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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Has anyone else left a really good man?

48 replies

dreadingit · 03/05/2006 21:38

I'm planning on splitting from dh but am absolutely dreading it. He's a wonderful dad and hubby. The problem is his libido or lack of it. He won't address it after eons together and I'm so fed up Sad I know a lot will say put up with it as in every other way he's perfect but he doesn't even kiss me. I know I'm attractive and look younger than my age and don't have halitosis! (at least I don't think so??) He's never been one for kissing though? Tbh he isn't one for anything sexual. He has plenty of time for his own pursuits i.e. football but won't make time to improve our non existent sex life.

I know telling him it's over is going to crucify him but I can't imagine being with him forever as I'm turning bitter about it, which isn't good for our kids.

OP posts:
sunchowder · 04/05/2006 20:13

Thanks Helli---counseling is our next step after we rule out the physical. I haven't wanted to force him into anything. This weekend he did agree in during our talk that he was avoiding intimacy because he was having trouble keeping an erection (didn't want to fail again, etc.). He has at least given me a hug at bedtime for the past few days which is more affection than he has shown in months. Thanks for the kind words though.

beartime · 04/05/2006 20:40

You know some medications have a side effct of loss of libido - you might find it worth while looking at the side effects of any medicaiton he's on.

sallystrawberry · 04/05/2006 21:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Dreadingit · 04/05/2006 22:23

beartime, dh is an aethiest so I think he'd laugh his socks off if I took your advice. Thanks for thinking of us though Smile

Thanks sally, I'm getting so much stronger day by day. I will go to counselling with him as I do owe him that much. I'll talk to you soon hopefully xx Don't worry about what other people on here say hun, you know how tolerant I am of others beliefs Wink Thankfully I've put the dogma out with the bins where it belongs!

OP posts:
busybusybee · 04/05/2006 22:32

Beartime - I am a Christian too, albeit a lapsed one who is returning to the fold :)

I agree with your post in principle and I have said the same thing to my dh who is determined to leave me and the kids in the next few months.

However although I agree with you I think to say it to dreadingit is out of order. TBH

She has said she is a christian, but you have no idea of the circumstances!!!!!! Unless I havent been reading closely enough, she hasnt said whether her dh is a christian, she hasnt said whether she was a christian when she got married. I think these factors make a difference tbh.

Dreadingit has stated again and again that she has tried for years to overcome the problem and that for whatever reason her dh has been unwilling to address it even though he knows she is unhappy because of it. I think that gives at least some just cause for dreadingits need to get away for her own happiness at least.

Also as a parting shot beartime, Yes your mil stayed with her abusive husband in order to keep the family together. But your husband must also have witnessed years of abuse too, which is hardly a good thing

sallystrawberry · 04/05/2006 22:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

busybusybee · 04/05/2006 22:33

Crossed posts with you Dreadingit :)

maltesers · 04/05/2006 22:33

IMHO what else can a partner expect but for you to want to leave if the lack of sex just goes on and on and on ? Unless of course you are happy and have very little sex drive too. I have just learnt to live with it (my dp has no libido at all) but it makes you so unhappy, you feel so unwanted and ugly (even though you know youre not)

Ellbell · 04/05/2006 22:58

Dreadingit

I'm really sorry. I don't have time to read all the replies (work deadline tomorrow a.m.) but I just wanted to reply to your original question with a 'yes'...

I'm so sorry that you find yourself in this situation. I left a lovely man (kind, gentle, honest, reliable, etc.) after just 3 years of marriage. We were young (I was 24-ish) and didn't have children (which made the whole thing a lot easier... I'm not sure if I'd have had the strength to go if we'd had kids). My ex-h's lack of libido wasn't the only problem in our relationship, but it was a major one. (I won't go into all the boring details... I kind of 'found myself' through a job I loved and gained the confidence to realise that I was with this man because he looked after me rather than because I loved him.)

Leaving was awful (and I didn't handle it all that well, so I'm sure it was worse for him), but it was now about 13 years ago and I am still sure it was the right decision. I do believe that marriages are worth working at, but sometimes it is just 'not right', and I don't think it helps anyone if you fail to acknowledge that.

I don't know if this helps at all, but I just wanted to let you know that I have 'been there' and that however 'nice' your dh may be, it may be that you have to accept that he is simply not the right person for you.

Original poster
Dreadingit · 05/05/2006 14:52

Thanks for the replies everyone Smile

sorry to miss you sal, will catch up next week. Off to cousin's wedding, show you the pics of me snogging all the hunky men!! ONLY JOKING................I'll do that out of sight Grin Wink

Sorry to hear of your situation Ellbell,it does help me to hear that it worked out well for you though. I sometimes wish I'd left earlier but I was young also and very immature. I'd love to have changed career and be doing something different, acting most likely as that's my dream.

Will speak later xxxx

OP posts:
Xavielli · 05/05/2006 15:25

I am also a Christian and in its essentials I agree with Beartime.

I was going to write out 1 Corinthians 7 myself last night,
"Let the husband render to his wife the affection that is due to her....The husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does."
but DP chose that time to ask me to put it into practice! Wink

You have to take this to God, only way to fix it, I would not advise divorce in this circumstance.

Try quoting scripture to your DP, even though he is non-Christian, it is the word of God, therefore the Holy Spirit is working behind the words.

