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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DD dad has disowned her - she's 9

126 replies

onemoredayplease · 26/02/2013 09:38

Long story but my ex has disowned our dd (aged 9) he literally sat her down and told her he never wanted to see her again. He also told his wife that she can't have any contact with dd. dd loves her
step mum.

Have tried to support her through this but it's very hard. Step mom wants contact so dd has had contact a couple of times in secret. She saw her yesterday and returned with 2 books and a teddie he has thrown all her other toys. She also told me that step mum had told her that her dad says dd doesn't exist and is not part of his life. She has told dd this before and that ex is being horrible to step mum.

Not sure what to do. Can't change ex and have been trying to maintain contact with step mum but dd was very upset yesterday. Talking about contacting her dad to protect step mum. Feel step mum is treating dd as an adult.

OP posts:
Betrayedbutsurvived · 27/02/2013 18:29

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
onemoredayplease · 27/02/2013 18:30

I don't have to justify myself to you. I have given you all you are having. Some people on here have been really helpful and daughter is happy and content.

OP posts:
fergoose · 27/02/2013 18:31

I agree ignore the awful comments. You don't have to justify anything onemoreday. My ex inexplicably has done the same - and it is totally his choosing, nothing I have said or done has influenced any of his decisions or actions. You have nothing to explain about his behaviour.

expatinscotland · 27/02/2013 18:32

What SGB said. What a vile bastard! I'd give my life to hold my little 9-year-old daughter one last time.

MatureUniStudent · 27/02/2013 18:33

OP I would suggest that you ignore Losing, because if you were behaving as Losing has suggested, then your DDs father would be at the Court House quite rightly demanding to see his DD.

I have just asked the two DC here about your Dd, as their father did the very same thing over 3 years ago. It was an appalling thing to do and required counselling from the community based counsellor s. It benefitted me as I got some insight into what it meant to them. Fast forward three years, one DC said that having utterly NO contact with their father is still a huge hole. The other DC said its like an Xbox. You don't need it but damn its good to have.

I would cut step mums contact and concentrate on becoming the strong unit you two need to be.

queenofthepirates · 27/02/2013 18:37

How about you OP? This is a huge thing for your DD to deal with but I think you could do with a big hug too to help you with the fallout. How are you feeling about the whole thing?

SolidGoldBrass · 27/02/2013 18:37

Yes, ignore Losing the loser, who sounds like one of those arsehole men who have been blocked from seeing their DC for a very good reason.

I agree with whoever said that knowing SP is horrible to her stepmother as well might help DD understand that he's basically a shitbag and his behaviour is not her fault at all.

beatlegirl · 27/02/2013 18:40

Losingexcesswweight, don't you need to climb up a bridge in a Batman costume somewhere?

OP, it sounds to me like you're doing brilliantly. It's a very difficult situation and you're doing what's best by your DD. Good for you.

HecateWhoopass · 27/02/2013 18:42

Why is it so important to you to find a way to make this her fault, Loser?

This 'man' sat down his nine year old child and told her that he wanted nothing more to do with her. He was disowning her. What kind of bastard does that to his young child?

There is nothing about that choice that he made to do that to his child that makes it the woman's fault. Nothing. No matter how much you would like to find a way to make it so.

Leave her alone.

Original poster
onemoredayplease · 27/02/2013 18:44

I'm ok thanks. I have good friends and a supportive partner. My work have also been great. As long as she's happy I'm happy. Thanks for the comments from the kids. I hadn't really thought about counselling for her but will explore it in view of all your comments.

OP posts:
Longtalljosie · 27/02/2013 18:49

onemoreday, I'm sorry to say my reading of the situation is that this is more about the stepmum and her abusive relationship with your ex, than about your daughter. She's collateral damage Sad

You say they were close. Your ex is jealous, and just as he'll have already cut her off from her friends, he's now cut her off from your DD so she has no focus other than him.

Which means that if the stepmum does leave, your DD is at risk of further heartache as he's likely to try to re-enter her life as someone else to control...

Viviennemary · 27/02/2013 18:49

I agree what kind of person could do that to a nine year old child. It is just so horribly cruel and unnecessary. Not sure what I'd do about contact with the stepmother. But I think it would be better your DD didn't see either of them for the time being. And agree she needs some distance from the whole upsetting situation. I don't know why your ex thought it fit to treat his DD like this.

WobblyHalo · 27/02/2013 18:50

I've had to de-lurk to show my disgust at Losing's posts. I'm sorry that you were subjected to that Onemore.

Good luck with everything. You sound pretty reasonable and level headed. And your ex sounds like a prize twat.

Original poster
onemoredayplease · 27/02/2013 18:54

Scary thought longtalljosie. It's all about control for ex.

