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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

'Letter to my husband's lover' from the Guardian

61 replies

toysintheattic · 25/02/2013 18:34

Came across this article from the Guardian:

www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2013/feb/23/letter-to-husbands-lover

I found it really poignant and thought I would share, might help get through difficult times.

OP posts:

Skyebluesapphire · 26/02/2013 11:20

The OW of XH is still with her H, but she spends an awful lot of time with my XH and my DD. It's hard to have DD come home talking about going swimming with Daddy and OW, or to the beach, or walking OW's dog.... doing all the family things that we should be doing, the three of us, not XH and OW and DD.

and after he left, he did all the things that we couldnt afford to do, new wardrobe of clothes, foreign holiday, out for meals all the time, leaving me with a £700 mortgage to pay on my own and a 4yo child to bring up on my own.

I don't know how these men sleep at night.

I am very sorry that you are in that situation, but it is a bit reassuring to me to know that it is actually normal to feel this way...

ike1 · 26/02/2013 11:27

Skye I think people have varying degrees of what we are experiencing....it would have been great if their relationship had failed just so he would have a bit of my pain in his life.

I would have no problem with him having a partner, no problem at all and would be happy to be an acquaintance. I just cant do that with the bitch that booked a hotel room so that she could fuck my exH with the full knowledge he had a 1 year old and 4 year old at home.

ike1 · 26/02/2013 11:30

He of course thinks that enough time has passed and I should be fully accepting of her. There will never be a time when that will happen.. I may not care as much, but she will always be my enemy and unfortunately as accomodating as I am of him, so will he.

ike1 · 26/02/2013 11:37

The thing is Skye these people have not had to learn anything from their actions...it has been an easy ride with only benefits.....now where is the justice in that? It is the total lack of natural justice that could make one very bitter if allowed to fester...

EdwiniasRevenge · 26/02/2013 11:41

Skye. I could have written that post...apart from thw fact I am 2 years on.

Add into that my 6yo dd who insists she is going to marry ow's ds...writing him love letter...valentines cards etc. They all just magically disappear in the bin when she is not looking.

Huge hugs.

Skyebluesapphire · 26/02/2013 11:45

yes, I agree. I don't want to be bitter as it only ruins your own life, not theirs, but I can never be his friend. My XH lied to me about the contact with her, yet was texting her all day every day, from 8am to midnight, all during our family holiday, came back here saying he would try again but no guarantees. Unknown to me, was texting her all night, then making love to me. I feel sick when I think of that. Sending her motivational emails telling her everything will work out OK, whilst failing to support me while my aunt died of cancer. Refusing to see his DD for extra time last summer holidays due to work, then taking a week off to go on holiday with OW and her H and her parents...

Giving her family jobs, then telling me that money is tight and he needs to cut the maintenance. Then buying ipads and all sorts of gadgets.

Living a life of freedom, exciting himself by texting OW all day and all night. When he moved out, he moved in with them. Tea cooked for him, clothes washed for him, nothing to worry about, leaving me with everything to worry about.

Leaving me needing antidepressants and counselling to try and come to terms with him just walking out with no prior warning, to come to terms with the deceit of the contact with OW behind my back and to come to terms with how much it has all affected DD.

While he sits back and his emotional affair (initially) has now stepped up to seeing her behind her H's back, dates together, etc.

I want them to split up, or for her H to find out and they get together properly, because there is no way it will last and then maybe just maybe he will find out what it is like to have his heart broken

Skyebluesapphire · 26/02/2013 11:47

oh and of course, OW is 17 years younger than XH and on her second marriage at the age of 32 after cheating on her first husband with her second.

How gullible was my XH to fall for her flattery and to walk away from his family for that.....

fergoose · 26/02/2013 11:47

It is a heartbreaking letter - and it is heartbreaking that it resonates so loudly with so many of us.

Ormiriathomimus · 26/02/2013 11:53

Oh lordy

H is still with me but even so that letter really spoke to me.

She sounded so dignified and calm.

ike1 · 26/02/2013 12:09

Its the tranquilisers.....

jynier · 06/03/2013 03:02

Grrrr! Can't sleep! Tormented by thoughts of my DXP and OW! I want to be curled up in bed with him!!! Pathetic, isn't it?

bluebeardsbabe · 06/03/2013 14:51

Here's another one who knows exactly how it feels and I feel like I am no closer to healing even though it has almost been a year. Just found out exp and ow got engaged after 8 months together (moved in after 3). All the while I am raising our baby girl on my own. I am tired and feel robbed of the family i thought I would have. I am being slowly erased out of mutual friends lives as they become friends with her. I can't even go out and get pissed and try to momentarily forget it all as stuck at home with dd. feel like my life is a shambles while he is living the high life. It is so tough as I still love him and am still grieving . does it get easier ? I hope so. Maybe we can turn this thread into a bit of a support thread without being called bitter, lol.

