Boarding school sadness: elderly mum won't let me say it.

[Shagmundfreud]

Bit of history: myself and my two siblings were packed off to not very nice boarding schools at the age of 11 after my parents decided it was a better option than the perfectly reasonable local schools in the countries they travelled to as part of my father's work. I stayed until I was 17, my sister left at 16. I understand my parents chose boarding school believing they were doing right by us and giving us a bit of stability with our education, but I honestly think both my sister and myself were very damaged by the experience. My brother maybe less so. I realised in my twenties that some of my reckless teenage behaviour may have been a result of low self-worth linked to feeling abandoned and totally unloved during such a long period of my adolescence. But I met DH at 28 and married, and have had a happy life since my mid twenties.

My sister spent 20 years in a relationship with an older man (who she saw as her life partner) who patronised her, who refused to share a home with her, refused to even let her keep any clothes at his house. For 20 years. At one point he was planning to buy the flat upstairs from his landlord and rent it to my sister at a market rent. Eventually she left him for another older man who was worse because he was physically as well as financially and emotionally abusive to her; he really ruined her life. She left her relationship with him an alcoholic - homeless and broke. Luckily she has got her life back on track after she left him, and my brother and I are close to her and love her very much. At 50 she is back working in a job she loves, and she shares a home with my widowed mother (she owned a flat when she met her last partner, but he got her to sell it and then spent the equity on living expenses, and paying off his debt. She has no home and no savings now, but thankfully can live with my mum, who she looks after).

On friday evening I mentioned to my mother a story my sister told me the other day, about visiting and elderly aunt, who remembered taking her out from boarding school for a weekend visit to the seaside when she was 11. The aunt told my sister that she remembered her walking on to the beach, sitting down on the stones and just sobbing for ages. She said she remembered my sister being very sad. My sister said that that point it all came flooding back to her - the feelings of fear and loneliness that she'd experienced at school, and that she had to go to the bathroom and compose herself. Since then she's been thinking about it and wondering whether it contributed to the quite sad life she led from her 20's until quite recently (she's now nearly 50, unmarried and childless). I've always wondered why it is that a woman as beautiful, loving and bright as my sister felt she didn't deserve to be cared for and protected by her partners. She was incredibly secretive for a couple of decades from about 18 to nearly 40. We didn't see her that often and she kept us at an arms length. She was very disconnected from family at that point and leading quite an odd life, working in poorly paid catering jobs for quite a bit of it, despite having fantastic O'level grades and being very bright and very beautiful.

When I look at ds1, who is nearly 10, I can't believe that at nearly the same age my sister and I were separated from my parents for 9 months of the year, and went weeks and weeks without a kind touch or a hug from anyone. I remember having panic attacks - shivering and being wracked with nausea - after lights were turned out at night at school, but not having the language to explain to anyone what I was feeling. These panic attacks also happened when I went out to stay with my parents in the holidays. My mum took me to the doctor who prescribed librium. To an 11 year old. My sister's experience was even worse because when she went to boarding school at 11 she was the only one in the family who went. At least I had her in the same school. I remember her telling me how she was sent to coventry for the whole of her first term at school by all the other girls - she was bullied because she had an afro and looked different (we're both caucasian, but my sister looks mixed race, especially when she was a young girl - we have very full lips, and my sister had a tight curly afro). And I remember my mother telling the story of how, when my sister came home for the Christmas holiday after that first time, she was dirty - her neck was grey and her hair was matted, and when my mother opened her suitcase it was full of dirty clothes. Basically she'd been thoroughly, properly neglected. But they still sent her back even though she pleaded with them not to.

At 17 she refused to go back and because my parents were going abroad again (they'd been back in the UK for a few years at this point, but still kept us at boarding school half an hours drive away), they they allowed her to move into a bedsit and attend the local FE college to do A-levels. She became pregnant and had a termination, and my parents and moved abroad the week after. The bedsit they rented for her was HIDEOUS - in a run down building full of weird people and drifters. It was the cheapest place they could find. In the meantime they were living in splendor, with a full-time cook, a driver, gardeners, servants and a big 'entertainment' allowance. My sister flunked all her A levels and got work as a waitress, which she continued for a long time, until returning to college as an adult student in her early 30's.

My recollections of boarding school include being bullied, ignored and even hungry. Of self harming. And never having any kindness or love shown to me. So much of the time I was lonely and frightened. It might have been ok for a hugely gregarious child, but that wasn't me. I was shy and didn't make an impression on anyone. That meant I was pretty much ignored by children and teachers alike.

