I am falling apart - please help

[Orchidlady]

DP left a couple of weeks ago and I am just not coping. I can't eat, can't sleep, drinking far too much, having major panic attacks. I thought I was strong, I could cope but I am not. To make matters worse I am in serious financial shit and because not feeling myself not seeing how to deal with it all. Talking inland Rev, mortgage company. Just realised I need to do a VAT return today ong. Since he left he has been back several times, we actually slept together last Friday, went for Sunday lunch had a nice time and then he just breezes of, it is doing my head in. It is a beautiful sunny day and all I can do is sob my heart out. Despite what people say on here, there is no OW, there really isn't, we were just we having issues and things came to a head. I asked him to leave and he did. Anyone who does not know we have been tog for 20 years and have a DS.

[Orchidlady]

Feeling a little better today, don't know why. Had a good chat with db last night. He knows him well, loves him to bits but said obviously he has been well for sometime. Poor DS is still poorly let him stay off school again today.

[SueFawley]

OL, glad you're feeling a bit better today.

So now's the time for you to take that slight improvement in mood and use it to your advantage. It's time to get tough here. It's also time to see your relationship with exDP as it really was. I've only ever read your many threads about this relationshp and it's clear it's toxic. Go back and read some of your previous threads, you need to get the rose tinted specs off and start to feel angry about this.
I remember a thread about a year ago, perhaps early summer last year where you'd asked him to leave. Everything you wrote then is what you're writing now. Point I'm making is that a year has passed and nothing has changed. In fact it's getting worse.
My feeling is that if he hasn't got an OW then at some point he will come back. But when he does, don't ever believe it's because he loves you and is contrite and is going to make you happy. He will come back just because it suits him and he because he is thriving in this toxic relationship.

[SueFawley]

Also OL, now that he's gone, what steps have you taken to protect your finances? Do you have any joint debts, accounts etc?

[Orchidlady]

Have read the threads, I think I have just got to thinking this is normal and deserve nothing better. Had a good convo with DB last night, he thinks is not well. I think he will want to come back, hope I am strong enough to say no, there is no OW. I think he trying to replay his Dad's life.

Was up very early this morning and have really sorted out finances, such a relief. Have spoke with all creditors and made arrangements. Working well today.

[SueFawley]

It's not normal. You do deserve better.
Please go to your GP and get some counselling, your self esteem is on the floor, understandably after so long in such a relationship.
Rebuilding your self esteem is the first priority, and you'll feel tons better.

Well done with finances. I don't know anything about financial liabilities for couples who are/have been living together, but do make sure there's no way he can cause any problems with any joint debts etc.

[Orchidlady]

Actually he is being better with finances, has paid over £800 in last 2 weeks. Also giving me £200 in cash tomorrow so not complaining. He is not vindictive in that way. Thanks for your support sue. I can not leave the house as DS too ill, and he going to but some things for us, after work

[Charbon]

Sorry to read that you are still making excuses for him OrchidLady

You simply don't know as a fact that there is no OW. Your ex lied to you about his relationship with the woman who allegedly died recently. Remember, when he was seeing her on a professional basis and then left you and said he was going to live with her, you would have said then that she was just a friend and that there was no affair. Astonishingly, you still say that now despite him telling you recently that there were months of secret meetings and encounters you knew nothing about. The alleged presence of her husband and your blind denial about his ability to be unfaithful to you seemed to get in the way of seeing the truth then, but it's incredible that it's stopping you now.

The fact is, he has ended the relationship even though it should have been you ending it years ago.

Why would he do that?

Why would he give up a life with someone who enabled his alcoholism, his drink-driving, his refusals to have sex and his untreated depression?

I'm sure he will want to come back when he needs mothering again.

But with any luck, he will stay away for good and realise that he doesn't love you in the true sense of the word and that this relationship hasn't been fulfilling either of your romantic needs. Also that it's a destructive relationship in which to raise children.

I'm sure you'll take him back if he asks and will again put your relationship with him above your son's needs again. Which is terribly sad, but a natural progression from the denial you are in at the moment about this relationship.

Similarly, I have the feeling that you're hiding a bit behind your son's illness and the inability to get out and do some shopping, in order to get your ex to come to the house again tonight. Your son is 12. Is he really so ill that he couldn't have been left while you nipped to some shops? No neighbour that could have kept an eye on him? No facility to do some online shopping?

[cestlavielife]

tell yourself to stop thnking about him and how he is feeling or thinking.."I think he trying ..." it will get you no where.

and dont depend on him for shopping as charbon said. get online - you can get a delivery tomorrow, order in a takeaway, nip out to local shop for basics.
by allowing yourself to depend on him you will never move on.

you need to change your midnset. ti is hard. therapy can help.

