Letter from my estranged dad, clarity needed (sorry, long)

[TheAccidentalExhibitionist]

I need a little help to get some clarity please.
I'm estranged from both parents.
I haven't seen my M for 17 years. She has NPD and being in contact was terribly traumatic and made me ill. I have absolute clarity about having no contact with her.

My F remarried a woman also with NPD. He had always come and gone out of my life. He would abandon contact as soon as anything difficult happened or if he thought there would be a confrontation or someone would disagree with him. He is a very fragile man who doesn't see any problem with his wifes behaviour. She is frighteningly like my M, controlling, angry and manipulative.

I last saw him 9 years ago. He had cancelled an event and not told me, I explained it had caused us childcare difficulties. His wife was screaming "she can fuck off" in the background. She came on the phone, words were exchanged, hers were heated, mine were very controlled, very calm, which made her furious.
I recieved a letter from him in the next few days explaining why I was a cold, terrible person and that if I didn't apologise they would never speak to me again.
I sent a letter back saying sorry if any offence was caused but I couldn't tolerate being threatened like that. I asked for a commitment from my F to stay in contact and try to work through any issues as I didn't want to lose my relationship with him over a petty argument.
I got another letter saying a written apology wasn't good enough I had to apologise face to face to his wife or he'd never speak to me again.

After some consideration I decided not to apologise in person and contact was therefore lost between us. For years I had been walking on eggshells knowing at if I stepped out of line at all my F would disappear out of my life. I was exhausted, tired of being frightened of losing him and thinking I must be a terrible person for him to treat me this way.
I made my peace with it and felt liberated from the confusion. I felt I had made the right decision to protect my DS from being exposed to the same sort of behaviour. Even though its been the right decision it was much harder to do than with my M, my emotions have been confused. I feel in some way responsible for my Fs emotional state and I'm sad that it couldn't work.
In the interim they have sent my DS gifts at Christmas time with a card to him.
I've not given him the gifts. I felt no contact meant no contact.

Fast forward 9 years and I've recieved a letter from him, sent via my inlaws address. He hints he is dying, that he doesn't know why I wanted to cause him so much anguish. That I threw back the hand of friendship offered by his wife. That I never had the grace to say thankyou for the gifts he sent my DS. That he intends to write a book of his life , if he can finish it before his death and that he wants me to give it to my DS so my DS can make up his own mind about who was in the wrong. He doesn't want a response to the letter.

I feel really confused, I recognise it was a manipulative letter but I feel like a child again. I'm upset at the thought that he might be dying and I want to apologise again for being an awful person. I need help to think this through rationally because its tapped into childlike feelings that I can't get a handle on.
Thanks so much for reading this very long post.

Dear OP, there will be others on here with more direct experience than me, but I will just say that reading your post made me feel sad. Sad that even at the end of his life (possibly) your father still cannot take responsibility for his part in your relationship, is still unfairly blaming you and, as you say, being manipulative. YOU ARE NOT AN AWFUL PERSON. Of course you still have that childlike need for your father's love and approval, and it seems to me you are very wise and mature in recognising this. As to whether to dignify his letter with a response, that is your choice. Either way, you will handle it.

Sweety, where in all this were you an 'awful person'?

Seriously?

If has chosen deeply flawed and horrendously damaged women to be his companions, choosing them over you, failing to protect or support you, letting YOU down.

HIs whole letter is disgusting, me me me. Sounds like he's picked up some traits from his wives there.

This man is never going to be the safe, loving, caring man you need him to be.

Don't fall into the trap that is believing this rambling nonsense of his.

He needs to lie in that bed he made for himself, you need to protect your family FROM him.

Ignore the letter.

From the letter it doesn't sound like he's changed much. Still thinks he's right, still trying to manipulate you and make you feel guilty. It doesn't sound like you're an awful person or that you need to apologise at all.

I've been NC with my mum for only a few weeks and already I'm fretting about what I'll do/how I feel if she dies or I find out she's dying. I really, really don't know. Only you can decide if you want to see him again before he does die.

I'd be very pissed off about this book he's writing for your DS though. It sounds like it will be a very one sided version of events which paints you in a bad light.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

You are not the awful person in this relationship.

I don't know what you should do though , but if it were my father sending me that letter I would not reply , and my DS would certainly not be reading the book .

Thanks everyone, I cried like a baby reading your responses.

I'd like to make peace with him before he dies but that would come at a high cost. I think I would have to accept his assertions that I was in the wrong and an awful person. He doesn't want to see me anyway, as in his words the letter was 'closure' on his relationship with me.

I too would be worried about giving my DS a book of my Fs life. I know I would get all the blame for everything. It would confuse my DS, he has ASD and would take what is written at face value.

