Letter from my estranged dad, clarity needed (sorry, long)

[TheAccidentalExhibitionist]

I need a little help to get some clarity please.
I'm estranged from both parents.
I haven't seen my M for 17 years. She has NPD and being in contact was terribly traumatic and made me ill. I have absolute clarity about having no contact with her.

My F remarried a woman also with NPD. He had always come and gone out of my life. He would abandon contact as soon as anything difficult happened or if he thought there would be a confrontation or someone would disagree with him. He is a very fragile man who doesn't see any problem with his wifes behaviour. She is frighteningly like my M, controlling, angry and manipulative.

I last saw him 9 years ago. He had cancelled an event and not told me, I explained it had caused us childcare difficulties. His wife was screaming "she can fuck off" in the background. She came on the phone, words were exchanged, hers were heated, mine were very controlled, very calm, which made her furious.
I recieved a letter from him in the next few days explaining why I was a cold, terrible person and that if I didn't apologise they would never speak to me again.
I sent a letter back saying sorry if any offence was caused but I couldn't tolerate being threatened like that. I asked for a commitment from my F to stay in contact and try to work through any issues as I didn't want to lose my relationship with him over a petty argument.
I got another letter saying a written apology wasn't good enough I had to apologise face to face to his wife or he'd never speak to me again.

After some consideration I decided not to apologise in person and contact was therefore lost between us. For years I had been walking on eggshells knowing at if I stepped out of line at all my F would disappear out of my life. I was exhausted, tired of being frightened of losing him and thinking I must be a terrible person for him to treat me this way.
I made my peace with it and felt liberated from the confusion. I felt I had made the right decision to protect my DS from being exposed to the same sort of behaviour. Even though its been the right decision it was much harder to do than with my M, my emotions have been confused. I feel in some way responsible for my Fs emotional state and I'm sad that it couldn't work.
In the interim they have sent my DS gifts at Christmas time with a card to him.
I've not given him the gifts. I felt no contact meant no contact.

Fast forward 9 years and I've recieved a letter from him, sent via my inlaws address. He hints he is dying, that he doesn't know why I wanted to cause him so much anguish. That I threw back the hand of friendship offered by his wife. That I never had the grace to say thankyou for the gifts he sent my DS. That he intends to write a book of his life , if he can finish it before his death and that he wants me to give it to my DS so my DS can make up his own mind about who was in the wrong. He doesn't want a response to the letter.

I feel really confused, I recognise it was a manipulative letter but I feel like a child again. I'm upset at the thought that he might be dying and I want to apologise again for being an awful person. I need help to think this through rationally because its tapped into childlike feelings that I can't get a handle on.
Thanks so much for reading this very long post.

I received a letter from my estranged father a few years ago, in which he mentioned health problems and impending hospitalisation; it was, I suspect, calculated to imply he might be dying. Being completely honest, I can say I simply didn't care if he was.

Anyway - surprise, surprise - I have not heard anything further from family members so I can only assume he is still with us.

My feeling is that my father is responsible for the state of his life and there is nothing I can do for him because he cannot be a better person.

I wonder if the letter you have received from your father has been heavily 'ghostwritten' by his wife.

Also, this book he intends to write. Ha! If he was going to write it, he'd have done so already and sent you a copy. So, my guess is it's just another way to emotionally manipulate you without having to make the effort of actually doing something.

They are both awful people.

You're normal and doing a brilliant job at protecting yourself and your family from them and their toxic fallout.

My advice is to ignore this latest nonsense.

It's shit when the people who are meant to care most for us in all the world let us down. That's putting what your father has done VERY mildly. He's trying to justify his outrageous selfish behaviour - because at some level he feels guilty. He's knows he's done wrong but is trying to shift the blame.

By choosing no contact you have broken the cycle. I bet you'd never dream of treating your own children as badly as your parents have treated you, would you?

Congratulate yourself on rising above your shitty parents and ignore his shitty letter. Don't give him the reward of a response - he wants to know he's got to you.

With respect, I think getting a solicitor involved would not be a good idea. Primarily, because I don't believe this book will ever be written and secondly because your father and wife will feed off the drama and the terrible injustice of it.

I agree somethingonce, but I personally derive great strength from knowing that if a situation DID demand a sledgehammer to crack a Nutter then I'd have that idea in my mind-arsenal.

Of course it won't go there, of course he'll not write a sodding book. FWIW, my Ex threatened once to tell DS what a slag etc I was. I'm not, and he wouldn't.

It'd actually reflect WORSE on him to write the book he wants to write to deliberately poison a young child's mind against their own mother.

Accidental, please read our outrage at his treatment of you, our admiration for your composure and strength, our insistence that you are not the one in the wrong here to give you the distance you need from him, to detach once and for all, turn the page and end this terrible chapter in your life.

Let him go, he's poison personified. Let him reap the reward of the life he's led. I hope he's scared to death about the concept of Karma! He ought to be.

One other thing.

I really doubt he's dying, but it's as well to be prepared for the fact it might be true.

It's hard to give advice as it's a situation fraught with complex emotion for you, but I think there's a lot to be said for maintaining non-contact; if he dies without some reconciliation between you, you can deal with that.

Realistically, with somebody so dysfunctional, it's unlikely that there would be a meaningful resolution or closure for you, and you'd feel every bit as bad as if you'd ignored him.

If he's not dying, and they get a response from you, they will know they can still mess you around.

I'm so sorry tha you are having to deal with this appalling intrusion into your life.

I've been NC with my M for around 10 years.
If I heard that she was dying I dont imagine I'd feel any need to go and make peace with her. I cant see that there would be anything to gain by so doing, and I dont imagine that I would regret not seeing her.

