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Original poster

Do you need to fancy someone to have a relationship ?

50 replies

beamer · 03/05/2006 00:58

Is the Harry meet Sally a myth ? We have a deep connection but one of us dosen't fancy the other. Advice greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
runtus · 03/05/2006 08:42

As romantic as it sounds to have a 'deep connection' sadly unless there is mutual physical attraction in my experience, one person is always a bit too grateful and therefore not confident in the others attraction to them...........and one is totally adored. Never a great start to a relationship and certianly not the foundation for something stable and long lasting.

Sorry but thats the way I see it.

runtus · 03/05/2006 08:42

As romantic as it sounds to have a 'deep connection' sadly unless there is mutual physical attraction in my experience, one person is always a bit too grateful and therefore not confident in the others attraction to them...........and one is totally adored. Never a great start to a relationship and certianly not the foundation for something stable and long lasting.

Sorry but thats the way I see it.

runtus · 03/05/2006 08:42

As romantic as it sounds to have a 'deep connection' sadly unless there is mutual physical attraction in my experience, one person is always a bit too grateful and therefore not confident in the others attraction to them...........and one is totally adored. Never a great start to a relationship and certianly not the foundation for something stable and long lasting.

Sorry but thats the way I see it.

runtus · 03/05/2006 08:42

Damn - sorry about that

Carmenere · 03/05/2006 08:45

A long term relationship can be tough going without (at least the memory of) a physical attraction to keep you bonded imo.

rubles · 03/05/2006 08:49

I think that sometimes attraction can grow as time goes on, but I don't think that it can come from nothing. There has to be something there right at the beginning.

bluejelly · 03/05/2006 08:50

Is is the man or the woman who doesn't fancy the other? Do they have problems with sex/intimacy, or just an unusual lack of attraction in this instance?

QE · 03/05/2006 08:55

Yes imo you do.

A few years ago I tried really, really hard to fancy this guy who was a friend of the family. He had his own house, car, a good job, loads of money in the bank and would have been able to give me a really nice life, financially speaking. We had a platonic relationship, went on holidays together and went out etc but although he fancied me rotten, I could not find it within me to remotely fancy him.

I could not bear to be with someone who I didn't fancy; imagine the sex - it would be unbearable to make love to someone you didn't have a spark with.

eefs · 03/05/2006 09:31

god yes .

Harry and Sally did fancy eachother.

Bugsy2 · 03/05/2006 09:47

I could not have a proper full on relationship with someone I didn't fancy. How can you have sex with someone that doesn't turn you on? Ewwwww. I'd stick with friends on this one!

Hoopoe · 03/05/2006 10:44

I tried really hard going out with someone I didn't fancy. It lasted a very long year and I wish I hadn't bothered now! I agree with runtus - you need to have a reasonable balance for things to work.

beef · 03/05/2006 10:47

"Do you need to fancy someone to have a relationship ?"

a full and lasting sexual relationship I'd say yes.

for a full and lasting relationship - no.

Original poster
beamer · 03/05/2006 13:50

Fantastic response, thank you all very much. It's ongoing !
Eefs, I thought that Sally couldn't stand Harry at first. Isn't that the point, over time they did.

OP posts:
jasper · 03/05/2006 14:05

Hang on, there are loads of threads on mumsnet about how so many people don't fancy their partner IN THE SLIGHTEST after a few years, never mind have a deep connection!

I'd say cut to the chase and go for it!

noddyholder · 03/05/2006 14:07

You need to fancy each other for it to be a complete relationship anything else really is just good friends!

suzywong · 03/05/2006 14:11

yes you do because if you don't one day you will finish bumping uglies and they will catch the light in such a way as to make you feel like you've been with your brother, so to speak, and it will be all over. So I 'm told

eefs · 03/05/2006 14:14

beamer, they didn't fancy each other at the start, but neither were they trying to have a relationship at the start. While the initial attraction may not last forever, I think it does need to be there at some point.

Of course it can develop, but it sound like you are talking about going into a sexual relationship BEFORE this attraction has developed in the hope that it will. I wouldn't advise it, but then I love the initial attraction, the tummy flutters, the insatiable part of a relationship.

expatinscotland · 03/05/2006 14:15

Yes. When Harry Met Sally is a fictional film.

The belief that real life is like that is a certain cause of grief.

eefs · 03/05/2006 14:36

:) expat

Harpsichordcarrier · 03/05/2006 14:40

GOD yes
I mean having sex with someone you didn't fancy would be just weird wouldn't it?
and horrible for the person NOT fancied - if they felt like you were doing them a favour all the time
ugh god no horrible and a big old short cut to heart break

maltesers · 04/05/2006 17:03

you can have a relationship in this situation but to what degree i'm not sure..If there is a deep connection then maybe that makes up for one hell of a lot. There have been lots of guys who i have slept with but there is no deep connection. In my opinion that deep thing is something very special. How it pans out is beyond me, just dont know. Would like to think it would last if 2 people get on that well. The sex thing often doesnt last that long.

Original poster
beamer · 04/05/2006 18:01

Maltesers, spot on ! The deep connection is the key. It's very strong and together I believe we can overcome any problems. I agree with "eefs" in that hopefully the attraction will grow.

Thanks again to every one who has contributed, really appreciate the diverse comments.

OP posts:
lou33 · 04/05/2006 18:05

if you dont fancy them it would have to be a lights out and only do me from behind job, so you didnt catch sight of them, and could pretend they were someone else

Hopecat · 04/05/2006 19:01

HCC - I have rotten experience of being the one not fancied.

I went out with a man I thought was gorgeous. I thought he felt the same about me, but we had sex less and less. I got to the stage where I would be wearing cute little dresses and sexy underwear every time I saw him, but no go. (And, though I say it myself, I ain't bad).

Turned out, he loved my personality and thought I was his last chance to be happy, but did not fancy me and hadn't from the beginning. By the time that relationship finished my self-esteem was rock bottom.

I know this situation is different, but you have to remember that we are animals, and we are not in control of ourselves all the time however much we may think we are.

How would either of you feel if the other had an affair? More likely in your situation than most, I'd hazard.

glassofwine · 04/05/2006 19:05

Sorry, but i think you do need the attraction thing. Years ago I started a relationship with someone who i didn't fancy, but really got on well with in every other way. It was nice for a while to be adored, but I used to try to get drunk to sleep with him - not good. In the end I finished it, he was devestated and we both lost a great friend. Be carefull.

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