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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

MIL and DD

29 replies

CailinDana · 06/03/2013 16:42

Lovely DD was born last Tuesday. MIL very kindly came down on Wednesday to look after DS while DH and I chilled out for a bit with our new addition. She made a big fuss of DS which is great as it helps to stop him feeling put out but her reaction to DD has been odd and it's getting to me. She stayed for two days and then visited again with FIL yesterday. In that time she held DD only briefly (which is fine) but what struck me as very odd is that on both visits she came completely empty handed - no card, no present, nothing for DD.

This is very unusual for her because in the two years since DS was born she has never once arrived without something for him - a toy, a piece of clothing, something. She's the kind of person who gives Christmas cards even when she's staying for Christmas so to arrive with no card is also very unusual for her. When DS was born she was clearly over the moon - had knitted a blanket for him, bought him tonnes of clothes, bought him a baby gym etc etc and I can't help but feel sad and take it sort of personally that DD doesn't even warrant a card.

Since she found we were having a girl at the 20 week scan she's been a bit weird. She had two boys herself and commented a few times that she doesn't know how to deal with girls and that girls are different etc etc. She often asks silly questions like "Do all girls do that screaming thing?" (ie do all little girls scream shrilly when excited), and makes comments like "Oh a girl wouldn't enjoy that," (as in girls are boring I suppose). I get that she might see a girl as a slightly alien thing given she hasn't had one herself, but surely she should be able to get beyond that and just be glad she has another lovely healthy grandchild?

I'm hoping this is a blip and she'll start to be more "normal" about the whole thing soon. If her attitude continues I can see it causing real problems - I will not put up with my children being treated differently.

Anyone had experience of something like this?

OP posts:
pamelat · 06/03/2013 19:33

Congratulations :)

Yes her behaviour is odd

I can only think that she's slightly envious that she didn't have a girl?, feels like you having a girl is a threat somehow? Or just looking out for her grandson whilst everyone else focusses on dd?

Odd

CailinDana · 07/03/2013 07:57

The blanket thing is particularly sad, as you say lunar. There's been no mention of a blanket so far so I don't know if DD is going to get one - DS's one is very precious to us. DS also has one knitted by his great grandmother who is now too unwell to do another one, so DD will miss out on that too :(

I know my hormones are clouding my reaction to this a bit so I'm trying not to get too upset but I can't help feeling a bit angry and annoyed on DD's part. She is wonderful gran to DS, the best, and I really want that for DD too. If it turned out that she was going to treat DD differently then it would make things very awkward.

OP posts:
diddl · 07/03/2013 08:06

Congratulations!

Perhaps she genuinely didn't know what to buy?

She does sound great really though-making a fuss of your son & asking about you.

My husband is an only child & MIL has always veered towards my son(PFB),saying she doesn't know how to be with girls(PSB).

It's hard not to feel annoyed for the baby-but they don't care!

Leave it until it's worth bothering about-if it ever comes to that.

My daughter has a strong personality-was no way she could ever be sidelined!

I also think it was jealousy on the part of my MIL-not just that I had a daughter-I'm not sure if it was that that bothered her or the fact that we had two children and were in a position to consider more.

They stopped at one due to finances/small 2bed bungalow.

2rebecca · 07/03/2013 08:17

Congratulations. I think you're overexamining this at the moment. Yes she's behaved a bit out of character with the card but it's early days and if she does have issues with girl grandchildren that will be her issue to sort out.
I would think about her less and get on with your family. babies don't need cards and she maybe felt you had enough stuff already.
If in future months she treats your daughter differently then you and your husband have a word with her and maybe see less of her.
There may be many reasons that she's struggling with your baby at the moment, none of them to do with you, or there may be nothing wrong and she's just adjusting to having an extra grandchild.
Let it be for the moment. You may find with 2 kids you want a bit more space from her anyway and don't want the full on granny approach any more.
It's very common for the first grandchild to get more fuss than subsequent ones as the novelty element has worn off, plus I think toddlers and young kids are more interesting than babies.

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