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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Found out my husband has been seeing an escort....only married 3 months

40 replies

YogaBunny84 · 04/03/2013 20:08

Hello ladies,

I've never posted on here but wanted some advice. I am a 28 year old woman, who met my 42 year old husband a year ago and after a whirlwind romance we got married in December 2012. Prior to the wedding things were good, and he has been through a lot of stress of late with work which is why when the sex started to dwindle I didn't worry too much. Ive tried to be there for him and support him emotionally. However, he does turn me down on a regular basis and I like to think I am attractive and fit (I exercise daily and take care if myself). He has just started a new job and regularly gets home at 10pm or later. His general behaviour has also been a little off. Well needless to say I became suspicious and had managed to guess his laptop password (awful I know) and have been checking the internet history regularly. Today I discovered videos of him having sex with an escort that he had downloaded onto his laptop, he is wearing is wedding ring and a new watch bought recently and he was 'out for drinks with a friend' when this was apparently filmed. I am distraught and angry more than anything else. He is a successful businessman, we live in a beautiful house and have no children, 2 cats but no children. I hate him and all I really want is to come out of this the best I can. I have not confronted him yet but have saved the videos onto a USB stick.

Any help and advice would be welcome! Thank you lovely ladies xxx

OP posts:

OpheliasWeepingWillow · 04/03/2013 20:09

Divorce. Sorry. He doesn't respect you and there is no coming back from the fact he videoed it to watch again, and again, and again.

EternalRose · 04/03/2013 20:12

Oh gosh, you really, really need to leave him. The fact that he video'ed it is just disgusting, and you will forever be playing it on your head over and over again if you stay in this relationship. LEAVE HIM ASAP.

MadAboutHotChoc · 04/03/2013 20:16

Not only did he cheat on you after a few months of marriage, but also he did it in a really vile way i.e buying a woman's body.

This demonstrates his sense of entitlement and his warped views of women and sex. To him, women are commodities to be bought and used.

I wouldn't be surprised if he is a heavy porn user.

Chubfuddler · 04/03/2013 20:19

You need to leave him. His behaviour is inexcusable. I'm afraid unless he is an absolute multi millionaire and you have irreparably given up a lucrative career in expectation of marriage and babies, then for a marriage of this duration you're not going to get much of a financial settlement. You will however escape with your self respect, and hopefully no STIs.

kallima · 04/03/2013 20:19

oh my god, you poor thing. take your cats and go. he doesn't deserve a second more of your time. yuk.

Portofino · 04/03/2013 20:23

Well leave him. What else can we say?

Reality · 04/03/2013 20:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Twogoodreasons · 04/03/2013 20:27

How do you know she was an escort?

badinage · 04/03/2013 20:30

Get some good legal advice and divorce him, but unfortunately you'll have to wait till December to be legally free of him.

I wonder did he get permission to film this woman or whether he has committed a criminal act?

Original poster

YogaBunny84 · 04/03/2013 23:41

Ladies thank you for all of your support and advice. Yes leaving him is the only option and I can only be thankful children aren't involved. I know she is an escort because she referred to that when she was talking to him and he obviously asked to film her as it was filmed using a camera on a tripod in the what appears to be a hotel room. She is looking at the camera a lot too...
Thanks again to all of you lovely people who have replied xxx

OP posts:

CardinalRichelieu · 04/03/2013 23:43

He sounds like one classy dude.

If you divorce him for adultery, I believe he will have to pay for the divorce fees of about 1k (read that on another thread on here anyway) so might be worth doing. And you certainly have definite evidence of adultery (!) which is rare.

SnoogyWoo · 05/03/2013 08:15

Take him to the cleaners with that evidence!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/03/2013 08:17

Marry in haste repent at leisure..... See a lawyer and don't waste another minute of your time on this dirty old man.

scaevola · 05/03/2013 08:39

Ask him to leave, get an STI check, and start planning you options for permanent separation leading to divorce.

mrfrancis82 · 05/03/2013 12:59

He's a bit too old for you isn't he? Successful businessman/whirlwhind romance - bit of a cliche isn't it?

