentment between you and them they are going the right way about it.

Maybe you ought to record him saying things like "well they did give "us" the money" on your phone and then play it back to your parents.
Then watch then backtrack when they realise that it may actually affect them.
Belive me people of a certain generation tend to lose the "what will the neighbours think" mentality when they realise that it may affect THEIR finances or THEIR home!

Me and H legally own the house, my parents had to gift us the money to ensure they didn't pay death tax. If the house is to be sold they have to agree to it.
I will certainly be telling my parents what he said too.
He doesn't want to move back to his parent and is clearly not prepared to leave if he thinks he will miss out on money.
Relate rang today with the date for our next meeting and it's in 3 weeks! We may not make that meeting

Bendy he is being financially and emotionally abusive. And your parents are being emotionally abusive too.

Even now ten years later i still resent my DM for being so unsupportive. You have told your parents not to bail him out but as they have already taken his side against you emotionally (after all hes the important one because hes the one with a dick) do you think its likely that they might bail him out behind your back.

I don't think they will, I've poked to my mum this morning and told her what H said about their money, they are definitely on my side. I think it was the shock more than anything.
I agree H is being manipulative and using our situation to make me feel guilty. I want to be civil of our teens sake but it's hard.

Glad to hear your parents have finally come to their senses. i thought they would.
As hes being financially abusive have you thought about getting some advice from Womens Aid.

H is moving out, we talked again this morning and I told him it isn't going to work. He apologised for everything and is moving out in a few days to his mums. We've agreed I will buy him out, we've told our daughter and parents.
I'm really scared about taking on all the financial responsibility and know its going to be tough so now need to find out whether I can get any help and also what maintenance H will pay.
Thanks for all your support and feedback it's helped to keep me focused and strong!

Bravo! Well done for standing firm OP and sticking to what you wanted to happen, despite the resistance from all quarters. You are very brave and strong, even though it might feel scary just now.