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Relationships

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Original poster

Do you need to fancy someone to have a relationship ?

50 replies

beamer · 03/05/2006 00:58

Is the Harry meet Sally a myth ? We have a deep connection but one of us dosen't fancy the other. Advice greatly appreciated.

OP posts:

frumpygrumpy · 04/05/2006 19:14

I think that when you've seen a lot of water go under the bridge and you still have love and a deep connection then longevity and deep love come into being. Fancying becomes periphery (my spelling is crap but I know what I mean). You can always have a shag with the lights out!!! Seriously, the relationship doesn't need to end because physically the attraction lessens, it all depends on whether you are seriously unhappy and how long you've been together and whats at stake.

frumpygrumpy · 04/05/2006 19:16

However, in the early years of a relationship, physical attraction is essential I would say. But it needn't last forever.....the serious stuff kicks in then, on a higher level.

bluejelly · 05/05/2006 16:30

Lou33 I think you hit the proverbial nail on the head

lou33 · 05/05/2006 19:01

oh it's true, been there done that, lol

kama · 05/05/2006 19:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

maltesers · 06/05/2006 13:22

Well, i have a close friend who i am attracted to very much just not in the sexual chemistry bit though. Cannot pin point just what it is, he is so lovely though, everything else is there to make the relationship perfect, just not the sex. Oh what to do ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?

Greensleeves · 06/05/2006 13:28

I think it could work for a while, depending on the individuals involved - like living with your best friend, which is very nice but not the same as a real marriage.

I think the problems might come when one of you meets someone you DO feel powerfully attracted to.

Original poster

beamer · 06/05/2006 19:07

Sounds odd to me Maltesers, depends how much importance you put on the sex bit. If its only 10 % and if everything else is good then why not find out about the sex .Give it a go thats my advice You might be very surprised ! Go for it !!

OP posts:

Original poster

beamer · 07/05/2006 10:03

Have re-read all contributions, Maltesers sounds as if you are more of a companionship, not a relationship, shame to let a good connection go to waste, and I would have thought that the person you are attracted to needs more than that from you if you are talking long term. I agree with Greensleeves.

OP posts:

Moomin · 07/05/2006 10:28

my ex-dh should have been my best friend and left it at that. we got on like a house on fire from day one and were friends before it developed further. the sex was actually ok for the first year or so then it just dwindled off but we loved each other so much we stayed together and we both thought it was fine. eventually though cracks started to appear and he was the one who actually ended it altough we were both devastated - i really felt like i'd lost my best friend. took me at least 2 years to get over it.

met dh 3 years after me and ex ahd split up. I fancied him like MAD (heart palpatations, sleeplessness, feeling sick all the time) but i didn't actually like hm too much to begin with - he was right up his own arse but i couldn't get over the way he made me feel. we had a very rocky first 6 months but then something just clicked, he realised he loved me and stopped being such an idiot. we've now been married for 6 years this august, have 2 kids (4 and 6m) and spent last night in bed mid-evening having gorgeous sex because we couldn't wait til bed time (sorry if tmi but thought it was relevant!)

If we hadn't had the sexual spark i'm sure we wouldn't be so happy now. I can honestly say that i don't think i've ever got on so well with anyone as i did with my ex-dh, but it didn't make a good marriage. dh and i argue, get on each other's wicks something rotten but we are IN LOVE with each other and it WORKS.
HTH

YourTellingMe · 07/05/2006 11:32

I think this thread just sums up my marriage.

My DH was my best friend but I just couldnt fancy him. I decided that sexual attraction wasnt the most important thing in a relationship and that there were lots of other ways in which he made me happy. We got married 6 years ago, this last year especially, I have had so much trouble keeping up the pretence of being happy. I enjoy DHs company, but if he tries to touch me ewwwwwww, I cant make love to someone that I dont fancy - its like doing it with my brother! We havent had sex, or been at all intimate for months. It makes me shudder. I feel like im acting all the time. Its so hard for him as he does fancy me, and he wants to be able to have a sexual relationship with me - but how do you tell someone that you dont find them attractive, dont want to sleep with them (ever!) and that they are facing a sexless marriage!, I cant - so his self esteem is at rock bottom cause it seems that his wife has suddenly gone off him. When really its always been like that.

I would definatly say that attraction is so important in a relationship. If I could turn back time I wouldnt have got married, Id have been DHs best friend instead. I cant stand the thought of another 50 years like this, so something has to give soon. Im not looking forward to it.

Kiwiana · 07/05/2006 22:42

Hi.. I can relate to this as my ex is my best friend! He was a friend to start with, we then had our son and split up. It has taken years but we are now best friends. And he is brilliant with my other kids! We would never get back together now as I couldn't bear teh thought of sleeping with him, but in most other ways he is great!
Sex isnt everything but who wants to go through the whole of their latter life without it?? Not me thats for sure! it's been a year already!

Brozzer · 07/05/2006 23:56

Hopecat - you are hilarious, and how spot on you are. B x

lazycow · 08/05/2006 11:23

Can I just ask. Is this about fancying them as in thinking 'Whooar thay are sexy I fancy them' or is it that the sex is bad. In my experience I have had the best sex ever with people I didn't think 'Whoarrr about when I looked at them'

Original poster

beamer · 08/05/2006 15:57

Deep connection with each other, but sex not on the agenda from one side.

OP posts:

Thatsmenow · 08/05/2006 16:13

Regular poster and changed name.I don't know really.

