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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Um should I be worried?

85 replies

Insecure24 · 02/03/2013 21:57

Dp went to watch our local football team this afternoon and was going for a drink after, said he'd be back by 7. He's not. And his phones off. I don't mean to sound annoyingly motherly, he's 32! But quite unlike him...:-/

OP posts:
Buzzardbird · 03/03/2013 08:05

So glad that he is back and you are not worrying anymore. Hope you get to catch up on your sleep. X

akaemmafrost · 03/03/2013 08:08

Yes and I've been there but if you're that concerned call the police. He's back unharmed as was always going to be the likely outcome but now your child always has the memory of being woken and driven round in the middle of the night looking for Daddy. Sorry but I think it's ridiculous.

FoxyRevenger · 03/03/2013 08:09

OP my ex did this to me a few times, he never quite got how bloody scared you can get, your imagine goes into overtime doesn't it? The last time I threw a book at his head, left the house and found someone new (my DH).

It does sound like a one-off for your DP, hopefully the sore head he will have right now will put him off doing it again.

akaemmafrost · 03/03/2013 08:10

And actually the only thing he's done wrong here is not letting you know. It's FINE to take the odd night for yourself. Why on earth does he need to be "punished by being forced to get up with dd after only two hours sleep? Like you said it's totally out of character. Why does he need a telling off for it? Tell him how scared you were and he sounds like a good bloke from what you say so unlikely to ever do it again.

ike1 · 03/03/2013 08:15

Because he did not let the OP know if he was ok and was 8hrs late. Have you lost your sense of perspective aka, or are you being a wind up merchant?

AThingInYourLife · 03/03/2013 08:23

Disappearing out for hours without letting your wife know where you are or making sure she's agreeable to look after your child alone for hours is a pretty big fucking thing to do wrong.

That's not how decent partners conduct themselves.

Taking time to yourself by disappearing is dreadful behaviour.

SanityClause · 03/03/2013 08:24

Yes, I agree with emma on two points.

Dragging you LO out in the middle of the night was outrageous. If you were really worried, call the police.

Secondly, do you really want your LO looked after by a tired and slightly tipsy father, today?

However, do make sure he realises that what he really did wrong was to be uncontactable. If he'd said he was going to make a night of it, you could've gone to sleep (mmmm, nice big double bed all to yourself!) and not had to worry.

akaemmafrost · 03/03/2013 08:25

Sorry but I just don't think there is any need to "punish" a grown man for ONE out of character action. She's not his parent ffs! Surely in an adult relationship she can say to him you really scared me, DON'T DO IT AGAIN! and leave it at that?

akaemmafrost · 03/03/2013 08:28

Oh and I did say he did wrong by not letting OP know. But the actually taking a night to go on the lash especially WHEN HE'S NEVER DONE IT BEFORE.

AThingInYourLife · 03/03/2013 08:31

"Secondly, do you really want your LO looked after by a tired and slightly tipsy father, today?"

But it's OK for her to be looked after by her exhausted mother who was up all night worrying? Hmm

Newsflash: Scientists discover that women are people too

Going out all night without agreement or even acknowledgement that you have a partner is how a brattish 18 year old treats his mother.

I love how getting up with his own child is a fucking "punishment".

I'm up with 3 children this morning. Wonder what I'm being punished for?

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 03/03/2013 08:33

Of course.he should be the one to get up with DD today. Op said he wasn't that drunk so he'll be safe to look after her. Plus he chose to go out & get drunk knowing he had a child to look after today. The op was up till 3am because she was woried.

abbyfromoz · 03/03/2013 08:34

Men are like this... Not saying it's right... DH used to do this all the time, and until i spelled it out for him he did not change (how would he feel not knowing where i am or when i will be home or who i am with and not having any way to contact me?)
Imagine if us women were to do that? 'Off out love, be home by 7'.... Then leave them at home waiting, waiting, waiting... They would call the police!!!

AThingInYourLife · 03/03/2013 08:39

Selfish twats are like this.

Not men.

akaemmafrost · 03/03/2013 08:41

Getting up with your own children is not of course a punishment Hmm.

But the OP has TOLD him he will be in response to his staying out last night so yes in this case it's being used as a punishment.

Yes what he did was rubbish and brattish but I would be saying exactly the same thing if the roles were reversed so its nothing to do with "women are people too".

It's a one off. My ex was as the OP describes every weekend and would disappear for days at a time. I used to be frantic but I can tell you now I never pulled my dc out of bed to go in search and I think as a one off this is not a big deal. I think a real explanation of how concerned she was to what sounds like an all round decent DP will go a lot further than tantrums and punishments.

AThingInYourLife · 03/03/2013 08:46

Aren't you just brilliant?

Hmm
OutsideOverThere · 03/03/2013 08:49

Think you're explaining exactly why she did that Emma - you were used to it, it was par for the course with your ex, but the OP's bloke hasn't really got form for this so she presumably thought he might be in trouble somewhere.

I'm sure her kids are fine.

akaemmafrost · 03/03/2013 08:51

Grin Used to it? Well obviously NOT the first couple of times when I reacted as per the advice given in this thread. It didn't really work out too well tbh.

Original poster
Insecure24 · 03/03/2013 08:51

Aka - trust me he was now well aware of how concerned I was. Dd was asleep when I put her in the car and stayed asleep so no she has no memory. Dp was not drunk so yes I did say he was to get up with her when she woke. As it happened, at 5.15am she wanted mummy so we had cuddles in the big bed and snoozed together til 7.30 where he promptly got up with her and I can hear them playing nicely. As much as I'd like a lie in, I'm showered and dressed and sitting upstairs marking a shed load of books. We've not spoken since 3am

OP posts:
akaemmafrost · 03/03/2013 09:00

Glad she stayed asleep Smile. The reason I went on about that is my Mum did it with us and I well remember the feeling of being so scared because it was so out if the ordinary and my mum was so upset that felt really scared and upset but didn't understand why.

I tell you now, I wish I could have taken my own advice back when I was married, maybe he wouldn't have been so resentful of me, who knows? I just think yours sounds like a generally nice person (from what you've said) so I would want to give a chance for first lapse. If he does it again though..............Wink

Original poster
Insecure24 · 03/03/2013 09:03

We've never fallen out - I mean big barneys. He's a fantastic partner, stepfather and I love him so much which is why I felt ill with all consuming worry. Just heard him tell dd they need to go to sainsburys. Hmm maybe a resourceful roast dinner awaits (hopes!)

OP posts:
Original poster
Insecure24 · 03/03/2013 09:03
  • remorseful. Damn iPhone
OP posts:
akaemmafrost · 03/03/2013 09:10

That so nice to read about him being great Smile.

Have lamb and mint sauce, yum!

Imaginethat · 03/03/2013 09:22

I'm glad he's safe and contrite. That's the best possible outcome. X

ScabieFace · 03/03/2013 10:59

I read threads like this and am so glad my DP is who he is and would never do this! What a twat.

Glad all is ok though OP

Original poster
Insecure24 · 03/03/2013 15:08

Well being that last night was totally uncharacteristic, I've since had a load of washing washed, ironed and put away, hoovering done in the whole house, my car hoovered, flowers and lamb is currently roasting away. I think he's sorry Grin

OP posts: