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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How can I leave if he owns our house?

31 replies

whymeagain · 09/03/2013 10:25

Sorry if this comes out jumbled as I am very upset. Brief history, been together 14 years, DP has owned a house for last 8 years by himself (he said he wasn't ready to move in with me when he bought it). I moved in when I found out I was pregnant 4 years ago and discovered he had been cheating on me. Stupidly I realise now I stayed and tried to work things out. 4 years on I am pregnant with our 2nd (planned). I just discovered he has a secret twitter account. There is reference to me and DD on there, and the odd picture of me and lots of DD. But there is also pictures of him posing with descriptions he has written like sexy and fit. He has a lot of women followers. Why does he feel the need to do this?? I would never set up an account of myself posing, it's horrible. Something like teenages do (we are in our 30s). I am so angry I just cannot cope with this and a difficult pregnancy. I want to leave as I just cannot trust him but he owns the house. I have no family or friends who have any room for me and DD (apart from a sofa which I cannot sleep on as I have very bad SPD) I have no money except a credit card and an account with an overdraft, these combined give me access to about £5,000 that I could borrow. But how would I find somewhere else to live without a job? How would I pay the credit card back if I used that? Who is going to rent to a pregnant jobless women? I'm so upset and confused.

OP posts:
Original poster
whymeagain · 09/03/2013 10:42

bump

OP posts:
mowzer · 09/03/2013 10:53

Don't want to leave you unanswered... How about going to the Citizens' Advice Bureau, they will know what is available locally and how to find housing. It will be possible to leave somehow xx

CatsCantFlyFast · 09/03/2013 10:59

I'm sorry OP but unless there are other circumstances not mentioned I think you are overreacting. I'm not sure it's a 'secret' twitter account just because you didn't know about it, and the fact there are references to you on there would/should put your mind at rest IMO. Have you talked to him about it?

CatsCantFlyFast · 09/03/2013 11:06

Sorry posted too soon. I appreciate that doesn't help with your actual issue (and is only my opinion based on not knowing all facts so apologies if I'm totally wrong). Can you find out which benefits you are entitled to? Citizens advice. Any family who could help? Good luck whatever you do

Original poster
whymeagain · 09/03/2013 11:16

Maybe I am over re-acting. It is just when he cheated 4 years ago I found out as I discovered he had a facebook account which he used to message some women, he only admitted to cheating with the one where it was obvious but I will never know if there was more than one. We discussed the issues that led to the cheating (I was sexually abused which makes me not enjoy sex so only do it about once a year when we are on holiday, he did not know about the abuse so thought I rejected him all the time). We have been working on this and I thought we had something worth saving, but this twitter account has just opended up all the old wounds. Why does he need to get attention on twitter? (probably because I do not give him much??)

OP posts:
izzyizin · 09/03/2013 11:41

It seems you've answered some of your questions but, as dtd is an annual event for you, I'm curious as to how you've managed to get pg twice in the last 4 years. Do you use an ovulation calculator?

In the 14 years you've been with your dp, have you given any thought to sourcing counselling which may help you overcome your reluctance to give him the physical attention which is enjoyed in healthy relationships?

howtousemypotential · 09/03/2013 11:47

I came off the pill because it did not seem worth being on it, and first time we had sex in nearly 2 years I got pregnant with DC1! That first time was not planned. This time we planned DC2 and had sex 3 times in the first week we tried, nothing since, and became pregnant straight away. I was very shocked too, so was my DP!! When I do have sex I do enjoy it, it is just the thought of doing it that turns me off. I seem to clam up thinking about it. I feel like it has ruined our whole relationship I should have just been honest about the abuse when we met.

howtousemypotential · 09/03/2013 11:49

I guess it is me that has not messed up the relationship and not his cheating. I guess sex about once a year left him feeling fed up. The thing is he never told me he was fed up. Everything just seems a mess and hopeless. I do love him though and could not imagine life without him, he says the same too.

howtousemypotential · 09/03/2013 11:56

sorry name changed as i did not want to be indentified, stupid me cannot even do that right!!

howtousemypotential · 09/03/2013 11:58

original user name is whymeagain namechanged as I wanted to post about something else and forgot to change back!!

PureQuintessence · 09/03/2013 12:05

Did your dp realize that he was signing up for a lifetime without love, sex and affection when you and him got together?

I might be flamed, but I have the opinion that it is rather selfish to expect a monogamous relationship when you are also expecting a sex less one. This is a choice you can make for YOU, not for him. If you are not prepared to have a normal loving relationship of which sex forms a natural part, you either leave him or give him the go ahead to have sex elsewhere.

There does not have to be much drama here. Just a realization that you are not right for each other. You part as friends, and decide to co parent to the best of your abilities and you arrange your lives so you live near each-other so you can have 50-50 parenting.

izzyizin · 09/03/2013 12:05

When I do have sex I do enjoy it, it is just the thought of doing it that turns me off

izzyizin · 09/03/2013 12:06

Apologies - fingers failed Blush A considered response will follow...

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/03/2013 12:09

Financially, you're not in a good position because you're only a 'P' rather than a 'W'... that's life, sadly. He would be financially responsible for your children but you have no claim on any property.

However, it seems that there are some very large, fundamental problems in your relationship - mostly surrounding everyone's attitudes and requirements about sex - that haven't been resolved and too much has been left unsaid. It could be that you'd benefit from some couples counselling or sexual counselling if only to get all these unspoken things out on the table and be honest with each other for once. However, it may also be that you're past the point of talking or repairing things and are better off planning for an independent future. There is help for women in your situation... just not the back-up of a legal claim against assets.

howtousemypotential · 09/03/2013 12:12

I wish I could just turn back the clock and start our relationship again.

KobayashiMaru · 09/03/2013 12:13

I have to agree with Pure here. I don't see how its a bad thing to have a twitter account, there are refs to you and your dd on there, you aren't being denied.
I have to ask how fair you are being to your DP.

howtousemypotential · 09/03/2013 12:26

He had refs to me on his facebook account when he cheated before, even pictures of me an him together as his profile pic but still met women on there :(

howtousemypotential · 09/03/2013 12:27

I have tried to improve our sex life but it is hard since being pregnant with the spd :(

MorrisZapp · 09/03/2013 12:30

Blimey op, you don't deserve this at all. I don't have any advice really but my heart goes out to you.

howtousemypotential · 09/03/2013 12:36

I don't want any claim to property or anything, I am happy to work and pay my way. I guess I just want us to be happy and together and erase the last 14 years and for us to start again with each other. Which is not possible I know.

overmydeadbody · 09/03/2013 12:37

While you can't turn back the clocks, you can start again with him, if you want to.

You need to be more honest, and you also need to find some way to get over your reluctance to have sex with your partner.

It is not fair to have gone into this relationship only bothering to have sex once a year and not even telling him this. That is not a relationship.

Perhaps, if you both love each other and want to make it work, you could both start again, and focus on having sex more often in a loving way, so that you build up more and more positive memories of sex to replace the ones from your bast where you were abused.

Have you ever had councelling for your abuse?

overmydeadbody · 09/03/2013 12:39

I also find his behaviour very odd though, you say he bought a house on his own when you had been together for six years, that is very odd.

After six years you should know if you want someone to be your life partner or not, and him buying a house on his own makes it sound like he didn't view you as a life partner, even though you were together six years! Not good.

howtousemypotential · 09/03/2013 12:45

Looking back I don't think he did see me as a life partner, unti we had children. It was like he just couldn't let go of me while stringing me along saying one day we would live together, get married etc. But really I was not giving him everything he needed, but for some reason he just could not leave me. I could be wrong but that is how I see it looking back.

howtousemypotential · 09/03/2013 12:46

And I just clung to him because he was the only man who has never abused me :( I felt safe with him.

overmydeadbody · 09/03/2013 12:52

Have you talked to him about how you feel?