Anyone else have a DH/DP with BiPolar Disorder?

moniker · 2006-05-02T12:17:46+00:00

My DH has Bipolar II - recently diagnosed but has had it since his teens I would say. I'm looking for some support and ways of dealing with it if you can help. We have two DSs age 6 and 4 and I'm worried about how his illness affects them as its certainly affecting me. We've just had an awful weekend and I'm on a bit of a downer about it myself today. I'll happily give more info if needed! THanks.

Original poster

moniker · 02/05/2006 13:20

Forgot to say - have been a MNetter for years but lurk more than I post!! I work full time so don't get much time to internet but will ckeck in for responses!

OP posts:

Original poster

moniker · 02/05/2006 13:21

Forgot to say - have been a MNetter for years but lurk more than I post!! I work full time so don't get much time to internet but will ckeck in for responses!

OP posts:

Aero · 02/05/2006 13:25

No experience of bi-polar moniker, but couldn't ignore your post and wanted to bump this for you. Am sure someone who has experience of this will be around soon.

HenniPenni · 02/05/2006 13:33

My mum is bi-polar if I can be of any help?

the only thing that I can say is to make sure that you look after yourself as best as you can, and try to explain to your children in terms that they can understand .

I remember not understanding about it as a child, mainly because nobody told me and to be perfectly honest as she'd had it all her life I thought that she was "normal" iykwim? It was only when i went on to have my own children that i realised what an impact it had had on my childhood.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/05/2006 13:46

moniker,

www.depressionalliance.org may be able to give you further support as both an individual and as a family.

bluejelly · 02/05/2006 14:34

Oh moniker you have my sympahthy. My ex had depression and it is so hard. Try and get as much outside support and respite as possible. Don't take it personally. It's the illness not him.
How do your children react? How does it make you feel?

Original poster

moniker · 02/05/2006 16:31

Thanks for your replies, bump and link!
HenniPenni and bluejelly - I've read that something like 90% of relationships where one person has BP break down as a result of the behaviour it causes. It's so hard not to take the behaviour personally as when he's having a depression related meltdown it's all directed at me - often hour after hour of ranting about my shortcomings and how the DSs and I are dragging him down and ruining his life. It would be a lot easier to cope with if I wasn't the focus of his outrage.

When he's manic he comes up with various schemes like emigrating, opening a business, having another baby, moving house etc - all of which I have to pretend to go along with until the phase is over. It's exhausting. And the longer things are 'normal' for the closer I know we are to a meltdown or a manic phase.

I've looked online and can't really find anything suitable - I've got loads of info about bi-polar but what I'd really like is to find someone to talk to that's in my position - DH has been going to a support group for anger management for over 2 years now (which is how he got his diagnosis) but the DSs and I don't have anyone.

I am not sure how much longer I can carry on in this relationship anymore. I know its an illness and that makes me feel really guilty - perhaps if I could find some new ways of dealing with all this it would help?

OP posts:

bluejelly · 02/05/2006 17:07

God I know how you feel. It is so hard to differentiate the person from the illness. To be honest I couldn't do it. The closer I go to my ex the more I was dragged into to his depression. He did improve significantly with medication, but to be honest i felt that his destructive behaviour had become so entrenched that I lost faith in the relationship. Hard because i loved him so much, but felt that I needed someone who could support me and my dd, not someone that I would have to support for the rest of my life.
Sorry that's probably not that helpful but just wanted to say I know how tough it is. If you stick it out you're a hero, but don't feel guilty if you can't. You have obviously been trying very very hard.

Original poster

moniker · 03/05/2006 14:21

Thanks bluejelly! I think one of the probelms is that I don't have any support but I don't know how best to get it. DH doesn't want me to talk to anyone about this and so far really I haven't. It's got to the point though where I need to or I won't be able to cope. It's so complicated and he takes it all so personally as it's his illness that's causing many of the problems - and the things he says and does still hurt and have consequences. He hasn't really got his own head around it and is also very private and worried about what people will think. I found a great website that I thought would be useful but it's not taking on any new members at the moment. I guess I'll have to try the GP - thanks for your help though - it's really appreciated. M x

OP posts:

bluejelly · 05/05/2006 16:36

HI Moniker
I don't think your dh is being fair saying he doesn't want you to talk to anyone about it. If you are going to support someone with a serious mental illness then you need support yourself! especially with young kids.
Having said that online support is also invaluable ( as I'm sure you know) so make the most of what's out there...
Had a friend who used to work for saneline, worth asking them if they know of any support groups, even online ones?

Of course the things he says hurt, okay so he is ill but if he wants you to stick with him then he needs to learn where the line is. You still need respect even if he is too ill to give you support.

Have there ever been periods when he is less ill ( ie neither manic nor depressive?)

Has he ever taken medication?

manicmencanrule · 05/05/2006 20:00

Yes! (sorry for the name change but this is private to me!)

I am. Although he is not formally diagnosed and not on any medication.
His mum is diagnosed but very functioning and intelligent, charming etc

Totally with you on the "manic" phases. My DH operates at a mile a minute most of the time, he has boundless energy and enthusiasm for everything he does. What do i do? Well, I think I have learnt to appreciate his personality and see the good side in the endless energy etc. I know what he is like and actually feel honoured to be with such a "unique" human, if that makes sense to you??? My DH is an artist (lots of people with BP are) and I think having a creative outlet when he is "on one" is hugely important to him. More than that he is very self aware and we avoid letting things get bad. We have words to describe to each other when we think the black cloud is descending on him. If his surroundings start to become very stressful and he feels out of control or (I have noticed) if he spends long periods by himself working on projects, he tends to get "bad". Therefore I try to control the environment to a certain degree and not let him get in those situations. When I say "bad" I mean angry. He has never hit me but he can be hideously nasty then he doesn't remember anything he has said the next day. I tend to make it worse by responding in kind [blush}. One of his saving graces is that he tends not to let it all out to the kids I would find it hard to cope with if he said things like that to his children (not sure if your DH actually does?). If things got really bad and I was really worried about him then I guess I would get him on meds but I think we are lucky that it has never come to that.

One thing he never is to me is boring. Weirdly I appreciate that. I love him with all my heart and know that I could search high and low but will NEVER meet someone else like him. If I am honest it hasn't been "bad" in a couple of years but I do know how bad it can be. However (and I hate to say this) be very careful of just "blaming" all the bad feeling on his BPD. I did this for a while and it meant that I stopped looking at my own contribution to the situations. I mean, sometimes even people with BPD have a right to be angry or upset with life and the people in it. You need to judge every situation on its merits.

I would say that something needs to change but maybe you need to look at the bigger picture. When your DH is feeling calm you both need to look at what his "triggers" are and how you could avoid them. I find that my DH (with his endless energy) is much happier when he is working for himself than an employer. I guess I am lucky in that I have the steady higher paying job. I also control all the money and he doesn't have a problem with this as he knows he is incapable of doing it. So I guess what I am saying is accept the situation and if you love each other, make sure you aren't trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. If your "square peg" fits better into a different shaped hole, you may find that everybody gains from it, and you may even find that you too can start to reap the positive benefits of your manic man

Good luck xx

manicmencanrule · 05/05/2006 20:04

To add - I think you need to respect his decision not to go on meds etc so long as he is prepared to work at it in other ways and identify triggers etc. It is his body after all. Sure if things don't improve then maybe but give him a chance to look for alternatives first. I personally don't think counselling is that great idea - if my DH opened up certain cans of worms it wouldn't help him it would probably send him on a v. bad episode.

manicmencanrule · 05/05/2006 20:17

Another question:

have you ever actually supported one of his ideas for a project that he comes up with when he is "manic"? Or do you just write them off? I find my DH is fabbo when he has a project to throw himself into - it brings out all his good points and puts that energy to great use. I realise that your DH may be different to mine!

xx

manicmencanrule · 05/05/2006 20:26

and another tip (sorry keep adding things). Avoid putting him on any A/Ds even natural things like St John's Wort. I got Dh on this for a while to counteract "depression" - after a while he went into a really bad manic angry phase. Turns out that any sort of A/D (even "natural") can trigger a manic phase and not good for BPD.

The only natural remedy that a lot of people swear by is Omega 3 fish oil in really concentrated high doses. My DH doesn't take this although he does take cod liver oil but I would get him to if he got bad. To avoid the "fish" smell and taste it is best to keep them in the freezer.

When things were bad for me a few years ago I joined some of these so called "support groups" for BPD. I found them to be crap and really annoying. All the advice was "take meds" (really anti anybody trying to cope without them - I took it as jeaousy ) and also "leave him your relationship can't work" "you shouldn't let somebody shout at you" etc etc. I thought it was total crap. Some of the best minds in the world have had BPD, to me it is not something 100% negative and why would I possibly leave DH when he needed me most of all - it was precisely when he was bad that he needed me to be there to help guide him through. Others on MN would disagree but I couldn't blame him for the horrible things he said as he 100% genuinely WOULD NOT REMEMBER/BE AWARE of what he said. So why hold him to it? I found that when he was bad he would also push me almost tempting me to leave him but I took that as a challenge and one that I won . My marriage vows mean a lot to me (better or poorer, sickness or health) and I am so glad I took that attitude as our relationship is better than ever and growing all the time.

Wanted to show you that it doesn't have to be all bad. Hope I have helped in some way.

xxx

zippitippitoes · 05/05/2006 20:36

I think I've said some similar things on your other thread..definitely not all bad..far from it. It's not the end of the world or even necessarily a bad thing

manicmencanrule · 05/05/2006 20:39

ooh where is the other thread?

I LOVE my manic man. Maybe we should start a fan club?

zippitippitoes · 05/05/2006 22:40

\link{http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=138&threadid=170528&stamp=060505190759\ just linkinmg your threads}

OldieMum · 05/05/2006 22:59

I don't have a DH with BPD, but my brother has it, as do several others in my extended family - I hate to add to your worries, but it does seem to run in our family. Whether this is a coincidence or whether it's inherited, I don't know. A cousin of mine also lived with a man who has BPD for about 25 years. They have since separated, though she still gives him a lot of support. I'm glad to see people writing about this positively, but I wouldn't want you to underestimate how wearing and difficult it can be to deal with someone who has BPD. One of the most difficult aspects of this for my cousin was that she found little support from her encounters with the medical profession, who were only too anxious to leave responsibility for caring for her DP when manic, and when depressed to her, rather than giving him medical help. In the end, she felt that she couldn't provide daily support, that she needed to protect her own peace of mind, and they had a reasonably amicable separation. In my brother's case, things have been relatively stable for several years, though, as he is single and in his 40s, we worry about the long term. In his case, it's often been difficult to separate the effects of the BPD from other problems, particularly alcoholism and lack of self-confidence, so I'm not sure there are any 'lessons' from our experiences with him for others.

CarolinaMoonfish · 08/05/2006 16:42

I don't really have any advice to add, I'm afraid. Just wanted to say my mum has bipolar II, although she's been pretty well for the last few years - she's now retired and the lack of work stress really helps.

I'd agree with what HenniPenni said about it seeming normal when we were kids, even though she seemed to be in a different mood every day and was often tense and anxious or just very cold and dismissive of us when she was feeling down.

I don't know if you think your kids are old enough for this yet, but I really wish she'd talked to us about how she felt and about her diagnosis so that we could understand what was going on. We only found out from our GP when we called him out during a hypomanic phase, although I think she'd been diagnosed years before.

Original poster

moniker · 08/05/2006 17:57

Hi again. Thanks MMCR - that's really helpful! I'm really not trying to get him on meds though, not at all, I just want to find a way of coping for all of us. DH hasn't said he doesn't want to go on meds - the person he sees for anger management has said he's self manageing very well. I'm not sure if he is as he has blow outs evey 6 to 8 weeks and it can make family life really difficult. He does get physically violent towards me too (although that's almost under control now) as well as the verbal stuff. When he gets nasty it's like he hates every tiny little thing about me and he rants and raves for hours - it's just like living with jackyyl and hyde. The children get caught up in it and the oldest one copies some of the things he says. He also says stuff to them and I find that especially difficult to cope with - DS1 in particular is sensitive and remembers every word months later. I think I know DH's triggers quite well and sometimes can put off a blow out happening by talking him down. Having a family is a major stress point for him as is work. I only recently learnt about the mania and sometimes I've been really positive about his ideas honestly . His mania does involve spending sprees though and that's dificult as it has a knock on effect. After DS1 was born it involved a close relationship with another woman. I'm not sure I can see any positives to BPD at the moment though but perhaps that's because his moods are very up and down. Or maybe I'm just not up to dealing with it, I don't know .
I've been with DH for 13 years now and the only resaon I want to tell some people very close to us is that I wnat them to understand him better. I want them to know why he says and does the things he does, why he won't socialise, why I can't arrange stuff too far in advance etc etc. That would help me more than him I suppose though so maybe I'm being selfish. I get depressed myself sometimes and worry that the children are having a dreadful childhood and that it's all my fault.
All your messages are helpful though - I'm glad that BPD can be overcome as everthing I've read about BPD and relationships says don't have a relationship with anyone with BPD and ceratinly don't have children - not very helpful when you're already doing both those things!
Mxx

OP posts:

CarolinaMoonfish · 08/05/2006 18:27

Moniker, it sounds like you are taking a hell of a lot on your shoulders .

If you are tiptoeing around his moods and everything that goes with them, as well as having to present a "normal" face to everyone else, it's going to take its toll on you. If there's someone you can trust, I would definitely confide in them about it.

manicmencanrule · 09/05/2006 10:05

It does sound quite hard to deal with Moniker. I wouldn't handle it if DH was physically violenty, cheated on me or was nasty to his kids.
Have you tried giving him an ultimatum about the meds ie, if he "crosses the line" with certain behaviours again then it is clear that he is not "self managing" and its meds or {insert alternative threat that you feel able to carry through]

Its funny I do understand the Jekyll and Hyde comment - in fact I said exactly the same thing when DH was bad. I guess its just that things have been good for a long time now so you sort of forget. I have told DH that I refuse to "walk on eggshells" around him and he understands this. Luckily there have been no bad periods for a long time.

I do understand wanting close family and friends to know but then again maybe he is worried that they won't understand and will think differently of him. I have kind of mentioned it to some close family but not made a big deal of it (as it isn't a big deal to me) but it is kind of easier for DH because his whole family know his mum suffers and always has(although she is on meds and you would never guess anything was wrong with her at all she is wonderful), nobody in his family ever talks about it they all just accept his mum and him for who they are which I have to say I do quite like.

Why don't you get your Dh to try the Omega -3 (as high a dosage as you can buy) for a month or so and see if it makes any difference (don't forget to keep it in the freezer) and maybe talk to him about your "limits" - those lines that CANNOT be crossed if he is serious about saying he doesn't want meds.

Good luck xx

Greyhound · 09/05/2006 18:10

Hi there - a friend pointed me in the direction of this thread, as she thought I might be able to help.

I also have Bipolar Type 2. I have a history of depression, but developed bipolar after my son was born. I have been on medication since then.

I have a psychiatrist who is excellent, particularly as I have had to change my medication several times due to side effects etc.

I am completely sympathetic to your situation and understand that it must be incredibly difficult for you and your children. Your husband obviously becomes manic quite quickly and is very hard to be around when he is either manic or depression.

The 'quality' of mania varies hugely from one person to another. For one person, the mania may be productive and enjoyable. They may become creative, energised, witty and sociable.

For another person, the mania may be unpleasant - they may feel agitated, panicky, frustrated and isolated.

Personally, I have had enjoyable periods of elation where I have written poetry (even had it published - boast!) or had extra reserves of energy. On the whole, however, my euphoria quickly burns out into panic, anxiety and restlessness. Then the depression kicks in.

With my medication, my moods are much better. But there is no cure for manic depression and I have to live with that. All medications have side effects and mine have included weight gain and tiredness.

I think you mentioned that your h is not taking medication. Is there any way he could be persuaded to? This is a very difficult situation. If he is not so ill that he needs to be sectioned, but ill enough to cause problems in the family, then what can you do?

There are various support groups on the internet. There is the Manic Depression Fellowship - www.mdf.org.uk

I really hope things get better. If he is being stubborn about medication, then I can only suggest you keep talking to him and explain (possibly write down) how important it is to you that this situation is improved, for all your sakes. Try and choose a moment when he is relatively calm - I know it can be hard as the moods can switch rapidly.

HTH - love Greyhound xxx

Greyhound · 09/05/2006 18:56