Gambling

[nicecupotea]

I need some advice [well support really if I'm honest]
My husband is effectively bankrupt. Mostly due to gambling and some serious spending. We have come very close to losing our home a couple of times.I have stuck it out for a good few years now and we have managed to keep our home. My husband has been unemployed for a couple of years now and there isn't much chance of him getting a job because of his age.I am self employed and work long hours. I am tired and stressed and extremely resentful.
When he initially told me about his gambling debts he said he would do everything in his power to make it up to me. He hasn't.
Instead he has moaned, sulked and generally been an arrogant swine for years. I am sick of it.
We had a row [one of many] today about teabags. He had yet again bought the most expensive brand when we agreed in Jan to cut our food spending.
He says he understands how much pressure I'm under and worries about me but when it comes to spending he just seems to think there is an unlimited pot. I am at my wits end. He behaves like a 4yr old,
Our marriage is a sham, we argue all the time. I dislike him. I cannot remember the last time we had sex.
I simply don't know what to do anymore. I have shouted, begged, pleaded with him to support me more. But he doesn't seem able. I feel like I am his mum.
I don't know what to do. I have a 15 yr old son. He is v. bright and doing amazingly well at school. He has spent all day in his room. It makes me sad. I
can't do this anymore.
My husband told me a few months ago that he admits he has got complacent as I have been 'so strong' and 'made things ok and safe.' My answer was: 'Who makes it safe for me?'

Our marriage is a sham, we argue all the time. I dislike him. I cannot remember the last time we had sex.

Says it all, op. It sounds as though you have been very strong throughout. Now it's time to use that strength to get a better life for you and your son.

You will need to stop listening to this bullshit your h keeps spouting. Stop listening, and stop believing. Of course it is in his interests to cast you as mental, and to blame you. Doesn't mean any of it is true.

Wishing you strength. Very best of luck.

Nice I understand where you come from with regards the embarrisment.

I was married to a guy who under the circumstances at the time I never ever ever thought would do the things he did.

I was in hospital with our daughter who was terminally ill, he was having an affair with my best mate, I found out years after we split, she told me over msn one day his excuse was he was bored and wasnt getting any attention.

I found out only 2 years ago that when we were divorcing he had hid all the money from a property sale in the caymen islands, we had been divorced nearly 10yrs back then, I am finding stuff out all the time even now.
Am I embarrised? not now no because a normal empathetic human being wouldnt have this sort of behaviour going on and think of themselves.

Some peoples behaviour is so foreign to us that we sometimes think we have missheard or misread the situation when the truth is that they are just rotten individuals who will carry on till the day they die, my ex does this even now.
With every thing that I still find out now, you know what I am still a little surprised when really I should'nt be, he wont change, the only thing I can change is my reaction to the never ending revelations.

I got out and found that reality does exist in the form of a genuine man who is now my 2nd husband, he knows everything and doesnt bat an eyelid when I say I still have that 1% expectation of the other shoe dropping and be let down, he understands this as self preservation and doesnt question it.
There is better out there, when your in the middle of a shit storm it is very hard to see outside of it, one day you will, but the first step can be scary and you have no one to believe in at first other than yourself, but hey youve all you have at the moment, and you seem to be doing a stirling job none the less.

take a leap of faith and put some feelers out for some support, you cant be an island for ever on your own, it gets really lonely, but you already know that dont you. x

Thankyou Scarlet.
I am upstairs in my room. My son is in his room. Husband is downstairs.
I thought if I could just get him to acknowledge.
I have told him that it isn't the debts I have a problem with. I can deal with pretty much anything.
It is his 'the world owes me a living attitude.' I have been telling him for years that he needs to stop spending money. He didn't listen and now he just sulks like it's my fault.

Guiltypleasures. My loneliness threatens to overwhelm some days. He has let me down so monumentally and I sometimes feel it is my fault for allowing it to happen.

Oh love your caring and compassionate your trying to empathise and reason with someone who is telling you he doesnt either recognise it or is irritated that you feel he needs it. Somewhere on here someone said he is telling you who he is, you are not listening to him, and this is what I am saying to you.

He is telling you he wont change because he doesnt see a problem, you may as well go and talk to a brick wall. your son and yourself should think about moving on, and leave him to meet all these women he speaks of who would except this as normal and would put up with this.

We know they dont exist, dont be the exception be the rule.

