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Original poster

Has anyone else left a really good man?

48 replies

dreadingit · 03/05/2006 21:38

I'm planning on splitting from dh but am absolutely dreading it. He's a wonderful dad and hubby. The problem is his libido or lack of it. He won't address it after eons together and I'm so fed up Sad I know a lot will say put up with it as in every other way he's perfect but he doesn't even kiss me. I know I'm attractive and look younger than my age and don't have halitosis! (at least I don't think so??) He's never been one for kissing though? Tbh he isn't one for anything sexual. He has plenty of time for his own pursuits i.e. football but won't make time to improve our non existent sex life.

I know telling him it's over is going to crucify him but I can't imagine being with him forever as I'm turning bitter about it, which isn't good for our kids.

OP posts:
controlfreaky2 · 03/05/2006 21:41

have you considered ultimatum re seeking help / making changes? or are you definitely beyond that? if all else is really good.....

busybusybee · 03/05/2006 21:43

I am sorry to read of your situation.

Does he know how strongly you feel about the lack of attention he gives you?
Why wont he talk about it and do something about it?
What about Relate?

Sorry for questions but my marriage is also falling apart and Im keen that other peoples dont!!!

Original poster
dreadingit · 03/05/2006 21:56

thanks for your replies.

Yes he does know how I feel. I've been with him a long time and sort of suppressed my sadness iykwim? Last year I got some attention from a really attractive man (didn't follow through though) and it brought up all these feelings. I wasn't well for a while because of this experience. I know this sounds OTT but the guy was also great to talk to and I know if I'd been single we'd have got on so well. We kept in touch for a while but I stopped it incase I became tempted (or more so) I feel I have to address my marriage before I even think of meeting someone else.

I know it sounds as if I'm going to be out on the tiles looking for sex or a new bloke but that's not it. I just want something real. Even if I'm just being real and alone. I know he loves me but it doesn't feel like a real marriage,more of companionship. I'm still fairly young and very outgoing so companionship alone isn't enough. I want passion if I'm with someone. I know the mad for it passion doesn't last but I want to at least feel wanted and sexually attractive.

Dh's dad is the same as him as MIL confided in me once. She's put up with it as he's also a good man. It does make me feel guilty that I can't.

OP posts:
ruty · 04/05/2006 13:14

i really think counselling might help, even if you do split up after it. It might make the break up much less acrimonious and hurtful. Or it might make him address some issues and help your relationship. I guess it depends if you still find him attractive, and want to be with him, and vice versa. I think intimacy and sex life are things that can definitely be worked upon within a couple that love each other. Relate often have a long waiting list, but they will give you an assesment interview in which they can tell you if they think can help. There are also private couples counsellers. Best of luck. Smile

chenin · 04/05/2006 13:24

dreadingit - I could have written what you have written...you have my sympathy... if you want to contact me I will let you have my email address - maybe I can help.

bizzi · 04/05/2006 13:37

Dreadingit and Helliebean, me too!
I want to know what help there is.
We tried Relate sex therapy 10 (Shock!!) years ago and last year I was very close to leaving him because I am so miserable, I feel so unwanted and unfulfilled. Few women understand because our situations are usually reversed which has only made me feel more miserable!
Since our close split last year (and more Relate, not the sex t bit though, he found that repulsive), there's been little improvement- we last made love 9 months ago! I really don't know what to do. Sad
What's your dh's take on the situation? Do you know why he's disinterested? Has he any idea that you might leave?

chenin · 04/05/2006 16:10

Well, I wish it was 9 months ago for me (not that that comment is of any help to you bizzi!). Its so long ago for me I would be too embarrassed to say how long and yes, I understand what it is like to feel unwanted, unfulfilled and neglected in that respect. It is a killer and eventually eats away at you as a woman.

maltesers · 04/05/2006 16:52

Dreadingit...i can completely relate to you , my dp is exactly the same and i have wondered in the past. Are we sure its not the same dp. My dp has no libido and is not into anything sexual. Lingerie/flirting/underwear or even pleasing me. Its really got me down and he still does not go to sexual therapy even though he knows i have wondered and our relationship is constantly on the brink of collapse ! Empathy to you ...good luck in what you decide to do .

maltesers · 04/05/2006 16:53

cant spell today ...meant to say wandered and not wondered ! ! der ...

maltesers · 04/05/2006 17:07

Have never LEFT a good man but wish i was WITH one ! ! !

sparklemagic · 04/05/2006 18:07

You say he's a wonderful dad and hubby...this is really just throwing ideas into the ring....does he have possessive feelings about you sexually? Would he MIND if you had an affair with someone else???

