'Letter to my husband's lover' from the Guardian

[toysintheattic]

Came across this article from the Guardian:

www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2013/feb/23/letter-to-husbands-lover

I found it really poignant and thought I would share, might help get through difficult times.

This really spoke to me too, having a very emotional day, stbxh has been here for a week seeing DS2 and after a lot of wrangling and pedantic fuckwittery from him has eventually signed the financial agreement.
It was all very awkward and horrible and he has now gone off to the airport to fly back to OW. I am up to my neck in cardboard boxes as am moving house tomorrow and just sat and howled in the kitchen for a good couple of hours. For the first time DC saw me crying didn't even have the energy to go out in the car like I usually do.
Its just so hard and although I am generally in a better place days like today bring it all back again.
I am sooo tempted to send that to OW or ex but won't as I have at least maintained my dignity and don't want them to think that I give a toss.

I am in the same position and have posted on here - but some time ago. I retired two years ago - lecturer alongside my ex - who continued working.
We lived together for 21 years he helped bring up my youngest son.I stumbled on his mobile phone last February - (found out subsequently he had 3 on the go) messaging (44+) a colleague who has was supporting through the Union (he a left wing socialist) how much he loved her. I confronted him - it was 'all my fault for snooping and looking at his phone'. There then followed a very tense few months where, when I tried to talk to him about his quite serious emotional affair - he dismissed me with hand gestures (hand under chin etc) I then found at Christmas that he had started contacting a temporary lecturer on his team. The OW (20 yrs younger) started sending BT txt messages through our house phone which I unfortunately picked up. She an ardent feminist by the way. After the most dreadful scene where it was 'all my fault' again I was called names no women should ever be called. Needless to say this time I packed his stuff and sent him on his way. However, my son who my ex helped bring up (from the age of 3) teaches on the same team in the same College. My ex has put my son through the humiliating experience of teaching both alongside him and his new woman. My ex now treats my son as though they have never met. He has completely cut off all contact with me. It is as though the last 21 years never existed. I can't believe it.
I am about to lose my beautiful home at the age of 65 because my pension will not support me here financially and am beginning to pack my stuff (like you I am crying a lot) My ex and the OW are financially secure and about to buy a house together.
On top of this he is circulating completely dreadful stories about me and my children.
He comes from a very wealthy middle class family and I, although an academic, clawed my way up from the working classes. Apparently for some reason that has given him the right to call my family the 'scumbag family' not only to me but to members of his close family who now believe I am the most evil nasty woman walking.
My world has totally imploded and I am finding it v difficult to remain positive. Thank god that my sons and my family are supporting me because without them I don't think there would be a reason to carry on.
What I am most afraid of is ending up a bitter and twisted woman.

yorkshirewoman - I am so sorry for your troubles. Simply don't understand how men can do this to women who love them!

You and I have a lot in common.

Best wishes

Oh, what sad stories on here. Yorkshirewoman especially here are some .

I too am packing up my ex marital home, and moving on, but grateful to have got rid of the twunt I was married to, and the OW did a fine job in taking him off my hands. I asked him for a divorce long before I had evidence of OW and he could have walked away then with dignity and the respect of his children in tact but he choose to remain and behave more and more badly towards us all. The relationships with the DC were as broken as they were with me by the time I had my evidence.

I feel incredibly positive for myself about my new life and cant wait to get on with it, when I move. I know I am lucky to feel this way, especially after reading this thread.

However, I am still very sad to keep coming across photographs and other memories of a past family life that imploded. My (adult) DC's won't have anything to do with their DF and whilst that is entirely understandable it still hurts, and he now makes no attempt to contact them. I would be prepared, despite everything, to attend future weddings etc, with Twunt and OW in attendance (if she sticks it out), because I love my children.

Springy - You seem very positive and focussed: what is your new life all about?

Gosh, not sure I can answer that question jynier., well not without a novel's worth of back story anyway!

After much pondering I am going to give you one word that sums it up. I want it to be about peace. Peace from all the vileness and peace to enjoy being with my family and friends. Enough peace in my heart too to be able to give something back to them, after they have supported me so much. That applies especially to my youngest DC who has been an absolute rock, having had to live through my recovery.

I remember your story so well Springy I'm so glad for you that things are going well at last and you have started your new life.
Very best wishes

Allalonenow, thank you for remembering me. It's been a long road but I've got there after three years. .

So a couple of weeks after your birthday, I will turn 50. Single for the first time in 21 years. I have quite a dilemma choosing how to celebrate. If it wasn't a "big" birthday I would probably just let it pass fairly quietly. But I can't escape from the fact that if he was still here, we would be planning something grand. We had talked about a big trip this year; I had been saving up for it. All the options I consider feel like attempts to compensate for my loss and that just magnifies my sadness and loneliness. Some ideas are defiantly grandiose, and could end up feeling hollow and pointless. Either way I feel I am trying to choose based on the absence of him. I need it to be about me.

Yes, it does.