Why be so nasty? Just why?

[ElectricSoftParade]

I'm sorry but this is re: my relationship with MIL.

We have quite an uneasy relationship but we have both had to get on with it, as DH and I have been together 15 years. Although we live close to each other we only really see her about 6 or so times a year. She is known for her "dizziness" which means she says quite unpleasant/hurtful things followed by a laugh which means you are supposed to laugh along iyswim.

Anyway, the reason I am writing this is that this latest bout of dizziness has made my two DCs very upset. They are 6 and 8 and heard that Grandma was coming for a visit and got excited. She arrived, they answered the door and were all "Grandma!", all happy and cheerful. She responded by guiding them out of the way so she could walk forward through them and said "Oh I'm don't want to see you two, I'm hear to see my son! You are not so special you know and XXXX is always going to be my favourite". tinkly laugh She then saw me and said "Oh no, I am in trouble now, Mummy heard me then, wonder what she will tell Daddy?!". XXXX is another grandchild.

The DCs were both taken aback and well, quite upset asking her why she doesn't want to see them. She did her laugh again and told them they shouldn't question an adult. Anyway, as it was, I decided to take them out so she could see her DS without us being around. I didn't flounce but just suggested the park. I know if I had stayed I would have said something and wanted to avoid another arguement. DH says its just the way she is, which is fine but when she upsets the DCs with her comments I think it just goes to far.

So, do I just accept that it is just how she is or do I have a conversation with her re: the above? I accept that me as an adult can deal with any comments put to me but it has really upset the DCs that their Gran doesn't want to see them.

YY to this: "Its ok kids gramma is old and senile we can put her in a home soon, maybe I should call the dr if she does realise how unacceptable that it?" Then laugh and smile sweetly at the cow bag.

So she's taking her dislike of you out on your dc? That is so nasty, and so crafty with the tinkly laugh thing putting people on the back foot so they feel they can't have a go at her.

Must have been a nightmare for your dh growing up. You hardly see her anyway (does he go alone or does he avoid her?) so tell dh she can not come to the house again.

DH says its just the way she is
Yep she is a cow, but does your DH seriously think it is on for her to talk to his DC like that??

If your DC's close family can't make them feel special, important and worth spending time with who will??

Is she like this to everyone?

We have one of these complete with tinkly laugh that makes me feel frankly murderous. High point was mil putting phone down on a 4 year old due to some imaginary crime committed by dh. Dh emailed calmly explaining that he will not accept him or his family being treated like that. She went ballistic apparently because she is his mother she can treat us anyway she wants to. Ok....we cut off contact eventually she worked her way back in but as Attila says she has never accepted she has behaved badly or apologised. I cannot deal with her the way I deal with everyone else in my life because she plays by totally different rules that I don't understand. Luckily dh is strong can't bear her and won't let her get away with anything. We see them once a year. Our girls her only grandchildren.

Is there something stopping your dh from visiting her alone instead? She has said that she only wants to see him, so you'd be doing you all a favour.

Tell him that's what is happening. Say you are not prepared to allow your children to be hurt like that again.

My step-MIL is just as belligerent as your MIL sounds Electric and based on comments she's made to my DH I refuse to have anything to to with her until she apologises and amends her behaviour. FIL writes her hurtful comments off, but he knows he can fuck off thinking I'll put up with her shit.

However, she hasn't said anything like this to DCs and dotes on them, even though they're not her 'blood' GCs iyswim, but should her bad behaviour extend to them she won't have access to them.

Children are deserve so much better than what your MIL is dishing out, please don't fall into the trap of letting her see them because you DH or her would get upset if you didn't; she must be held responsible for her vile ways.

I recognised DH response as similar to mine and unfortunately as he'd grown up being so hurt by her he couldn't face the challenge. He was more intimated by her than realising he now had responsibilty to us. I fought that battle for years.

Your poor children. :-( She sounds cruel and callous.

I feel that the hideous old bitch is trading on the fact that your husband will not stand up to her, or back you up. I would go with 'you will not be welcome in my house any more and you will not be seeing your grandchildren'. Your husband can choose whether to visit her alone, or not.

I agree with Jux. Till she can be pleasant and not upset your DC's the only way forward is for your DH to visit alone. I wouldn't normally say this but in her case I think you have to.

Well, if anyone (you or your dh) brings it up and calls her on it, she will excuse it by saying she was only joking (tinkly laugh, remember? )
But that doesn't mean you can't tell her that you and, more importantly, your dcs didn't see it as a joke and you'd prefer it if she didn't make such "jokes" in future.

She is being a bitch, and hiding behind being "dizzy" ( I am sure she knows exactly what she is doing) - sorry it's just not acceptable, you don't need to stoop to her level, but just make it clear it is not acceptable.

I agree with Jux.

I would be telling DH he can visit his mother by himself at her house as she will not be welcome at yours and your DC house until she apolgises (sp) for her behaviour.

Oh and she not 'DIZZY' she rude and nasty.

What a bitch !

She'd not be setting foot in my house again . Home is where my children feel safe and secure , not hurt by some nasty witch , regardless of whether she's related or not .

She wants to see DH , he can go visit . But I wouldn't be going there either . And if she had a problem with that , DH would telling her its 'just the way she is '

The problem is that this behaviour has become normalised for your husband so he probably doesn't see it for the shit it is, just as 'not quite right'. Also she is flattering him by saying she came to see HIM, trying to play you all off against each other.

Nasty, toxic bitch.

She wouldn't darken my door ever again and if dh had a problem with that, he'd be ex dh.

Yep, totally toxic.

Your poor DC, they must have been so upset. My DC are a similar age and they would have been devastated.

Personally, if it were me, I would be telling my DH that the old bitch would never be across the threshold ever again - and any future relationship he has with her is without the DC being there.

I don't think you should under-estimate the impact this could have on your DC's self-esteem. Have you discussed it with them? I would be inclined to tell a bit of a white lie, and explain that sometimes when people become older, they don't really understand what they are saying, and they can say really hurtful things that they don't mean.

Then make sure that evil woman never has an opportunity to hurt your DC ever again. I am very on your behalf.

Oh, and in answer to your question 'why'.

She was clearly trying to challenge your authority in your own home. 'Look, I can walk into your house and hurt your children. And you are powerless. Anything you say to my son will make no difference. My son will still come running to me.'

Did I mention I was .

Just to add, if it was a terrible inappropriate joke, then it would have been followed with an "only joking, I love my grandsons sooooooo much!" Followed by loads of attention and cuddling and games. The dcs wouldn't have understood the stupid joke, but they wouldn't have been upset by it because actions speak so much louder than words.

But she didn't. She followed it with no reassurances and by ignoring them.

You know that saying? Many a true word spoken in jest? It applies here.

She uses her "jokes" to say what she really thinks without fear of consequences.

Ask your dh where the evidence is that she was joking when she trod all over the love of your dcs? Because there isn't any.

I'm not angry at her on your behalf. I'm livid at your dh for having no need to protect his dcs from the very real and justified pain they now feel. He is being a terrible father. He needs to do something to show them he puts them first. Poor mites.

every time you laugh, or let it go, you make a HUGE mistake.

She does this not because she is 'dizzy' but because she is spiteful.

It is ok to look her in the eye and calmly say "That was very hurtful, I don't want you to say that again."

If she does what people like her normally do, she'll either cry, fake an illness eg migraine, get defensive "it was only a joke", or try to make you the bad guy - weeping about how mean you were to her.

Ignore. Simply repeat that it is unacceptable and you don't want it to happen again.

And a joke is something funny to everyone. Not an attack on someone, followed by the person who said it - laughing.

Don't laugh with her, you're telling her she's getting away with it. You're also telling your children that you agree with her/you aren't going to defend them. That can really hurt a child. you have to think about how they feel. Bugger how she reacts to being told she's out of order.

Many thanks for your replies. A few of you mentioned how my DH responds to his mother's comments and I think you are right, it is how he was brought up and this is the way it is. However, I wasn't and have told DH that I want him to go and see her rather than her coming here.

I will keep contact to a mimimum. TBH the DCs won't miss much as they hardly see her anyway and hopefully doing that will stop any more of these comments/incidents.

I am going back to the start of the thread to read again. You have really been helpful in clearing my mind. Many thanks

poor you and your children! what a rotten woman

i'd certainly not be welcoming her back into the house however if she must come over maybe a very stern word in her ear before shes even said hello might help

to be fair my mother also isnt the nicest person - makes very cutting remarks especially about peoples weight etc. i've to tell her that i'm pregnant this weekend after not speaking to her for 4 weeks after she failed to turn up at my engagement party!

wAaaaaaaaaah at both DCs' birthdays and woried expression at candle

Tahank you for posting2 evenings ago HH after settling DS h -hope DS soon settled and is not another little fang
< cyberaunties hover with cameras for next toothbrushing >

Brilliant posts so much appreciated, made me laugh and sniff as I tried to reply but my brain editing function is non existent ( separate from mh I mean , the type cused by health condition ... actually I'm wrong , stressy week did make it worse ) and it takes absolutely hours to write small post - have to find way of managing it- reallyn hatee being unreliable and have been sending gopositive thoughts

.Good luk with finishing touches for dd's do , AS , which sounds lovely . Asda had some gokld balloons ( sure you boycott them ,says GP guiltily) , in amulticolour £1pack

So very sorry DS had bad reaction to egg HH but you had to try it
somteime , bless him for bf till a whole year and not tailing off till after birthdY Good luck with icing -ooo h remember 1st time I tasted that stuff as a child , yum

ideas for cake mybe
www.parenting.com/article/how-to-make-piggy-birthday-cupcakes
www.cakes4occasions.com/c-52-first-birthday.aspx

Oh *AS I'm sorry to be so insensitive aboutfinances - you are amazing to mbudge so well , nthink of is a thousand times easier for us as no child tofret about /juggle < suitably party-type image >. Hope find right tthing at right time < helpful angel hovers >

Am excited at all this partying !DH has a Big bithday this weekend & a friend unexpected celebration tonight , so that, plus visits to family will hopefully be a nice weekend . MIL still on IV antibiotics but at least at home , and I did well < preens > at hateful meeting , and DH at his rather more important appraisal after working through many a night

< off to knit sparkly party hats >

oops , sorry-especially as bound to be unhelpfully late-nd hope you won't feel too frazled trying to make something after hard week

www.parenting.com/article/how-to-make-piggy-birthday-cupcak
es
www.cakes4occasions.com/c-52-first-birthday.aspx

So sorry OP- I obviously thought I was posting on a glongstanding thread

Good decision to let DH visit the woman -without the rest of you ly