Xavielli · 05/05/2006 15:27

Also wanted to say that this is in no way a "cross to bear" only Jesus bore the cross to save us from having any to bear. All that is asked of you in return is that you believe and live faithfully.

ruty · 05/05/2006 15:58

I like that quote! Grin

I think though you might need a bit more practical help with this issue DreadingIt, and I'm wondering if there are some issues your DH needs to face and sort out in himself. you could give him an ultimatum maybe, some serious hard work at counselling or that's it?

kama · 05/05/2006 16:10

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Message withdrawn

chenin · 05/05/2006 17:12

I'm sorry, I may be speaking out of turn here but what does this sentence mean from Xavielli?

"You have to take this to God, only way to fix it, I would not advise divorce in this circumstance"

How on earth is this going to help anyone? How can you make a sweeping statement that the only way to fix this is to turn to God. If her husband is not religous (as mine is not) that is not going to work, is it?

Xavielli, you say you would not advise divorce in this circumstance. So that means that dreadingit (and me, for that matter) spend the rest of our lives devoid of affection, touch, kissing and anything physical? We just have to accept it as our lot in life then? Because divorce is not an option?

There are options and it seems to me that dreadingit is becoming strong enough to work her way through them.

sunchowder · 05/05/2006 17:24

I agree with you Helliebean, I was trying to stay away from the thread because I just didn't know what to say myself. I don't find this a religious matter, but I realize that emotions run high here and I didn't want to upset dreadingit. Hopefully my comments won't stir this up to much. I think there are many options and that there are many ways to work through this (as I am trying myself). I completely agree with you.

SSSandy · 05/05/2006 18:21

Stab in the dark: Could it be the "Elvis Presley syndrome" - he can't sleep with a mother? Did he change after the children were born?

Xavielli · 05/05/2006 21:08

To be a Christian is not a religion, it is a faith, therefore nothing I have said has been stated in a religious context.

DreadingIt has said she is a Christian, I was giving scriptures about marriage as this is the word to which a Christian lives their life.... If you do not follow the word of God then you are not walking with him.

And yes, it is that simple, take it to God, be your partner christian or not, DreadingIt is.... Why would God want her to stay in a situation like this?

I can honestly say, from a worldly point of veiw, I would say ditch him.But I am a Christian, this is the way I have chosen to live my life. the lady said she had been praying on it, therefore she is asking God for help.

I have not meant to cause any offense.. I hope all of you find the happiness you deserve.

beartime · 05/05/2006 23:22

by 'cross to bear' I meant we all have trials and God uses them in our life to help us depend on Him more, and to become more like Christ Rom8v28,29 so if you have tried everything and nothing works you can try looking on it as a trial that God can use to help you grow in your faith.

NotAnOtter · 05/05/2006 23:32

dreadingit - think twice .....you and dp may well fall back into the throes of passion...i think marriage or long term relationships are cyclical -they come and go....
i am sure this 'other man' has affected you more than you think - your feelings for him or for what might be with another partner will go but this will take time.
Please dont rush any decision - time is a great healer - believe me Wink

maltesers · 06/05/2006 13:19

Yes come to thinkof it i kind of left a god man, but he did sweet F.A. for the kids, all the child care was left to me. He actually resented them, they were just a nuance it seemed. Apart from that he was ok, drank too much though. He wasnt BAD just not your ideal man. so i left him in 1994 and went from the frying pan into the fire.

Ellbell · 06/05/2006 20:33

Dreadingit... I know I did the right thing. My only regrets are the way in which I did it, which could have been more sensitive. Although I am now remarried (interestingly, to an ostensibly much less 'lovely' man - can be quite crabby and opinionated! - but to one who is 'right' for me, in the bedroom and elsewhere), I do think about my ex quite a lot. We clumsily tried to stay 'friends' for a few years (but I realised very slowly that he thought that meant there was hope of us getting back together) but now haven't spoken for 10 years. Sad really, but I hope he's getting on with his life and is happy. I sure as hell know that I can't make him happy.

Was interested in the religious aspect to some of the posts on here. I definitely blame at least some of my ex's lack of libido on his extremely strict religious upbringing. He had been taught that sex was evil (except for procreation... but we weren't attempting to procreate at the time) and I'm sure that this feeling that he shouldn't be enjoying himself seriously inhibited him. I'm obviously not saying that all Christians feel like this. His upbringing was, shall we say, a little extreme. But in our case it definitely didn't help.

Good luck, dreadingit. I hope you find happiness.

Original poster
Dreadingit · 10/05/2006 11:49

cheers for all the replies. I will carry on praying and hoping to find the answer.

SSS, I don't think it's the "can't sleep with a mother" thing as he's never had a high libido but if we do go for counselling maybe something will come out? I'm not very mumsy tbh and have tried lots of ways to spice it up without going OTT as I can imagine that's as much a turn off. I think basically he's very repressed.

NotanOtter, you're right the other man has affected me as he'd be perfect for me were I single but there's no way I'd drag kids into that situation. Above all I'm a realist and I know it'd be so very wrong. Anyway, nothing happened thank God but emotions ran high. I think he came into my life for a reason though, to make me see how unhappy I was. I feel a lot better now, even though I'm very uncertain about the future I still feel strong.

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