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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am falling apart - please help

71 replies

Orchidlady · 05/03/2013 10:43

DP left a couple of weeks ago and I am just not coping. I can't eat, can't sleep, drinking far too much, having major panic attacks. I thought I was strong, I could cope but I am not. To make matters worse I am in serious financial shit and because not feeling myself not seeing how to deal with it all. Talking inland Rev, mortgage company. Just realised I need to do a VAT return today ong. Since he left he has been back several times, we actually slept together last Friday, went for Sunday lunch had a nice time and then he just breezes of, it is doing my head in. It is a beautiful sunny day and all I can do is sob my heart out. Despite what people say on here, there is no OW, there really isn't, we were just we having issues and things came to a head. I asked him to leave and he did. Anyone who does not know we have been tog for 20 years and have a DS.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/03/2013 10:47

I think you need some RL support and to detach yourself from this man 100%. No more him popping over casually and messing with your head - it's killing you. What practical help are you getting from friends & family? Do you have someone to help you with your finances? Have you consulted your GP?

Original poster
Orchidlady · 05/03/2013 10:50

Killing me is right, I feel so on the edge, I am so ashamed. I am truely pathetic. Friends have been kind family not much good. That is the point I feel I have no one to turn to. I feel completely adrift.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/03/2013 11:00

There's nothing to be ashamed of. Break-ups are very emotional times, feelings are running high, rationality often goes out of the window and you wouldn't be the first or last person to sleep with their former partner. So please don't see yourself as pathetic - just human.

Give those friends another call if you're struggling. Or book some activities in your diary... an accountant perhaps to help you with the VAT return? A holiday away? It's so important to fill your time, otherwise you can find yourself going quietly nuts mulling over everything that has happened over and over again or tempted to call the ex and have them round for lunch etc. Your GP may even be able to help short-term with medication although that's not a path some people want to take.

In the meantime, we're quite a nice bunch on the MN Relationship board if you fancy a virtual Brew

Nannytwotimes · 05/03/2013 11:02

I agree that you need to detach completely. Do not meet him, let him come over or have conversations of more than a minute or two. The best way of coping is to take charge!

Busy yourself with the practicalities - do your VAt return, sort your money, pack up all his things (give him a time to come and fetch them, when you are out). Stop hoping he will come back. Be angry, shout, cry, hit something. I know 3 couples where the guy left with no OW, just mid-life crisis. The women are fine, enjoying new things, travelling, lots of friends ...... the men ........ Much the same as they always were.

There's usually a silver lining! Really - one door shuts and another opens!

Original poster
Orchidlady · 05/03/2013 11:22

Shamefully I did call him this morning and burst into tears, I know I am not helping things.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/03/2013 11:29

You really have to find other things to do, turn off the phone, delete his number, bury your phone in the garden ..... whatever it takes. You asked him to leave and you have to follow through as best you can. Have you thought about talking to your GP?

Original poster
Orchidlady · 05/03/2013 11:35

I am not sure taking pills will help. All I want to do right now is beg him to come back., maybe it would be the best for all concerned. I not sure I can do this, sorry today is such a bad day. Poor DS is poorly on the sofa, I am having a major melt down about money. So scared I am going to loose the house. On the positive side actually made some money this morning.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 05/03/2013 12:05

Why did you ask him to leave?
You have to remember why this has happened!
Write it all down so you can see it in black and white.
Write down all the negatives and the reasons why it all came to a head.
Then read and re-read to remind yourself that you did all of this for good reasons.
I know how hard it is to ignore someone you love. I'm bloomin' useless at it, but you need to cut him off for the time being for your own sanity.

cestlavielife · 05/03/2013 12:25

get your six nhs counsellnig sessions via gp - it wil really help.... call samaritans to talk it thru...you dont need to be suicidal to call them ... rather than calling him!

make a list.
put some things to lok forward to on another list.
focus on day to day hour by hour what you need to do today...

Original poster
Orchidlady · 05/03/2013 12:44

It is ironic I supported him through his MH issues and the slightest sign of my distress and he abandons me.
hells in answer to your question this was one of the issues. Also alcohol misuse, though can't say I am doing so well. Using Wine as crutch right now. Well not this precise moment as trying to work

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SueFawley · 05/03/2013 13:11

Sorry to hear that you're really struggling OP.
I'd suggest that you have a read through your old threads. It's all there, all the proof you need that this relationship isn't working and hasn't been for a long time.
What you're feeling is normal, but it's essential that you stop having contact with him because it's just going to set you back more.
I suggest you make a list each day of things that you must do that day. Don't worry about tomorrow. VAT return obviously very very high priority.

amillionyears · 05/03/2013 13:24

I cant make out from this thread whether you asked him to leave, or whether he walked out by himself.
Also cant actually work out whether you want him back or not.

