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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My DH's inability to keep it up and my inability to tell him

37 replies

Feckssake · 21/02/2013 15:17

Hello ladies,

My DH is great. He's a brilliant father, he occasionally does housework and mixes a mean G&T. The problem is, I think he has erectile disfunction. When we have sex, it's a two minute job from start to finish, and less if I'm actually aroused. Often he doesn't come at all. And it's been like that for a good, oo, seven years or so? I don't think he realises this is abnormal.

It's complicated by the fact that I cheated on him about five years ago with my ex-boyfriend, with whom I had, shall we say, a very fulfilling relationship. He found out, and when he asked why, I came clean and said the sex was great.(It stopped as soon as he found out)

So I know I have to tell him he has a problem, but I'm really worried that he's going to see this as a huge assault on his manhood and it's going to put us back in the place we were after my dalliance. Also, how the f*ck does one go about telling someone this? I mean, it's not something you can bring up over the afternoon coffee and cake, is it? And then of course there's the inevitable question he will ask of how long have I thought this was a problem? Seven years is a loooong time to admit.

Forms of words, ideal scenarios and general arse kickery over my rubbishness welcome.

OP posts:

MatureUniStudent · 21/02/2013 15:22

Just a thought, before you talk to your DH - would it be worth getting some advice from the GP? Or a referal to a sex councillor (if such a thing exists in UK) as then you have something positive to offer him in terms of sorting out the issue?

Original poster

Feckssake · 21/02/2013 15:52

I think he'd be more annoyed at the thought of me talking to someone else before him. I just don't know how to begin the conversation, to be honest.

OP posts:

purrpurr · 21/02/2013 15:57

If it's been going on for seven years... Do you think it'll even be possible to talk about it now? He'll be aware of the issue.

ImperialBlether · 21/02/2013 16:12

Does he have any health issues? Is her overweight?

If he doesn't know there's a problem, you've got an even bigger problem. Presumably he wasn't like this when you met him?

How was he after your affair? You brush it off quite easily, but did he? Do you think he's remembering it when you have sex?

Dryjuice25 · 21/02/2013 16:12

Difficult really esp with previous betrayal. You def need to broach the subject with him as it will always be the elephant in the room and the longer you leave it the more you're likely to seek the ex again for your needs, poor him the more it becomes a bigger problem

ImperialBlether · 21/02/2013 16:12

Is he overweight?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 21/02/2013 16:19

It's been like this for 7 years, I take it it wasn't always like that between you? I know the fact you cheated with your ex is making you hesitate to broach the subject with DH but I don't think it means you should somehow do penance by not mentioning this - it must be frustrating and it's obviously playing on your mind. It can't be easy to think of a way to 'casually' start a conversation about this but better to communicate than get fed up or seek other avenues.

Is he on medication of some sort? Wondering if it's a side effect. What about a mid life health check, sorry don't know how old DH is but could start by looking at health in general?

mercury7 · 21/02/2013 16:31

Feckssake, he must, surely, be aware that his variety 'quickie' sex is not fulfilling for you?

ImperialBlether · 21/02/2013 16:35

Yes, agree with mercury. After it's over, does he say anything? Ask you if you had a good time? Do you pretend to have an orgasm? If not, does he ever mention that you might want one?

catlady1 · 21/02/2013 16:39

He must be aware of this. Was he previously better or has it been like this since you've been together? What about his previous relationships? You should definitely try to bring it up so you can go about sorting it out it. It must be affecting him too.

mercury7 · 21/02/2013 16:40

perhaps, afterwards you could say something like 'that was lovely, I wish it could go on for longer' just to break the ice on the subject?

krimbles · 21/02/2013 17:26

Following your betrayal of his trust, how much work have you put into making him feel wanted and attractive?

Seems like you have a lot of work to do.

Kione · 21/02/2013 19:11

my ex had that problem, I told him that one of my favourite positions was me on top but you need and extra hard cock for that, and could he go to docs to get viagra? he did! also get a cock ring and tell him.it will just increase hus pleasure, it keeps it up there too but you dont need to explain that

Original poster

Feckssake · 21/02/2013 19:26

Thanks for your thoughts ladies, it is really really great to finally talk about this and get other peoples views. To answer your queries- he's mid thirties and not particularly overweight. And yes, I don't know how he couldn't be aware, which is worrying to me- I mean, if you thought something was wrong, surely you'd do something about it? There's mostly just silence after sex. Man, it sounds pretty fifties in my house, doesn't it?

