Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not happy in relationship but struggling to explain why to DP

28 replies

WayneTait · 04/03/2013 13:45

(namechanged)

I have been with my DP for six years and we have two young children (one is almost 3 and one is 9 months). Our first DC was unplanned but we were very happy to have them, demonstrated by us having DC2!

I love him, he makes me laugh and is a great dad but there is no romance. No compliments, no sex. He can be pretty grumpy and if we get any free time he just wants to go off and do his hobby by himself.

I see friends going for meals out or whatever with their husbands and a colleague's partner posted a photo of her with the caption "my beautiful X" and it makes me feel so so shit.

Everyone thinks we aren't married because of me - I don't like weddings - but it's because he's never asked me. He knows I want(ed) to be married (we did Relate counselling online and I wrote it in that. The counsellor was dreadful so we didn't waste any more cash on it as it wasn't money we could easily spare any way).

I once read something on here about not feeling cherished, that would be it really. He's not a horrible man, in fact he is good and kind, but his family are v v odd. We are a bit like Victor and Margaret Meldrew, if that helps.

I don't want to leave, I want to get old with him and our lovely children, but I don't want to feel lonely all my life. I am only 36 and feel sad that there is no romance left for me. Any advice would be appreciated. I have tried to tell him I am unhappy but he just thinks I'm being melodramatic.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/03/2013 15:00

Was there a time at the start of your relationship when he was romantic, attentive and interested in sex? There must have been really.... I can't imagine that you'd have seen him as great boyfriend material if he never took you out, never paid you a compliment and spent all his time doing his own thing etc.

So if the answer to the above is 'yes' he used to be more attentive then he's simply got lazy and stopped trying. He thinks you're a done deal, a sure thing, a safe bet. 'Why pay for the cow' as my lovely gran used to say 'when you get the milk for free?'

He knows you want to get old together and won't leave him and all the rest so he's exploiting that... not maliciously necessarily, just taking you for granted. I think you have to give him a bit of a fright quite frankly. Make his life rather less comfortable and secure. Do your own thing more. Demand that wedding (for very practical reasons rather than emotional ones). Demand nights out, gifts or whatever it is that's missing.

But mostly make him think there's a possibility that the reliable old, safe old wife might walk out the door if he doesn't sharpen his act up.

Original poster
WayneTait · 04/03/2013 17:47

The beginning of our relationship was brilliant.

I'm a bit wary of trying that. For one I can't actually imagine him getting jealous, and for two I tried it with my ex and he ended up leaving me for a really quiet frumpy woman so to me being attractive and independent won't do anything but drive your boyfriend into someone else's arms. I'm not the sort of woman that men find very attractive anyway, perhaps I should go out with my lesbian friends a lot, he might find that more threatening.

I do do my own thing because otherwise I'd never go out anywhere! He isn't really interested in going out. He has a few friends but he usually meets them for lunch during his working week or occasionally one will come to our house for coffee at the weekends. His father is practically a hermit so I'm guessing it's something he's inherited.

I guess I just feel like he's totally underwhelmed by me :(

OP posts:
TheUndesireable · 04/03/2013 18:08

God, I could've written your post, op :( I even call P victor meldrew. Sympathy here x

Original poster
WayneTait · 04/03/2013 18:10

Thanks it's rubbish isn't it?!?! We do have good chats and fun and stuff, but we are like housemates or something. I just don't feel that special. Which I always kind of thought was the point of a relationship...

OP posts:
elly67jo · 04/03/2013 18:46

I'm new here but your post struck a chord. Been married over 20 years with 2 children. DH is super father but it's like a business partnership between us now. We both work really hard in professional jobs and don't really have much family support so we're both very busy and tired much of the time. Our kids are a bit bigger now so we should be able to find some time together as a couple but he shows very little interest in this. Anything we have done together is 9 times out of 10 at my instigation. He is only really interested in doing things for and with the kids and makes me feel like a bad mother if I suggest that there's a need for adult time together. We now don't even have sex because I'm so pissed. I know it shouldn't matter but he put on a lot of weight over the years and I feel it's just another example of not giving a toss about making an effort to stay attractive for me. Maybe he just lacks imagination but I'm seriously scunnered.

Kione · 04/03/2013 18:57

I could have written that but only one kid. My DP has tried to change but I am not sure its working Sad

Original poster
WayneTait · 04/03/2013 19:03

That's what I'm worried about elly67jo, what will happen when DC are older and don't need us all the time?

I still find him attractive. I'd still choose him, I just don't know if he'd choose me :(

OP posts:
elly67jo · 04/03/2013 19:04

Mine too but it doesn't last. I'm 46 and keep on thinking, "Is this it?" Then I feel crap because there are so many more people with a lot more to moan about than me. Have thought about separation but I'm a teacher and I see what damage that does to kids. We're also practising Catholics, although he is much more committed than me, so we're stuck.

Original poster
WayneTait · 04/03/2013 19:06

Kione what has he tried to change? How did you get him to try?

