Found out my husband has been seeing an escort....only married 3 months

[YogaBunny84]

Hello ladies,

I've never posted on here but wanted some advice. I am a 28 year old woman, who met my 42 year old husband a year ago and after a whirlwind romance we got married in December 2012. Prior to the wedding things were good, and he has been through a lot of stress of late with work which is why when the sex started to dwindle I didn't worry too much. Ive tried to be there for him and support him emotionally. However, he does turn me down on a regular basis and I like to think I am attractive and fit (I exercise daily and take care if myself). He has just started a new job and regularly gets home at 10pm or later. His general behaviour has also been a little off. Well needless to say I became suspicious and had managed to guess his laptop password (awful I know) and have been checking the internet history regularly. Today I discovered videos of him having sex with an escort that he had downloaded onto his laptop, he is wearing is wedding ring and a new watch bought recently and he was 'out for drinks with a friend' when this was apparently filmed. I am distraught and angry more than anything else. He is a successful businessman, we live in a beautiful house and have no children, 2 cats but no children. I hate him and all I really want is to come out of this the best I can. I have not confronted him yet but have saved the videos onto a USB stick.

Any help and advice would be welcome! Thank you lovely ladies xxx

Could l suggest you get yourself an STI check-just to keep yourself safe...
What are your plans? Are you going to a solicitor for advice before you confront him?
What was his reaction when he admitted his infidelity shame? remorse? Did he beg for forgiveness?
What did you say to him? Does he think all is forgiven?

So sorry you are going through this.

Yes, divorce the bastard asap.

Thank gos you have no children with him and have your own income, and have hard evidence of his addultery.

Good luck, you will be fine! You are lucky to have discovered his true colours so soon into the relationship.

OMFG!! Work stress!! Made him not only betray you but record it and load it to his laptop as well.
Pathetic excuse from a pathetic bastard.

I'm so fucking on your behalf Yoga

Agreed - Run like the bloody wind honey, as soon as possible, you deserve so much better.
Take care and keep coming back x

When you have are totally ready to confront him and have somewhere to go --have ab eastenders night..
Invite family and friends around and have a dvd to watch...cue DH and escort on TV for all to see..
Lets see how he quirms out of that one

Just thinking, OP, about him being filmed. Is there any way you can find out whether he filmed you? It just seems so specific, that he filmed himself with the woman. Can you be absolutely convinced he didn't film you?

Do you remember this case? A BBC producer had filmed himself with several different women - the camera was in the smoke alarm in the bedroom and there was another in the bathroom. I don't want to panic you, but in your place I would be having a good look around.

ahem, just a heads up.

The Computer Misuse Act 1990

I would ask for this thread to be removed if i were you.

Oh, and i think the moving rapidly on in your life advice is probably the best you will get.

What's the CMA got to do with this thread, OP?

Oh I see, with her guessing his password. Well, he's admitted it anyway, now.

I see a lot of misinterpretation of divorce fees/court fees/solicitors costs here on MN when talking about divorce. If you divorce him on grounds of adultery or unreasonable behaviour, he will most likely pay disbursements and basic solicitors fees. Around £900. That is simply to get the divorce itself sorted.
However YOUR own solicitors fees for negotiating finance settlements etc are separate from this. I divorced my husband. He didnt contest the divorce and he paid around £700 (four years ago) for the 'divorce costs' but altogether I paid around £15000 in solicitors' fees. It all dragged on for over 2 years, I had to get a barrister etc. Your solicitor is likely to charge approx £25 just to send you ONE text. So you can imagine how much letters and lengthy phone calls soon add.

A couple can avoid a huge amount of the extra charges by negotiating everything themselves and just getting the financial agreement drawn up.
But the point is if you DONT/CANT agree, it is going to cost you.

You do have the advantage of only having a very short marriage so there really shouldn't be much to negotiate over, therefore less involvement by the solicitor except for the divorce itself.

Didn't your joint fees come out of family money, Sue? I don't understand why, if he wasn't contesting the divorce, it took so long. Was it incompetence on the part of the solicitor or was it complicated financially?

Imperial, I don't want to take the thread off topic too far but I saw a comment earlier about how OP's husband would have to pay fees etc and just wanted to clarify as her response sounded like she thinks she's going to gain financially in all of this. As OP's marriage is very short it shouldn't be complicated as there's not much to negotiate, ie very little in the way of joint assets.

My exH didn't contest the actual divorce, but we couldn't agree on a financial settlement. As I said in my OP, the divorce itself is separate from financial settlements. In our case we had been married for 20+ years, (marriage length was taken into account) he owns his own company, and we had a lot of joint assets (several properties in UK and abroad). I wanted a clean break, he thought it was more beneficial (to him of course) to make a regular maintenance payment instead.