Anyway, what's upset me was the fact that when I mentioned to my mum the recounting of the story about my sister crying on the beach at the age of 11, (and mentioned that dsis had speculated about how or if the experience of boarding school might be related to her alcoholism in adulthood) my mum's response was to turn on me really nastily, and accuse me of trying to make her feel guilty. She said that my dd was having a hard time (she is - we're really struggling with her behaviour) and she wasn't at boarding school, and anyway, that's all in the past now, everyone has sad things in their life, and they just get over it, and you know, it was hard for her too. And she didn't want me digging it up and making her feel bad.

At one point she said 'it was hard for me too', to which I responded 'you were an adult and you had a choice'. But I did say - "I know you and dad felt you were doing the right thing for us and I'm not blaming you. I know you did your best". She then went really cold and angry on me and I decided to get the kids together and come home. I spoke to her today and can still hear the coldness and anger in her voice, and I know I'll never mention the subject again. But I feel angry on my behalf and my sister's that we've never, ever been able to acknowledge something in our childhood which damaged us and which (I think) had long term emotional sequalae, because my mum believes her feelings deserve above all to be protected. It's made me feel ...... really, really resentful of my mum. I keep looking at her and thinking how spoiled she is.

Not really looking for an answer. Just needed to get it off my chest.

I feel so sad for you and every other child packed off to boarding school against their wishes. I know some kids thrive in them and some parents think it's the best, but it's hurts even to try to imagine how my DC would feel if I sent them away, even now at 13 and 11.

Your post has really affected me, and I hope it acts as a warning to parents considering boarding school.

i remember being hungry a LOT

I don't care how marvellous a school is or what the circumstances are, a child needs his parents around for emotional support. I am so sorry about you and your sister went through. It is common for older parents to get passive/aggressive when they want to avoid confronting their errors.

I feel you have been very brave in facing all this. You and your siblings know how you felt then and over the following years. I don't think your mum is likely to apologise or accept responsibility. Your choice now is to mould the relationship with her now to one that works for you and your children.

Kiki - the odd thing is that I never told my parents I was unhappy. I'm not sure I knew that feeling lonely and scared was wrong. 'Home sickness' was expected and considered normal. I think I was also aware that my mum was sad about us going, and making a fuss and pleading would only make things worse.

And there were times - when I was 15 and older, that being away from my parents gave me the chance to be free. Not in a good way. By the time I was 15 my sister was 18 and living in her bedsit and working. I'd go to spend weekends with her away from school. Sometimes she'd leave me alone in her bedsit and go and stay with a boyfriend. I remember thinking at those times that there wasn't another person in the world apart from her who I could call for help if something went wrong or I was sick. She knew some very dodgy people at this time who were dealing drugs. I have a vague memory of travelling across London with her on the tube carrying a kilo of hashish in my rucksack on one occasion......

At 17 I dug my heels in and refused to stay at boarding school. This meant I had to join my parents abroad and go to a local British school, which was perfectly fine. However, when my parents then tried to put limits on me I kicked up a massive stink. I remember saying to them that they'd left me to shift for myself for the previous 6 years, so they weren't going to suddenly start telling me how to live my life at the age of 17. I spent the next two years being extremely promiscuous - really to the point that my behaviour was akin to self-harming. Also borderline anorexic and using a lot of drugs. I was expelled from school within a year and sent back to the UK alone with £200 in my pocket to get a job and sort myself out. I was made to feel terrible about my behaviour as a teenager, and it took me years and years to come to terms with what I'd done. What really saddens me when I think about being promiscuous, was that it really was a terrible craving for affection that was behind it all - I remember just being desperate to be held and have someone give me their full attention. But when you're a pretty 17 year old and you hardly know the person who's holding you, you work out pretty soon that sex is the only way to get and keep the attention you need at that moment.

How very sad. It's even worse to extend the unhappiness you feel by your mother making the subject off limits all these years later. I suspect and know from my own family that it's not uncommon though for there to be Things That We Dont Mention esp when a parent is trying to rewrite history to flatter their actions.

My dh went to boarding school. He didn't relish it. It was very strict and regimented and he says he often didn't have enough to eat He's quite philosophical about it now I suppose, but I'm sure it has had an effect.

The thing I've never never understood though is that his older brother did not go to boarding school. He was kept at home and was sent to a private school.

