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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DD dad has disowned her - she's 9

126 replies

onemoredayplease · 26/02/2013 09:38

Long story but my ex has disowned our dd (aged 9) he literally sat her down and told her he never wanted to see her again. He also told his wife that she can't have any contact with dd. dd loves her
step mum.

Have tried to support her through this but it's very hard. Step mom wants contact so dd has had contact a couple of times in secret. She saw her yesterday and returned with 2 books and a teddie he has thrown all her other toys. She also told me that step mum had told her that her dad says dd doesn't exist and is not part of his life. She has told dd this before and that ex is being horrible to step mum.

Not sure what to do. Can't change ex and have been trying to maintain contact with step mum but dd was very upset yesterday. Talking about contacting her dad to protect step mum. Feel step mum is treating dd as an adult.

OP posts:
NicknameTaken · 27/02/2013 14:24

No need to feel guilty. You've done your best to support stepmum and you can't make her choices for her. I admire the relationship between you, stepmum and your DD. It sounds like she wasn't necessarily unloading on dd, just answering her questions, which is positive, but if she cares about dd, she'll understand your need to keep her as far away from a toxic situation as possible.

Hopefully she'll see from your example that life away from this man is better!

JugglingFromHereToThere · 27/02/2013 14:24

Don't feel guilty. I'm sure you're right that elements of what she's said to DD have not been helpful to DD. You have asked her before to be more careful but she carried on over sharing from what you said up-thread ?
Plus you can keep evaluating things depending on circumstances - she can still contact you and DD but a break in meeting up with DD for a while seems quite reasonable to me.

Lueji · 27/02/2013 14:52

There's honesty and there's honesty.

I have told DS enough about the causes of me separating from ex, but not too many details, and certainly nothing that could cause DS to feel worse about it.

Original poster
onemoredayplease · 27/02/2013 15:47

Step mum has a way of putting things. I know she and dd love each other and I really don't want to stop that but knowing all the details is wrong. Does she really need to know that her dad is the sort of person who is abusive not just her but also to her step mum?? At 9? Deep down I know I'm right to stop face to face at the minute. Just feel like the bad person- but that is his game. Destroy and hurt as many as possible. Am worn out by it all.

OP posts:
Lueji · 27/02/2013 16:13

TBH, knowing that he is abusive to other people (stepmum) should help your DD realise that it's not about her, but him.
Of course it depends on how much detail the stepmum gives.

Original poster
onemoredayplease · 27/02/2013 17:11

Hadn't thought of that. Thank you, you are right it shows its not just her. I just don't want her to have all the detail.

OP posts:
Losingexcessweight · 27/02/2013 17:12

This all sounds very odd!

So your ex partner after 9 years, just suddenly doesnt want contact?

No explaination, no nothing?

I dont think your telling the whole truth here, do you have something to do with this by any chance?

JugglingFromHereToThere · 27/02/2013 17:16

Maybe unreasonable people don't need reasons for their behaviour ?

I wouldn't waste my time trying to figure him out tbh !

Losingexcessweight · 27/02/2013 17:20

unreasonable people dont just decided after 9 years of contact to stop all contact, throw their toys away, and refuse to speak to them about it.

Theres two sideds to every story. This one has alot missing from it, i bet if he came on here, the op wouldnt be so innocent then.

Ex husbands/partners are always bastards, wont have anything to do with the kids etc..

Yet the mother has never done anything to cause this. Hmm

Original poster
onemoredayplease · 27/02/2013 17:42

How dare you!!! This man had told her several times ( the earliest being aged 3) that he didn't really want dd around as she got in the way of his life. If you must know why he has followed it through it is because HE has moved several hours drive away. He has a new job and new home. The home is on a site which is for over 50s so kids can only visit infrequently. She had to call him grandad whilst she was there. Is that enough for you or do you want me to go?

OP posts:
Original poster
onemoredayplease · 27/02/2013 17:43

My crime? I stand up to him and he doesn't like it.

OP posts:
Original poster
onemoredayplease · 27/02/2013 17:44

I am gob smacked at your assumptions!

OP posts:
Losingexcessweight · 27/02/2013 17:57

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SconeInSixtySeconds · 27/02/2013 18:02

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pookamoo · 27/02/2013 18:06

I can assure you losing that there are retirement communities where visits from people under 50 are restricted.

This is about the OP's family situation, and she has posted in "relationships" not "AIBU".

TolliverGroat · 27/02/2013 18:12

You live a very sheltered life then, Losingexcessweight. My father lived in an over-50s only complex for several years. It's not that unusual.

Original poster
onemoredayplease · 27/02/2013 18:14

Thanks for support. Despite what has been said I have worked really hard to maintain their relationship. Yes excess I do drive her part way to wherever he is. I have chased him for contact because I know she needs a dad. He has cancelled at the last minute, he had hurled abuse at me at handover and he has frightened my daughter. He really is a reasonable person whilst I'm a witch for trying to support his wife ( who is terrified of him).

OP posts:
NicholasTeakozy · 27/02/2013 18:15

You're being ridiculous Losing. Why should the OP drive half way to her ex? As for standing up to him, many women who do this get the shit kicked out of them for it.

As he's moved so far away I'd say it's perfectly probable he abandoned his daughter.

Losingexcessweight · 27/02/2013 18:16

The only over 50s complex i know of is like sheltered housing, care homes, warden controlled etc.

I have never known them to be restricting of their own children to visit.

GeekLove · 27/02/2013 18:16

Op - it is still half term in some parts of the UK and some people have FAR too much time on their hands.

Original poster
onemoredayplease · 27/02/2013 18:19

He lives in an over 50 park home. Look it up it exists. Again his choice despite being told by his wife that it would make having dd impossible.

OP posts:
Losingexcessweight · 27/02/2013 18:19

As he's moved so far away I'd say it's perfectly probable he abandoned his daughter

People have to move to different areas from their families for many different reasons, that doesnt mean they abandoned them.

If the daughters father went to court about travelling, its quite possible that the op would be ordered to do some of it.

Original poster
onemoredayplease · 27/02/2013 18:23

He CHOSE to move there and to an over 50 complex. He had the opportunity to stay local but chose not to. This is irrelevant anyway. He sat daughter down and told her he never wanted to see her again, he told her she is no longer part of his or his families life. Who cares were this man lives.

OP posts:
Losingexcessweight · 27/02/2013 18:23

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usualsuspect · 27/02/2013 18:26

What is your problem, Losing?

Leave the poor OP alone.

She came on here for some support, not for you to give her the 3rd degree.

Op I think you did the right thing cutting contact with the SM. Let things calm down and concentrate on your DD.