I'm miserable and don't know what to do to fix it

[youmaycallmeSSP]

DH and I have been married 4 years, 2 DC. I've been utterly miserable for a large part of that time and I don't want to keep feeling this way. Nothing majorly major has happened but it's constant low-level stuff that is wearing me down. It's all so petty it feels ridiculous but some examples fron the last few months are:

• DH has 3 household jobs to do: washing up, emptying 2 bins, putting DS to bed. The washing up is regularly left for up to 3 days. The bins aren't emptied until rubbish is falling onto the floor. When left alone with DS DH sits there playing on his iPhone. He leaves rubbish, dirty clothes and used crockery around the house. Due to ^ I feel too embarrassed to have friends round. I resent having to pick up after an adult.

• I am wearing shoes that cost £5 new and have holes in and a coat that I borrowed from BIL because I didn't have one warm enough. DH knows this. Just before Christmas DH spent £££ on designer shoes and a coat for himself. I am on maternity leave so have hardly any money of my own and have given over £200 to DH this month to help cover bills. All requests for a joint account have gone nowhere.

• DH cancelled direct debits to pay for the mortgage and council tax and then made no alternative arrangements to cover them despite having the money to do so. The first I knew of it was when I opened letters and received calls from debt collectors. DH then lied to me about sorting it out. Not the first time he has been dishonest about finances and debt.

• DH has started playing squash with someone who spent a year spreading untrue gossip about me through our group of friends. When I told him I was upset he said I was being hysterical and carried on.

• I still don't have a Christmas present :(

• It's DS's birthday party today. DH said he would give me £100 to cover food. I bought the food but DH now denies saying this. This kind of thing happens a lot.

• He has voluntary work' that means he's out 3 evenings a week and most of one weekend day. I've told him I'm struggling with a toddler and an EBF baby but he puts the volunteering first so I've had to enlist help from DM and MIL.

I just hate constantly worrying about bills and money when DH earns a decent amount. I feel unappreciated and disrespected. I hate that I'm the one who has to do all the organising, the planning, the little things that keep life running smoothly and DH has to be constantly reminded to do the bare minimum. I am in tears most days because I'm either so angry at yet another thing left undone or feeling so bleak that this is my life. He's refused to do marriage counselling. Talking nicely makes no difference. Asking means I'm nagging. Shouting makes no difference and makes me feel worse.

I don't want to leave but what else can I do to fix this?

You won't fix it. Been there. {{hugs}}

You need to decide if you want the rest of your life to be like this.

This is appalling. This isn't what 'life' is about. You are trapped in a horrible, abusive existence by an abusive bastard. Why the actual fuck should you make steps to fix this? You are not the issue. God I feel so pissed off on your behalf. Are you able to leave? Do you have family or friends.nearby?

"I don't want to leave but what else can I do to fix this?"

You can't do anything because you have no power in this relationship. He holds all the cards, all the money, everything. His life is fine and dandy so he has zero incentive to change. The only way you can make a man like this sit up and take notice is if you threaten to make his life worse by removing something he finds valuable... i.e. yourself and the children. It's a risky strategy because you have to be prepared to follow through, of course. But the alternative, watching a man put a metaphorical wrecking ball through your life, spend your money, 'volunteering' (OW?) and generally treat you like dirt, is a fast-track to misery and depression.

If you asked him to leave you'd instantly be better off. What's stopping you?

Why don't you want to leave? What does he add to to your life by being there?

Because why I am reading is that he is selfish, lazy, does not pay attention to your needs, is financially abusive, emotionally abusive, ignores your children and has managed such a good job of cowing you that you actually think all these things are petty.

You cannot rely on this man for emotional or practical help, to ensure you have the basic things you need in life, or even to ensure you have a roof over your children's heads. In fact, it's an insult to actual men to use the word man for him.

Does your mil realise how her son is behaving? If so, what does she have to say?

Oh love, he's an out and out bastard. I'm so sorry you are in this situation, but only YOU can change it. Sit him down with a list of his twattish behaviour, and tell him these are the reasons he needs to go. See what he says, either he makes a mahoosive turn around, or follow through, things will not be this bad without him.

Your H doesn't see you as human or an equal partner in this relationship.

You are there to cook, clean and provide childcare with minimum to zero impact on his lifestyle.

What he is doing is financial abuse.

He is also treating your children like this now. Do you want this for them?

I doubt he will change which leaves you with not many options. You may be skint and knackered alone but what you have will be yours and not spent on some selfish uncaring arsehole.

Do you love him? Presumably you did once - what was he like then and when did he change?

His behaviour is intolerable and I doubt he can change for the better, tbh. If he was able to, he'd never have begun to treat you like this in the first place.

What is alarming me is that you see what you have posted as "petty".
It is far from petty.

