Feels like I'm having an affair :-(

[Gotitwrong]

Hi..........MN was so helpful to me over last couple of years during my split and divorce that I thought I would see what words of wisdom come up this time!!
I have fallen head over heals in love :-)
Known him for 10 years - he left his wife 6 months before we got together (I wasn't involved in the breakup)
He had been vey unhappily married for many years but like a lot of us stayed for his children who he loves so much and is an amazing dad.
Our relationship went from 0 to 100 miles an hour very very quickly on account of our history and we are very much in love and he truly is my best friend and soulmate. My kids love him and are very happy that he is part of our lives. He has shown us all what love is and how to give and show love :-)
The problem that I have is that he has yet to tell his estranged wife and children about us. It's causing me pain and guilt because it makes me feel like we are having an affair if that makes sense???
I know her, I know his children and it is a very tricky situation. It feels like we are being devious. Our friends and family know all about us but not them.
He did try telling her about me a few months after we got together but she went mental telling him that if he did not stop seeing me then he would never see his kids. She said that she would take them abroad where her parents live - anything to make sure that I was never part of their life's. He got scared, so scared, panicked and told her that he wasn't seeing me anymore.
That was 6 months ago and since then she has calmed down and is letting him see the kids. But I am struggling with this situation. I feel like we are living a lie. I want to be a part of his kids life's too. When he is with them then we can't talk or text and in the school holidays we can't see each other or communicate for fear of being caught. My kids keep asking to see his kids and its becoming so difficult.
He keeps telling me that he will talk again with her and I trust him 100% that he will. I know her and know what she is like so feel his fear.
Should I just let my feelings drop and just continue to sit back and wait for him to choose when the time is right??
Or should I take time out from the relationship until such time that he has done what he needs to do for us to be fully out in the open???

Oh, meant to say that I'm sorry about your ex. He's not on his own, unfortunately. From my experience, as non-interested parents get older, they start becoming interested again... too little, too late, and they're the losers in the end.

What I don't get is why is she so adamant he can be with anyone but you? It suggests there's some history between you two prior to their separation otherwise why would she be so bothered about you in particular rather than any new partner?

I meant it should be applauded on here- a father who is prepared to make sacrifices for his dc's.

Unfortunately I think I've been to court more times than your average career criminal. Can't remember how many times in 2012- more than 5 as and I've been once in 2013 already. So I definately have recent experience.

I have the opposite problem to you op. An abusive, violent, personality disorder ex, who I've never stopped from seeing dd, but it's not enough. He wants longer time, changes in contact, added hols, penalties if dd misses any contact-even if she had a wedding to go too.

Fecking nightmare

oh op i really sympathise

no real advice i am afraid as was in similar position to you when first got with (now) DH....he didn't want to tell his exW he was with someone new as he thought she would make it difficult to see his DC

i think he told her after about 6 months (and about a year after their split) ....contact continued for a few months but then it got really nasty with her and long story short he no longer sees his DC because she has basically poisoned her against him :(

i really hope that you and your dp have a better outcome than this...iif you want to talk in more detail you are welcome to PM me as i am not sure that you will get much sympathy on here tbh

sadly there are a lot of awful mothers out there who use their dc as pawns to wreak revenge on their exes.

Two things which strike me, and apologies if they have been written before.

If you have known each other so long and hung out as family friends, is his ExW perhaps aware that there was an attraction there long before the marriage fell apart. I know that things did not happen for some time, but if there were seeds of an attraction between you and him, perhaps she felt it then. She may have noticed some flirting etc which made her uneasy at the time. This might be partly why she is so against you being with her ExH. In her mind, there may be more history than just the recent relationship.

Also, if you are saying that you know his DCs and see them, I don't think for a moment that they will not have said anything to her about you being together. Children are often very blunt so I doubt whether she is unaware of you in the mix. It doesn't sound realistic.

This is much more tangled than a recent, new relationship.

Sorry, I should add that the court started in 2002. And that we have had 6 carcass officers and even been sent to Liverpool court at some points cos our local court said it was too complicated to deal with for them.

We have also done both county and magistrates as he tried to get an enforcement order on me.

So it is quite extensive-my experience. Un-fucking-fortunately

I think what you're confirming though Sassy is that the law does take children's rights to see their father seriously - even totally unreasonable ones like your ex, for which you have my complete sympathy!

Which is why it is so ridiculous when ill-informed people claim that the reason they or their partners don't see their children is because the law is weighted against fathers or that ex-wives have more power than a family court. Some people (not necessarily the OP either) would rather blame anyone or anything else than face up to the fact that they are partnered with a man who shirks his fathering responsibilities.