I would post the letter back to him and not open any others.

He is not a good man, you have done nothing wrong, protect yourself and your family.

That's the thing FannyFifer I've always felt that he was a good man but messed up. That's exactly where the confusion is and why I feel the need to protect his hurt feelings and make it better for him. Ridiculous isn't it?

Look, if he is dying and if he writes a book and manages to get it published and give you a copy - you don't have to read it.

My mother is a horrible person, alcoholic EA with narc tendencies. I spent many years thinking 'poor dad having to live like that' before it occurred to me that he was enabling her, she was just like his mother and shouldn't he have been protecting his children? Your father holds some responsibility in exposing you to your mother and SM - he does not need your protection.

There IS NO book... Mark my words, it's BS to get you to panic, and make peace before he tells your son all about your 'crimes' (all totally imagined by him/his wives). And anyway, your son would believe YOU over someone who hurt his mother.

Don't even blink. Bin the letter, hold your DS close and know that you are a better parent than HIM, your dm AND cruella wife number 2 COMBINED!

He failed YOU. Over and over and over. And he'll do so again and again and again if you let him.

Don't make peace with him if it comes at his prices. You have done nothing wrong.

Remember he has to LIE to make YOU look bad. To make him look bad, all you have to do is tell the truth.

Dear Accidental,

You say he is a good man but messed up. If ONLY he could sort himself out, everything would be great, right???

That's the crux of the issue. He hasn't sorted himself out. Past behaviours indicates future behaviour. He is not coming to you with any sort of new understanding and apology. He is coming to you the same as he always was.

Your issue, it seems to me, is the sadness of the loss of what could have been, had he sorted himself out, and the pain that he has stirred that wound up again.

I think there is no new information here. He is as he has always been.

Ignore, don't respond, tend to your sadness.

I don't see my family either. It's been longer n my case. It does get easier.

Take care xxx

A good man but messed up?

That latter he sent was calculated to hurt you.

He wants you to think that you are an awful person.

He also wants your son to think you are an awful person.

What kind of person wants those things for their own child?

Not a fundamentally good one.

You were excised from his life because you refused to buy into his (self-pitying, self-aggrandising) narrative.

He's trying to force you to buy into it before he dies. His death might well not be imminent, but he knows referring to it will heap on more guilt.

He is a manipulative, unkind, petty man.

And it sounds like he always has been.

Ok,

How are you going to feel if he does die and you haven't responded? For me that is the key thing.

Tbh he sounds absolutely awful, emotionally immature at the best interpretation. It sounds as though you have not done anything wrong at all.

But if he will continue to haunt you, not Ds to whom you can explain things, then you need to protect yourself somehow. Non response is one way, kind assertive negative response is another.

So he let you down re an event, is OK with his wife shouting "she can fuck off", & it´s your fault??

This is going to sound horrible-but the fact that he is (may be?) dying doesn´t change that.

He just thinks it will finally manipulate you into apologising imo.

He isn't a good man he is an enabler he enabled your M and SM to hurt blame belittle and demonise you.

No, your Dad was never a good man. He was always a weak bystander who has acted and continues to act out of self preservation and want of a quiet life. He has abjectly failed to protect you as his daughter from both his first wife and his second.

(I did wonder what his own childhood was like; he was likely also raised by NPD parents).

My NPD FIL wrote some pathetic both typed and handwritten missive i.e all me, me, me, no money, not my fault guv. You have to detach and ignore such communiques. Receiving such is shite granted but you have to ignore these and not engage. They are annoyed with you precisely because you rightly backed off and kept away from all their dysfunction and refused to be in their game.

He knew that letter would hurt you, that is precisely why it was sent.

His letter is all me, me and me some more. I would also surmise there is no book either; quite apart from anything else which publisher would want to actually go to the expense of printing such a tome of misspent times. If he thinks you would actually hand it to your DS as well he is truly out of his mind.

Destroy such a letter now and free yourself further from his tyranny.

Oh OP you sound so measured and sorted to be so rational in the face of these awful people. I wish I could give you a hug because you don't deserve to be treated like that.

He says you rejected the hand of friendship, but she was screaming at you down the phone and then try demanded you apologise face to face (grovel for them to stay in your life in other words). Where was the friendship? What kind of parent does that? Not a good one.

If there is a book, it sounds like it'll be filled with the same self-aggrandising pitying nonsense. The bin is the best place for that.

Ignore. He'll just hurt you all over again. You are a good person to protect your DS from this.