Which probably means, this is the sort of thing you have been used to in your life?

Dump the fucker. This man has no respect for you. No point in hanging around in the vain hope he'll suddenly see the light. What a mean, nasty excuse for a man. You and your DC deserve better.

You've been conditioned by him to accept this and none of what you describe re him is at all petty. He is abusive; this is all about power and control.

He is abusing you on many levels; financial, emotional are but two abusive behaviours being shown by him here. He does not give a monkeys for either you or your children.

Unsurprisingly he has refused marriage counselling. Such men do and it would have no effect on his behaviours anyway.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships here; after all they are learning from the two of you. Is this really what you want them to replicate in their own relationships as adults?. They could well go onto do this in their own adult relationships. Your children are being emotionally harmed here by him because they are too clearly seeing the awful ways in which he treats you; the person after all he is supposed to love and cherish. He does not know the meaning of the word.

Read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft and it may well open your eyes. He is controlling and controlling behaviours are abusive ones. He learnt this from somewhere; perhaps his Dad is controlling. Whatever, it is deeply rooted and learnt.

You are a slave put in a cage of his own making.

Re your comment:-
I don't want to leave but what else can I do to fix this?

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Why do you not want to leave? (that is also a genuine question). Is it due to fear, shame, embarrassment at having "failed" somehow in your marriage. I ask as these thoughts are often behind such comment.

You cannot fix this, there is nothing fixable here. Also he would have to want to put the work in and he clearly does not want to because he has everything that he wants from his life. He is clearly getting what he wants out of this, but what about you?.

Ultimately you have no option but to separate.

But this stuff is majorly major I'm afraid.

I think you need to look at getting out of this relationship.

He has shown you loudly and clearly what sort of man he is and what he thinks of you.

You need to leave him. You would be MUCH happier and MUCH better off financially without him.

He is abusing you in every way except giving you a thump - he thinks so little of you now that that could well be next.

OP, go onto this site to see what you're entitled to. Don't worry about having to claim benefits; it won't be forever, just until you're all sorted out. If he gives you money for the children (and frankly, I wouldn't hold my breath) then it won't affect the money you're entitled to.

You shouldn't live like this and this man, who vowed to love and cherish you, is abusing you. You MUST get away from him.

£100 for food for a children's party??? But that would be the only thing I'd think was a bit excessive. All the rest dreadful. From being out volunteering when you are struggling to cope and you getting no Christmas present and him buying designer clothes. He's selfish and I don't think he'll change. It's a miserable life for you and you should think about leaving. I agree that you have no power in this relationship and that's the root of all the problems.

This is AWFUL. Not petty!!

You are being treated like a second class person in your own home.

I don't usually say this but I don't think you really have any other option but to leave. You've told him often enough! Financially youd actually probably be better off (look on entitledto.com).

I am a sahm and we pool all our money. We have equal spending money. And believe me we aren't rich! We do everything together, financially and otherwise. But he is my second husband..my first was a lot.like yours !

He considers his money his and the child you have to be yours or he would contribute equally, he also feel entitled not to have to pay the bills so is childlike too. it won't get any better don't sleep walk through this wake up and see this won't get any better as he does not see u as an equal he thinks he is more important, you need to get angry about this but it is making u depressed. I know I am there and the longer you are in it the harder it is to get away from it. it sounds like everything revolves around him.

Thanks for all the responses. Sorry for posting and running, party in progress!

I spoke to someone in RL who was a bit confused as to why I wasn't just doing the washing up etc. if I was that bothered about it so that's why I mentioned things being petty. I'm a bit by your completely opposite responses.

Someone asked why I haven't left. A few reasons really.

1. I am scared of having no money. I'm on maternity leave from a well-paid job that I love but it's part-time and last year I pursued a grievance against my manager who is a sly, manipulative bully with the integrity of a chocolate teapot. Part-time jobs in my field are almost unheard of and going full-time would mean travelling abroad several times a month which obviously isn't doable as a single mum of small children.

2. I really believe in marriage and would not walk away without exhausting every single option to make it work.

3. It's difficult to paint a representative pictute here but I do think that DH is a fundamentally decent man. His parents are recently divorced because this is how his father behaved so he hasn't had a good example of how to be a husband and father. He's not blind to FIL's faults, he just can't see that he's emulating them :( I have no doubt that he would be astonished that anyone would consider him to be abusive. In his mind he's doing his best but he just forgets about things or just doesn't realise xyz or he didn't want me to worry about abc. Getting him to remember, to realise, to make an effort etc. is what needs to happen to make this work.

Honestly, I'm not saying I'm an angel either and I also need to be kinder and more patient. I want this to be a joint effort though and working as a team, not making effort in different directions IYSWIM.

