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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

need some oobjective advice about a lost friendship

45 replies

beatlegirl · 21/02/2013 11:38

Apologies in advance, this may be long.

I had a friend for over 15 years. We were very close, always there for each other for good times and bad.

We have no fallen out quite spectacularly. It was mainly due to a new relationship she got into. I didnt think the new man was treating her as she deserved. I tried to follow all the 'rules' and keep my mouth shut but one day she was upset bout something he'd said and I let rip. In doing so I criticised her parenting. This, I think is the part she found unforgivable.

We talked after that, but things weren't the same. We needed some time apart really. Unfortunately we didn't get it because I had a bereavement, and she came round.

Over the course of a few days she let me down (in my eyes) and I sent her a message saying that if she was only keeping in touch out of obligation she shouldn't bother. So she didn't. I was devastated, and sent her a message saying so. She didn't reply.

Well, 6 months have passed since this time and I still don't feel like things are the same without her. It wasn't just us, we were both close to each other's children and I know mine miss hers- and her- immensely.

Now the sensible side of my brain says let it go. If she wanted to continue the friendship she'd have been in touch. But, to be fair, I haven't been in touch with her either.

Also, I don't think we can just apologise and move on. Even if we both want to be friends there are things that need discussing.

So, wise women of the internet- what do I do? Is it worth one last try?

OP posts:
crje · 21/02/2013 12:02

Sounds as if you were jealous of her relationship . You wanted to hurt her so you were mean about her partner and cruel about her parenting.
She swallowed her pride and came to you when you were bereaved and you acted like a mourning zilla

The ball has been in your court for 6 months and you have done noting - now you want her back as a friend but want to clear the air first ( more terms and conditions) your very high maintenance.
Leave her alone .Id say she is done ,I would be.

mozzarellamummy · 21/02/2013 12:06

I would definitely try to talk with her, you risk to regret it later.. Both of you probably went thorough a difficult time and this doesn't help, but it would be a pity to waste such a longlasting friendship not to make the first step..
I'm also going through a mess in my life and I am risking to lose quite a lot of important friends.. It's not always easy to say the right thing and I often wish I hadn't said things or had said them in a different way. I wish you can clarify with her.. no matter who is responsible for what has happened..
maybe a good Wine will help?

kittybiscuits · 21/02/2013 12:10

OP I hope you will not be put off by the post above. Someone got bored of watching Jezza, I think.

You obviously feel very hurt. Sometimes things are said that friends can't move on from. Have you considered writing to your friend? It means you can reflect on what you really want to say. It could also be the final thing that you do, so that if you don't hear back from her, then it gives you some closure.

kittybiscuits · 21/02/2013 12:11

Sorry, not mozzarella's post...the earlier one!

Original poster
beatlegirl · 21/02/2013 12:18

Crje there was no jealousy. She was being emotionally abused and it was affecting her relationship with her daughter.
And 'mourningzilla'? Wow. Mumsnet at it's bitchiest.

OP posts:
crje · 21/02/2013 12:20

Jezza ????????

The op acted appallingly.
I don't think she should do anything but if determined to act then start with an apology.

kittybiscuits · 21/02/2013 12:33

Biscuit for crje

Original poster
beatlegirl · 21/02/2013 12:41

How did I act appallingly? How?
I'm going to step away now. I was prepared for people to focus on the my part in things. I don't claim to be innocent, we both behaved badly.
But I didn't expect such vitriol. I'd have posted in AIBU if I was strong enough for that.
Thanks anyway for the more helpful replies.

OP posts:
crje · 21/02/2013 13:03

Last comment
If she is still with the guy then id leave it .

My advice is tough but fair imo

Thanks for the biscuit kitty . Ill get you some litter for your advice Wink

pictish · 21/02/2013 13:08

you acted like a mourning zilla
Did she crje? Were you there? You have made a lot of wild assumptions in your post. Jealous of the relationship? What?? Hmm

OP - it's always worth another try. You have nothing to lose after all. The waters will have settled after 6 months, so she might be amenable to you. If she's not then at least you'll know. x

crje · 21/02/2013 13:10

Last comment
If she is still with the guy then id leave it .

My advice is tough but fair imo

Thanks for the biscuit kitty . Ill get you some litter for your advice Wink

pictish · 21/02/2013 13:10

Your advice isn't 'tough but fair' crje....it's bollocks based on your fantasy of what happened.

Downunderdolly · 21/02/2013 13:17

beatle. I think the problem - as you have identified - is that irrespective or not of whether it is justified - being criticised as a parent is very hard. If you believe that as a parent you are 100%, or as 100% as parenting gets 'right', then it is not nice to hear. If the person knows in their heart that their parenting has been compromised by a situation, then its almost worse to hear as you would be a. mortified that someone had recognised it and b. mortified that you had allowed it to happen. I think people are very visceral and primal when it comes to their children and no one likes to be called on it, regardless of how it might ultimately be a positive in terms of changing behaviours or actions on reflection. I'm not saying you were right or wrong, just that it is hard to hear.