The difference between the two's schooling arrangements is colossal. His parents have quite different relationships with both their son's as a result. They dote on bil and his family and I think would like a closer relationship with dh but he prefers to keep them at arms length which I'm sure stems from going to BS.

The subject is clearly off limits though and I suspect they'd be the ones 'hurt and upset' if anyone pointed anything out. It's me for years though, even more so when we had our own dc. How could any parent treat siblings so differently for no apparant reason?

I do hope you find some resolution in your own heart about this SF. Its funny how being a parent yourself can rake up things from your own childhood esp when your dc reach the age you were when events occurred.

This resonates so with me too. I was sent to boarding school at 9 (a ghastly convent), my sister went to a different one at 8 and my poor brother to a very tough Prep at 7. We are all damaged to some extent by the experience.

My parents thought they were doing the right thing, it was the expected thing to do in their circle. I am sure they know now how we feel about it all but not because it has been stated explicitly. It is all swept under the carpet, which is where it will stay. But we all know.

You know, it really isn't for every child.

I went to an all girls boarding school at age ten. It was "down south" and I was a northerner. I had a talent and I got a scholarship. Within one week, I'd completely changed my accent because I had "eeeeee-by-gum" comments ALL the time. I was an outgoing child but that too changed very quickly. I became shy, withdrawn and anxious.

There were good bits ( I was doing classical ballet and I loved it) but the bad bits included massive homesickness, anxiety and OCD-type behaviours that I believe we're brought on by the lack of simple kindness/human warmth IYKWIM? And the hunger, oh God the hunger. Our days were heavily regimented .... Half academic and half ballet. We were weighed each week and I have no idea how I managed to grow at all, as we were fed so little.

I did not become a ballet dancer. At 19, I was ill prepared for the outside world, unfeasibly naive and ripe for abuse, which happened and I quit. Full stop. I insisted that I was allowed to come home. My mother never forgave me and the weeping and wailing was ridiculous considering it was MY dream I gave up.

My mum always maintains she thought she was doing the right thing. I guess, you don't find out the truth til years later, as an adult.

I remember throughout this 9 year period, wanting to come home, have a rest, do something else "normal", play sport, grow boobs, STOP looking like a ten year old child at 15..... My mum, bless her, pushed me. She came from a deprived background and saw the talent I had, being my way out, as it were. Kind of in a Billy Elliot way!

I love my mum but she got it so wrong. I had to tell her, quite recently, that I refuse to discuss my past. I don't want people to know. I'm 50 now and she still introduces me as an ex-ballet dancer. It drives me bonkers because in some ways, it ruined my life.

Perhaps, you ought to have an honest talk with your mum and have her understand how it was for you and your sister. I'm sorry you had such a dreadful experience.

I was sent to boarding school when I was 12 (against my father's wishes) because my mother 'couldn't cope with me and the new twins'. I'm the first to admit that i wasn't an 'easy' child - academically gifted and needed a fair amount of help learning to interact with people who didn't have my level of ability - but I felt discarded.

The school I went to was fantastic, I got the support I needed in all areas and I achieved everything I wanted to and more. I really loved the school, I just hated the reasons I was there.

Now, my mother acknowledges that her actions had a massive impact on our relationship, she even admits that it was wrong that I felt discarded...but she maintains that the twins needed her more than I did and is very clear that they are her favourites. Where life gets interesting is that our relationship now is respectful, but not affectionate. There is a real difference in my relationship with my father compared to that with my mother, to the point that I will not leave DC with just my mother (but will with my father)...which she hates with a passion.

Boarding school made me; I'm strong, self reliant and have absolute belief in my ability to cope on my own in almost any situation. The flip side of that was the trust issues it left me with, especially around other females - I don't trust easily because I have been betrayed. Interestingly, my relationship with my father was strengthened when I was away at school (and it had always been strong). I don't have a problem with children going to boarding school, but I think it has to be for the right reasons and idealy the child should be involved in the decision.

I went to an all girls boarding school and I am only just starting to realise the effect it had on my development. I have pretty low self esteem and I keep people at arms distance. When I feel like I'm getting close to someone, I back off. When I'm hurting or dealing with an issue, I tend to close myself off from people, especially my mother and father. It's a weird one. Outwardly I'm a very confident, self reliant and independent individual but I am deep internal wounds..and I think a lot has to with not having much emotional support growing up. You just had to get on with things. I was also really overweight because the food was so disgusting I just ate junk food...no surprises I lost it all when I left school but the scars of being an overweight teenager are still there.