Thought I'd made it clear in my OP that if a couple doesn't easily agree on the financial settlement that's what makes the solicitors fees rocket and that it's a misconception that the respondent pays for all legal fees.
The fact is, the more there is to 'fight' about, and the more one party tries to 'hide' certain assets, the more the divorce will cost.

Stay safe!!!
Do you want to risk your health and life for this man? Do you?

When your partner is having sex with someone else. It gives dangers of catching a STI.
Doing it with a prostitute.... The risks are much higher on getting something.

Is everything done safely?
Even if he did always use a condom. Also unprotected oral sex is dangerous.

But even if he did do everything safely. He still could have caught:

Warts:
wiki page of warts
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Genital_wart

Visible warts are uncomfortable, but not dangerous.

The wart viruses (HPV) that doesn't give you warts are DANGEROUS!!!

I've copied this from the wiki page, see link above.

"Some types of HPV can cause cervical cancer and anal cancers, but these are not the same types of HPV that cause genital warts".

Even with a condom he still could have caught this virus.
Because the warts are not only on the penis and in the vagina, but also on the area around it.
That area isn't covered by a condom!!!!

With all the sexual partners a prostitute has got. Condoms that don't protect you from this. Nor is their any visible sign that someone has got this virus.
It's a big change for a prostitute to get this and for her clients to get it from her.

Safe sex doesn't exist!!!
I really wish that health care would start to give the correct information about sexual health to people. Instead of letting people think that sex with a condom is safe. It sure isn't!!!

Every time you or your partner has got sex with someone. You're playing Russian roulette with each others health and life.

Only when having one sexual partner and you're also his only sexual partner. Then you've got nothing to worry about.

When going for an STI check, they don't check on wart viruses. If you happen to have a wart they will notice it.
But it takes months, sometimes years after someone got infected before a wart becomes visible.

But remember the dangerous wart viruses don't give you any visible warts!!!
Nor do they check for it during an STI check.
Even when someone is fully checked they still could carry this dangerous virus without knowing it.

My advice:
I understand it must be very hard for you. I'd be soo furious if my partner does that to me.

I'd choice for my health and totally wouldn't allow someone to cheat like that on me ever again.

In case he truly loves you. Would he have done this to you?
Would you cheat on someone you truly love?

Just in case he realizes how important you are to him.
He'll feel terrible and then do anything to get you back.

If he doesn't....
Do you want to stay with someone who has got so little love and respect for you?
Is this the kind of person who you'd like to have children with? If the father is like this... how much respect will your children have for you? He will be there male/father role model.

Would you like that?
Would you be able to have a happy life?

wiki page of cervical cancer.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cervical_cancer

I wouldn't be able to live with the thought of getting that. It's a cancer that shows early in life.
There are other risks factors as well on getting this, but this virus gives the highest risk on getting it.

Although the changes of surviving this is high when discovered early. Going threw the chemotherapy is anything but easy or fun.

From cancer research:
www.cancerresearchuk.org/cancer-info/cancerstats/types/cervix/

"In 2010, 2,851 women in the UK were diagnosed with cervical cancer.
In 2010 there were 936 deaths from cervical cancer in the UK.
In 2005-2009, 67% of women in England survived their cervical cancer for five years or more".

Around 70% of these cases where caused by the HPV (wart virus).
Means that around 655 lady's died in 2010 as the result of catching this horrible dangerous wart virus.

And there are more STI's that you could easily get.
People are often very scared of HIV, but it's not easy to get that. It involves a lot of stupidity and bad luck before you get that.

There is a whole list of STI's that are easier to get. Some of them can lead to infertility, some can become deadly and others are just uncomfortable.
For some there is treatment available and for others there isn't.

Best of luck!!!
Take care in this incredible hard time.

I'd leave him. But you need to make your own decision.
Whatever you decide to do.

I wish you all the best in the world!!!

Sylvia

work stress I have a lot of stress and have anxiety and depression but I don't see another man in the pub and think oh it's been a stressful week so i'll take him to bed to make me feel better and video it incase I get a bit stressed out again and want to re live the moment seriously what an ass he is

I think he has mental problems with sex and relationships and is putting you into classifications:

You are his pure betrothed wife, so sex with you would be dirty and wrong

Sex is dirty and disrespecftful so pay a prostitute (which gives you carte Blanche To use them in any way you see fit) and then give her the filthy hard degrading shag she deserves.

In his head it's nicely compartmentalised.

How awful for you op. imagining a real betrayal scenario is bad enough, but actually seeing it? Ugh you poor thing.

You have nothing to hold you there, please get over the money and just get out of there. Staying to dwell on it, and god forbid having a family with this man is. Frightening thought.

Escorts and new marriages don't fit.

It is kinder to call it quits now, for both of you.