I don't advocate this obviously...just a silly thought...I wonder how men like this feel about it, if they are so not interested!!!

I have to say I am strongly pro families staying together even if it involves some sacrifice from one or other of the adults...however it sounds like you have sacrificed a lot of your youth to this situation, so I can certainly see why you feel like you do and I really really feel for you.

I do think that counselling is the way to go, even if you feel resolute about splitting up, as it can help smooth the path between you.

Sending my very best wishes, hope it all gets sorted.

Alipiggie · 04/05/2006 18:14

The question is do you love him and would you still want him if his libido came back. I'm currently separated from my husband and I really wish that we could go to counselling. YOu have to decide if you would want him if everything was okay sexwise. Only you know deep down in your heart what the answer is - if it's yes then please try and get counselling. There could even be an underlying medical problem. I feel for you I really do and hope that you can get a resolution one way or another. Sending you lots of hugs.

Original poster
Dreadingit · 04/05/2006 18:14

Hi all,
sorry to hear that there are others here as badly off, if not worse than me Sad

For the other neglected, do you confide in anyone in RL? I have just done so this year to family. My mum and sister are so shocked, I hid it well. Last year I told my best mate and she was gutted for me. You feel almost dirty don't you? Like it's a secret and if you tell people they may think there's something wrong with you? At least that's how it feels to me.

Bizzi,he has no idea I'm going to ask for us to start living seperate lives. I know he'll crumble when it happens but I can't go on like this.

Dh and I are sooo close it's unbelievable, we're totally best friends so I'm convinced we'll stay friends. The kids are my main concern, ds1 is very sensitive. Ds2 is young so he may take it better?

I'm very scared about the future. Today I kept crying and praying for help. I'm a Christian so this is helping a little.

The strange thing is that when I'm not crying I feel ok. It's sort of cleansing? For years I've been submerging my feelings, convincing myself that I could go on like this and now it's coming to a head, or maybe crescendo is a better term, I feel calmer. Scared but calm does sound mad I know but it's just like waves. A bit like grief tbh. I'm grieving about what is, was and could have been.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dreadingit · 04/05/2006 18:19

thanks sparkle and ali, I just read your replies.

I'm pro families staying together too. I feel you really need to earn your way out of a marriage where kids are concerned. I feel I have as not to go into too fine details I can honestly say I've tried nearly everything with almost no effort on his part. He once went to the drs years ago but he said he was ok? I wonder if he is repressed as his dad is almost a carbon copy? He didn't see physical affection as a child, at least not between his parents. I don't want the same thing to happen to either or both of my sons.

I will probably mention counselling when I come to tell him but more as a coping afterwards tool. I know he'll revert back to the way he is even if for a short while he makes some effort.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dreadingit · 04/05/2006 18:20

Ali, I love him but I don't fancy him anymore. He'd have to change a heck of a lot for me too Sad

OP posts:
Dior · 04/05/2006 18:23

Wow, you sound so sure of what you want. My dh is not really into sex much, and it dies away totally when I put a bit of weight on. I end up feeling like he doesn't love me for me, but for a slim body. We are definitely more affectionate too when I'm slimmer. It hurts, and I can totally understand where you are coming from.

I really admire you for not putting up with second best.

Original poster
Dreadingit · 04/05/2006 18:26

Dior that would gut me even more Sad

I was very slim when I met dh (size 8) and am now 10/12. It doesn't seem to make any difference to him what size I am?

