Difficult relationship with Facebook

[BettyBlueBlue]

I find my relationship with Facebook really dysfunctional. Well, many might say, it's not Facebook, it's the people in it. But to be honest, except for a couple of people, most of the people I befriended on Facebook are either real friends, good friends or people that I quite like.

However, on Facebook, I find everybody just too much. I don't post much, neither do I upload lots of photos on it, as I just don't feel comfortable with the way the site operates. I hate the attention seeking, the competitiveness it encourages in terms of how many people like your posts or your photos. I find people/friends really narcissistic, vane and hypocritical on it. I've seen it all so far.

I know I shouldn't take it so seriously but I feel it's really affected the way I perceive people and I interact with people. I find the relationships there really dysfunctional. For example, a good friend who is all sweet and nice to someone that she used to criticise a lot. Another example, friends rarely wish me happy birthday on it, whereas they do to people they hardly know. People generally don't reply to my comments. People expect you to find out about their lives via Facebook rather than other channels like e-mails, or phone.

Before Facebook, my friendships seemed to less complicated and more straight forward. Now I see so many sides of people, which I wasn't aware of before. It's all a bit schizophrenic, if you ask me.

Anybody has felt or feels that way about it? Shall I delete my account for ever?

Is someone forcing you to have a Facebook account?

Why are you on it?

No, nobody is forcing me. I'm only there because a lot friends/acquaintances are there and, as everyone seems to have moved to that site for keeping in touch these days, I wouldn't want to be completely out of it. I don't have many other reasons for it. I'm not interested in posting stuff and I'm generally a very private person.

Delete
It's all the things you describe and more. Very attention seeking and stealth me me me ing.
Photos to thank people for things ( just boasts )
Vile links about click this if you love children etc etc

I can't be doing with it anymore.

I'm deactivated and feel much better for it. I just can't be arsed with the politics and white noise. I keep in touch with those who I want in the ways I used to before Facebook came along and feel much better for it. I'll probably join again this year though for an horror so to grab some photos before permanently deleting (which I gather is a faff and a half).

There's been so much grief and misunderstanding that's been facilitated by Facebook (boy oh boy do you see that here) and I'm glad I'm out of it.

I think I understand how you are feeling. By coming off it, will you feel like you'll miss out on something important?

If you came off, would friends make any effort to stay in touch?

This was my worry but I came off temporarily last summer and it was a good move. I de-cluttered my friends list and returned after about 6 weeks and don't go on as much now. Those that stopped in touch with me during that time, I value more.

I like the groups I'm on rather than status updates; i'm a peer supporter so I'm an admin person on a local support group and then my sports team group is good for banter too. Everything else I read I take with a pinch of salt and try not to get bothered by it ignore my very recent thread about my friends wedding

Maybe people don't bother interacting with you on Facebook because you're not much of a presence on it? I don't write happy birthday to someone who I know never uses it much (I might text or whatever), but if someone I know is a very active Facebooker, and I see that helpful reminder on my news feed that it is their birthday, then I might say wish them happy birthday, even if it is a distant/old friend.

When the phone came along, people probably moaned that no one writes letters any more. When email came along, people probably moaned that no-one phones up for a nice chat any more. When texts took off, people probably resented having written digital communication shorter than email. Facebook is just another evolution in communication, and the picture facility, mass communication etc is probably more appealing to a lot of people.

I'm not a prolific user of Facebook, I don't take it too seriously, but I like to look at it, get to catch up with people I would otherwise have lost touch with completely (school friends etc... we don't see each other any more, but it's nice to know who is married, who has a kid...). I like to look at people's photos. It's good for sharing photos from joint holidays, weddings, other social gatherings.

And I have closer friends who I text, email, phone, go out for dinner with... yet we still communicate on Facebook as well. I think it has become a bit of a default method of contacting people but I can see why, it's very user friendly.

It's not without it's issues, the fact that it is virtually impossible to completely delete your profile is a worry, as is the opaque privacy policy and constant changes to it, but that's the risk you take.

It's not compulsory to use Facebook, so anyone who doesn't like it can just not log in, I don't see the big deal. I think it's more a problem with your friends than a problem with Facebook. It can't be blamed for all social ills. People who were self obsessed and put little effort into friendships still existed before Facebook, it was just more difficult to broadcast it to the world.

I think you should deactivate for a little while and see how you feel.

Thanks all for your comments so far. Good to hear your opinions. I've noticed that stuff that people have said or done/not done on Facebook has bothered me. I think I'm reaching a point when I need to get out of it.

Thing is, I fear a lot of people will interpret my leaving it as I "blocked" or deleted them as friends. Ahh, f*ing FB, really. The more I think about it, the more I can't believe it can give so much unnecessary grief.

Thing is, if someone is annoying you, just block them. If you don't use it a lot they probably won't notice, job done! Nothing to lose by deactivating, you can always come back if you want to.

Just do a little update saying that you are coming off for a while and if anyone wishes to stay in touch here's your contact details, leave the update up for 24 hour, then deactivate.