The money issues alone would be enough to leave him.
You may well end up in debt that you have not created.

The risk of leaving seems minor compared with staying, IMO.

I'd check asap with a solicitor.

He will have to give you money for the children and maintenance, as you stay at home part of the time for child care.
I suspect you'll be better off financially on your own.

Getting him to remember, to realise, to make an effort etc. is what needs to happen to make this work.

No no no. He can see the overflowing bin and the dirty crockery but he just doesn't give a shit. He's not forgetting to give you money he promised he would - he's gaslighting you.

He isn't decent. His dad wasn't decent and he's not decent. It's a crying shame that people get broken and ruined by their upbringings and that means they don't get to be married to you anymore.

I think your belief in marriage and desire to see it work is clouding your perception of the reality here. If he were a fundamentally decent man then he wouldn't treat like shit. He wouldn't buy himself a new coat while you're in borrowed from your BIL coat - he wouldn't see you in £5 shoes and buy himself new ones. That's just not how decent people behave.

Nothing you said in your OP was petty. This isn't petty shit - this is someone who just doesn't care enough to make any sort of concessions or effort.

Could you show him this thread? Would that be the short sharp shock he needs?

Your husband isn't a "fundamentally decent man", he is abusive. Of course he wouldn't see himself as abusive. He feels justified and entitled in treating you like this. As such it will be next to impossible for him to change. And the only way for him to change would be to have real consequences for his actions i.e. you and the children leaving plus his family/friends not supporting his actions.

The person in RL you spoke to doesn't seem to understand abusive relationships and also feels it is OK that a grown man doesn't pull his weight (if all you told them was about the housework. If you told them about the financial abuse too and they still didn't get it then their version of normal and acceptable is skewed). It isn't OK and you don't have to put up with it.

I'd also recommend reading Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That. I imagine it would be an eye-opener.

"I really believe in marriage and would not walk away without exhausting every single option to make it work."

You cannot make a marriage work single-handed, especially if the other person doesn't see there is a problem, especially if you won't entertain the idea of splitting, and especially if you're willing to make so many excuses for that other person's behaviour. He may not have had a good example of how to behave from his own father but, unless he has been living in a bubble the rest of the time, he must have come across a lot of better examples of men to model himself on. As an adult, he has the choice to behave well or badly.... he's currently choosing the latter.

BTW... the 'I'm no angel' fall-back is very common. If you attach any kind of blame to yourself, if you think you are responsible for his behaviour, then you are letting him off the hook.

He is not 'fundamentally decent'. He's lazy. He lies. He has got you in money difficulties. He's selfish with his time and doesn't prioritise his family. See him for what he is.

'I am scared of having no money.'

But you've got no money NOW . At least you would be poor on your own terms without being lied to and manipulated.
You can't be in a marriage and be the only person who 'believes' in it. Your husband is doing everything apart from wearing a t-shirt saying 'I DON'T GIVE A SHIT FOR YOU'.
Don't be like his mother and waste so much of your life and your childrens' life waiting for him to change.

A poster called Olgaga has put up a list of useful resources re proposed separation. If you search her name you will find it.

He has already pissed on your marriage vows by failing to treat you as an equal within the marriage. He has all the power and you have none at all. There is still some fight left in you because you realise that this is intolerable otherwise you would not have posted.

You cannot make a slowly failing marriage work on your own; living the life you are currently living is a slow death, a death by 1000 cuts if you will. He does not want to do anything to improve this marriage from your point of view because he is already getting what he wants out of it i.e keeping you in the hole you have partly dug for yourself. Your job now is to get out of the hole rather than continue to try and grow flowers in it (an example of this is by writing that you're no angel either).You are not responsible for his behaviour, he is. He actively chooses to act like this, why well partly because he can and also because this in ingrained within his pysche.

Your H learnt an awful lot of damaging stuff on relationships from his parents, these same awful lessons are now being imparted to your children. Is this really the ideal relationship role model for them to be witness to and be a part of?. What do you want to teach them about relationships, currently both of you are imparting damaging lessons to your children. Sorry to write that but you are.

He is not a fundamentally decent man to be treating you and by turn your children like this, like his father he is a deeply flawed individual. Its nothing to do with you supposedly having to be kinder and more patient at all towards him.

I feel sorry for you.

No. 1 of your list. Others have covered that.
No2. I believe in marriage too. But you can seperate.You dont have to divorce. Is there peace in your house?
To get a good marriage, the 2nd person needs to cooperate and compromise too. And change if necessary, and say sorry sometimes, or at least mean it.
No 3. His behaviour is not decent. And tbh, that bit of it all bothers me most of all. That you think that his behaviour os fundamentally decent.
What sort of childhood did you have? How did your mum and dad treat each other?