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Original poster

Fantastic date, but.....aibu?

80 replies

theendishere · 06/03/2013 01:05

Just had date 2 with a gorgeous guy who ticks all the boxes, except.....

date 1 - went for drinks, he bought first round, I bought second - ok with that although most guys recently bought all the drinks
date 2 - went for dinner (his suggestion) bill came, I offered to pay half, he accepted with no hesitation. AIBU to be a little surprised by this?

OP posts:
Ashoething · 06/03/2013 10:08

Goign for drinks-both should pay. Going for dinner-I would expect the man to pay tbh-old fashioned? Maybe but I would think it was the mark of a gentleman.

saintmerryweather · 06/03/2013 10:19

Its as if feminism never actually happened isnt it. i dont want someone who i barely know to be happy to 'treat' me to a meal out, but then again i dont want to be looked after, i want a relationship with someone who sees me as an equal

mrfrancis82 · 06/03/2013 10:41

I had a date last friday - Dinner, then drinks (was a first date).

I was happy to pay for the meal and drinks with the meal, but we moved on to a second bar I would kind have liked her to offer to get a round in but she didn't. I could accept this on a first and second date, but if I had to pay for everything on the 3rd, there wouldn't be a 4th.

I'm not interested in having a kept woman and it's nice to see a girl paying her own way.

Mintberry · 06/03/2013 10:43

I wouldn't expect it, though maybe if he earns a lot and knows you're struggling it would be polite of him to offer.
Still, I certainly wouldn't let it change whether or not I would see him again. Maybe just suggest doing something cheaper like going for a walk somewhere nice or home cooked food?

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 06/03/2013 10:44

It's as if feminism never actually happened

Yup.

And OP casually mentioned he is a struggling single parent...

Corygal · 06/03/2013 11:06

Why does feminism mean the woman gets a big bill?

OP, I'm with you. It's unromantic at best, slightly entitled at worst, to ask someone out to your choice of nitespot and then charge them. The man might be ok, but if you sniff tightwad, I'd slip away.

garlicbrain · 06/03/2013 11:11

She said she's a hard-up parent. Her date, she said, is clearly not hard up at all.

Theend, I think you have to learn to say "I can't afford that, shall we just get chips?" It is a bit off to accept an invitation on the assumption it's a free gift - how would you feel if a friend did it to you?

Beamur · 06/03/2013 11:23

I'd always expect and offer to pay my way.

My ex (who was a lovely and sweet man) somehow got me to pay for him on our first date! I was a bit taken aback, the date hadn't actually gone that well and I was very surprised to find myself agreeing to see him again. I think he was having a bit of fun with me as he'd been trying to speak to me for ages and I'd kept ignoring him.

I think until you know someone quite well, you should always pay your way to avoid any confusion. If it's suggested to go somewhere that's out of your budget, then suggest something else.

saintmerryweather · 06/03/2013 11:26

At what number date is he allowed to stop paying for everything then? Or as hes such a gent should he just always pay for everything? If he was a single parent or a student is it ok to split the bill or is it only if hes got money that hes unreasonable for expecting someone to pay their way? personally i would rather start as i mean to go on

The feminism comment wasnt really aimed at the op as such, more the responses she has recieved from dome other posters

aufaniae · 06/03/2013 11:39

I would expect to pay halves and would be suspicious of a man who didn't expect me to pay. It would feel very old fashioned and like he was trying to buy me. I'd run a mile from that tbh.

BigPigLittlePig · 06/03/2013 11:49

Perhaps he intended to pay for it all, but when you offered to go halves, didn't want to offend you by insisting he paid it all?

I would ignore it and make plans for date 3 - enjoy!

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 06/03/2013 12:12

My apologies OP and garlic, I misread.

I still stick to my opinion that there should be no expectation that someone should buy the dinner just because he's got a penis and you don't.

fedupwithdeployment · 06/03/2013 12:26

It is some time since I dated (about 20 years), but we went halves back then. Either 50% or once things got going, I bought one round, he bought the next. And one meal would be mine, and the next his....and 20 years on, we earn roughly the same, and we still go approximate halves.

60sname · 06/03/2013 12:28

I was a bit put out when my now DP didn't offer to pay on date two as I thought it meant he wasn't interested/could potentially be a bit tight.
But I re-examined my beliefs and realised that I had found someone who is interested in a 'team' type of equal relationship - something that had been missing from my previous relationships.
Three years on, we have a great, equal relationship, similar attitudes towards money - and he has generously treated me on special occasions - as I do him.