Of course I might be wrong, we can never know for sure how we'll feel in any given situation, but as I see it she is out of my life and we no longer have any obligations towards each other.

Several years ago she 'disowned' me, I felt relieved, we were reconciled for a few years after which I broke off contact, she's made a few attempts at contact which I didnt respond to.
The split centres around childhood abuse but I dont want to go into that

My way of doing things may or may not be right for you OP, but sometimes hearing about other people experiences can give useful insights, so there's mine fwiw:)

XH DID tell the DC what a slag I was. Fortunately it didn't take them too long to work out that it was a lot more likely their father was lying than that their mother was the Whore of Babylonn.

Dear Op, so sorry to read this. I think this letter has actually been written by his nasty wife.

Please ignore the whole thing and get back to enjoying your liberated life, free from all this nasty, dark damaged bullshit.

You have come a long, long way. A long way to get where you are today, which is a good place.

Do not take those steps backwards. It will never be resolved satisfactorily between you and your father. Trying to go down this route will only hurt you terribly. Accept this and carry on enjoying your life.

Very, very best wishes

Thank you all so so much. I'm reading and rereading your posts and will print them out and keep them somewhere safe where I can look at them in times of need.
Whilst I've had lots of talking therapy about my M and other abusers I've never really explored my relationship with my F because I've been so confused by it. I've never known what to say to the therapist.

Recognising that my F may have played his own role in my abuse has never occurred to me, neither has your suggestions that he may be something other than a vulnerable damaged man.

I am hearing you when you say he's not a good man. It will take me a while to adjust my mindset and see it with detachment. It's the first time anyone has ever suggested to me that he might be a bad, selfish person.
He was the image of a hero, doing a dangerous, exciting job in the police until recently. I guess just because someone is physically capable of heroic actions, doesn't mean they are mentally strong or even a good person.

I don't generally talk about my family so not even good friends know about my background. I want people to see what I am today, not what has happened in the past. I guess it means I don't get support from friends but I'm self contained and come on here for support.

I realise that whilst I have come a really long way, I still have a way to go. I'll definitely not be apologising or seeking contact with him.

You might see him as a good man, but how can he be when he failed to save you from your mother? He stood by and let her do what she did, let her let others hurt you as well - and he did nothing to stop it out of what - fear for his own skin? laziness? not wanting to upset his wife? Who knows, and frankly, who fucking cares because the sum of his behaviour is that he allowed YOU to be hurt in a similar way to which he was. He knew how awful that would be and he let it happen to you as well.

That makes him as much of a shit parent as your mother, in my book. And so - years on, he marries again - does he pick a nice person? Does he fuck! He picks another abusive bitch and once again allows you to be affected by her - not only allows, but practically encourages it!

He's as responsible for the hurt and pain you have sadly suffered as your mother is. And you can walk away from him, as you have from her, with the same clear conscience and clarity.

I'm glad you have decided not to contact him back - because there is no point, you will not get what you seek out of it (a normal loving parent).

Oh look, he will die at some point, but I seriously doubt he's going to die right now. You poor thing, having a family life like that. I'm so glad you don't have any contact with him.

Ignore, ignore, ignore. He can write whatever he wants. Has he the money or the knowledge for vanity publishing because that's the only way he'll get published. He sounds a right slimey bugger and I can't exactly imagine a publishing house saying, "Oh brilliant, a life history of a man who looked the other way while his first wife encouraged others to abuse their children, and then married another one who was a complete bloody lunatic. Let's give him an advance on the novel immediately." If he actually wrote it and sent it off, they'd chuck it in the bin.

I hope you have lovely in-laws who make up your family now.

I would not take the advice of RobDile197 if a gun was at my head. I can't even begin to deconstruct it and list all the ways I disagree.

^I am hearing you when you say he's not a good man. It will take me a while to adjust my mindset and see it with detachment. It's the first time anyone has ever suggested to me that he might be a bad, selfish person.
He was the image of a hero, doing a dangerous, exciting job in the police until recently. I guess just because someone is physically capable of heroic actions, doesn't mean they are mentally strong or even a good person.^

Hold on to this, think about it and turn it over in your own time. I understand how unsettling it can be to have your longstanding view of someone completely flipped and as a knock on effect to other things you believe and have constructed thoughts/feelings around. My pov of this is - something of you knew your view was wrong, that's why you are so conflicted and confused, seeing it laid out clearly and accepting that little voice, your voice not the voice of your parents can lead to crystal clear clarity of thought and freedom. You have to make the hard choice sometimes, yes it comes at a price for us but once that is thought about, processed and paid the reward is for a lifetime.
Speaking as the daughter of a miracle man - he has somehow miraculously managed to beat terminal diseases and 'mere days' prognoses 3 times now and in fact once rose from the dead - hallelujah- he's still knocking about 15 years since his first go at it. I'm not saying your father has done this btw just my experience. Maybe I'm the child of the second coming, but I very much doubt it!

Italic fail - apologies!

Thanks all for your replies.
Just to clarify, I didn't see him as a good man, just a weak man. I need to detach from feeling responsible for his emotions.
I am aware of his 'good' image though and have found it difficult to separate my experience of him from the publics experience of him.

Thumbwitch you're right, he was and still is a shit and dangerous parent, why would I want to re engage with that?

Thanks Illgetmeagoat I'll not take his advice. I tried calm and rational, it didn't work, never has, so wouldn't work this time.

Please concentrate on being the good parent your child deserves and stay NC with those toxic people.

You sound like an amazingly aware person. Keep strong. x