As Pictish said as you have such a long standing friendship and some time has passed it may be worth sending a note along the lines of 'I know we had a bit of crazy x months ago when our friendship got off track but I'd love to reconnect as I miss you and your gorgeous DC - let me know if you'd like to catch up'. If she does not respond, or responds negatively, then you have your answer and can move on without wondering 'if only'....if she would like to meet then hopefully you can rebuild your friendship.

good luck either way x

crje · 21/02/2013 13:22

Last comment
If she is still with the guy then id leave it .

My advice is tough but fair imo

Thanks for the biscuit kitty . Ill get you some litter for your advice Wink

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 21/02/2013 13:38

beatlegirl it is tough when out of concern you speak up and in the heat of the moment, say something unfortunate. Your friend seized on what she heard as a double attack. Building bridges afterwards came to naught because I suspect emotions were running high on both sides.

I think this could rumble on for ages so why not write her a letter, pour out your heart and apologise for crossing a line, (the parenting aspect). If she is still with the man, then she possibly won't even open and read it but you will have tried.

'Mourning zilla' wtf, not heard that one before. Fair enough if you think the OP acted wrongly but don't stoop to that.

Original poster
beatlegirl · 21/02/2013 13:45

Thanks for the further replies. I am reading the advice and taking it in. I know I was wrong to criticise her parenting. I did apologise at the time. But yes, emotions were running high.

Like I say, I think the friendship may have survived if we'd had a couple of months cooling off time. But due to the bereavement, we didn't. And things got worse.

Now, my DH thinks that if I contact her, I'll open myself up to further rejection. He thinks it's unlikely she will 'come round'.

But I think I'm clinging to the hope that she's feeling every bit as gutted as I am that the friendship went awry. (Not that I hope she's feeling bad- that sounds awful)

I just think- a long time has passed. Maybe too long. If I leave it much longer it will almost certainly be too late.

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 21/02/2013 13:47

No contact at Christmas?

Original poster
beatlegirl · 21/02/2013 13:52

Donkeys- no. And all our DC's birthdays have gone by too. As well as our own.
She's my DC's godmother.

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 21/02/2013 13:59

Sad Your DH may be right, this could be past hope now, but if you write and apologise - you may not feel you were in the wrong but her feelings were clearly hurt - you'll at least be putting it to bed, as it were.

VoiceofUnreason · 21/02/2013 14:01

Agree with Donk. I think the door is probably closed. I would also write one last letter apologising and then let it go, knowing you've done your best.

pictish · 21/02/2013 14:01

I wonder what you said that was critical of her parenting?

Was it that she was putting the new man before the needs of her child?

THERhubarb · 21/02/2013 14:07

Well we'd need to know what you said. You see, being a friend is all about support and it's difficult to know what support you provided whilst she was in this abusive relationship (in what way abusive?).

Put yourself in her shoes for a moment. She was having a difficult time, she was perhaps feeling rejected and bullied by her new man. She went to you for support and instead you "let rip" and criticised her commitment to her daughter.

I would say that she felt pretty betrayed by that.

You then had a bereavment and she put those feelings aside to be there for you, to support you. The fact that she did that speaks volumes about how much you meant to her.

You now say that she let you down - how? She put aside her feelings to support you, she came round and visited you, what were you expecting her to do? How did she let you down?

You then send her a text telling her this. Perhaps she felt like she'd done enough. You let her down when she needed it the most and yet she had made the effort to support you over your bereavement and instead of a thanks she gets a text (not even a phone call?) to say she had let you down.

Looking at this from her point of view it doesn't look good.

Admittedly there is plenty we don't know and without the full picture we can't really advise further.

lowercase · 21/02/2013 14:20

I think there is hope here, if you forget about your pride.
you need to think about how you have affected her, how it made her feel, ask to meet her and make a full apology.
Ask her if there is anything left out, and is there anything you can do to make it right.
You may even get an apology yourself, but don't count on it!
You say you both behaved badly, but if you want to re kindle the friendship you have to disregard her mistakes entirely.

I would swallow my pride, and have done, to preserve good relationships.
If she doesn't accept your apology, you will have no regrets as you done what you could to rectify your mistake.

Pancakeflipper · 21/02/2013 14:27

I think it is worth trying to sort this out but be prepared for rejection. But even if she decides to be friends again I don't think things will be the same. I think she will be guarded.

I agree alot with a lot of what TheRhubarb said about it not looking that great from what you have said about how you treated her. But that's only based on what you have said, there's probably alot more to this.

Catsu · 21/02/2013 14:34

I agree that it seems you were very hard on her and may owe her an apology.
She was in an abusive relationship and you let rip at her and criticised her parenting.
Then she put that aside to support you when you were bereaved. You then told her to go away and leave you alone which she did. So you then messaged her to tell her that she was wrong to leave you alone.
Seems like she couldn't do anything right IMO
I'd start with an apology if you do get in touch, could be what she's waiting for or she could have just had enough and not be interested...