I take your points about my affair and I should point out I wasn't meaning to make light if it, more just concise. It's worth saying that when he found out, he took the opportunity to confess to getting a BJ while on holidays with his mates while I was pregnant with child number one, so really,neither of us is lilly white here. We are very committed to each other, but I just can't seem to start the conversation, and I'm getting angry at myself for being so bloody unemancipated about it all.

Anybody had to do something similar?

Thanks again.ladies, its a weight lifted to talk about this.

OP posts:

Original poster

Feckssake · 21/02/2013 19:28

A cock ring? What the what the?! I live a sheltered life, it seems.

OP posts:

mercury7 · 21/02/2013 19:31

I've been in similar-ish situation, I just said if you dont make it worth my while I'm not going to bother

Original poster

Feckssake · 21/02/2013 20:19

Erm, I think that might be a bit blunt - we have been together a long time, I want to be gentle with him.

OP posts:

delilahlilah · 21/02/2013 20:37

How about approaching it in a different manner. Tell him you read about something, and would he try it with you. Then decide on a plan you want him to try so... mutual massage or something, then add things as you think. Not sure if this is very well explained

JulietteMontague · 21/02/2013 20:45

So does he satisfy you in any way sexually? do you fake it or doesn't he care? it would help to know how he was before this started. You mention you had an affair with your ex because the sex was good so just how bad was it with your DH at that point? I would think he might be punishing you, except this all started before the affair.

BCBG · 21/02/2013 20:45

Ive been married for 25 years, adore DH but sex from day one has been pretty awful. Two minutes, less if I get aroused (or fake it to hurry him up which I do these days ) no foreplay because a) he gets too excited and b) he thinks foreplay should 'work' almost immediately, and absolutely, totally, no big O for me unless I self help (and I can't be bothered any longer). No oral sex - we tried it in the early days but he was staggeringly inept and didn't like it anyway - and the absolute WORST thing is that as soon as he comes he says 'sorry'.... . I have contemplated leaving him but it seems so stupid to throw away everything else in a pretty perfect family life for that. Problem is that now I am heading into the menopause and my libido is fragile, his lack of talent means that I would really rather not bother than just go through the motions any longer. Anyway, OP, sorry for hijack - just wanted to say do get help before you end up where I am .

mercury7 · 21/02/2013 21:11

I realise it sounds blunt, I suspect he kept things short deliberately so as to make sure I got less out of sex than he did.
I'm not suggesting you should try my approach, but I'd want to make sure he was aware that sex wasnt really working for me.
In my case when it became apparent he didnt care, or I just got the same stupid 'opps sorry I havent had it for a long time' response, well shape up or ship out

Kione · 21/02/2013 21:32

cock rings in Ann Summers I think they really are to make orgasm more intense but if you put it on when cock is hard, ar the bottom and make it tight but comfy it keeps the blood there, I am sure if you google it it will be easy to find

CaptChaos · 21/02/2013 21:46

Cock ring..... look in the condom bit of your supermarket. A major condom manufacturer also makes vibrating cock ring.

Think you might have missed a trick when you had your affair to get this sorted. I have no suggestions as to how you broach the subject, he will be very aware of it though, probably more so since your affair.

Original poster

Feckssake · 22/02/2013 11:49

BCBG, that sounds rotten, and yet I can see myself ending up at that point. That's a pretty big incentive for dealing with it, thank you.

CaptChaos, in retrospect you are completely right. It would have been an ideal time, but I guess we were rather reeling at that point and it was just one of a number of problems needing to get sorted out.

JulietteMontague: he is very adept at manual stimulation and I do orgasm that way, but no, I don't fake it: I don't know if he doesn't just think I don't orgasm from penetrative sex or something: I really think he thinks it's an issue for me rather than him; that I'm a cold fish. I know that doesn't make sense in the context of my reasoning for the affair, but otherwise, how could you rationalise the fact that I never orgasm? It's a Pandora's box.

OP posts:

JulietteMontague · 22/02/2013 12:08

OP so you used to orgasm through penetration with him and now he apparently has no idea you are not satisfied. I do think there may be more to it than this, he has re-written history so that your PIV pleasure has become something impossible to obtain, it's somehow your fault and has been written out of your sex life.

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