There are some very sad posts here. I am interested that some you you - like my dh - mention being hungry much of the time too.

Andro I had a dd then twins. There's only three years between dd1 and dts but I can remember worrying she would feel pushed out by two babies turning up. Esp as she started preschool right at the time they were born. But this worried me and (I hope) I did my best to not allow her to feel discarded.

I feel quite sad that you must have felt exactly that way esp at 12 just when you need your mother at a crucial time.

Your comment 'I'm strong, self reliant and have absolute belief in my ability to cope on my own in almost any situation' puts me very much in mind of dh. He's just like that. Sometimes to the point of shutting others out because he can manage so well in isolation.

He's always been hard to give things to as well. A very minimal person regarding possessions. He doesn't want or need much, nor expects it and seems baffled if I get him things. I don't really do it much anymore because his reaction used to upset me but I think B/School is the reason.

Gosh, these posts are all very sad.

Have you seen the website run by Boarding School Survivors - www.boardingschoolsurvivors.co.uk/? They run courses and all sorts to help people cope with the problems they face as a result of their experiences at boarding school.

There is also a really good book, "the Making of Them" by Nick Duffell. It sets out some of the problems that may be encountered by those who feel abandoned by going to boarding school.

Maybe you would feel better if you could write to your mum, set out how you feel. You have communicated then, and it is up to her to reciprocate.

My DP has had some similar issues and has spoken to his parents. He was lucky - they acknowledged his feelings, and spoke of how guilty they had felt. A lot of air was cleared, and some feelings put to rest.

Boarding School Survivors

Hi Shagmund, I'm another one who could have written your post (except for the dsister). I was sent to an awful girls' school at 11 despite the fact that my parents lived only 10 miles away. I was miserable and begged to be a day pupil (the school wouldn't agree to it) but didn't really believe there was any other option. Looking back, it was for my parents just The Done Thing. They'd both been sent themselves at incredibly young ages. (DF at 9 and DM at 6 ) and I do think they genuinely believed I was getting the best education possible.

It has left us with a fairly distant and formal relationship which I wish was warmer and closer, but again I think for my parents this is just how adult relationships are. They see nothing wrong with just visiting at easter and Christmas and making polite conversation about the weather.

I finally got brave enough to tackle my dm about it last year. I asked 'Why on earth did you send me to boarding school?' Her reply left me gobsmacked: 'Well, you wanted to go darling.' It's a totally blatant rewriting of history to avoid feeling any guilt on her part.

I pushed a bit more and reminded her how I used to beg not to have to go back on every weekend visit and her next answer was 'Well, I was persuaded that it would be a good idea.' (So, my df wanted it to happen and dm will pass the blame if pushed).

So, I've had to come to an acceptance for myself that there really is no point in trying to get any acknowledgement from them of the damage boarding school or their totally hands-off parenting did. For them it was 'normal'. Their memories have it as a positive. Discussing feelings and emotions is a little bit icky and impolite and best glossed over. Opening old sores is unseemly. I think many of their generation are the same. Pushing the point wont achieve anything for me or them and would rock our pleasant but formal relationship to no benefit.

The only thing I can do is make sure my own dcs have a different relationship with me than I had with my dps.

TomArchersSausage - I can identify with the tendency towards shutting people out, my DH had a task and a half digging his way into my life. You're quite correct with your comment about timing, I really needed my mother and she wasn't there for me either physically or emotionally. I'm glad that you're making sure that your DD knows she's loved and not pushed out - you sound like a good mum - I assume that your twins won't be spoiled to the point of not knowing how to make a cup of tea at 19 either (yes, my brothers are that spoiled).

Andro, I hope you don't mind me asking - how did your DH dig his way into your life? Any particularly successful strategies?! I struggle with digging into DP's sometimes. He too is totally resilient, independent, doesn't need other people, and can cope with anything by himself. And he keeps his feelings to himself. Despite that, the times he's said he feels closest to me are times when we've discussed issues about him, and how he feels about school - although he really doesn't want to discuss it, when he does, it changes him and I see a wonderfully sensitive man appearing.

TomArchersSausage - my DP too is hard to give to. I have stopped doing it so much too, as instead of feeling pleasure when a gift is given and you see the pleasure on the receiver's face, I am disappointed by his rather baffled reaction. Even birthday presents and Xmas presents are a battle! I have only managed to give him something he totally wanted and had a brilliant reaction to twice!

