Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Dp doesnt trust me!

29 replies

LUCIA22 · 21/02/2013 21:31

Dp tells me he is upset by my apparent flirting and although we have been together for 12 year, have 2 children and are about to get married it makes him doubt my fidelity. I have never been unfaithful or wanted to be, i am completely unaware of flirting but he doesnt believe me. He wants it to stop but how cant I stop something that I am unaware of?. It is making me feel paranoid about being around any men. I am not sure if it is my behaviour at fault or his perception of it. I am at a loss what to do as I hate being accused of something I havent done.

OP posts:

kalidanger · 21/02/2013 21:32

Is this the only single solitary unreasonable thing he does?

tallwivglasses · 21/02/2013 21:34

Hmm. Might he be projecting?

Jayne266 · 21/02/2013 21:36

Sounds a bit odd why mention this now after so many years surely if you did it he would have said it at the time.

TurnipCake · 21/02/2013 21:42

Has he given you specific examples or has this come out of the blue? As tall said, he may be projecting

Original poster

LUCIA22 · 21/02/2013 21:43

I think he has problems reading body language which he agrees but in this instance he thinks he is right. I dont want to upset him but he doesnt believe that I dont know I am doing it. He is convinced that something has happened with specific people in the past and has nearly split us up before but we have kids now & I do love him. Its possible he has aspergers, could this be something to do with it?

OP posts:

Original poster

LUCIA22 · 21/02/2013 21:46

When you say projecting do you mean his guilt at actually doing something or flirting. I have always trusted him.

OP posts:

tallwivglasses · 21/02/2013 21:50

Yes that is what I mean. It's odd that this should come out of the blue. What exactly has he accused you of doing?

tallwivglasses · 21/02/2013 21:51

Ah, not out of the blue I see. But the paranoia seems to have increased. This must feel very insulting to you.

Original poster

LUCIA22 · 21/02/2013 22:03

I do find it insulting as its like he doesnt know me at all because if he did he would know how I feel about people being unfaithful. He says he would never cheat as he respects me. He wont give me specific examples just that my body language is wrong and makes him feel uncomfortable. I know when is happened as he will become moody & leave or refuse to speak to me. It happened today in the swimming pool, he suddenly just got out & said he was getting changed then refused to speak to me all day. We had words tonight & he said I should know what I did wrong. It is really stressing me.

OP posts:

SilverClementine · 21/02/2013 22:24

I had an ex that did this. ALWAYS going on at me about me making eye contact with other people, talking to them in a suggestive manner. I was doing none of this. It got so bad that I ended up turning into a door mat who wouldn't say boo to a goose because it was easier than putting up with his constant harping on and mood swings.

It was the first red flag of abuse. I should have listened to it. By the end of our relationship he was accusing me of allsorts, hacking into my emails, going on about the clothes I was wearing.

Looking back now I wonder why I put up with it for so long but he wore me down.

Please don't let your DP do this to you. Either nip it in the bud now if you genuinely thing he isn't being abusive, or leave.

SilverClementine · 21/02/2013 22:25

p.s my ex was also on steroids which is what I think may have triggered it. Could yours be? Is he really into his gym?

He sounds exactly the same as my ex regarding his feelings towards your body language.

Numberlock · 21/02/2013 22:30

Is he looking for excuses to cancel the wedding? Is it already booked?

DialsMavis · 21/02/2013 22:51

The only person who has ever been like this with me ( to staggeringly crazy proportions at points,bugging our bedroom etc) was DS's father. He mainly accused me of flirting with/sleeping with our mutual friends. I later found out he was shagging anything that moved behind my back, including my best friend in our home while I was asleepI was never unfaithful to him, I just wouldn't do that. It has changed me as a person. I feel uncomfortable talking to/hugging/greeting men with a kiss and used to apologise to my lovely DP whenever I didn't answer in time when he rang. He (being normal) was always at my OTT apologies.

I am not saying that us what us going on with you, but I believe it to be quite common.

Selba · 21/02/2013 23:02

so the mumsnet mantra of "always trust your instincts " does not apply to the OP's partner?

izzyizin · 22/02/2013 06:24

Instincts can be warped by jealousy, Selba, which may provide some explanation for the OP's dp's behaviour.

phoenixrose314 · 22/02/2013 06:32

Instincts can often be confused with paranoia, Selba. I've been guilty of confusing the two myself!

