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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Concerned

36 replies

EggyCorgan · 03/05/2006 18:05

Ive been putting off posting this as 1) I feel awful accusing him of something sinister and 2) Im scared you're all going to think I'm the one with the warped mind.

The thing is my Fiance has always had a 'thing' about peodophiles, underage sex, people messing with kids etc but he seems to take it way beyond the normal 'hatred' that most people feel for sicko's, he seems REALLY interested in it all, too interested sometimes...

For instance my friend has a little girl, she's 7 and a while ago she was quite sore around her privates, my DP instantly insisted that her dad MUST be messing around with her then went on and on about as if it was deeply effecting him whilst at the same time making jokes about it saying that if the girl becomes a teen parent she'll have her parents to blame, particulary her daddy etc, I found it all really distasteful but just ignored him until he dropped the subject.

Thing is Ive noticed now that when we're in town he always comments on the way young girls (13 year olds etc) dress as if he is disgusted yet he still makes a point of looking if you see what I mean? Also twice we have walked past a Selfridges poster and DP has "kicked off" about the age of the model but in a way it seems like he is trying to convince people that he doesnt like it.

A while ago I was talking to him about a friends baby girl who had been checked over by the nurse who then checked over her privates in order to check for signs of sexual abuse, I asked him if he felt this was a good or bad thing and the first thing he said was "wouldnt that take away her virginity though? poking around in that area?" why would he say or even think that??

Lastly, he is obsessed with the idea of having a daughter, whenever he talks about us having kids he always says "when I have a daughter..." etc..

I dont know, maybe I'm way off here, I just wanted some other opinions...

OP posts:

Greensleeves · 03/05/2006 18:08

Perhaps there is something traumatic in his past which he hasn't dealt with properly?

PinkKerPlink · 03/05/2006 18:10

how old is he? he sounds very immature if nothing else

Original poster

EggyCorgan · 03/05/2006 18:14

As far as I know he had a good upbringing and is still very close with his mum although hates his dad.

He's 24.

OP posts:

Greensleeves · 03/05/2006 18:18

It does sound as though he is a bit troubled around that sort of thing, but it doesn't necessarily mean the wrost. It could be that he has a repressed memory of some kind which has upset him? It could be something quite trivial, something he saw or misinterpreted as a child and has consciously forgotten. Or something which has happened to him which he hasn't talked to you about. Maybe next time he makes an inappropriate remark you could gently approach the idea with him that he seems a bit troubled about this area? How does he feel about counselling etc? I know it's very awkward and difficult, but you really can't marry him if you're not sure about something like this. IMO.

Original poster

EggyCorgan · 03/05/2006 19:11

Another thing is that he seems to think of innocent childish behaviour as sexual all the time, for instance if my 7 year old playfully runs past and smacks him on the bum he goes mad and tells him to stop "touching" him! its the same if my son climbs on him and his groin touches anywhere on my DP he will push him away agressively and tell him to stop "rubbing" himself on him.

This pisses me off more than anything else to be honest as he seems to make my son out to be a pervert, would any of you put up with him snapping at your kids like this or am I being too over-protective?

OP posts:

QE · 03/05/2006 19:15

I would be very concerned that a) he has experienced somthing in his past that he cannot talk about or b) there is something more sinister about his behaviour.

How long have you been together? Has he always been like this?

Personally, this would bother me too much to be able to marry a man who was raising suspicions like this in my head, whatever the reason for them.

cheesecake · 03/05/2006 19:19

Sounds weird to me ( sorry ) People might think I am weird but I have been looking after children for 22 years and when I got pregnant I had this really quick thought about my husband and wether I could trust him with my baby (IYKWIM) obviously the answer was yes .I think it may have been my hormones or the fact that my career was children . I dont know but if you cant trust him I would have a serious think .

Hoopoe · 03/05/2006 20:08

I think if you have these sorts of concerns before you marry him, now is a good time to really work out whether you trust him or not. It's much easier to get out of the relationship now, than if you got married and had children. How would you feel if you did have his daughter? Would you feel you could trust him with her? I think if the answer isn't a resounding 'yes', then it's time to consider your options. I know it's not easy since you're engaged, but it's not too late to be questioning things, it's the perfect time!

