Feels like I'm having an affair :-(

[Gotitwrong]

Hi..........MN was so helpful to me over last couple of years during my split and divorce that I thought I would see what words of wisdom come up this time!!
I have fallen head over heals in love :-)
Known him for 10 years - he left his wife 6 months before we got together (I wasn't involved in the breakup)
He had been vey unhappily married for many years but like a lot of us stayed for his children who he loves so much and is an amazing dad.
Our relationship went from 0 to 100 miles an hour very very quickly on account of our history and we are very much in love and he truly is my best friend and soulmate. My kids love him and are very happy that he is part of our lives. He has shown us all what love is and how to give and show love :-)
The problem that I have is that he has yet to tell his estranged wife and children about us. It's causing me pain and guilt because it makes me feel like we are having an affair if that makes sense???
I know her, I know his children and it is a very tricky situation. It feels like we are being devious. Our friends and family know all about us but not them.
He did try telling her about me a few months after we got together but she went mental telling him that if he did not stop seeing me then he would never see his kids. She said that she would take them abroad where her parents live - anything to make sure that I was never part of their life's. He got scared, so scared, panicked and told her that he wasn't seeing me anymore.
That was 6 months ago and since then she has calmed down and is letting him see the kids. But I am struggling with this situation. I feel like we are living a lie. I want to be a part of his kids life's too. When he is with them then we can't talk or text and in the school holidays we can't see each other or communicate for fear of being caught. My kids keep asking to see his kids and its becoming so difficult.
He keeps telling me that he will talk again with her and I trust him 100% that he will. I know her and know what she is like so feel his fear.
Should I just let my feelings drop and just continue to sit back and wait for him to choose when the time is right??
Or should I take time out from the relationship until such time that he has done what he needs to do for us to be fully out in the open???

I am sorry. You sound a like a love struck teen with blighted rose tinted glasses.

You need to calm down. You need to slow down. You need to listen to Cogito and the wise posters here.

This is not about how much you love and adore him and what a perfect dad he is. This is about him and his family and his relationship break down, and you need to step out and let him deal with this.

The whole thing reads to me like a seeping infected wound that you (both) keep scratching.

OP - he's been unhappily married but muddling through for years, from what you've said, I'd assume the full 10 years you've known him, possibly longer. Then in the space of only 1 year, because he has made the decision to end the relationship, you think she should have got over it and be happy with the relationship ending.

He might have been miserable, but she might not have been. If he didn't leave her for someone else, she might have spent that first 6 months really hoping he was just having some sort of mid-life crisis and would come back to her. especially if in that time he didn't start divorce proceedings. a lot of couples have split up for a few months then got back together. It's very, very common. Amongst my parents generation, I know 3 couples where the man walked out in his mid-late 40s (without it being for another woman) but then were back together within a few months and 20 years on are facing a happy retirement together. She will have also heard these stories.

so if in her mind this was a 'wobble' in an otherwise ok relationship, you will seem like the other woman. Or your relationship being discussed forcing her to face that he means it, it is over. He really doesn't want her. That is hard to face.

Realistically, it's going to be tough between now and his divorce and child access being finalised. The best thing you can do is step away and be one less complication in his life. You might find your relationship's long term future much more secure if you stop being involved in this stage, but you are someone he starts seeing again once his life is sorted.

oh and she might have 'moved on' and got soemone else, but that doesn't mean she doesn't want her H back! It doesn't mean she's not really hurting at the massive insult that a man walking out on you after decade(s) together is, remember, he didn't leave for someone else, he didn't have an outside 3rd party to blame, the only person who she can look to in this is herself, her DH rejected her. That's very hard to deal with emotionally, particularly if she loves him still.

Cut her some slack, and give him the space to get his life sorted. Your relationship will have a better chance of survival if you aren't the person he leans on for support during his divorce.

You know what doesn't add up - the fact that she has supposedly made this threat over six months ago and he STILL hasn't gone through the legal channels to sort it out. Why on earth not if you thought this was such a realistic threat and you are such a 'great dad'?

Also the fact that others are aware means that she probably knows herself already. These things have a way of getting out.

I smell bullshit.

The other thing is that you want to be involved with his children. Maybe he doesn't actually want you to be. It seems as if you are trying to move things on at a great rate of knots and play happy families. What if his children don't like you or want their time with their dad to be about just him and them?

You don't have the right to be so damn pushy.

I think he is paving the way to let you down gently.

So you have known him and his ex wife for years. When did you and he become 'soulmates' (I hate that expression!), was it 6 months after the divorce or did you have a connection before? I'm not accusing you of being the OW but maybe the feelings were there before and she saw that and saw you as a threat while they were married. The fact that he has conveniently ended up with you makes her feel (rightly or wrongly) that you somehow attributed to his leaving the marriage.

This could be why she is so against you.
I'm not saying she is right but just looking at it from her POV.
I agree that you should walk away and let him deal with all this as the last thing you want is to be the obstacle to him seeing his dc - if that happens you won't be 'soulmates' for long.