OP posts:
cupcakes · 04/05/2006 18:28

You sound like you have given this a lot of thought and are doing this with great reluctance. However, if he really is your best friend and you still have love for him I think you should do everything you possibly can to save the relationship before giving up on him - for his sake, the children's sake and yours. Please consider counselling as a step to make things better rather than as a tool afterwards. I'm sorry if that isn't what you want to hear (I never know if people want support for decisions they've already made or impartial advice) but I do feel if a man was leaving a loving wife for the same reasons we would be less sympathetic.
Sorry if that sounds negative. You may well be years past the reconcilliation stage.
Good luck with whatever you chose to do.

Original poster
Dreadingit · 04/05/2006 18:33

thanks cupcakes. Yes I think you're probably right and I shouldn't think like this. It's hard though.

I'm up and down at the moment but when I'm up and having fun it's great Grin For ages before (this year) I was down a lot. I feel more empowered now.

Well have to go out, hugs to all xxxx

OP posts:
cupcakes · 04/05/2006 18:33

let us know how you're getting on.

Alipiggie · 04/05/2006 18:34

Then to be honest, follow your heart. There's no point to try and patch up something that probably will never really work for you again. Then you'll never be happy and neither will your kids. I live in hope that I can help save my marriage (dh had an affair) because I still love and fancy him. But it's very hard especially with two small ds's and living abroad. Take care and I'm sure you'll make the best decision for you all. Keep strong.

chenin · 04/05/2006 19:18

dreading it - you sound so brave and strong! I've been dealing with this for years and am not so up together with it all - very best of luck with it all.
I finally told a friend for the first time last year and what a relief that was. Its such a strain to always lie aned I always dreaded drunken dinner parties when the conversation got round to sex lives....

beartime · 04/05/2006 19:32

Dreadingit - You need to think what your priorities are. If you are a Christian your top priority should be God - and it clearly says in the Bible that the only reason you should end a marriage is adultery or death.

Then your second priority should be your husband, and your third your kids. As Christians we are supposed to deny ourselves. If you've ever talked to kids from broken homes you will realise that ending the marriage will be life-changing for them in a very negative way. My mother-in-law endured beating and abuse for years in order to raise her kids with a father which she knew they needed. My husband was always grateful for that.

You've got to accept that as a Christian divorce isn't an option except in the case of adultery. Have you tried going to Christian counselling together, or just you? Have you tried putting it on a prayer list and praying about the issue every day without fail? Have you thought about, maybe its your cross to bear? Christians in other countries have so many trials and persecutions, ours are minor in comparison. Though i would do what you can to get it fixed if you can. Every husband (and wife) has their own particular failings - maybe this is his major one which you havre to bear with patiently and pray for. And your joy in Christ should not depend on what he does. You could try getting together some verses and waiting for a good time and talking to him about his duty and obligation for sexual relations before God (assuming he's a Christian) e.g. in 1 Corinthians 7 where it says that a couple should not deprive each other except by consent.

Also you said it doesn't feel like a marriage but more a companionship. But marriage actually is a covenant of companionship - in Gen 2:18 God made Eve because it wasn't good for Adam to be alone. Also look at Prov 2:16-17 and Malachi 2:14 - they both talkabout marriage as a covenant of companionship.

Hope I haven't offended you by being so straight with you, but it is an issue that I feel strongly about and I believe God does too, with so many lives out there that have been harmed by marriages failing.

sunchowder · 04/05/2006 19:56

DreadingIt, I tool am in a marriage that lacks physical intimacy and it is very, very difficult. I opened the discussions up this past weekend and he has agreed to do some testing. He is perfect in many, many waysbut this just kills me inside. I too am overweight and don't know if these makes a difference to him (he won't saysays it doesn't matter). I am not at the point where I would leave him though, we have a 12 year old DD and I really wouldn't consider being unfaithful either. I don't talk with anyone about it either, just Mumsnet and I would be mortified if anyone in RL knew about it.

chenin · 04/05/2006 20:01

sun chowder - is there not anyone you could talk to? It took me years and years to talk but when I had told my best friend (who I have known for 30 years) it was such a relief - it put things in perspective...
If its any consolation, I have lost 3 stone and that still has not made any difference to my situation so weight should not be an issue