SueFawley · 05/03/2013 13:27

amillionyears, he was the one who left.

MiniTheMinx · 05/03/2013 14:11

Why did you ask him to leave? are the issues totally insurmountable?
Do you still love him? Did he leave freely? Would he support you and help with the financial muddle? Practical help with it? Does he still love you?

cestlavielife · 05/03/2013 14:46

you asked him to leave for good reason.
you cannot see him as abandoning you... was he present before when you were together, mutual support? or was it high drama and tension.

he is not the person who can help you thru this.

you need to find just one friend or family member who can.

if no one then call and speak to someone eg samaritans or a therapist.

know that after this you can live a life with much less drama up-and-down in it. life will be calm. you can focus on you and your DS. you can brush aside his dramas. let him handle them himself.

practical financial matters are just that.

go out for five minutes and feel the sun on your face. breathe. in peace. it is a new springtime for you.

then make a list

you can do this. you can get thru today and tomorrow will be better

Original poster
Orchidlady · 05/03/2013 14:48

mini it was kind of joint thing. Yes I do love him, yes he loves me. That is the problem. We have 20 year history. Yes have been problems but we always thought of each other as best mates.

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Original poster
Orchidlady · 05/03/2013 14:50

cest your message has made me cry. I can hardly breathe right now

OP posts:
badinage · 05/03/2013 15:13

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad but this sounds more like co-dependence than love, especially if you've supported him through poor mental health and substance misuse.

Ultimately you are an individual and you will be able to survive without him and undoubtedly have a better life in the future. But he's really not being fair to you at the moment if he keeps popping back to the family home and having sex with you, when he's said the relationship is over. That must be a headfuck for you and your children too.

Try to put some boundaries in now and don't be tempted to beg him to come back. Do access as much help from other sources though while you wean yourself off him.

SueFawley · 05/03/2013 15:17

OrchidLady please, take a look at your previous threads. This man was NOT your best mate. He's verbally abusive, he told you he doesn't fancy you anymore, he's left you before, he is alcohol dependent, he had very strong feelings for another woman ie his 'special friend' he told you about, this isn't half of it.
I know you're terribly upset about this but I think you need to see it clearly how it actually was so you can start to let go and move forward.

For those of us who've followed your many threads about this relationship it's clear that this relationship is toxic to you. He isn't your best mate.

C'estlavie is correct in what she says.

Do phone the Samaritans if you're finding it really hard today (you seem to be struggling a lot, I feel for you). I phoned them during my divorce at least four times and they do listen.

badinage · 05/03/2013 15:25

Blimey Shock

No, that's not love.

Original poster
Orchidlady · 05/03/2013 15:25

Thanks all, yes today is so bad I am finding it hard to think. Oh on positive side managed to do the VAT return done. I know he is fucked in the head, sure his happy go lucky attitude right now is an act, I know it is as was in tears the other day before he left. I suppose it is easier because he is out meeting people and I an trapped in the house with a poorly boy.

OP posts:
SueFawley · 05/03/2013 15:38

Time for you to stop trying to get inside his head and fretting about how he's feeling and what he's thinking and doing. He's not your concern any longer. You need to focus on yourself (and DS of course).

Well done on the VAT return, you must feel better for having done it and it's one less thing to worry about.

Original poster
Orchidlady · 05/03/2013 15:48

Thanks sue I feel like a sad pathetic excuse of a human being. I am sure one day I feel nothing but contempt for him but all I can do right now is fret about what he is doing. I know I deserve better. Even at my old age I think I would be a catch, just seem to have lost all confidence in everything. I really need to pull myself together.

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Original poster
Orchidlady · 05/03/2013 15:49

Oh and the sex last Friday was rubbish anyway

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 05/03/2013 15:56

"stop trying to get inside his head and fretting about how he's feeling and what he's thinking and doing"

exactly - it is early days for you but that is a good thing to think about.

one lady told me she would visualise a box into which to put all thoughts of her ex, then put it at back of a cupboard to be forgotten ...when the thoughts come, banish them. leave him at your door. gone.

in a few months -well maybe you can think but in a different detached way .

what about arrangements for Ds to be with him?

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