LessMissAbs · 06/03/2013 12:44

This sounds really old fashioned to me, but I must admit my experience of dating is different - I've barely done online dating (round here first online date seems to be an "interview" based around both of you buying your own coffee) and I've only ever dated men who are at the same stage in life as myself. ie university boyfriends, graduate type job boyfriends, professional boyfriends. DH fell into the latter category. First date was cinema, I honestly can't remember who paid what, second date was a meal and again I can't remember.

I think me and my friends must be odd, because we'd all feel really uncomfortable dating a sort of rich older man who is expected to pay for dinner. As one of my friends said when one of these types was trying to persuade her to go on a date with him with the line that he would pay for her dinner - "I can afford to pay for my own dinner". I feel fine with a man I know well treating me, but a total stranger - bit of a power game going on there, and kind of annoying to me.

XiCi · 06/03/2013 12:46

I think if someone asks you out on a date then really they should offer to pay. Even if I wanted to pay halves I would expect the offer and would prob not date them again if they didn't, it smacks of meanness and a lack of generosity which is something I just can't stand. Meanness with money usually indicates a meanness in every other area of their lives.

However if its internet dating where the men/women are likely to be going on series of dates then I think this changes it a bit and I would expect to pay half

Cherriesarelovely · 06/03/2013 12:57

Strange!!!! I find it really odd that people are still in this "the man ought to pay" time warp!! I am actually gay so maybe not the most informed person on this subject but I think it is so sexist. Paying your way is how it ought to be unless someone has explicitly said it is their treat. Many years ago I did date a man who was a total skinflint and would do anything to avoid paying, I was always the one footing the bill. That's not right and clearly if someone is hugely well off and the other person isn't then you might expect them to be sensitive and either make fair choices about where to eat or to pay but not just because they were a man. I would feel so patronised if a man or indeed a woman insisted on paying for me each time we went out. It is archaic.

Cherriesarelovely · 06/03/2013 12:59

I can't stand meanness either by the way.

XiCi · 06/03/2013 13:02

I don't think anyone would expect to be paid for every time they went out but for a first date when someone has asked you if you would go out for dinner or drinks with them, to somewhere of their choosing then I don't think its unreasonable to expect them to offer to pay

Teeb · 06/03/2013 13:33

I like the idea of being an equal, so pay an equal share of the bill.

patienceisvirtuous · 06/03/2013 13:46

I like it if the man offers to pay for dinner the first time; I always offer to pay my share and willingly do so if it's accepted, but the date would get brownie points from me for being chivalrous.

Halves from then on though...

DP pays more often than me for 'dates' but then he spends a lot of time at my house and I cook dinner a couple of times a week and get the wine in etc. He's generous and so am I so it works well for us :)

LessMissAbs · 06/03/2013 13:52

This actually scares me, I guess I wouldn't be cut out for online dating! The thought of sitting having a romantic, paid for dinner with someone I'd met once before would make me run for the hills. Its all just so contrived. Surely the first few dates are about getting to know each other. I prefer to consider myself an equal.

Does this not only restrict women to dating men who are richer than themselves? I cannot see how it works with women who are in well paid jobs, unless they like someone to take control in a very contrived way, and make a point of being a very feminine female. How does it work when the couple earn the same, is the man always expected to pay and just cover it financially? Does this attitude of the man paying extend to the woman having to also take the traditional roles of doing most of the cooking and cleaning, despite what she earns as well?

Zaphiro · 06/03/2013 14:09

You offered so I don't see why you're Hmming. If you don't want to pay half, don't offer to pay half!

Personally I think whoever suggests/plans the date should pay. DP's self-employed so goes through different periods of prosperity or lack of. If I want to go out for a date and suggest it, I'd pay. If he does, he pays. Paying half removes the exciting treat element and means you're paying for something you might not be keen on or be able to afford.

Zaphiro · 06/03/2013 14:10

FWIW OP I wouldn't have offered. But if I liked him I would have suggested a second date and made it clear that it'd be on me.

saintmerryweather · 06/03/2013 14:57

If you met a woman you would like to get to know better as a friend and invited her to coffee one day would you expect to pay for her? After all, you have arranged the date and invited her. if someone tried to do that i would see them as desperate, not chivalrous