[Orchidlady]

Have tried therapy and not comfortable with that. I actually think it is the least he can do, I do not see it a a negative tbh. DS does not want to be left alone and we are very rural, so no one here. When he is here there is not horrible atmosphere weirdly. Having to deal with this in my own way which probably seems strange to most people. And the money is very helpful right now.

[Charbon]

Of course he should be paying money but he should ideally be seeing his son outside of your home. Him coming to the house is not allowing you to detach or your son to accept that mum and dad's personal relationship is over. You are enabling exP again by making it easy for him to be a father.

Your son or you will be ill at some point in the future. It really is best to rely on your own resources from now on to prepare for those times.

Your response isn't strange to me at all. It's a familiar one from somone who is co-dependant and in denial. I can imagine why therapy isn't comfortable for you.

[SueFawley]

OL it really wasn't clear to me that you felt that you had your 'own way' to deal with your situation. From your posts it did sound as if you were really reaching out for support as well as constructive advice.
I'm sorry I misinterpreted because it really is horrid to be getting advice when you don't want it and feel that you don't need it.

Anyway, I wish you all the best.

[Orchidlady]

I am having such a hard time, why can't I just move on and start mending my broken heart. I really want to hate him but can't. Had virtually no sleep last night kept waking up, I am just so bloody tired.

[Orchidlady]

Well maybe I should change the title because I seem to be turning a corner. I am actually eating again and for the first time I slept to whole night through, can't say how good that feels, that constant feeling of panic is fading. I am learning to detach, just can't believe it . He has been telling people he needs to get is head sorted. well good for him, I am starting to feel the anger. Now thinking of practical things like how much money to ask for and set days when can see DS. Any ideas on this?

[hellsbellsmelons]

I've been following this thread.
I'm so glad you feel you are finally turning that corner.
Things will start to improve now.
I don't think I slept for about 3 months when my marriage broke down.
I was just running on adrenalin.
But... time is a great healer and you are doing great.
Keep strong and well done!

[Orchidlady]

Thanks hells I took advice from people here and re read all my past threads and stared making a list of all the negative/positive things about our relationship. This has helped me see what a self entitled fuckwit he really is. Sadly my DS sees him as a victim, hope that changes.

[TheNorthWitch]

sadly my DS sees him as a victim, hope that changes

Well it probably will when your exP realises that you are over him and moving
on with your life and not his emotional pillow anymore. You might see him a lot more clearly then!

[Orchidlady]

theNorth not sure what you mean, I think I really am beginning to see him for what he really is. For me the turning point came the other day when I yet again told DP that he should make an effort to call DS as he was upset. His response was that DS was manipulative and always had been, and that DS2 was selfish and self centred because he had not been in touch since the break up. Ok then, just wondering who the adult is in all this

[TheNorthWitch]

I just meant that when you start cutting loose from him he might get a bit nasty so be prepared to maybe see a side of him that you have not experienced so far - your DS may witness it as well. At the moment he pops round, sleeps with you and then breezes off - he might not be such a happy bunny when that is not on offer anymore. I haven't read your other threads but he seems to be quite abusive and abusers are known for cycling through the nice nasty nice nasty routine depending on what they think will achieve their aims.

Agree with everyone who suggests no contact - distance will give you clarity and maybe that is why you are starting to see him for what he really is. I suspect with your DS's he is projecting - it's really him that's self centred and manipulative.

[Orchidlady]

Thanks North. You are right projecting

DS has finally seen his dad place, shabby room in a house and yes was a mad dog, so for once he was telling the truth. When he dropped son off, I did not engage, he said he would call me tomorrow, ok still trying mind games. DS had a good time with his dad but then became very argumentative and rude, think he is finding hard. Another good day today , sun is shining, off to homebase after work to buy paint for the bedroom, my bedroom

[raenbow]

Great idea orchid painting is so therapeutic and will give you a great sense of achievement ! The nice nasty nice thing is so true North stbxh is currently in Nasty mode (albeit dressing it up as reasonable) but I know it won't last .
It is tough he is angry with you Orchid but using the kids to get at you because he can. Desperation and guilt will do funny things to a bloke.
Keep strong avoid contact and lmove on. It's not going to be easy you will tick along for a while then reach a hurdle and falter but every day you get stronger and he loses his power over you.

[Orchidlady]

Came down with a horrible bug on Sunday evening, I was doing so well. Xdp turned up yesterday with loads of fresh fruit and pain killers,cleaned the kitchen for me. Also turned up first thing to drive DS to school, unfortunately DS now has my bug. Not sure what to make of all this.