jynier · 06/03/2013 23:22

bbb - It is so awful to be rejected; in my case, I have been horrified by the lies and deceit which surfaced 2 years after our separation! Beloved XP's mother died, left him loads of money and I was out on my ear very quickly! He's travelled the world since with OW!

jynier · 06/03/2013 23:56

Oh! This sounds as if I am bitter and twisted - too f***g right!!! Dreamt about him last night (not unusual) and was asking him why he lied!

bbb - You now have a very important little person in your life; children bring joy and meaning into the world! Treasure her forever and ignore the mutual friends! Best wishes,x

Skyebluesapphire · 07/03/2013 15:53

I divorced my XH asap as I was afraid he would get into debt and have just discovered that he is going for an IVA as he owes £20,000. In less than 12 months, he has managed to build up that much debt.

bbb - I am still grieving, I still love him, although I don't want to. It's almost a year for me too, since he finally left for good. It is getting easier, but I usually still have a little cry each day about something..

bluebeardsbabe · 07/03/2013 16:31

I am grieving for the family I will never have, it's really hard and I do hope it gets better. I kept hoping that OW was just a flash in the pan but here we are, one year later. I know I too sound bitter etc but it is hard not too when you are the one left with sorrow and a hole in your heart. It is a loooong process I think and everyone processes at their pace.

I also have a little cry every day although blaming breast feeding hormones, lol. Its very harsh when I look at my dd and just wish for even five minutes we could lie on the floor and play with her as a family. Gosh making myself even more depressed!!!

But you know, its nice to know there are others out there who understand.

bluebeardsbabe · 07/03/2013 16:33

oh and jynier I also found out a lot of lies were said about me, I guess to make him not look like a bad guy....he pretty much rewrote history and I have no way of defending myself....I've pretty much been put out to pasture!

Skyebluesapphire · 07/03/2013 16:44

they all do it. as soon as their head is turned, they rewrite history to give them an excuse to go, especially where children are involved.

I grieve for the loss of family life, especially when DD is with him and I am on my own. It's not the way it should be. I should be spending every weekend with my husband and child, not being on my own every other weekend. I grieve for all the things we had planned for the future, the holidays, all the things we were going to do as she grew up.

Saltpig · 07/03/2013 19:23

I'm still grieving 2 years on. Nothing like the first trauma but it's still there. I can't see myself ever loving someone else like I loved my ex h.

I'm happy, have a good job, lovely DC's. But the future, my future, isn't the one I wanted.

If I were to write such a letter I honestly don't know what I would say. OW has the love of her life and that's something we all want. I'm between hating her, blaming her, wishing her the worst - and letting it go.

Honeysucklerose · 07/03/2013 19:28

Amazingly sad but true it happened to me 22 years ago you dont forget the pain it causes in your heart and especially your children, thanks.

debtherat · 07/03/2013 20:17

This is a wonderful letter - so poignant. At least - small consolation - she has loved and still does. Can't help thinking her OH and OW are just indulging each others egos and shallow sense of self. My OH thinks the love of his life (3 month romance v 25 years of true warts and all love and life) is a precious jewel not to be shared/spoken about and that she is noble to boot not wanted to break up our family - but the damage is done - I am second best and probably always will be even if he re-commits and, it's all my fault of course! I have written lots of letters - angry, bitter, sad - in the past few months - him only one to the "most beautiful woman he has ever met" and a poem to her (password protected on our PC).

Lots of love and light to you and all of us who are not worthy!

jynier · 25/05/2014 03:17

Yes! Want to know how it all worked out for the very hurt women.

jynier · 25/05/2014 03:24

My post was in response to a Zombie Thread Alert which declared this is/was a dead thread (alarmingly red with capitals). Want to know if anyone has recovered from betrayal?

heyday · 25/05/2014 08:54

I can imagine the almost unbearable pain that so many people on here have spoken about. Don't statistics state that 1 in 7 men are cheating? ( women not too far behind either)... This means that so many of us are being cheated on without any knowledge whatsoever. If figures are accurate of course. I wonder if it's worse to be cheated on but be totally oblivious and life carries on pretty much as normal or to to find out and face all this anger/pain and often, the financial hardship. I have been 'hit on' by so many married men, most of whom seemed to be in perfectly reasonably relationships with partners so couldn't even blame an unhappy marriage on their wayward behaviour. I find it hard to trust any man really which I know is sad and also unfair but it's what life has taught me. I hope that in time the wounds will heal for you. Betrayal is a terrible thing.

jynier · 25/05/2014 22:58

Thanks, heyday. Wanted to know if life had improved for the women who were betrayed.

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