Besides, what on earth could OP have been doing at a swimming pool that would have caused her DP to react like that??? Unless she was play-wrestling with some Speedo-wearing twenty year old I really don't get what could have been the problem there... Maybe someone was looking at her and he didn't like it?

It sounds to me like your DP is controlling and manipulative, and perhaps you should talk to someone in RL about this so that you have some support around you when his behaviour does get warped like this. Do your children suffer for your DP's attitude problems?

phoenixrose314 · 22/02/2013 06:42

Sorry OP I only just noticed the part about possible Aspergers facepalm

If this is the case, that would explain his behaviour - people with Aspergers don't recognise social cues in the same way that we do, and struggle to interpret them accurately. What may be seen as a friendly word or two to you, could seem like flirting to your OH because he hasn't learned to distinguish between the two. Your DP is also likely to have a very limited view of relationships, especially yours - I have known so many children with Aspergers become obsessively attached to just one person, refusing to acknowledge the other person's need for social interaction with others. This can become tempered down as an adult, but only with coaching and understanding.

Try giving this a read-through, it's a brief run-down of the triad of impairments that affect people with Aspergers. www.autism.org.uk/about-autism/autism-and-asperger-syndrome-an-introduction/what-is-asperger-syndrome.aspx

Still, even if your DP has got Aspergers, it doesn't mean that his behaviour is an appropriate way to behave - it just means that his mind thinks that it is. I would suggest specialist counselling where a medical professional could help your DP to recognise the difference between appropriate and inappropriate social interaction.

Lueji · 22/02/2013 07:44

There's a bit of a pattern here, as my ex was like that.

In the end we didn't socialise together really, and he got abusive in other ways.

His reaction is not good either. Particularly saying you know what you did...

He should go to counselling to address whatever issues he has. Otherwise, you should really turn it around and tell him that this jealousy will end up with you leaving him.
And seriously consider not marrying him until you are 100% certain. This is a problem that is only likely to escalate once he feels you are safer.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/02/2013 07:58

How does he behave around other people?.

What are his parents like?. How does he get along with them?.

How old are you both now?.

Please tell me you are not staying now primarily because there are children?.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships?. They are learning after all from you two.

TBH I would not think he would attend any counselling session because he likely does not think he has done or is doing anything wrong to you in the first place.

There are reasons why he is acting like this; I would closely examine all other areas of your relationship and look at how he behaves towards you in those areas as well. You cannot assume AS; it is equally possible that he is not on the ASD spectrum. I do not like his behaviour towards you at all, abuse as well is insidious in its onset.

Sorry for all the questions btw.

TDada · 22/02/2013 08:08

Not a good sign. He is deeply insecure and you are obviously naturally attractive/warm. You can only reassure him but no reason not to continue being your natural self. It is his problem though. Obviously you sold help him as your DP but I am concerned for you as to where we are heading here.

AgathaF · 22/02/2013 10:22

he suddenly just got out & said he was getting changed then refused to speak to me all day - this would worry me more than the accusations. Refusing to talk to you, to discuss whatever it is that has upset him? Storming off? Not good signs at all.

Xales · 22/02/2013 14:01

I am another one who is mystified at what you can have been doing in a pool to cause this reaction.

If you think he has aspergers try and get him a diagnosis don't just give him a label to excuse his actions.

I would suggest putting the wedding on hold until this is resolved.

If you have to change a basic part of your personality to appease him it will go and you will be unhappy and checking your behaviour all the time. Not a good way to live.

How did you not split up over his previous accusations? How was it resolved?

Selba · 23/02/2013 15:13

Izzy, that is EXACTLY my point . But it is rarely applied to female posters on MN.
They are always told to trust their instincts, their instincts are always right , which is frankly ridiculous.

kalidanger · 23/02/2013 15:20

They're not 'always told'. It's often suggested that feeling like something undefinable is up would, yes, related to other stuff like being stuck to a phone etc.

oldraver · 23/02/2013 15:31

I agree your last post is worrying..getting out of the pool and not speaking is bad enough.. its the telling you you should know what you have done wrong and punishing you with silence thats heading into EA territory

Flip

1 2