Hoopoe · 03/05/2006 20:12

I think you should trust your instincts.

NotQuiteCockney · 03/05/2006 20:31

Another vote for "trust your instincts". It's entirely possible he isn't dangerous at all, but it certainly sounds like there are some unresolved issues there.

PanicPants · 03/05/2006 20:35

I'm not sure I'd want him around my child, but then you knpow him much better than me. But if you're worried enough to post then I think you should do some serious thinking.

I do think it sounds weird but, then again it could be all innocent. It's down to your gut feeling.

busybusybee · 03/05/2006 20:37

QEs post said exactly what I was going to say!

Nbg · 03/05/2006 20:41

I wonder if it's his own way of expressing his own anxietys about having his own children and how he would feel being a parent IYSWIM?

Do you have children?

morningpaper · 03/05/2006 20:43

I agree with QE

It sounds as though it's possible that he has suffered kind of abuse in his past

Can I ask, what is his attitude towards gay men?

Original poster

EggyCorgan · 03/05/2006 20:46

I have a son whom DP tries to make out as being a pervet saying he "rubs himself" on him etc

He dislikes gay men and always comes out with the "ewwww" noise when he see's gays portrayed on tv, he's really ott about that too.

I know some of the blokes he works with call him gay for a laugh etc and he gets really upset and wound up by it.

OP posts:

Nbg · 03/05/2006 20:50

He really does have an issue. Thats quite clear. Be it somthing from his past or his own anxietys/fears and you obviously have your worries too.

Have you actually confronted him about it? If not I think you need to. I would explain to him how it comes across when he says the things he does and how it sounds and what you think.
I'd approach it carefully though because if there is any past "issues" it could be a raw area for him.

NotQuiteCockney · 03/05/2006 20:51

Thinking about it, the business with your son is quite unsettling. It's probably worth being aware that pedophiles often believe that children are hitting on them, the whole thing is started by the kids.

Speaking as someone who resolutely does not buy into the current "pedophiles are everywhere" paranoia, I would be very very uncomfortable with my kids spending time with someone who said this sort of thing. I'm not by any means convinced your fiance is up to anything, but he certainly sounds like has some worrisome beliefs and behaviours.

morningpaper · 03/05/2006 20:51

I've known people who were abused by men who react in ways very similar to your partner

Sometimes what happened is so awful to the person that they cannot admit - even to themselves - that it has happened

Why does he hate his dad?

sickandtired · 03/05/2006 20:53

never said this on mumsnet before but this is a trooooollllllllllllllllll

Original poster

EggyCorgan · 03/05/2006 20:53

Ive told him that I dont like the way he talks to my son, saying he rubs himself on him and touches him etc, I tried telling him that 7 year olds dont have a clue what sex is (mine doesnt anyway!) and whatever actions he does they are certainly not sexual.

I havnt touched on the other stuff yet as I couldnt think of the best way to approach it, I try to make it obvious that it's inappropriate by ignoring him, changing the subject or simply turning my back on him and doing something else.... he doesnt 'get it' though.

OP posts:

wessexgirl · 03/05/2006 20:54

Agree with the posters who suspect he has experienced some kind of abuse in his past. This is not normal behaviour.

NotQuiteCockney · 03/05/2006 20:55

S&T, I really don't think this is a troll.

And yes, as mp says, I'd be wondering about the dad.

Original poster

EggyCorgan · 03/05/2006 20:56

SickandTired, I'm not a troll, thanks.

I'm not sure why he hates his dad, he won't talk to me about it .

OP posts:

morningpaper · 03/05/2006 20:56

sickandtired why should this be a troll? And why does it matter?

I have a friend's husband who's behaviour is very like this due to past abuse - he has dealt with these issues in counselling but his gut reactions are like those being described here

Hoopoe · 03/05/2006 20:57

I don't think it's a troll either.

There are clearly unresolved issues, probably emanating from his relationship with his father. Either way I think you need to get things out in the open.

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