I am with DP and we have two kids, never really fancied him in the physical side of it. When we met I was a bit of a mess with quite low self esteem and he was a friend. There is something about him which can spark up a room and a strength of character which I love.

Sex has varied over the years, found it difficult at first as he was quite clumsy but good when I was pregnant with both kids and now not bad and two or three times a week. I do tend to hide in fantasy a bit.

The relationship that I came out of before meeting him was very traumatic and ripped me to shreds. Maybe I settled on this one because I was adored and safe.

Does it work I don't know - now we are bringing up two kids and we both agree on the importance of that. Time will tell. We work to make it work.

SSSandy · 09/05/2006 07:54

This thread makes me feel sad :(

I chose the good friend (I'll call him FRIEND) as a safe haven because I wanted to feel secure - emotionally and financially - over the man I felt attracted to (called the MAN) because he was NOT a good friend at all and financially catastrophic.

I couldn't honestly see a future with the MAN and I got along so well with the FRIEND. Now though, nearly 6 years down the track, I still feel somehow bonded to the MAN but between me and the FRIEND is practically nothing. I honestly feel I made the wrong decision.

When you're attracted to someone and emotionally involved, it often isn't comfortable but I think the fights and trials at the beginning are maybe necessary and that evolves into true loyalty and friendship with the passage of years.

As for sex, the man I felt attracted to wasn't better to look at, in fact some things about his appearance I really didn't like (hair on his back, etc), neither was the sex mind boggling - but I can't see a photo of him without getting a jolt or be in the same room with him without being very aware of him as a man.

paperclip · 09/05/2006 10:55

Agree that this post is quite sad.
I have also changed my name.
I married a lovely, caring, sensitive, intelligent, professional man who is in love with me 2 years ago after dating a string of total unsuitables. I was mid 30's, and had had a number of relationships where in each relationship, one of us was totally besotted but never both at the same time. I figured that it was just not likely to happen to me and that I should grab my chance of happiness with marriage and kids with a wonderful man. I'd love to say that is how things are but I do spend rather a lot of time worrying about how I feel about him/the relationship and wondering if I've done the right thing.
I guess I decided that in most relationships the initial attraction thing wanes after some time, so what was wrong with just skipping that bit and getting straight to the deep, caring stage?
I try to ignore the problem but it's not really working
Sex is not a problem really - it's not that I think "Eeeuugh" or anything, just that I'd rather go to sleep. But then lots of mums think that even if they do fancy their partner to bits, don't they?
The last man I hankered after big time (before DH was on the scene) was a misogynist, opinionated, arrogant, unfaithful twat - so I'm not sure I could be trusted to fall for the right guy anyway! ( Oh, and he beat me up at the end of the relationship when I found out he'd been cheating, long story) - But I still get a jolt when I see his photo.
Sorry for the rant
Good luck with your decision.

crazydazy · 09/05/2006 11:28

When I first met my DP I did think he was attractive but my head was in bits over another "aresehole" and so could not let myself feel something for someone else.....DP pursued me and we ended up seeing each other, the first time we made love I got pregnant, at this point I wasn't sure about DP but was sure that I wanted to keep the baby so we decided to give the relationship a go, the sex though was and still is very good, I was not attracted to him in a lustful way but I did really like him and this grew over time into love. I have never experienced the kind of feeling I have with DP all I can say is that I feel I am "his equal" and he is mine. We now have 2 children and have been together seven years and can honestly say I love him more as time passes, its not a lustful kind of love but its happy, secure, loving and we are great mates, we still make love regularly and its the best love I have ever experienced and ever want to experience.

Sorry quite mushy that but its the way I feel

BonyM · 09/05/2006 11:50

I didn't fancy dh at all when I first met him, although thought he was a lovely person.

However, he pursued me relentlessly, and very romantically and as I got to know him better and fell in love with him I came to fancy him more and more.

I really think that fancying someone has a lot to do with how sexy and attractive they make you feel, and 4 years in, I fancy dh like mad!

suejonez · 09/05/2006 11:59

I had a very good long term relationship with somone I didn't fancy to start with. I began to fancy him AFTER I realised the sex was fantastic. Does that make me really shallow?

I have done the "fancy you like mad but know you're not suitable" man, SSSandy like the one you walked away from, and believe me, he pretty quickly became unattractive when he was borrowing money from me, spending it on other people, getting drunk with other people... you know the sort.

You probably only still fancy him because you haven't had to deal with his financial catastrophe's personally. It's why affairs are so exciting - no socks to wash.

crazydazy · 09/05/2006 13:12

Totally agree suejonez and the sex for me has got better and better over time because DP and I know each other so well and understand each other's needs. I think at some point in your life you grow up and realise that even if you had Brad Pitt as your lover, five years down the line you are going to feel the same about him as you do about your man at home.

Think you need to experience that tossers of this world to appreciate the good ones.

maltesers · 09/05/2006 16:06

AAWW ! Thats lovely Crazydazy. You sound very happy. You are lucky !

maltesers · 09/05/2006 16:07

Refering to your message a few down with the smiley face and mushy bit.

lazycow · 10/05/2006 10:19

Crazydays - that sounds a lot like dh and me. Suujonez- exactly. Although I didn't get a 'jolt' when I thought about dh the sex was pretty good. Over time that turned into more fancying. The love is not a mad passionate type I agree but it is all I want or need.

I don't have a big sex drive admitedly but this is something that was true in all my past live-in relationships/marriages regardless of the 'whoarr factor' that had been there in the beginning or not.

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