Sending you very unMN hugs

This post is like a post from me in the future!! I've been NC with my EA parents for a few years now. They occasionally try to contact me through my in laws too I'm always waiting for that exact letter - I'm dying, woe is me etc etc

You need to ignore it. It's the same old BS, he's just feeling sorry for himself and trying to blackmail you. I bet you any amount of money he's not actually dying, he's just being a hypocondriac. Where's the apology for the dreadful way he allowed you to be treated? Where's the "I really did wrong, I want to apologise to you for all the things I did wrong, I take responsibility"? It's not there, because it's still the same old toxic bollocks it was before.

You did the right thing by not giving your DS their gifts too.

Ignore, chuck out the letter. Don't get sucked in. You are STRONG. You can DO THIS. Think about how fantastic your life has been since you went NC!!!

Nasty nasty man.

What a vicious nasty thing to do.

That letter is pure cold manipulation to make you feel bad/guilty and grovel for his forgiveness.

There is nothing in it about love, sorrow for pain caused to you,about how he made mistakes as a parent over the years, or how he is sorry for treating his child, one of the most precious gifts in the world.

It is deliberately calculated to express how disappointed he is in you, how he is the victim and to guilt you.

Hard as it is throw it, take it into the garden and burn it. You will gain nothing from any involvement apart from exposing your child to this vile person and more heartache for your self.

He is the parent, you are (were) the child - that's the biology of it. But he's behaving almost as if it were the other way round; him the fractious toddler, you the adult who is supposed to make everything better. He doesn't want a relationship with his daughter, he wants someone to blame for life not being perfect.

Just think of it this way. What awful thing would your DS have to do, just how bad a person would he have to be, before you sent him a letter like that? I don't think you'd do it whatever he did. And logically, you know you didn't do anything particularly awful (I'd say what you did was quite right, actually, but if you want to put the worst possible light on it, it was still forgiveable). It's horrible to think someone you love thinks badly of you, but it's his perception that's all wrong, not your behaviour. It is not your filial duty to just suck up everything horrible your parents want to throw at you. Nor is it your duty to be the peacemaker between them and their chosen spouses. (Especially when the spouse in question is not interested in peace.)

You may well be right that he is damaged rather than bad, but you didn't damage him and, sadly, nothing you can do will ever fix him. Your first priority has to protect yourself and DS from being damaged the same way. You actually deserve a pretty big pat on the back for growing up to be a decent, loving person under the circumstances. Your DS will not repeat the pattern your parents learned from their parents because you have, impressively, broken the mould.

AttilaTheMeercat. Your post really resonated with me. My M was a violent sexual abuser who actively sought out other sexual abusers to expose me to.
Much of it happening openly in front of my F. He was weak and always looking the other way for the quiet life so he didn't get hurt.

Both parents were sexually, physically and emotionally abused as children.

Zara1984 My life has been absolutely amazing since NC with my Ps. I feel liberated and empowered, years of counselling helped. I'm amazed at my ability to cope with difficult events since having NC.
If I consider realistically what would happen if I got back in contact it would be a massive step backwards for me.

something2say I agree i think I'm feeling the sadness of what could have been and what I always hope for. It's not going to happen though is it? He will never be the F I wanted or needed.

Thanks everyone so much, I'm really gaining strength and clarity from reading your replies.

HeyHoHereWeGo that would feel very therapeutic, I have considered writing a letter. I know I don't even need to send it.
Getting this letter has made me a feel a victim again. Something that feels very familiar to me from my childhood but which I've worked hard to try and leave behind left, I'm a survivor now not a victim.
Choosing whether or not to respond feels empowering and I desperately need to feel like I'm making adult choices.

If he's writing a book (he isn't, well, perhaps in his head... Fiction section) then so can you.

Your book'd have this as an intro :

"My M was a violent sexual abuser who actively sought out other sexual abusers to expose me to.
Much of it happening openly in front of my F. He was weak and always looking the other way for the quiet life so he didn't get hurt."

In your head, the reply to the letter and the threat of the book, is to say, "yep, I'll send you a copy of mine back. Brace yourself you sick bastard."

He really is a vile man, who would stand by and do nothing in the face of all that?

Let him go, there's no positive to ever be gained by contact with him.

Don't accept any more letters like this. If he sends them to your inlaws, tell them you don't want them involved in this, and take the letter, destroy it unopened away from them.

Does your H and his family know what your parents did to you?

Have you had any support/counselling about this?

Remember, they did this to you, unlawful, vile things, and they want YOU to feel blame for it. Now you're a parent, you know about how evil they all are. It's THEM, not you lovey. Please keep him/them away from you and your family. You're doing so well, keep strong! (((hug)))

Wow you are amazing. Congratulations on your strength and breaking the cycle. Have you posted on any of the childhood abuse threads?

Just because you father was not an active participant doesn't stop him being equally complicit.

You do not need this selfish scum in your life. He is not sorry in the slightest.

Whe my step father died it was like a weight had been lifted. Slightly different as a step parent i know.