Thanks, Heyannie.

I can totally see your point. But I think one of the main differences between the phone, for example, and Facebook, is that when you talk on the phone to one person, you're not listening to her conversations with her one hundred friends or so on other lines. Whereas on Facebook, it's like listening or watching what people say to other people that I find dysfunctional.

I have a friend, who I like very much, but she's been very critical of many people we know in common. When I see her being all sweet and friendly to them, I really didn't know what to make of it. Whereas if she had done so in private, I'd have never known. Sometimes that level of privacy is necessary.

Unlike other ways of communication, FB doesn't allow for privacy and intimacy in the exchanges. Something crucial is missing whereas other elements, like the narcissism, the self centreness, the vanity are brought to the foreground.

Ive never been on facebook. Never felt the need!

All I know about it is from what other people have told me.

Thats people go on there to say "Today I baked a cake" etc. And put pictures of their children on there. And publically fall out with their nearest and dearest with every word detailed on there, for ever. I believe its a popular form of communication for people who appear on the Jez Kyle show.

Scary.

Thanks, FadBook. I'll keep that in mind. A part of me just wants to delete and be over with asap.

Yea I totally see what you're saying. I use private messages on Facebook more than the public ones, and I totally agree that it is a feast for narcissists. But sometimes they can be entertaining.

I like Facebook because I am inherently nosy (and because I can stalk the boy I wish I was married to), but I can see how it has little appeal for people who are more mature than me!

I believe its a popular form of communication for people who appear on the Jez Kyle show

That's a brilliant way of describing it. Owl. I hadn't thought of that one :)

I was dragged by it without really knowing what it was going to be like. Now I think I know.

I deleted my account. I didn't post and found other people posts a bit dull/boasty/irritating so I kept blocking people streams ---- which, sort of, misses the whole point of Facebook.

I occasionally miss having a nose around but I can't say I miss it. All my real friends keep in touch.

Before i deleted my account I put a post up to tell everyone I was deleting my account for security reasons so people didn't think I was defriending them.

Being on MN (which I probably look at more than Facebook, even though I don't have kids ), I have to say FB does appear to get a whole lot more irritating when people with kids are involved! Very few people on my friends list are parents, so most status updates and photos I see are generally funny ones of silly antics, or a wedding, or an old school photo... things that I want to see, rather than people droning on about their humdrum lives and how great their kids are.

I got a status update from a friend that said "if you can read this you made the cull" She had a massive clear out of all the people who weren't really her friends and was much happier. Not sure if that is helpful. I use it to keep in touch with friends and family from home but get sucked into the lives of others.
I avoid Facebook when I'm down though, seeing people's supposedly perfect lives does my nut.

I totally understand where you're coming from, OP. You should jut deactivate - if you decide later on that you want to go back to it, you'll be able to quite easily. As for worrying what people will think...most people probably won't notice if you don't use it that much anyway, and those that do are probably the people who will want to/will already keep in touch with you via other methods.

I've deactivated my account before, and people always understand when I say I hate it when they ask why I'm not on there any more. I had to reactivate it because we do a lot of group work on there at uni and we get marked on what we contribute to project groups on there So I have to keep it for now. I can feel myself getting more and more sucked into it, and like you, noticing all these horrible bits of themselves people display on there. Getting rid is so much better for me and my state of mind I feel, and I think it's kinda sad that a website has such an effect on me but it does

TBH that sounds like Facebook all over (from what Ive heard).

Underlying nastiness.

And if their lives were so perfect Bonners they wouldnt feel the need to talk about it on FB. Youve got to ask yourself why they would do that?

Heyannie, wait until your friends have kids. You'll be bombarded with baby photos, from the three month scan onwards. Plus. of course, minute details of their super interesting baby lives :)

You see, when I had my baby, I couldn't bring myself to do all that stuff. I know it'd be torture to many people, and to myself to do it. However, I had to put up with all the narcissists publishing every burp and fart their babies did.

Bonners, you bring me to another point, we all know people's lives are far from perfect. I don't understand why people have to play such silly little games. I know someone who's on the brink of divorce, however, by looking at his FB pages, you'd say the guy's got the perfect marriage and child.

I had an account for a while, I understand what you mean. I used to find out all sorts of things that really would have been better coming from a phone all. Some people live their whole lives through it. I don't care if you've just "hAd the most amazing bath now going to have a lovely meal cooked by my wonderful husband. Love my family to bits" . Or "omg it's snowing" . No shit Sherlock, I have a window.

Anyway I deactivated last week for other reasons and its the best thing I've done.

i'm not on fb, as far as i'm concered everyone i care anout or am interested in, is already in my life, i have no wish to see someone who i knew from 15-20 years ago boasting about their life on fakebook

ive seen it when friends have said, ohyou see what so and so from school looks like now etc.

and it seems full of fake friends, idiots boasting
and i'm glad i'm not a part of it

Thanks, onthemetro. Good to hear from people who see the other side of FB too. When you start to be annoyed or affected in a negative way by it, you know it's time to go.