It also means he doesn't do much "giving", as he doesn't understand really why you would give something, just in order to feel the pleasure of giving.

Sorry OP, don't mean to hijack....

Goodness OP, my DH could have written your post.

He too has a formal, slightly distant relationship with his parents. It's all very weird for me.

My DH didn't hear from his parents until the end of his first term. His parents allege that this is what they were advised to do, so that the child would settle into school. My DH felt utterly abandoned and really thought he would never see or hear from his parents again.

He too remembers being hungry and today has some minor issues with food. He said that if you wanted enough food you had to eat really fast so that you could have some more.

He tends to still do this now even though food is plentiful. He and his siblings all eat really quickly.

My DH's father also wanted his wife to himself. They never had family holidays in the school holidays, going abroad to an unfamiliar 'home' was considered holiday enough.

DH's dad took his holiday entitlement in the school term so that he and his wife could go on amazing trips just the 2 of them.

I often feel that there is a tension bubbling away under the surface when one of their 2x a year family gatherings happens. You can feel it in the air, like it is just about to explode.

My DH loves spending time with my family as it's all very relaxed and informal and he can talk to them. It,s so very sad.

Crikey, my DH is very hard to give to and finds it all a bit baffling too.

I read the Nick Duffell book, and it described my DP to a tee. He also read some of it and found it really upsetting, but said he didn't feel alone anymore at last. The book says that parents were advised not to contact their children at some schools, as it would "make them more homesick". If you cry for your mummy, you get beaten up for being vulnerable. You quickly learn not to be vulnerable - and those coping mechanisms become learnt behaviours.

The food thing resonates too - not enough food, esp when you were younger, and the older boys ate it all first before the plates reached you.

I'd like to know more about how to help - I sometimes find that although I understand why DP reacts to some things the way he does, it isn't easy to live with.

thinking1 - I don't mind you asking at all, in fact I just emailed your question to DH and his answer was "pigheaded stubbornness, a lot of ibuprofen and a but of charm". From my perspective it was how his personality complemented mine, he didn't try to change me (my self reliance was hardwired into me by that point) he wanted to work with me. The process wasn't easy (for either of us) but he didn't take offence when I 'just did' something, he just gently reminded me that he was there. I had to learn that I could share the responsibility with him, I didn't HAVE to do everything my self. One of his favourite (and often used) phrases was 'We both know you can deal with it all darling, but why should you have to when I'm able to take some of the load?'. The 'it all' could have been anything; travel arrangement, workmen, MOT, paperwork, what to have for lunch/dinner, family issues - you name it! Slow, steady and very calm was how he broke through.

There were a few 'milestones' along the path:
I started to believe what he said when he verbally expressed emotion
I talked about my time at boarding school
I talked about my relationship with my mother (that was a big one because she was the problem)
I started to accept my own emotions instead of covering/denying them
I realised that he loved the person I am, not who he wanted me to be - he found the strength and the self reliance attractive. He wanted a woman who could walk at his side as a partner, not someone who would follow his lead all the time.

One thing he did that really brought home to me the truth of how I was isolating my self was he bought me an ornament - yes, it sounds bazaar. I'm a passionate biker and bought me this ornament of a lady biker on a harley, it also had a removable dome. He stuck a note to the base that read "I love the person you are, but you live behind the dome. Is there a door and if so, where is the key?" I cried for about 2 hours, I hadn't realised just how thoroughly I was still protecting myself - the walls had turned transparent, but they were still there. Three weeks later on his birthday I gave him a chain with a key on it, I had the key engraved 'in case I lock you out'.

I'm not perfect by any means and I still occasionally start to pull back, but a gentle reminder brings me back now and it's far easier than it used to be.

Damn, that lot was cathartic! Fortunately, he's the only one who'd recognise it and he knows my MN name anyway.

Nick Duffel's book The Making of Them has helped me more than I can say, and allowed me to start exploring (and hopefully fixing) a lot of the fallout in counselling.

^a bit of charm

Wow, what a wonderful story, Andro. The ornament sounds just brilliant. Did you take the removable dome off?! Thanks for sharing, it has given me much to think about!

Your DH sounds just fabulous!

The dome was removed and put in the ornament box - it will be needed for protection in transit if (God forbid) we move house.

My DH is amazing, I consider myself very lucky to have him

Andro what a fantastic post You sound a wonderful and well matched couple!