I don't need DP to change, exactly, I'd just like him to want to go out for dinner or something. I hate it when people say "oh, you need to arrange a date night" - he doesn't WANT a bloody date night with me, given a night off from the kids he wants to listen to the radio in the bath and clean out the shed :(

OP posts:
elly67jo · 04/03/2013 19:06

Can you pinpoint when it started going wrong?

Original poster
WayneTait · 04/03/2013 19:08

elly67jo I feel the same about splitting up - it's not THAT bad, I'd feel very selfish I think. I can live like this, I just feel sad because I wish it were different.

I worry about our kids though, I think this is a crap model for them. I would hate my DD to feel so uncherished by her partner when she is an adult, or for my DS to think you don't have to make any effort for your partner.

OP posts:
Original poster
WayneTait · 04/03/2013 19:16

I don't know really...it was before we had kids. I should have put my foot down earlier over stuff but I'm not a very confident person. I have said to him, I blame myself because I shouldn't have let you get so complacent but I thought it was all I deserved.

OP posts:
elly67jo · 04/03/2013 19:18

WT- the crap model is something I've started worrying about too. The kids know I'm not happy so it's not fair on them. I think I'm probably getting a bit depressed and maybe it's partly a mid life crisis but I see other couples doing things together and then I think it must be me. He did have a bit of a flirtation with someone younger at work a couple of years back although nothing actually happened so he is capable of something more. I've kept in good shape for my age so it must be me as a person he just can't be arsed with. It's not as if I'm looking for anything too dramatic either- a meal out without the kids, the occasional night away together.

BobbinUp · 04/03/2013 19:28

Another one here! Your post is particularly timely OP as have asked DH for a chat this evening. I've been struggling with work and young family (almost 4 and 2) and have had enough of distant DH.

Have been wondering if I have a touch of depression or if its a reaction to a fairly loveless life at the moment. Also my parents have very distant marriage and I desperately don't want that for my kids.

DH is firmly of the view that you have to make yourself happy, usually through physical activity! I just need a bit more love in my life I think and am struggling with deciding if life would be better solo or not... The thought of breaking up the family and separating them from a daddy they adore is awful though. Sometimes think they might be better together and I be the one to go...

Kione · 04/03/2013 19:32

WT my DP is exactly the same and now he got himself an alotment in another town!
Change, I tild him I was leaving. I was serious I showed him the flat I was going to rent. That snapped him.out of it and we did go out for lunch etc. but it feels a bit forced tbh

elly67jo · 04/03/2013 19:44

"but it feels a bit forced tbh"-that's exactly what I don't want, I'd rather not bother. I've got friends that I socialise with and enjoy the gym and running so I'm getting to the point of thinking, fuck it. I have a friend who has been dealing with an unhappy marriage by having an affair for the last 2 years. We all deal with crap in different ways I suppose.

elly67jo · 04/03/2013 19:46

"I just need a bit more love in my life I think"

I don't think that's too much to ask for, BU.

Toadspawn · 04/03/2013 19:59

I feel the same

Kione · 04/03/2013 20:22

Elly I know, what do you mean by fuck it? splitting up is so so hard when there ir kids Sad

Kione · 04/03/2013 20:23

is, I meant

elly67jo · 04/03/2013 20:47

Feel like running a mile sometimes but know I can't so I just get on with busy job, seeing friends etc. It's still lonely though. I've ended up being a cold bitch with him and I don't like me either now. Would love a new start but is impossible so in my more positive moods I think of all the people who'd be happy to settle for what I have and tell myself I'm an ungrateful cow. Jack Daniels helps too(smile)

happydotcom · 04/03/2013 23:11

I feel the same re my DH. We have a 2 yr old and it would break his heart if we split but I feel so lonely with him.

Original poster
WayneTait · 05/03/2013 00:31

Do you think they know? I honestly think he just doesn't get it. He thinks I'm 'needy'.

OP posts:
MidnightMasquerader · 05/03/2013 01:09

If he thinks you're needy, and it's such an effort for him to give you what you want out of a relationship, then maybe it's a 'simple' case of basic incompatibility. Maybe the longer you both go on trying to force a round peg into a square hole, you're just prolonging the unhappiness for everyone.

I'm not saying LTB necessary, but maybe have a think about what you both really want, and if you're currently getting that to a satisfactory level.

How much do you both even still like each other? I mean, it's easy enough to love someone you've spent so much time with and had kids with, but if you don't actually like each other all the much to want to hang out, and have a laugh with and shoot the breeze with, then what's the point?

Splitting up isn't the end of the world. I was on a thread just a couple of days ago where people were sharing their experiences of unhappily married parents who stayed together for the sake of their children, and it wasn't pretty. Some very unhappy people out there as a result of their parents not taking some tough decisions when their children were young.

MidnightMasquerader · 05/03/2013 01:12

Sorry, to clarify, the thread was adult MNers, sharing their experiences as chidren, growing up in homes with unhappily married parents. It's very, very difficult (impossible?) to avoid children picking up on these things.

Swipe left for the next trending thread