I'm miserable and don't know what to do to fix it

[youmaycallmeSSP]

DH and I have been married 4 years, 2 DC. I've been utterly miserable for a large part of that time and I don't want to keep feeling this way. Nothing majorly major has happened but it's constant low-level stuff that is wearing me down. It's all so petty it feels ridiculous but some examples fron the last few months are:

• DH has 3 household jobs to do: washing up, emptying 2 bins, putting DS to bed. The washing up is regularly left for up to 3 days. The bins aren't emptied until rubbish is falling onto the floor. When left alone with DS DH sits there playing on his iPhone. He leaves rubbish, dirty clothes and used crockery around the house. Due to ^ I feel too embarrassed to have friends round. I resent having to pick up after an adult.

• I am wearing shoes that cost £5 new and have holes in and a coat that I borrowed from BIL because I didn't have one warm enough. DH knows this. Just before Christmas DH spent £££ on designer shoes and a coat for himself. I am on maternity leave so have hardly any money of my own and have given over £200 to DH this month to help cover bills. All requests for a joint account have gone nowhere.

• DH cancelled direct debits to pay for the mortgage and council tax and then made no alternative arrangements to cover them despite having the money to do so. The first I knew of it was when I opened letters and received calls from debt collectors. DH then lied to me about sorting it out. Not the first time he has been dishonest about finances and debt.

• DH has started playing squash with someone who spent a year spreading untrue gossip about me through our group of friends. When I told him I was upset he said I was being hysterical and carried on.

• I still don't have a Christmas present :(

• It's DS's birthday party today. DH said he would give me £100 to cover food. I bought the food but DH now denies saying this. This kind of thing happens a lot.

• He has voluntary work' that means he's out 3 evenings a week and most of one weekend day. I've told him I'm struggling with a toddler and an EBF baby but he puts the volunteering first so I've had to enlist help from DM and MIL.

I just hate constantly worrying about bills and money when DH earns a decent amount. I feel unappreciated and disrespected. I hate that I'm the one who has to do all the organising, the planning, the little things that keep life running smoothly and DH has to be constantly reminded to do the bare minimum. I am in tears most days because I'm either so angry at yet another thing left undone or feeling so bleak that this is my life. He's refused to do marriage counselling. Talking nicely makes no difference. Asking means I'm nagging. Shouting makes no difference and makes me feel worse.

I don't want to leave but what else can I do to fix this?

You can't see the wood for the trees.

If he respected you as an individual and an equal partner why isn't he sharing money equally with you? You MUST have the same spending money as an absolute bottom line. Otherwise everything else is bullshit - it just shows a total lack of appreciation and respect for your role.

Ok so perhaps you job wouldn't work as a single parent. You do realise you don't have to go back to the same job don't you? You don't even have to stay in the same field. You don't sound very happy there anyway from what you say. I'd start looking for something else now or nearer to the end of your maternity leave.

If you are a single parent in any low ish paid job you will get help from tax credits etc. This may change slightly in April ... with universal credit .. but seriously worth exploring.

When my dh left I was made redundant from a 35k job and ended up being a single mum on a minimum wage 16 hour a week cafe job. I was actually happier doing this and having less money.

It made me reevaluate everything. Maybe it's time for you to do the same.

I feel really angry for you actually. I want to reach in and shake your dh.

I want this to be a joint effort though and working as a team

Face facts, honey. This just ain't going to happen unless/until your h gets one godalmighty wake up call but, even then, the chances of him amending his ways are slim to non-existent.

Your h is emotionally, financially, and I'd hazard a guess, verbally abusive.

Visit www.womensaid.org.uk to locate your nearest branch, give them a call on Monday to ask for recommendations for solicitors who specialise in divorce and family law and who offer a free half an hour initial consulatation, and book an appointment with your chosen lawyer asap.

After you have been made aware of your legal entitlements, tell your h that, if he doesn't shape up, he may as well ship out now as you intend to divorce him on the grounds of his unreasonable behaviour - and mean it!

Holy Crap! & I thought I had it bad!

The way this 'man' treats you is WRONG.

There is nothing to fix here, I think you know that. I also think deep down you know you are a strong woman & can leave him with your head held high. I wish you all the best x

Thanks all for your comments. There's a lot for me to think about.

If a friend of mine had written my OP I know what I would say but somehow when it's happening to me it isn't so clear-cut. I'm not ready to leave. There are so many things that I need to improve on that I feel like if I can get those things right maybe it will improve the situation. I know that makes no sense but it's where I am at this moment in time.

I'm not going to show him this thread because I didn't bother to NC and I want to be able to use MN as a safe space where I can be anonymous. He doesn't like MN and wouldn't take any notice anyway. I also tried it before but he posted his version of events and I got a flaming that I don't really feel like repeating.

I do think he needs someone external to sit him down and tell him that this isn't on. MIL is so pleased that he isn't like his dad that it won't be her. I'll have to have a think about that. There's no point me being brutally honest because I've done that and it produces no lasting change. The other week I asked him why he doesn't do the things he's promised to do time after time despite having the sane arguments every week and he just said that it doesn't seem like a big deal. I don't know how to get through that.