Ribeno · 06/03/2013 10:38

if this is a serious post, im am sooo sorry you are in this situation. you aren't taking the p* are you?

unforgivable. please dont even waste your time trying to rationalise this one or getting an answer from him about why. i would be surprised if any relationship could recover from this.

tell him that you have had reason for suspicion with the changes in the intimacy between you and needed to see for yourself if there was anything to be concerned about. That is all.

Do you work? if you do have your own income, leave then see a solicitor asap.

please come back here and dont bottle things up.

carmenelectra · 06/03/2013 12:26

What a loser.

He is married to a younger, fit woman and he has been doing this soo early in your relationship. That's shows you have no hope imo.

What a terrible terrible situation.

Cherriesarelovely · 06/03/2013 12:37

How horrible, I feel for you. Yes, obviously I would leave if I were you. It must have been a really shocking experience for you, hope you are ok.

theonewiththenoisychild · 06/03/2013 12:50

leave get an official separation and then divorce as soon as possible before you make him aware that you know punish him on the sly I know it's a bit childish but will give you something to smile about when your lying in bed at night upsetting yourself

dondon33 · 06/03/2013 14:58

So sorry :(

There's nothing that could be salvaged from this relationship and if I were you, I wouldn't want there to be. You need to leave asap and find a good divorce lawyer.
What he has done is unforgivable, not only have you not been married long (not that it matters 1 year or 20)
Not only did he choose to cheat on you.
Not only did he do that with a prostitute, risking your health and pretty much verifying his attitude towards females but he first recorded his infidelity then purposely loaded that onto his laptop so he could have his sick kicks whenever the mood/need takes him.
He didn't care that you could find this or how you would feel if you did.
He is a cunt of the highest order and you need to be away from him, If you're going to confront him then please DON'T tell him you've made a copy of what you found. For you it's dynamite, for him it's hell and ultimately his downfall :) and he'll probably try all ways to get this from you - it's enough to say you've seen it, let him delete it (maybe he will, maybe he won't) and let him believe that's that and it's only your word against his ;)

As others have said - please do get yourself checked out for STI's, just in case - you don't want any future relationships put at risk by this, not to mention your own fertility. It's not a very pleasant experience under the circumstances but a must.
DO NOT apportion any blame for this to yourself - never. He is responsible for this, he doesn't deserve you nor one minute more of your time.
Of course keep coming here to offload, get advice and chat but try to tell someone in real life for a little support.
Look after yourself the best you can.

Original poster

YogaBunny84 · 06/03/2013 20:02

Thanks so much ladies, you are echoning my own thoughts entirely and its so lovely to read your messages of support and advice.

Yes I do work so can afford a solicitor, it is good to know I can get him to cover legal fees eventually though as he earns considerably more than me.

I am keeping silent on my evidence that I have safely stored. However, he has today admitted the infidelity to me after I hinted at my suspicions and he stated it was all down to work stress (?!). Needless to say I don't think this bodes well at all for the future!

The sad thing is I don't think he knows how to love and he certainly doesn't know the meaning of marriage...

OP posts:

Chubfuddler · 06/03/2013 20:25

You have no children, you are working, you don't need this shit. Just leave. Actually run like the wind.

ImperialBlether · 06/03/2013 20:27

That is so shocking. Thank god you're working and don't have children together. Were you living together beforehand? What will you do about somewhere to live? Could you tell him to get out until you find somewhere new?

pamelat · 06/03/2013 20:33

Leave
Make sure you keep a copy of the video, divorce lawyers will need it
I find it out that she let him tape it?
So sorry
Some people are just idiots

PuggyMum · 06/03/2013 20:36

So sorry you have to go through this op. I really can't add anything that's not already been said bit another one here to offer support.

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