Thank you all for your advice.
He has been for legal advice and they are in the midst of divorce procedures. It was his decision to leave although they were both unhappy in their marriage. She had told me that herself before they separated.
As I have already said they were two people who ultimately fell out of love with each other.
Someone has to leave.
He left in order to keep the boys in their own home.
She allows him one night during the week and one at the weekend.
But up until just recently it was only one night at the weekend.
I think that their divorce is going to be a long drawn out one because although he is happy to give her everything financially he is not happy with the amount of time that he is currently allowed to see his children.
I am far from pushy. He wants me to be involved in their life's.
her new partner is involved in their life's and he accepts that.
It's always hard explaining things on a forum like this - I am most certainly not some loved up teenager with rose tinted glasses. I am fully aware what a mess this is. But it does seem a tad unfair for her to be happy with her life moving forward with her new partner yet she is unable to accept that he has moved on too!!!

Why hasn't he got a residency agreement?

Why do you believe these myths about his wife being able to leave the country and ban the children from seeing him?

Do you understand that this about the children's rights and not his wife's or his?

I'm quite shocked at some of the responses. I could understand if she'd only just met the guy and didn't know his ex, then our guess at what might have gone on' would be as good as hers.

But she has known him/her for 10 years, and although she obviously doesn't know everything that went on, I'm assuming he didn't lie throughout the whole 10 years they were friends, on the off chance he might eventually get in her knickers.

I think some are projected how they would feel if their ex had a new gf after 6months and was making demands to see the children.

I don't think his ex has any right to be settled in a new relationship, with a man that the children has met but refuse the same for her husband. Regardless of how / why they split up.

However I don't think the op has any right to demand to see the children either. If his ex is threatening to stop him seeing them if he is with you, I would back off and let him get on with getting a court contact agreement.

And I don't think it's necessarily odd that he hasn't got a contact order. If I split up with my do, he wouldn't need to get one as he could have reasonable access at anytime. Not everyone goes through the courts, a helluva lot of separations are amicable.

projecting

dp

I am not demanding anything!!
Nor do I think I have the right to see his boys!!
I was asking advice as to whether to just back off and let him get this sorted or whether to stay with him whilst he deals with telling his ex and his kids about us!!!
I have three kids and kids come first. You only have to read all my threads going back to 2011 to realise how much putting kids first always has been and always will be paramount!!!
My children adapted so well to him coming into our life's. don't forget they knew him too before we got together.
However I was on my own for over a year before we got together. He left his wife 1 year ago which means that his children and wife have had a year without him in their life's on a day to day basis.
She has a new partner.
The point is we both feel uneasy about his ex and kids not knowing about us...........
But don't flame him for being scared to tell her!!!

Sorry, OP, he's pathetic for not telling her. She is the mother of his children and his current wife pending the divorce.

Why, if you accept that things are not hunky-dory regarding access to children, has your partner not immediately put in the safeguards to ensure his children can see him? This is a fair question, only you can't answer it - he must - to you.

That is the reason why you can't be 'in the open'. Your partner is cowardly because his ex knows about you anyway. I wouldn't be happy with this in your position, I'd deserve better - and so do you. Not to be treated like a dirty little secret.

Apart from the knowing him for 10 years part - I could have written this post myself.
Unfortunately, I've given up waiting for him to sort things out.
His DW is totally unreasonable about the kids but then he is not willing or strong enough to stand up to her.
Soooo, it's over for me and not because of that, there is a whole history going on here but that's a whole other thread.
Having said that - if you love him and are happy in the relationship otherwise then I'm not sure it should matter if you are part of DCs lives just yet.
It will come in time. Some things take longer than others.
Good luck.

Yes but making threats to leave the country and not allowing an ex to see the children (allegedly) is in no way 'amicable' and so as soon as that tone is set, a responsible parent would set in motion the protection of his children's rights to see him.

He wouldn't I'd suggest, lie to his co-parent that he wasn't seeing a woman she allegedly dislikes and doesn't want her children around. If there was nothing about his partner that could possibly be interpreted as potentially harmful to his children he would resist interference about his personal relationships and ensure that his children got the right to see him as much as they wanted.

I'm not an ex wife and I'm happily married to my children's father, but I get so pissed off with women believing men's pisspoor excuses for not standing up for their children's rights and blaming other women for the abject failings of fathers. Also women who blame other women for why a man won't commit to them properly and who want an ex-wife to take the rap for that.

These lies about residence and children's rights are so easily exposed by a simple internet search and yet some women prefer to believe the unbelievable and demonise another woman rather than facing the truth about a weaselly, untruthful man. That does make me angry, especially when I see the fall-out in children whose fathers have just backed off and not enforced their rights on their behalf.

Oops, and here was me thinking I was more on your side than most!

It's the way I write. I didn't mean that you are actually demanding it. I meant that you would have no place to do so. (In the general sense) Iyswim.

Good post badinage.

Perhaps you'll start to see this more clearly OP if you imagined a situation where your ex had refused to let your children see you as often as they wanted to, because he disliked your current partner. Then threatened to leave the country with the children if your personal relationship continued.

What would you have done?

Gone to court?

Or acquiesced, failed to enforce your children's rights, lied to him about your relationship and treated your partner like a dirty little secret that had to be hidden away?

Which would be the actions of a decent mother and a trustworthy character?

I don't know the situation anymore than anyone else, so I'm only playing devils advocate.

Why is the automatic assumption that the ex is untarnished, the new woman is being lied to and the man is a piss poor excuse?

What if the ex has a jealous nature, has never liked the new woman, because she is younger/slimmer/prettier/smarter/outgoing etc. And the man hasn't got additional *money to go to court, so is waiting for the divorce proceedings to do it all at once?

*I see a helluva lot of postings that I presume are from lucky people to whom money is no object-get a solictor-put it on a credit card-hire a cleaner/nanny. I can't do any of those things, so I understand that cost is sometimes an issue, and before I get legal aid as an objection, I had a lowly paid job years ago £11,000 in 2003 and legal aid was stopped.

badinage I think if her ex had done that, we would all be saying he is abusive, not -he obviously has a good reason for not liking your new partner and you are a poor excuse for a mum/partner for not fighting him in court by now.

It sounds like you all knew each other before he split from his wife? Presumably therefore, you move in similar circles? If so, and all your family and friends know about you, it's only a matter of time before she finds out anyway.

As others have said she doesn't get to chose if he has access to his DC. He needs to sort out the residency now and tell her. You need to back away until it's all sorted out. Then you'll find out how important to him you really are.

No-one is saying (I think) that exes aren't sometimes abusive and unreasonable. But that's why there is family law to protect children's rights to see both parents. One of the reasons why I want the OP to reverse this is because few women would give up their children's rights to see their mother and yet society - and new female partners - seem to tolerate fathers doing just that, making excuses about an ex's psychotic tendencies, or expounding myths and lies about the ex's rights.

This man is already allegedly using the legal system to go through a divorce and so a residency agreement should have been the first step once idle threats were made. Such a residency agreement is standard practice in a divorce settlement and doesn't have to cost the earth.

Thing is in an ideal world one would go to court, get an agreement in place and the ex would agree to it.
However In the real world the parent with residency calls all the shots and if she does leave the country or move away then the father will have a hell of a job getting access to his dc.
That's the reality. Contact orders can be broken and by the time it has gone back to court the ex could be anywhere.
Aside from this take into account the expense and stress involved for the dc and I can easily see why many men don't fight for their dc in court.

I agree flurp its easy to say men have rights etc, but as a judge once said to me, if a women is determined enough, there isn't much they can do.

I see nothing about the op's post where he is willing to lose contact with his dc's. If the op says he is paying more than the basic and has moved out of the house for his dc's to stay there with their DM, then I think he should be applauded-because it's the 1st such man I've come across on these relationship boards.

I don't think any less of a man who is trying to keep the peace in the meantime, and carrying on seeing his DC,s, even if that means keeping quiet or even lying to do so. It's the op's choice whether she can live with that.

This is tough!!!
I have an ex husband who lives 5 mins away with his girlfriend and who couldn't give a stuff about seeing his three kids.
Once every other sat night and that's it.
I've begged him to see them more.
He couldn't care less and I see the pain it has caused my kids and still is causing although they seem to have accepted how he can't be bothered.
And then we have a man who is desperate to see more of his kids whose is being prevented from doing so.
Just imagine how much worse it will be when he tells her about us.
She is not a nice person that's all I can say and I don't want to make it worse for him that's all :-(

Well, Gotitwrong, I've gone back to your OP and it seems like you've answered your own question. If things are on an even keel and you can copie with the status quo, then... do. There's nothing else to be done, is there? It's for your partner to do whatever needs to be done anyway - you're free to do what you want.

I don't think we should 'applaud' men for being fathers and paying their share of what children actually cost, rather than the bare mimimum. Comparing this with more feckless fathers who couldn't give a damn and pay as little as they can get away with seems like a race to the bottom to me when we ought to have just the same expectations of fathers as we have of mothers.

The question you can't seem to answer OP is why your partner hasn't sought a proper residency agreement so that his children can see him as often as they want now and in the future. As often happens with these situations, the focus seems to be more on his rights and his ex wife denying them, when actually we're talking about the children's rights to see both parents, one parent allegedly denying them and the other acquiescing to the bullying and telling lies rather than confronting the situation head on and putting his children first.

Family law has changed a great deal in recent years and it's changing even more in the future. Yet a lot of posters and individuals who haven't had any recent dealings with it seem to believe that it's still about mothers' unassailable rights when that's really not the case any longer. Unfortunately these myths are still so firmly rooted that unscrupulous parents are allowed to get away with making groundless threats and unscrupulous NRPs are not challenged when they fail to assert their children's rights or lie to a partner about why they haven't fulfilled their parental obligations.