"I thought if I could just get him to acknowledge"...Nice, I think that if you can accept that he will NEVER acknowledge any of his horrible behaviour, you will find it easier to move on with your life, which is what you have to do, otherwise he will drag you down for good. You are trying to apply standards of reasonableness to someone who gambles away your family's security, blames you for his actions and then laughs in your face. He is pretty despicable. Try to see him for what he is and get him out of your life and your son's. He will not change.

When I tell him I can't cope, need support, need him to at least try and understand why his behaviour is so objectionable, he just laughs at me

And you tolerate this odious man because... ?

I think the situation is really affecting my son now And I think your son has been adversely affected by this man's disrespect of both of you for a very long time and instead of 'hanging on' until he's completed his GCSEs, you should get this twat out of your home now as the sense of relief your ds will experience will be of immense benefit to his studies.

The bottom line is your h's behaviour is not reasonable and you are not being reasonable to your ds in allowing this appalling state of affairs to continue for a minute longer than necessary.

Book an appointment with a solicitor who specialises in divorce as a matter of urgency and begin the process to get this leech removed before he sucks the life blood out of you.

Nice, I meant to add: none of this is your fault! Please don't feel guilty for trying to act decently and being supportive of him over the years. He is a complete swine for throwing your goodwill back in your face and laughing all the way into bankruptcy.

You say you cant 'leave now as you dont want to end up with nothin'

Exactly what have you got now that you wont have later if you leave?, Stress, hardship, intolerable atomosphere, no sex life, a stressed teenager. If thats what leaving would mean missing out on then why arent you both out of that door this minute?

He wont/cant change. He's projecting all of his failings and inadequacies straight back to you and you are making excuses for him and letting him get away with it!

How many last chances has he had? and every time you've jsyt carried on the same again?

Age is not really a barrier to getting a job unless he is being picky about what job he does. B&Q often recruit retired people as do Tesco, Asda etc. Might be high flying, executive pay but in his situation he has not right to turn anything down. He should be scrubbing toilets with a toothbrush 16 hours a day to repay all your loyalty and financial support ove the past years. I have never been out of work despite being made redundant 11 times sacked several times but always just took the first job offered til a better one came along, dustman, street sweeper, factory line worker, anything to support my family.

He sounds like an entitled, arrogant, pathetic manchild.

DTF.

i went back to work as a waitress aged 40. I always said I would do whatever it takes for my son. and I meant it.
My husband was supposedly looking for jobs, I found out months later that he was only looking for jobs that pay a certain amount.
He wouldn't admit this of course.
He lies to me, constantly. I don't like him.
He is currently downstairs giving me his ernest 'I 'm so concerned about my wife look.' He is apparently 'looking for help' on the internet. Very soon he will become tired of this and put the telly on.
My son has gone to his girlfriend's house.
i think we have reached crisis point

Looking for 'help'? Nah. He's looking at the geegees on t'internet and wondering how best he can encourage them to cross the finishing line in his preferred order...

Now your ds is out of earshot why not go downstairs and give him your most earnest 'I'm so concerned about myself look' as you tell him to pack a bag and fuck off leave tonight or you'll pack one for him and change the locks tomorrow.

Btw, if he should kick off when you tell him to begone, foul pest sling his hook, simply call 999 and ask the police to remove him from your home.

he has told me that he has been to gamblers anonymous in the past. 'Why would you do that' I ask? you have always told me it's just a hobby.
It became a hobby afterwards he says.
This man really is in denial isn't he? It's only when I write it down that I see clearly.

He is looking for a site that tells him he is justified in everything he does but of course he will never find it. You've been given some great advice, don't waste anymore time on him. People telling to leave are wrong, he must leave because if you left him in the house he will get loans secured on it and will then gamble that away leaving your son and you with nothing. I agree tell him he has to go, your life will be stress free. He gives you nothing but will take everything till you have nothing more to give.

He is totally deluded and the reason he does it is because he can. There are no consequences.

It's not you that needs to leave, it's him. If you left, he couldn't pay the bills. I think a session with a family law solicitor to discuss (a) how to end the marriage and (b) how to get him to leave, would be a good investment.

Is he the father of your son?

He isn't the father of my son, no. However he has effectively brought him up as his own for 12 yrs ish. My son calls him 'dad.'
He has just told me that I am going to lose my son, that he won't want to be with me if we split up. I know it is emotional blackmail.
I am going to stay in a hotel at the weekend. I have been threatening to for ages. Would go now but duty calls in the morning.
Ever the trooper, that's me.
Paint on that smile and laugh through adversity.

