My DH's inability to keep it up and my inability to tell him

[Feckssake]

Hello ladies,

My DH is great. He's a brilliant father, he occasionally does housework and mixes a mean G&T. The problem is, I think he has erectile disfunction. When we have sex, it's a two minute job from start to finish, and less if I'm actually aroused. Often he doesn't come at all. And it's been like that for a good, oo, seven years or so? I don't think he realises this is abnormal.

It's complicated by the fact that I cheated on him about five years ago with my ex-boyfriend, with whom I had, shall we say, a very fulfilling relationship. He found out, and when he asked why, I came clean and said the sex was great.(It stopped as soon as he found out)

So I know I have to tell him he has a problem, but I'm really worried that he's going to see this as a huge assault on his manhood and it's going to put us back in the place we were after my dalliance. Also, how the f*ck does one go about telling someone this? I mean, it's not something you can bring up over the afternoon coffee and cake, is it? And then of course there's the inevitable question he will ask of how long have I thought this was a problem? Seven years is a loooong time to admit.

Forms of words, ideal scenarios and general arse kickery over my rubbishness welcome.

That's a new take on it for me, but actually I think that's probably accurate. It is very strange to see it written out like that so clearly.

It's a very touchy delicate subject but you could start with maybe - 'Oo what I could do to you if we had 20 MINS spare in bed' is it possible he would say 'why 20' ? then you could lead the conversation....... or even if he started thinking about it, but I do find it very difficult to believe he doesn't already know you're not getting much from the 'wham bam' sessions.

My own solution would be to be as honest as possible and just tell him that you need him to learn to last a little longer. Cock rings and ties work btw so does an elastic hair bobble ;) in an emergency :)

BCBG if he thinks foreplay should work immediately then hes either not a very patient man who doesnt see womens needs and pleasure as important as mens or hes been watching porn where they show a lot of women coming through penetration alone.

How about not saying to him that your current sex life is crap, but presenting the idea of longer lasting and more satisfying sex as a 'new idea' you fancy trying...
Sort of like the poster who presented the idea of her on top as a 'new idea' that required viagra...
Just say that you've been thinking and wouldn't it be nice to begin to spend more time on your sex life now that the kids are older/you're older/ on your next holiday or weekend away / or any excuse really...

Any kids? We're having a tough time due to the teenagers in the house.

You have to tackle it.

I suggest tomorrow, grab a bottle of wine, sit him down and say;

"Right, we need to have a chat, don't be worried you've done nothing wrong and neither have I but it's time we tackled the big white elephant that we have both been ignoring for the past 7 yrs..... you have an issue maintaing erection, sometimes it's an issue, sometime not but I am not prepared to ignore it any longer, if we do ignore it, it is likely that our relationship will not survive, so what would you like to do about it? I'm prepared to support you in any way I can but you need to be proactive about it, what are your thoughts"?

Then just listen, he may be embaressed and say very little, he may get cross and be in denial... just wait it out, then say, "what if we visit the GP together?" Don't let him side track you.

Also, do not let him blame you, your "dalliance" may not have helped but his problem predates this by 2 years.

If he insists on being awkward/non communicative then say, "fine... I will go away for a few hours (friends, TV, movies) you think about it and get back to me."

You can lead a horse to water and all that, personally I would also make other suggestions like sex toys/lube ect... try and make it a more exciting way of dealing with it.

Hello all,

I just wanted to say a big, huge, massive thanks to everyone who responded on this thread. I actually finally found the nerve to tackle this last night, and although it looks like it's going to be a bigger issue than I would have hoped, at least it's out in the open, after a good five or so years. And I would not have had the balls to do so without you all nudging me along. It has been the push I needed (although it took me six weeks to get there!)

Oh well done. Just found your thread. I am in similar position & still have head firmly stuck in sand regarding bringing IT up. How did The Conversation go? Ignore if you don't want to five any more details! :+)

Thanks! TMI now, ignore if you'd rather not know. We were having a particularly rubbish bit of sex, and I just thought, enough is enough. I thought of all the good advice I'd had here and I realised I've really had enough bad sex for a lifetime. So as soon as it ended, I just said 'love, I think you have a problem with this. Will you go to see the Doctor?' Unfortunately, he has taken it pretty badly - I think he thinks there is nothing anyone can do, which is of course pretty unlikely, and he seems to think I'm insulting him. Bad as all that sounds, I can handle that. We'll be in a difficult place for a while, but it's a known issue now, and we'll deal with it. It's a much much better place to be in than pretending everything's fine, believe me.

How long has it been a problem for you? And of course, him?

Yes I suppose that was never going to be an easy conversation or thing for him to hear. Is he going to go to the docs?

I don't even know how long, maybe 3/4 years I suppose thinking about it, but I think it has kind of got worse gradually.

It's so depressing DTD and knowing it's just a matter of time before things go downhill, it's like I'm waiting.

I just think he'll blame me if I say anything, he's already said a few hurtful remarks. It doesn't do much for my ego, we don't even do it that often so I'd kind of hope he'd be raring to go!

Has your dh perhaps got undiagnosed high blood pressure? This can be a cause and if he has it he really needs to know and get treatment as it is potentially a silent killer...please insist that the doctor checks this for him

We're playing the 'let's talk about it later' card just now, but it's clear that he thinks I'm somehow to blame: which leaves me somewhat mystified. I'm not looking forward to the conversation, but it has to be done.

I'm hoping the Doctor will set him straight where I might not manage to, and take most of the embarrassing stuff off my shoulders, so I'll be adamant that he goes.

Do you think the nasty remarks are maybe his way of trying to deal with the stress of it, rather than actual blame? I get the feeling that both our partners are really, really touchy on this subject: which is understandable.

I suppose the dealbreaker moment for me was when one of the helpful ladies above asked me how much longer did I want to be unsatisfied for. It kind of stuck with me and last night, it just clicked.

I have nearly told him a thousand times, Pebblepots. So I know exactly what you mean. I've put it off because it's not been the right moment, we don't have time to talk about it, blah blah blah. But in the end there's no right moment - I certainly could have argued myself out of it last night. The question is, when is your tipping point? Sounds like it may be approaching.

He might think you're to blame for it all because of your affair and what you said about why you did it (better sex with OM).

I know he had a BJ on holiday so is not blameless either, by no means, but an affair with an ex (ie not just a one-off) motivated by greater sexual pleasure - that's bound to have a massive impact on his sexual identity within your relationship.

I'm not chucking blame around here. But - surely it's just human nature for him to shut down somewhat after having been told you strayed because the OM was sooooo good at the sex?

In the absence of complete resolution between you about the transgressions on both sides, his options are: either try to 'prove' that he's as good/better than OM, or just think oh fuck it, go through the motions (seems to be the latter).

How did you feel about him getting the BJ? Did it make you feel less guilty, and as if you were 'even'? Or just horribly betrayed/upset?

Loads of talking needed. I reckon it'll all come back to those issues.