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Original poster

Not sure what to think about this, please help!

38 replies

NN99 · 04/03/2013 11:10

I've NC'd for this because I'd rather not have it associated with my normal account. I'll try to give all the info so as not to drip feed... Please stick with me!

DH and I are both 'reformed characters'. We met when both of us were in other, not-serious relationships and got together. We just clicked personality-wise and have been together ever since.

We got married in June, but haven't had sex since then. We're in our late twenties, and for reasons that I don't want to go into I don't like sex. Never have, never will. We have done it before, but not often. I just don't like physical contact much, really, and he's always been ok with this about me, and understood. Because, on the contrary, he has a high sex drive, we used to have an open relationship so that he could, ahem, fulfill those needs elsewhere... But we had a serious talk and we both agreed to close it when we got married. I have no doubt that he loves me and would do anything for me, but knew this was the most difficult area of our relationship for him. Still, he was willing to give it up for me, which must count for something, right?

Now I strongly suspect that he's struggling with it. He's an extremely flirty person, and is like that with all our friends, and I've never been the jealous type. But there's this one girl we're friends with, a bit younger than us, who's also in a long term relationship but I'm 80% sure they're fucking each other. I have no proof, it just feels...off. The way they are with each other. He doesn't flirt with her any more than our other friends, there's just like this look between them when they're talking to each other.

I don't know. And I don't know what to think or what to do. He loves me, but I just can't be there for him in that way. I was so sure when we closed our relationship that that would be the end of it, but I don't think it is anymore :(

Does anyone have any advice for me? I don't know what to do...

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/03/2013 11:16

"we used to have an open relationship so that he could, ahem, fulfill those needs elsewhere... But we had a serious talk and we both agreed to close it when we got married. "

Sadly, after setting the precedent that it was an open relationship, he's obviously decided that the 'serious talk' was just that... talk. You don't change someone's personality, behavioural traits or value system overnight and, if everyone was OK with it beforehand, old habits die hard.

Saying 'I love you' or saying 'I'll give up shagging around' is not enough grounds for a marriage sadly. It's potentially 50+ years of life together that you have committed to and, if you knew from the outset that you were fundamentally incompatible with something as basic as sex, then you were setting each other up to fail.

Best advice? Ask him a straight question and demand straight answers. Then be very honest with each other about what's possible. If you are incompatible it's best to cut your losses now rather than keep limping on making each other miserable or - worse - bringing DCs into the mess.

fluffyraggies · 04/03/2013 11:17

I am very sorry that you are feeling that he is cheating, and i'm sorry that something has happened to youto make you not want sex. If he is cheating, it is wrong of him ofcourse. Advice here about finding out for sure will range from snooping for a while, to asking him outright.

I am going to be blunt and say that i think it was naive to expect a person with a high sex drive to give up their sex life forever. It was a promise it was unwise of him to make.

It's ok that you don't want to go into why you don't want to have sex, here on this forum, but have you thought about having counceling about this issue in the long term?

fluffyraggies · 04/03/2013 11:18

x posts with cog.
She said it better! :)

Reality · 04/03/2013 11:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
NN99 · 04/03/2013 11:22

Reality basically, we don't not do anything ever, it's just really not often :(

OP posts:
Original poster
NN99 · 04/03/2013 11:30

I'm going to have to ask him about it, aren't I? I really don't want to.

OP posts:
fluffyraggies · 04/03/2013 11:34

You are going to have to ask him about it yes.

I think you are going to have to have a very calm talk about the agreements which you have made between you too, re: sex.

VoiceofUnreason · 04/03/2013 11:35

I think you were both very naive for late-20s and should not have got married. You clearly have a serious incompatibility and it is hugely unlikely that you will remain together for the next 40 years (because presumably when you got married you wanted it to be for life?).

I'm afraid that, sometimes, love isn't enough.

Having said that, it could just be a look. I have a female best friend and almost everyone who knows us says there is chemistry. People who meet us for the first time always assume we are a couple because of how we are with each other. Yet there is absolutely nothing there. We never flirt and never have. So what do others 'see'?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/03/2013 11:39

The real problem here is lack of trust. It could be as the PP says, 'just a look'. But you are clearly feeling insecure enough in yourself or the marriage and mistrusting enough of him to interpret that look as 80% proof of an affair. If your relationship had been more traditionally exclusive from the outset and if there wasn't a big sexual problem then the suspicion probably wouldn't be there.

Lack of trust is always the killer.

Original poster
NN99 · 04/03/2013 11:41

We are so utterly compatible in every other aspect, and love each other so much. I don't want to lose him, but I don't know what to feel about this. I feel like it's my fault, that I was stupid.

