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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

MIL and DD

29 replies

CailinDana · 06/03/2013 16:42

Lovely DD was born last Tuesday. MIL very kindly came down on Wednesday to look after DS while DH and I chilled out for a bit with our new addition. She made a big fuss of DS which is great as it helps to stop him feeling put out but her reaction to DD has been odd and it's getting to me. She stayed for two days and then visited again with FIL yesterday. In that time she held DD only briefly (which is fine) but what struck me as very odd is that on both visits she came completely empty handed - no card, no present, nothing for DD.

This is very unusual for her because in the two years since DS was born she has never once arrived without something for him - a toy, a piece of clothing, something. She's the kind of person who gives Christmas cards even when she's staying for Christmas so to arrive with no card is also very unusual for her. When DS was born she was clearly over the moon - had knitted a blanket for him, bought him tonnes of clothes, bought him a baby gym etc etc and I can't help but feel sad and take it sort of personally that DD doesn't even warrant a card.

Since she found we were having a girl at the 20 week scan she's been a bit weird. She had two boys herself and commented a few times that she doesn't know how to deal with girls and that girls are different etc etc. She often asks silly questions like "Do all girls do that screaming thing?" (ie do all little girls scream shrilly when excited), and makes comments like "Oh a girl wouldn't enjoy that," (as in girls are boring I suppose). I get that she might see a girl as a slightly alien thing given she hasn't had one herself, but surely she should be able to get beyond that and just be glad she has another lovely healthy grandchild?

I'm hoping this is a blip and she'll start to be more "normal" about the whole thing soon. If her attitude continues I can see it causing real problems - I will not put up with my children being treated differently.

Anyone had experience of something like this?

OP posts:
looseleaf · 06/03/2013 16:50

Could it also just be that she isn't good about cards? Just asking in case as my family have never put much emphasis on cards/ presents and my mum often just wouldn't think of it but nothing meant by that iyswim.

Congratulations on your new arrival by the way, so exciting and hope your DS has lovely times with her; our youngest is now 20 months and it's been so lovely seeing their sibling bond grow

CailinDana · 06/03/2013 16:53

No loose, she's a mentalist when it comes to cards - cards for absolutely everything! I know it might seem mercenary but I really was expecting a little gift too - even a few muslins or a teething toy would have been nice. Considering how she showered DS in gifts the difference is really noticeable.

DS is still a bit dubious about DD but he is very kind and gentle with her, so I'm hopeful they'll become friends in time :)

OP posts:
JamieandtheMagicTorch · 06/03/2013 16:54

Congratulations Cailin

No experience of this, but I would maybe hazard a guess that she might have complicated feelings about girls. It is often said that women want baby girls, that women get to keep a closer relationship with their daughters than with their sons.

Perhaps she is envious? Perhaps she wanted a daughter herself, or may have lost one? Perhaps she has squashed down her feelings about girls and converted them to negativity?

It is very early days. Hopefully she will,wake up to herself.

P.S. i have two boys myself, and am happily reconciled to this, but it hasn't always been so.

Ginebra · 06/03/2013 16:55

Buy her a copy of Raising Girls by Steve Bidulph. I'm reading it now, although my dd is 10.

It has lots of info that your mil will need. ie, it says how some people, and she sounds a prime candidate, look at kittens and say to a girl, oh look, so cute, kittens, they look hungry and frightened! but to a boy they will say, look 3 grey and black kittens.

defineme · 06/03/2013 16:57

Perhaps she wanted a girl initially when she had her boys and her way of getting past that was to convince herself that girls are crap Sad.
The way I would deal with it is to lecture very loudly withing her earshot about treating boys and girls the same and so on.
I think if it becomes more obvious then your dh will have to step in and say how upset he is that she's favouring ds.
Early days yet though.

Ginebra · 06/03/2013 16:58

although of course she won't be raising her!

it's shame that some women see girls as being pink and twirly and into giggling and stroking cats and shrieking about leg warmers and one direction.

you have logged it. it's on the back burner. but for now take care of yourself and don't worry!!

CailinDana · 06/03/2013 17:03

I do wonder about that Jamie. She hasn't lost any children as far as I know but she did comment once that she wishes she'd had a third - perhaps to have a girl? I know it's a bit early to worry about this but my own mum isn't visiting until later this month due to work commitments (she's in Ireland) so I was looking forward to showing DD off to MIL and getting a few nice gifts - the usual newborn fuss - and it made me sad that she seemed so unimpressed. I'm hoping it's just a thing she has to get her head around.

OP posts:
JamieandtheMagicTorch · 06/03/2013 17:11

Ginebra

You have a point there. It's a shame that people,can't see a miraculous wonderful child as a child and not a gender.

CailinDana · 06/03/2013 17:18

Both MIL and FIL are absolutely terrible for gender stereotyping. DS has a buggy and a kitchen and a few pink toys and of course everything has been commented on. I challenge them every time and MIL has improved on that front but the girl baby thing is a real problem for her I think. FIL isn't worth my brain space - I couldn't be bothered what he thinks.

OP posts:
HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 06/03/2013 17:19

Congratulations Cailin, I've seen some of your posts throughout your pregnancy and it's nice to hear that the new addition has arrived!

Gender preference or bias or "comfort level" is such a weird thing isn't it. I always thought I wanted a boy and a girl - a matched set so to speak - but when I found out that DD2 was a girl I was actually very relieved, which surprised me! I felt like I knew what I was doing with a girl, and now almost 7 years later I have no idea how I would cope with a boy. But that's silly, isn't it, because of course if I had had DS1 instead of DD2 I would be used to it...