OP posts:
PuddingWhine · 27/02/2013 18:55

I agree with SGB. There is somethig wrong with a man who expects a nine year old to share his interests!!!!

The step mother issue too complex, I would shelve that one. Remind your daughter that she is not obbliged to share any man's interests. March to the beat of your own drum daughter, and pick your own interests. Interests are to be enjoyed, not some acting role to earn (or eke out) a bit of love from a parent.

Losingexcessweight · 27/02/2013 19:02

Every single mother i know slags off their ex, hes a bastard, hes a twat, he never sees the kids etc etc etc.

And every single person i know that isnt with their child/rens father has gone out of their way to make life difficult for their ex partner, sent abusive texts, spoke to them in nothing but a sarcastic off handed manner.

Messed about with contact arrangements etc.

And then they are the scum of the earth when they drop all contact and refuse to see the child as their ex partner makes life shit.

Its horrible, nobody thinks of the kids.

These bastard ex partners, werent a bastard when you were in a relationship with them or when you were planning children, sharing your bed with them etc.

As soon as you split, hes scum and you try to get everyone to join in on the slanging match whether thats with family, friends or on here.

Every ex partner on here is a bastard, never bothers with the kids etc, and all lone parents make out that their hands are clean and they have bent over backwards for their ex partner.

Theres two sides to every story.

MrsTomHardy · 27/02/2013 19:03

Id just like to add that men do just walk away from their children....my xh did. Ds's were 4 and 6 at the time...they r 14 and 16 now!
He didn't even tell them either, left that little job for me to do.....he only lives 12 miles away too!!!!
The woman he got with didn't want him seeing his kids so he stopped, just like that!!!!

Sorry, don't want to feed the troll but had to say something.
I think you've done the right thing OP by the way.

Losingexcessweight · 27/02/2013 19:03

I rest my case

HecateWhoopass · 27/02/2013 19:11

Really? What's the other side to sitting down with your nine year old child and telling them you don't want anything more to do with them? That you're disowning them. That you no longer want them in your life?

What's the other side of an adult doing that to their own child?

PuddingWhine · 27/02/2013 19:12

losingexcessweight your case is 'your side' and is based on what? your personal experience? your situation?

I don't have any desire to call my x a 'bastard'. Other people work that out and that is embarrassing enough.

There aren't always two sides to every story. My x can see the children whenever he likes, despite never paying a bean of maintenance.

usualsuspect · 27/02/2013 19:12

Go bang your drum somewhere else,losing

WobblyHalo · 27/02/2013 19:15

What do you mean rest your case, Losing?!

I know 2 couples who have spit and has done nothing but think of the children. They get on very well and always have done for the sake of the children. But they are normal, reasonable people.

My best friend's ex is a narcissist. She did not know this when she married him and had a child by the time she figured it out. He is fighting her for custody, yet have only taken their special needs child to one doctor's appointment out of 70 and was half an hour late to boot. Yet he wants custody?! He's doing it purely to win, as by nature that's what narcissists do.

And I know this because he used to be my DH's best friend. I know both sides.

Some people (men and women) are just plain shit. They feel nothing for other poeple or children.

And may I point out what a hypocrite you are Losing, spouting the two sides to every story line, yet you have immediately decided that it was the Op in the wrong?!

PuddingWhine · 27/02/2013 19:16

My x didn't behave well when I was with him either. And in fact I've said to other people in rl and on here that I didn't expect an unreasonable man to become reasonable after I left him.

I love the children more than he does. While he's feeliing sorry for himself I'm getting on with it and raising them, and paying for everything because I love them more than I want to win whatever point it is he's making. The point is more important to him. He is really showing me. Hmm

don't let your current boyfriend's experiences convince you that there is ALWAYS "two sides to every story" or "six of one and half a dozen of the other". this is what my x and his family believe. And they wil tell that to anybody who will listen. So Don't be a misogynist woman. there is nothing worse.

HecateWhoopass · 27/02/2013 19:17

And I fail to see how MrsTom's story is anything other than arsehole man puts current shag ahead of his children. Rest what case exactly? you're keen to make situations women's fault so I assume you think his choice is the fault of the woman who made such a ridiculous demand of him.

Man doesn't give a shiny shit about the children he created and boots them out of his life because he'd rather get laid?

Because if someone said to ME that I had to choose between them and my kids - their (the plank asking me to choose!) feet wouldn't touch the ground, they'd be out of my life so fast.

A woman can come along and demand what she wants. What kind of parent agrees? And who is at fault if they do? THEY are.

MNHQ
OliviaKnowsBestMumsnet · 27/02/2013 19:20

Peace and love all

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