As far as I know everyone else just sees the same chemistry he has with other friends, only one person that I know of has expressed that it's a bit more intense with the 2 of them...

OP posts:
Reality · 04/03/2013 11:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/03/2013 11:47

We all love lot of people. But the thing that distinguishes best friends from lovers is very often - but not exclusively - the physical connection. It's not stupid to think you can build a marriage on an emotional connection and ignore the physical but it's a big ask. You may have set up the condition but he signed on the dotted line when he always had the option to say no. So if you discover there has been an affair then the fault is mostly with him.

Original poster
NN99 · 04/03/2013 11:57

This is horrible. I don't even know how to ask it. He'll probably just say he needs to go back to an open relationship to be totally happy :(

OP posts:
VoiceofUnreason · 04/03/2013 12:02

Reality - we don't know that, it's a big leap. And to simply say "if he loved you, the decision would be easy" is really very basic. My ex literally went off sex. She didn't have a high sex drive but basically later admitted she had never been at all sexual and pretty much 'bait and switched me' - once she got me, she eased it off and then eventually decided she wished to remain celibate. I loved her. So for four years I stayed. But the total lack of intimacy it caused eventually destroyed our relationship. To lie next to someone every day who literally doesn't want to be intimate with you can be incredibly soul destroying and kill your self-esteem. I didn't cheat but I did leave.

Now, the OP's situation is not the same, I agree, but to trot out "if he loved you" is a really weak card.

AnyFucker · 04/03/2013 12:02

And that is all he needs to do is it ?

Just "switch back" to the terms you had before ? He shags other women but comes home to you ?

How easy for him. Did he ever really even mean what he said in the first place. Whether he is shagging this one or not, you don't trust him an inch, do you ? And no wonder. Is that what you want ?

He really shouldn't have married you, love. And you shouldn't have listened to such easily-made, but utterly devoid of meaning, promises.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/03/2013 12:03

Have some confidence in yourself and start there. ... e.g. You didn't sign up for an open relationship when you got married, he made you promises and you strongly suspect he's welshing on the deal with this girl you know. How is he going to regain your trust?... Put the ball in his court.

Reality · 04/03/2013 12:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
NN99 · 04/03/2013 12:14

If he is sleeping with her I don't think he can regain my trust. It was a huge decision to close our relationship, he didn't take it lightly and I don't think he would've made those promises if he didn't think at the time that he could keep them... But at the same time, ugh. But then, I knew what he could be like when I married him. I can picture it now. He'll tell me how sorry he is, that he didn't think it would be this hard,t hat he can't help having needs etc etc :(

OP posts:
Original poster
NN99 · 04/03/2013 12:17

And the really sad part is he'll mean it. I just read that back and it sound slike I'm more than 80% sure, doesn't it?

OP posts:
Original poster
NN99 · 04/03/2013 12:17

FWIW I was actually fine with the open bit until we got more serious and decided to close it and get married. Which is clearly going to bit me in the arse if it hasn't already.

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VoiceofUnreason · 04/03/2013 12:19

Reality - I meant it was a leap to assume abuse. Not about him cheating or her (if he is, which we don't know) or that he was unreasonable in agreeing to something and then realising it wasn't for him. There was no element of abuse with regards to my ex.

badinage · 04/03/2013 12:26

I think the open relationship aspect is a red herring here. He got together with you when you were already in a relationship. This woman is also in a relationship. It might not be sex that motivates your husband, but sneaking around and having illicit secret relationships preferably with women who are also attached.

On the face of it, this could look like a person getting their sexual needs met but that might be a false trail entirely.

It could be that the safety of marriage will never meet your husband's needs entirely, whether you were having sex or not. Mainly because it's not forbidden and he is someone who gets off on secrets and deceit of people.

Original poster
NN99 · 04/03/2013 12:33

If he didn't love me surely he would've just gotten with someone who wanted that part of things...?

OP posts:
catlady1 · 04/03/2013 12:35

I don't know whether I'd go as far as to call it abuse but if he knew from the start that he wasn't willing to commit to the OP and all that comes with her, and promised to be faithful to her while intending to use her as someone to come home to while shagging about elsewhere, then that is definitely very cruel and disrespectful. And since he so readily agreed to and went ahead with the open relationship before they were married, he must have been aware of the fact that he would really struggle to keep it in his pants. Maybe he thought he could manage it, who knows, but he shouldn't have entered into marriage unless he was absolutely sure, and there's never any excuse for cheating or deceit. If he doesn't like it he can leave, rather than lying to his wife and ultimately making her look like a fool and feel shit about herself.

Original poster
NN99 · 04/03/2013 12:45

I really want to think I'm wrong about this.

OP posts: