Gambling

[nicecupotea]

I need some advice [well support really if I'm honest]
My husband is effectively bankrupt. Mostly due to gambling and some serious spending. We have come very close to losing our home a couple of times.I have stuck it out for a good few years now and we have managed to keep our home. My husband has been unemployed for a couple of years now and there isn't much chance of him getting a job because of his age.I am self employed and work long hours. I am tired and stressed and extremely resentful.
When he initially told me about his gambling debts he said he would do everything in his power to make it up to me. He hasn't.
Instead he has moaned, sulked and generally been an arrogant swine for years. I am sick of it.
We had a row [one of many] today about teabags. He had yet again bought the most expensive brand when we agreed in Jan to cut our food spending.
He says he understands how much pressure I'm under and worries about me but when it comes to spending he just seems to think there is an unlimited pot. I am at my wits end. He behaves like a 4yr old,
Our marriage is a sham, we argue all the time. I dislike him. I cannot remember the last time we had sex.
I simply don't know what to do anymore. I have shouted, begged, pleaded with him to support me more. But he doesn't seem able. I feel like I am his mum.
I don't know what to do. I have a 15 yr old son. He is v. bright and doing amazingly well at school. He has spent all day in his room. It makes me sad. I
can't do this anymore.
My husband told me a few months ago that he admits he has got complacent as I have been 'so strong' and 'made things ok and safe.' My answer was: 'Who makes it safe for me?'

Nice - please use that strength - get an appointment with CAB.

I looked in 'browsing history' a couple of days ago to find that he was still looking at all the gambling sites. He has just changed the settings so that I can't see it anymore. I am not computer savvy. I don't know how to change it back. He is in the kitchen as we speak, telling me that I am destroying my son and if he fails his exams, it will be my fault.
Manipulating, I'll say.
I think it's time I gave my husband a short, sharp shock.
Whatdya say girls?

Go for it !

You will need to stop listening to this bullshit your h keeps spouting. Stop listening, and stop believing. Of course it is in his interests to cast you as mental, and to blame you. Doesn't mean any of it is true. Sorry, just a repeat of what I said earlier, but thought might be worth repeating.

I know you want to get him to at least acknowledge...but honestly, he will not, so don't bother. Use all your energy to get what you want for you and your son.

How fucking dare he accuse you of destroying your son? What a load of old cock. He will say anything rather than take any responsibility.

Short sharp shock, yes, if it will get you where you want to be. You don't like him, anyway. So just do what you need to do.

WISHING YOU THE VERY BEST OF LUCK AND ALL THE STRENGTH YOU NEED XXXX

I have just asked him 'why do you feel the need to look at gambling sites if you are not gambling?' His answer: 'What else am I going to do with my time?'
Says it all really doesn't it.

Yes.

Scarlet, just that one word was enough.
The hotel is booked, I have told him that the divorce papers are in the post. I He told me this afternoon that he was still looking at racing websites because 'he has nothing else to do in the evenings when I go to bed.' I go to bed at 9pm as I have to get up at Dawn's crack and have a heavy workload.
Last night he was nonchalantly making his bacon sarnie.
Tonight he looks like a scared rabbit in the headlights.
I have been threatening a weekend away for ages. Like someone else said, if you keep threatening and do nothing, he is always going to think you don't mean it.
I mean it this time.
And I feel strangely empowered.

WOOHOO!

Go Girl. At last you grew a spine and pissed on his bonfire (now piss on his computer too for good measure)

He has been acting like an entitled child for too long because you have allowed him to so we are all proud of you for putting an end to his abuse.

I really hope you have the strength to carry it through and give him exactly what he deserves.

Good. Get yourself off to a hotel and enjoy some YOU time at long last.

Another person rooting for you...

Excellent.

Good for you, enough really is enough.

You are right, enough really is enough.
I cannot tell you how much strength I have got from posting on here. thankyou all so much.
I have told him that I will NOT do this anymore.What usually happens is that he carries on making dinner as if everything is fine while I cry myself to sleep. Then I calm down. Then we return to normal.
I poured the coffee all over the kitchen and said 'smell it honey!' He is still cleaning up the granules.
I have told him that the next time he complains of being bored in the evening, he will spend his evening gathering his teeth from the floor.
I have broken down with colleagues this morning. I have held this in for toooo long [I am self-employe but still have colleagues, can't tell you what I do though as don't want to be identified]
I have told husband that we are at crisis point and that this time things WILL be different.
I told my colleague today that last night I came close to clumping him one. That concerns me alot. I am scared that my anger will spill out all over the place. I have told husband that he either shapes his ideas up or takes the chance that I get done for domestic violence.
I am going to take control now.
He has laughed at me for the last time.

Oh dear. I'm saddened to read that it appears you intend to give him yet another chance because he is not going to change his spots in this lifetime.

He may spruce up his act to give the appearance of 'changing his ways' but, to coin a phrase, like a priest with a pornographic book, he'll be looking and longing on the sly for the gee gees and any other moving creature/object which gamblers bet on.

IMO you'd have done better to have told him to be gone by the time you return from your weekend break and it's to be hoped you'll upgrade your ultimatum to one of finality rather than granting him further opportunity to take the piss.

Staying with this theme, while your at it, it seems to be you'd also be best advised to chuck out the coffee granules and start tasting the real thing

it seems to be?? 'it seems to me

Taking control does not involve threatening him, it involves taking action. I think your desire to hurt him back for all that you have put up with is clouding your better judgement. Hopefully when you have had a break this weekend you will see you are better off apart.

So no CAB, no solicitor and now you are threatening violence towards him. You are not taking control. The pair of you are playing games. Grow up. Do you really want your son to see the pair of you behaving like immature teenagers.

I have told him that the divorce papers are in the post

Are they though?

"I am scared that my anger will spill out all over the place."

Channel the anger into positive action rather than lashing out and you'll find it is a huge source of energy and strength. What's your next constructive step going to be?