He is making a bacon sandwich. Seems somehow trite for him to do that. That's what he always does. just makes dinner as if everything is fine.
He was having a conversation with one of his family members on Christmas day. He said 'yeh, things are much better.' In whose world? I asked him.
I have told him I want him out. He says 'no chance.'

'Earnest' I know how to spell really, it's just been a long day! I'm actually quite bright underneath my stupidity.

Stop engaging with him.

He is abusive. He is an asshole. He's a pointless waste of oxygen.

Tomorrow's job: make an appointment with a solicitor and start the process of cutting him out of your life.

Is your home jointly owned - i.e is he named on the deeds/mortage or tenancy agreement?

OP I rarely post in the relationships section, you have had good advice already but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. I have been through this and it is the most soul destroying situation ever. Fortunately my DH went into rehab for gambling and has "recovered". I say "recovered" because it is something we pretty much have to work on constantly. At rehab he had to unravel all the reasons that drove him to gamble. He very nearly ripped our family apart. He was a master manipulator and played very serious mind games to cover up his "habit". I too thought I was crazy, I just could not believe he would do this. Luckily he saw and knew that he was an addict, in his circumstance it was a behavioural issue (rather than depression related or similar) and intense therapy and rehab helped immensely. The thing with my DH is that at rock bottom (when he spent his entire wages in an afternoon, leaving me and his child effectively penniless - as well as the debt he had accumulated and bills he had not paid!!!) he DID have insight and asked for help. It was touch and go, i will never forget collapsing in our flat and crying my eyes out (as i am now) as he was admitted to rehab for a month. i was so confused and upset but had to hold it together for our child. I told very few friends, family knew and I am eternally grateful for the emotional and financial support his family gave us. But without insight and acknowledgement of a problem or addiction there can be no solution. Your DH sounds like he is in complete denial and he is blaming you. It seems like a lack of self esteem is holding you back. Look how strong you are, how you hold it all together - you do not need this man leeching off you and your son deserves a better male role model. I knew that I could survive without my husband, it's difficult to explain but the rehabilitation process really worked in our case and I got the husband back that I married and loved. But everyday it is never far from my mind (time is healing) but we never take anything for granted. I wouldn't go as far as saying I am grateful that it happened, because it has caused me great distress and sadness but it has improved us as a couple and given us new tools in order to move forward having made positive changes. Please do not let this man tell you it is YOUR fault. He is manipulating you and taking advantage of your good will, hard work ethic. You sound so strong and capable, he will destroy it all.

Sorry, I don't mean to preach. Do keep posting, it is such a relief to be able to share intimate thoughts and feelings with no judgement here.

PS - DH went to counselling before rehab and to put it kindly he ran rings around his counsellor. He needed psychiatric intervention and therapy by experienced and well qualified professionals. Lots of people are well meaning but do not have the professional capacity to deal with addicts/manipulators. You need to focus on you and your son. He needs to sort himself out.

I had some very good advice off here once from Atilla who "enlightened" me on something. She makes sense! I have never publicly thanked her, so thank you Atilla!

I have told him I want him out. He says 'no chance.'

How does he imagine he will prevent you from ending your marriage if that is what you want to do?

Since all problems apparently stem from your reactions and behaviour, ending the marriage and removing this terrible 'problem' from his life seems like the only reasonable thing to do!

Greenlipped mussels, thankyou so much. I have been doing this by myself and it has got to the stage where I cannot do it anymore.
I have told him he needs to get some help. He has said 'why do I need help?' I don't gamble anymore.
I asked him 'putting aside whether you gamble or not [and I think he is lying] do you not think we could both benefit from some support?' I didn't get a straight answer, but then I wouldn't would I?
There is no trust. When he broke down initially and told me about the debts and that he was going to work hard to make it up to me, I believed him. Instead I feel like he keeps kicking me further down.
Someone on here mentioned that he feels he is 'entitled' THAT is exactly what I struggle with every day. He doesn't seem to be able to make the correlation [sp] between his spending and our lives being so difficult. I asked him: 'what did you think was going to happen when you went bankrupt?' I never get an answer.
This morning he has told me I am neurotic. It doesn't matter what I challenge him about, I am always to blame.

You also mentioned the word 'manipulate' THAT is exactly what he is doing as I type. He has told me again that he thinks it is my fault, doesn't like the way I speak to him and that I am neurotic.
I cannot tell you how much strength I have found in posting on here.