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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Concerned

36 replies

EggyCorgan · 03/05/2006 18:05

Ive been putting off posting this as 1) I feel awful accusing him of something sinister and 2) Im scared you're all going to think I'm the one with the warped mind.

The thing is my Fiance has always had a 'thing' about peodophiles, underage sex, people messing with kids etc but he seems to take it way beyond the normal 'hatred' that most people feel for sicko's, he seems REALLY interested in it all, too interested sometimes...

For instance my friend has a little girl, she's 7 and a while ago she was quite sore around her privates, my DP instantly insisted that her dad MUST be messing around with her then went on and on about as if it was deeply effecting him whilst at the same time making jokes about it saying that if the girl becomes a teen parent she'll have her parents to blame, particulary her daddy etc, I found it all really distasteful but just ignored him until he dropped the subject.

Thing is Ive noticed now that when we're in town he always comments on the way young girls (13 year olds etc) dress as if he is disgusted yet he still makes a point of looking if you see what I mean? Also twice we have walked past a Selfridges poster and DP has "kicked off" about the age of the model but in a way it seems like he is trying to convince people that he doesnt like it.

A while ago I was talking to him about a friends baby girl who had been checked over by the nurse who then checked over her privates in order to check for signs of sexual abuse, I asked him if he felt this was a good or bad thing and the first thing he said was "wouldnt that take away her virginity though? poking around in that area?" why would he say or even think that??

Lastly, he is obsessed with the idea of having a daughter, whenever he talks about us having kids he always says "when I have a daughter..." etc..

I dont know, maybe I'm way off here, I just wanted some other opinions...

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 03/05/2006 20:58

That makes sense, mp. I could understand someone having some strange reactions thanks to previous abuse. It doesn't sound like EC's fiance has really dealt with whatever happened to him (if anything, of course ...).

morningpaper · 03/05/2006 20:58

I agree it needs to be brought out into the open

I am not sure how you would go about doing that

Perhaps you could contact an organisation for abuse survivors and discuss with them?

sobernow · 03/05/2006 20:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sickandtired · 03/05/2006 21:04

1st post

Ive been putting off posting this as 1) I feel awful accusing him of something sinister and 2) Im scared you're all going to think I'm the one with the warped mind.

The thing is my Fiance has always had a 'thing' about peodophiles, underage sex, people messing with kids etc but he seems to take it way beyond the normal 'hatred' that most people feel for sicko's, he seems REALLY interested in it all, too interested sometimes...

For instance my friend has a little girl, she's 7 and a while ago she was quite sore around her privates, my DP instantly insisted that her dad MUST be messing around with her then went on and on about as if it was deeply effecting him whilst at the same time making jokes about it saying that if the girl becomes a teen parent she'll have her parents to blame, particulary her daddy etc, I found it all really distasteful but just ignored him until he dropped the subject.

Thing is Ive noticed now that when we're in town he always comments on the way young girls (13 year olds etc) dress as if he is disgusted yet he still makes a point of looking if you see what I mean? Also twice we have walked past a Selfridges poster and DP has "kicked off" about the age of the model but in a way it seems like he is trying to convince people that he doesnt like it.

A while ago I was talking to him about a friends baby girl who had been checked over by the nurse who then checked over her privates in order to check for signs of sexual abuse, I asked him if he felt this was a good or bad thing and the first thing he said was "wouldnt that take away her virginity though? poking around in that area?" why would he say or even think that??

Lastly, he is obsessed with the idea of having a daughter, whenever he talks about us having kids he always says "when I have a daughter..." etc..

I dont know, maybe I'm way off here, I just wanted some other opinions...

Which I did think was genuine then 2nds post, even tho there has been as response:

Ive told him that I dont like the way he talks to my son, saying he rubs himself on him and touches him etc, I tried telling him that 7 year olds dont have a clue what sex is (mine doesnt anyway!) and whatever actions he does they are certainly not sexual.

I havnt touched on the other stuff yet as I couldnt think of the best way to approach it, I try to make it obvious that it's inappropriate by ignoring him, changing the subject or simply turning my back on him and doing something else.... he doesnt 'get it' though.

Just made me think that - and I am sorry if I am wrong Blush

Perhaps I should have given advice before throwing an insult Blush

Basically, I have 2 boys, and if anyone inferred that they were being sexual when having an "extended" hug I would be on the alert.

cataloguequeen · 03/05/2006 21:37

I agree with you sober, he does not sound particularly unusual both my dh & I complain about how some girls dress when were out shopping and he does not find two blokes snogging an enjoyable experience!!eeerrryuk pass the remote man!!

My dh had abuse in his family (his sister) and his parents didn't deal with it properly this really affected him ...he talks openly about abuse and the slow and painful death he would cause to anyone who dares touch his dds (is this normal?).

He sounds like he may have experienced something in his past and this has affected him...

I feel you should talk to him about your observations in a totally non-accusatory way and see what happens...

QE · 03/05/2006 22:17

Tell me to piss off and mind my own, but I wanted to ask what your sex life was like? I mean, does he do or say anything that strikes you as weird in that area? Does he have any sexual hang ups with you?
Sorry if this is prying too much but if he does have probs with this then that could tell you a lot too.

TaiTai · 03/05/2006 22:42

I was going to give advice, but can I first ask, please: what is a troll??? Do you mean a hoax? (and if so, why use the term troll??)

mymama · 04/05/2006 03:05

I was abused as a child but I don't behave in this way. I am "obsessed" about protecting my children - I will have my children sleep in my room with me if we have visitors to stay - but I don't notice posters or feel weird about my children touching me. In my opinion I would be wondering about his motives. Apart from family/friends one of the most common "predators" are guys who seek out relationships with single mums with young children. Your fiancee may well be innocent with some weird hangups but on the safe side I would be educating your child about touching etc and not leave them alone until you feel more sure. Hopefully you won't have anything to worry about.

Bink · 07/05/2006 08:15

Um, didn't kemalstilletto have a problem like this once? (Pity archives aren't working)

tigermoth · 07/05/2006 08:34

having just read your first thread on this, I'm coming over to thinking that you should trust your instincts on your dp. Something is screaming to you that this is wrong whatever it is.

It might well be that he is innocent of anything serious (and I agree with sobernow that many of his attitudes do not mean he is a pervert) but I do think you must look at how he treats you - what sort of sexual relationship you have. This will be part of the picture.

batters · 07/05/2006 09:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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