I guess we just see it differently badinage which makes the world board more interesting.

I don't think they have took my child's rights into consideration very much at all. They have however pandered to his every whim although apart from appealing and winning parental responsibility, he has never ever got what he wanted.

Not to be pedantic, but how has he shirked his responsibilities?

Who?

I wasn't referring to your ex, who although sounds like a nightmare isn't shirking his responsibilities regarding contact. What I suspect he is doing is making this battle all about him and his rights, with no thought to what his children might want from family life. And this is typical of parents who think it's all about their rights and not the children's.

What I'm pointing out is that the law doesn't discriminate against fathers as much as people seem to think. In fact in your case it has as you say, pandered to his every whim without applying a common-sense approach to what was best for the child at the centre of the case.

I'm incredibly sceptical about fathers who blame ex-wives for not seeing their children and who do absolutely nothing legally to assert their children's rights, relying on myths that family law is weighted against fathers. Your story if anything disproves that myth.

As regards the OP's partner, I'd advise him to sort out a residency agreement quickly and to stop lying to his ex wife about a relationship that is none of her business.

I must say that I really am surprised at how many people seem to be judging both me and my partner !!!
Yes we have known each other for a long time but not once did either of us have any attraction to each other. We were friends and nothing more. When we did get together it came as a shock to both of us!!!
His boys want to see more of him and he wants to see more of them.
It is his ex that is stopping that access and he is doing something about that through the proper channels.
My question to you all was really should we break off our relationship until his divorce and access is sorted????
If so then do you not think it is unfair that she can continue on her new relationship, stop their boys seeing their dad more often just because he too has found a new partner.
She is angry that it is me "just because" - her words not mine!!
Everyone was shocked when we got together as there was no flirting, no affair, nothing until 6 months after he left!!!

I can't really get my head around being 'shocked' at starting a relationship. You describe this as though it was an act of god like a tsunami or some other natural disaster

Lots of posters have answered your question and there's a range of different views. Mine is that your partner needs to get a residency agreement and stop lying about his relationship with you. Until he does that, yes if I were you I'd back off.

But if you're in this for the long haul and you intend to be a step-parent to this woman's children, it's in everyone's interests that you stop saying things like she's 'cold' and 'has no love in her' and for you to try to build an at least civil relationship with her. You clearly dislike this woman who was your friend for 10 years and she apparently dislikes you (though it's not clear whether this is just your partner saying this or whether you've talked to her yourself) but you do need some level of communication if you're going to build a blended family.

I wouldn't cool my relationship if it was me. I would just keep it discreet until there was a contact order in place.

I have not said she was my friend - we worked together and the company was small but social and a lot of out of work activities took place with partners and families.
She was not well liked when we did work together because she was brash, difficult to talk to and to be honest rude and unkind towards a lot of people.
She ended up getting the sack because of it!!!
I cannot see her ever being civil towards me and yes that worries me when there are children involved.
She can't even be civil to the father of her children and he has and is continuing to and always will fully support her financially.
He is a good man, a great dad and all he wants to do is see more of his kids.
So I thank you all for taking the time to post. I will think about what you have said. If it is for the best for his kids that I end things whilst he is dealing with the divorce and custody then I will.
They are lucky to have such a loving dad who wants to see them. I know they want to see him more - it's not just him telling me that but his friends and family too. Incidentally the people in RL who know us and knew them as a couple fully support us and are glad that we have now found love together which was something that we both lacked in our respective marriages.

So how were you friends with her husband enough to know him as well as you claimed for 10 years, if you weren't friends with his wife and disliked her?

Did you mean that you were infrequent social acquaintances rather than friends?

My question to you all was really should we break off our relationship until his divorce and access is sorted????

Yes I do.

If so then do you not think it is unfair that she can continue on her new relationship, stop their boys seeing their dad more often just because he too has found a new partner.

It's not about being fair - life isn't fair. It's about him being able to concentrate on sorting this mess out. At the moment, you are an added complication he doesn't need. If you are "Very much in love" and "soul mates" then you can start up again free of this hassle.

Hi OP

I think title of your post has provoked at least some of the negativity you have received on here.

If I was you I would probably back off and let them sort it out between them to do the best thing for their kids.

If your relationship is strong enough it will weather the storm and survive, but at the moment it should probably take a back seat. Its up to him to make the effort to resolve matters.

Good luck x