Bit of history: myself and my two siblings were packed off to not very nice boarding schools at the age of 11 after my parents decided it was a better option than the perfectly reasonable local schools in the countries they travelled to as part of my father's work. I stayed until I was 17, my sister left at 16. I understand my parents chose boarding school believing they were doing right by us and giving us a bit of stability with our education, but I honestly think both my sister and myself were very damaged by the experience. My brother maybe less so. I realised in my twenties that some of my reckless teenage behaviour may have been a result of low self-worth linked to feeling abandoned and totally unloved during such a long period of my adolescence. But I met DH at 28 and married, and have had a happy life since my mid twenties.
My sister spent 20 years in a relationship with an older man (who she saw as her life partner) who patronised her, who refused to share a home with her, refused to even let her keep any clothes at his house. For 20 years. At one point he was planning to buy the flat upstairs from his landlord and rent it to my sister at a market rent. Eventually she left him for another older man who was worse because he was physically as well as financially and emotionally abusive to her; he really ruined her life. She left her relationship with him an alcoholic - homeless and broke. Luckily she has got her life back on track after she left him, and my brother and I are close to her and love her very much. At 50 she is back working in a job she loves, and she shares a home with my widowed mother (she owned a flat when she met her last partner, but he got her to sell it and then spent the equity on living expenses, and paying off his debt. She has no home and no savings now, but thankfully can live with my mum, who she looks after).
On friday evening I mentioned to my mother a story my sister told me the other day, about visiting and elderly aunt, who remembered taking her out from boarding school for a weekend visit to the seaside when she was 11. The aunt told my sister that she remembered her walking on to the beach, sitting down on the stones and just sobbing for ages. She said she remembered my sister being very sad. My sister said that that point it all came flooding back to her - the feelings of fear and loneliness that she'd experienced at school, and that she had to go to the bathroom and compose herself. Since then she's been thinking about it and wondering whether it contributed to the quite sad life she led from her 20's until quite recently (she's now nearly 50, unmarried and childless). I've always wondered why it is that a woman as beautiful, loving and bright as my sister felt she didn't deserve to be cared for and protected by her partners. She was incredibly secretive for a couple of decades from about 18 to nearly 40. We didn't see her that often and she kept us at an arms length. She was very disconnected from family at that point and leading quite an odd life, working in poorly paid catering jobs for quite a bit of it, despite having fantastic O'level grades and being very bright and very beautiful.
When I look at ds1, who is nearly 10, I can't believe that at nearly the same age my sister and I were separated from my parents for 9 months of the year, and went weeks and weeks without a kind touch or a hug from anyone. I remember having panic attacks - shivering and being wracked with nausea - after lights were turned out at night at school, but not having the language to explain to anyone what I was feeling. These panic attacks also happened when I went out to stay with my parents in the holidays. My mum took me to the doctor who prescribed librium. To an 11 year old. 
My sister's experience was even worse because when she went to boarding school at 11 she was the only one in the family who went. At least I had her in the same school. I remember her telling me how she was sent to coventry for the whole of her first term at school by all the other girls - she was bullied because she had an afro and looked different (we're both caucasian, but my sister looks mixed race, especially when she was a young girl - we have very full lips, and my sister had a tight curly afro). And I remember my mother telling the story of how, when my sister came home for the Christmas holiday after that first time, she was dirty - her neck was grey and her hair was matted, and when my mother opened her suitcase it was full of dirty clothes. Basically she'd been thoroughly, properly neglected. But they still sent her back even though she pleaded with them not to.
At 17 she refused to go back and because my parents were going abroad again (they'd been back in the UK for a few years at this point, but still kept us at boarding school half an hours drive away), they they allowed her to move into a bedsit and attend the local FE college to do A-levels. She became pregnant and had a termination, and my parents and moved abroad the week after. The bedsit they rented for her was HIDEOUS - in a run down building full of weird people and drifters. It was the cheapest place they could find. In the meantime they were living in splendor, with a full-time cook, a driver, gardeners, servants and a big 'entertainment' allowance. My sister flunked all her A levels and got work as a waitress, which she continued for a long time, until returning to college as an adult student in her early 30's.
My recollections of boarding school include being bullied, ignored and even hungry. Of self harming. And never having any kindness or love shown to me. So much of the time I was lonely and frightened. It might have been ok for a hugely gregarious child, but that wasn't me. I was shy and didn't make an impression on anyone. That meant I was pretty much ignored by children and teachers alike.
Anyway, what's upset me was the fact that when I mentioned to my mum the recounting of the story about my sister crying on the beach at the age of 11, (and mentioned that dsis had speculated about how or if the experience of boarding school might be related to her alcoholism in adulthood) my mum's response was to turn on me really nastily, and accuse me of trying to make her feel guilty. She said that my dd was having a hard time (she is - we're really struggling with her behaviour) and she wasn't at boarding school, and anyway, that's all in the past now, everyone has sad things in their life, and they just get over it, and you know, it was hard for her too. And she didn't want me digging it up and making her feel bad.
At one point she said 'it was hard for me too', to which I responded 'you were an adult and you had a choice'. But I did say - "I know you and dad felt you were doing the right thing for us and I'm not blaming you. I know you did your best". She then went really cold and angry on me and I decided to get the kids together and come home. I spoke to her today and can still hear the coldness and anger in her voice, and I know I'll never mention the subject again. But I feel angry on my behalf and my sister's that we've never, ever been able to acknowledge something in our childhood which damaged us and which (I think) had long term emotional sequalae, because my mum believes her feelings deserve above all to be protected. It's made me feel ...... really, really resentful of my mum. I keep looking at her and thinking how spoiled she is.
Not really looking for an answer. Just needed to get it off my chest.