Not sure what to think about this, please help!

[NN99]

I've NC'd for this because I'd rather not have it associated with my normal account. I'll try to give all the info so as not to drip feed... Please stick with me!

DH and I are both 'reformed characters'. We met when both of us were in other, not-serious relationships and got together. We just clicked personality-wise and have been together ever since.

We got married in June, but haven't had sex since then. We're in our late twenties, and for reasons that I don't want to go into I don't like sex. Never have, never will. We have done it before, but not often. I just don't like physical contact much, really, and he's always been ok with this about me, and understood. Because, on the contrary, he has a high sex drive, we used to have an open relationship so that he could, ahem, fulfill those needs elsewhere... But we had a serious talk and we both agreed to close it when we got married. I have no doubt that he loves me and would do anything for me, but knew this was the most difficult area of our relationship for him. Still, he was willing to give it up for me, which must count for something, right?

Now I strongly suspect that he's struggling with it. He's an extremely flirty person, and is like that with all our friends, and I've never been the jealous type. But there's this one girl we're friends with, a bit younger than us, who's also in a long term relationship but I'm 80% sure they're fucking each other. I have no proof, it just feels...off. The way they are with each other. He doesn't flirt with her any more than our other friends, there's just like this look between them when they're talking to each other.

I don't know. And I don't know what to think or what to do. He loves me, but I just can't be there for him in that way. I was so sure when we closed our relationship that that would be the end of it, but I don't think it is anymore :(

Does anyone have any advice for me? I don't know what to do...

If he didn't love me surely he would've just gotten with someone who wanted that part of things...?

Not necessarily. Maybe he's able to separate sex from love quite easily and you're more like-minded in this aspect than you think. You love him but you don't want sex with him and he loves you but doesn't want sex with you either. The difference between you might be that he still wants sex itself and he associates it with something that's forbidden and illicit and not part of a committed relationship.

So what do I do? Appareciate that he does love me like he says but that closing our relationship was a mistake, because he can't do without it? Do I ask, or just let him be? Do I feel bad, should I not? I'm so confused :(

Are you sure he IS doing anything or is it that the magnitude of what you've done is hitting home and you're starting to panic that he won't keep his promise? I know if I were in your shoes I would probably doubt my husband, with the best will in the world it's a big ask he's making of himself to be celibate FOR EVER. I think it's understandable you would wobble and wonder if he isn't having a physical relationship with someone. Talk to him about it - he might be able to reassure you.

I think this will come up again and again in your marriage tbh. I think you need some help to sort it out but not sure who could provide it...you could start with Relate or see if there is a private counsellor who can help you?

I feel like I know it in my gut. It's the way they look at each other, it's more than with other friends. There's something there.

Don't forget that if he is involved in a secret relationship he is lying to you and deceiving you. Don't lose sight of that while trying to find reasons for why he does it. Remember that although people might have good reasons for seeking sex, love or both from elsewhere, to do so and lie about it is still a grievous wrong.

So confront the situation and think about your boundaries. That might be to leave someone who's lied to you and deceived you, to forgive that and resolve the issues in your relationship or to reopen the marriage with strict boundaries around discretion and forming emotional bonds with others. If it's the latter, remember there's a risk that he will fall in love, others will fall in love with him and he might change his mind about staying in the marriage. There are no guarantees because people change and meet others who also invoke change.

But don't overlook cheating and dishonesty because those are discrete issues.

why on earth did you get married in the first place?

Bit harsh there, gymboywalton maybe because there's so much more to a relationship than sex??

"Do I ask, or just let him be? Do I feel bad, should I not? I'm so confused"

Bottom line is that what you wanted when you got married was what everyone ultimately wants i.e. a monogamous, faithful, exclusive relationship for life. It doesn't include sexual intercourse but that was an up-front arrangement that you both agreed to, rightly or wrongly.

He appears to have been unfaithful but, again like everyone else in your situation, the only way you'll know for sure is to ask and judge his reaction or dig about until you find some evidence.

The really crucial part is anticipating his reaction and knowing what you will do next. In other words, whether he says 'I didn't do it' or 'I did it' have your thoughts lined up in advance. That way you're less likely to be caught on the hoof and tempted to compromise.

NN99 - I don't think you should assume that because you have never enjoyed sex, you never will. Women's sexuality is enormously complex and varied and there are a lot of late developers about (and some women who only meet a tiny handful of men they feel sexually attracted to).

That aside, I think you're going to have to talk to your husband about this... whatever the situation with the other women (and it may just be a spark between them that hasn't developed into anything) something like that is bound to arise again if you stay married.

Well, gymboy may be harsh but i happen to agree.

You expected a man of this age to stay celibate forever? This was never going to happen. He shouldn't have married you under these conditions in the first place, granted, but this was never going to have a happy ending, sex wise.

Sorry I agree with Gymboy as well.

Yes there is more to marriage then sex. But you seem to saying that for you marriage is love and compainship (sp) but no sex and if your DH loved you then he would agree to no sex ever again.

But I would argue that if you loved him as much as you say you do why are not getting help for your issues so you can have a normal marriage with your DH.

there is more to marriage than sex like companionship and love ad trust but that is all pinned together by a physical relationship. I have many friends i love, who are fabulous companions etc etc but i wouldn't marry them because there is no physical elememnt to the relationship. You knew deep down that he needed a physical relationship because of the open aspect .
If you want to be celibate then marriage is not for you!

and tbh-to be so anti sex in your 20's suggests the need for extensive counselling or therapy.