Sorry I'm blathering on and not really providing any constructive comments or advice. What does your DH think?

Also, I wonder what her reaction would be if you just said "Here MIL, hold the baby for a while so I can read DS a book" or something. Maybe she just needs a helping hand over the initial hurdle, and maybe she doesn't even realise that it exists.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 06/03/2013 17:23

Hearts

I sometimes feel that way about girls, which is really perverse, because I was one.

Or, Cailin, it might jot be about gender at all, or only partly. Maybe she is worried about emotional disloyalty to your DS?

CailinDana · 06/03/2013 17:26

DH agrees she was a bit weird. He suggested that it was because his older brother was very jealous when he was born and so MIL is focusing on DS so that doesn't happen to us. I don't buy that really, because DS wouldn't even notice if she bought a card or some small presents.

I totally get that gender can be an issue, even when you don't expect to be. I was really surprised how over the moon I was to find out DD was a girl. I was convinced I didn't care but I found I really did care! Strange how visceral it can be. In that sense I can understand it to an extent, but I think it's odd that she didn't even think to go to mothercare a pick up a small gift - it is odd for a GP to bring absolutely nothing for a new GC isn't it?

OP posts:
CailinDana · 06/03/2013 17:27

Jamie - perhaps the emotional disloyalty thing is part of it. She adores DS and is at his beck and call when she is here, so I wonder if she's afraid to divide her loyalties so to speak. If so she'll have to get over that too. I can't stand favouritism of any kind.

OP posts:
CailinDana · 06/03/2013 17:28

Thanks for the congratulations by the way :)

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 06/03/2013 17:32

I think she is struggling with her own feelings about not having a daughter.

Now that could be me projecting massively, but I know I am going to struggle with girl babies, especially ones in my family as the years go on.

Don't get me wrong, I adore my boys and I wouldn't change them for the world but there is a bit of me that is heartbroken that I don't, and won't, have a daughter.

I do think she is being weird not bringing any gifts though, and I can see why you are a bit upset. Hopefully she will get past it - I personally am really hoping that I get to have a granddaughter many years in the future.

RubyrooUK · 06/03/2013 17:38

Congratulations Cailin on your DD!

Your MIL does sound a bit odd but at this stage, I would try to ignore it. She may well be trying to focus on your DS in case he feels left out, especially if her eldest was very jealous. Or be funny about girls because she is one of those people who get really hung up on gender. Hopefully both of those will wear off fairly quickly.....

We on the other hand are having DS2 next week and my MIL has already told me that he isn't making him anything new as he's a second baby. She had some extra wool the other day so was making my six month old nephew three hats. Then she was going to make my SIL's sister's baby a hat with the spare wool left over. I said "oh well you can always make DS2 one too as your hats are gorgeous" and she said "oh well he'll have all DS1's so there is no point. You already have all those things."

No wonder DH has such a complex about being the second born. Grin

HumphreyCobbler · 06/03/2013 17:43

Many congratulations Cailin

I think it would be normal to bring a present for the new baby and agree it is very strange behavior. I do hope she gets over it.

fluffyraggies · 06/03/2013 17:46

Watching with interest OP, as my XMIL was just as cool towards my DDs. Her other GPs were all boys and she revelled in them. She herself had 3 boys (i was married to the eldest) and i always just assumed she didn't feel comfortable with girls.

It didn't occur to me she may have been a bit jealous. With hindsight i'm thinking it was a case of 'protesting too much' when it came to all the times she said "i never wanted a daughter. I am soooo happy i only had sons".

fluffyraggies · 06/03/2013 17:47

her other GC i mean.

CailinDana · 06/03/2013 18:16

Sigh. She just rang and asked about "going to the doctor." I assumed she meant the visit to the MW that we had today so I went on about how DD had gained weight yada yada, and she said "Oh no I meant you going to the doctor for you." I'm having some trouble with my left breast (blocked ducts, ouch) and she wanted to know about that. Why, I don't know, she's never usually interested in things like that. Didn't ask anything about DD - only wanted to know about my fecking boob! So odd.

OP posts:
Oopla · 06/03/2013 18:37

Hi cailindana. Just wanted to say congratulations on the birth of your dd x

ll31 · 06/03/2013 18:40

Congrats on baby! Maybe she's feeling bit jealous like some said. .. I'd try and ignore and in way babies affect people, she'll soon hopefully be besotted with her. Least she's still helping which particularly If she is upset , is nice

lunar1 · 06/03/2013 18:49

Do you have a good relationship? I would be sad about the blanket. When I was 16 my nan made me 2
Blankets for my future children, they will have them as keepsakes forever, she died when I was 17 and it made me so happy to get them out when my boys were born that she had left something for them.

I would let everything else go but I would ask her to do a blanket of you have a good relationship.

I would also keep an eye on things as they should be treated the same

INeverSaidThat · 06/03/2013 18:54

Congratulations Thanks Smile

I wouldn't worry about it for a moment. She sounds like a lovely Granny and she is probably waiting until she she's what you have got or what you need. It is not as though a newborn appreciates new things Grin

She is also most likely thinking she is being considerate not holding the baby too much. I don't think it means anything at all.

Maybe she is on MN and has seen all the millions of threads about overbearing MILs and newborns. She is just playing it cool.

I think you are possibly over thinking this.

Ginebra · 06/03/2013 19:20

That is lovely Lunar1.

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